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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want DH to come straight home?

149 replies

MurunBuchstansangur · 27/09/2011 17:15

DH is a primary teacher. He leaves work around 5 to 5.30pm nd has a 45 minute drive.

I am fucked off with having the children all day and doing dinner and bath by myself for him to swan in at bedtime.

He finishes school at half 3, so am AIBU to want him to come straight home to spend some time with the DCs before bed.

This would mean that he has to work later into the evening and he'd probably not finish until 9.30, maybe even 10pm.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 17:40

My dh is lucky to get the weekends off and is currently on night shift - I am envious of your 6pm! YABU

dreamingbohemian · 27/09/2011 17:41

I'm not sure it's fair to say the OP is BU just because your own partners come home later.

Her DH could come home earlier and make up for it later. I don't think that's a bad deal one or two days a week.

thestringcheeseincident · 27/09/2011 17:43

YABU. 6pm early.
What time do your kids go to bed?

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 17:44

He is at home at weekends, every weekend is he not? And holidays? And is home at about 6pm ever night? And you are complaining OP, seriously?

2impatient · 27/09/2011 17:45

If he has a long commute, why don't you move closer to school?

RumourOfAHurricane · 27/09/2011 17:46

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WomansWeekly · 27/09/2011 17:47

why did you have kids if you resent caring for them

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 17:47

Now I am laughing at the idea of 45 mins being a long commute! Grin

LaurieFairyCake · 27/09/2011 17:47

I too think you should negotiate over this.

My dh is also a teacher and it has taken me years to come to terms with the amount of hours he does and how little we see of him.

We now have a compromise - he's 'allowed' to do 63 hours a week (term time) without me moaning but he needs to be home by 6 one night a week to go with dd to her climbing activity.

I'm not a big fan of him doing too much work from home as him being half-present is personally more irritating to me so he works 2 nights a week at school until 7.30 so that when he comes home those 2 nights he doesn't work the evening.

RumourOfAHurricane · 27/09/2011 17:48

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nomoreheels · 27/09/2011 17:49

Is he helping at weekends? Depends on how much he mucks in during non work time. Eg if his attitude is a bit hands off and you still do the majority of childcare at weekends, it's completely understandable that you're feeling hacked off & want more help.

Re: cooking, perhaps agree that you will work together at the weekend to batch cook some dishes so tea time is heat 'n serve?

LaurieFairyCake · 27/09/2011 17:49

I also think you're getting a bit of a hard time as at the moment for us dd is being really challenging and it is easier to share the burden with someone else.

rebl · 27/09/2011 17:50

I'd love to have my dh home at 6. An early night here is 6:30.

YABU

Grumpla · 27/09/2011 17:51

I don't think it would be at ALL unreasonable for you to agree (say) one day a week where he comes straight home.

It would give you a break and he would see more of his kids.

My friends (dad is teacher) do this and mum tells me looks forward to that night all week. As kids are older it has become a good chance for them to talk to both their parents at the same time, all have a meal together etc. I think that's worth working for a couple of hours after bedtime!

BoffinMum · 27/09/2011 17:52

YABU
These are normal hours for a teacher.
If they leave at 3.30 they risk eventually losing their jobs - it doesn't go down well at all.

SJisontheway · 27/09/2011 17:52

YANBU. If he can bring work home to finish after the kids are in bed I think he should at least 1 or 2 days a week. It's what I do - a small sacrifice to make so I can spend more time with the kids.

NorthernerAtHeart · 27/09/2011 17:54

Personally (I'm a teacher) I really don't see why he can't be home by 5 once or twice a week to lighten your load. Dinner/bath/bed can be a stressful time, so if you have a DH who can work flexibly enough, then I think you should be able to have some extra help.

I have a DH who doesn't get home until 7 at the earliest, so I leave by 4 (finish teaching at 3.35) everyday (part-time) and do all my work in the evening. If I didn't do it that way, DH wouldn't be able to work the hours he does. Rather pisses me off though, when he complains about me marking in the evening!!!

Happymm · 27/09/2011 17:57

Lucky cow having DH home by 6 each night Envy

Have 3DC all under 7. DH out from 7.30-7.30 at earliest every day. Later still some days, plus on call, nights/weekends. TBH, when he is home, I prefer him to be able to relax and enjoy mine and the DC's company. I know it's a hard day, but it's my job ATM. If he is here, he joyfully does bath time, and loves to read stories so is a blessing.

I think it'd be harder for him to finish work, come home, do bedtime, then have to start working all over again! When would you get to see him and spend time together? We prefer our evenings (albeit maybe just a couple of hours) together. It works for us

Bumpsadaisie · 27/09/2011 17:59

If he's home by 6 thats great isn't it?

4 days a week my DH leaves at 7 and is rarely home before 7.45 - but he gets straight in the bath with DD the moment he walks through the door. I then get 30 mins to myself and to tidy round a bit and then I do her story while DH hotfoots it downstairs to finish whatever supper I've started off.
By the time we sit down to eat it is never sooner than 8.45.

meravigliosa · 27/09/2011 17:59

Would it be possible to do bedtime a bit later? 6pm seems quite early to me. I have always worked full-time and often wasn't picking up kids from nursery till nearly 6, even when they were very small. I don't think they have been particularly sleep-deprived over the years. I don't think I know anyone who regularly gets away from work as early as 5 if they are working full-time.

severnofnine · 27/09/2011 18:01

YANBU.... I sometimes go to work earlier in the morning ( start at 7 rather than 8:30) so I can leave at a reasonable time and have eat tea with the children. I dont think its a big ask especially as you have the children all day

LeQueen · 27/09/2011 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thingumy · 27/09/2011 18:09

wahhhhh

My husband works away for 5 years at time....You are so lucky.

Wink
TheCrackFox · 27/09/2011 18:11

Well, DH is a chef so is lucky to get home before midnight. TBH it is pretty shit but not much we can do about it.

However......it would be truly lovely to have a DH who got home super early. How about suggesting he compromises and does it once a week? Wednesday would be a nice mid-week treat.

Hatwoman · 27/09/2011 18:13

taking into account all work - his job, childcare, and household chores - do you both do an equal amount? The flipside of that question is do you both get the same amount of time off? Currently, in the evenings, after bed-time, are you both off-duty? or does he get to watch tv/read/do whatever while you do household/child-related jobs?

Your proposal is effectively asking him to increase his total work load. So, if the current split is 50/50, your change would make it uneven. If, however, you spend your evenings doing jobs then your proposal might redress the balance.

Having said all that, if you're exhausted, ratty, and at the end of your tether by the end of your day then, even if the current split is 50-50, it would be good for everyone to negotiate a change of routine (eg he comes home early twice a week and gets to go cycling/to the pub whatever once a week)

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