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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want DH to come straight home?

149 replies

MurunBuchstansangur · 27/09/2011 17:15

DH is a primary teacher. He leaves work around 5 to 5.30pm nd has a 45 minute drive.

I am fucked off with having the children all day and doing dinner and bath by myself for him to swan in at bedtime.

He finishes school at half 3, so am AIBU to want him to come straight home to spend some time with the DCs before bed.

This would mean that he has to work later into the evening and he'd probably not finish until 9.30, maybe even 10pm.

OP posts:
Adversecamber · 27/09/2011 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hatwoman · 27/09/2011 18:18

fwiw I think the comparisons with other posters' situations aren't very relevant. what matters is fairness/sanity/happiness in your household (for you, dh, and dcs)

also - looking at your op again you say dh "swans in" - I wonder if you're feeling and/or being taken for granted a bit? sounds like teh two of you need time and space to relax and talk to each other. having kids is hard work. all round.

Bohica · 27/09/2011 18:20

yanbu, kids do tend to push your buttons easier after a long day and resentment can easily build if you feel like your the only one doing the childcare.

I can understand your rant but 6pm is early, especially as you have weekends and school holidays togeather. I personally like my DH coming home at 7,30pm every night, it gives me time to get the children all fed, bathed and into bed and get our dinner on and have a glass of wine

I do a much better job of the above Grin and if DH is here (very rarely) he tends to make the children excited and my routine gets messed up!

I don't resent him as I enjoy it and I work part time, 5 days a week.

How old are your children?

MigratingCoconuts · 27/09/2011 18:28

yep...you're being flamed!

I am glad to hear your DH is a dedicated teacher.....

Original poster
MurunBuchstansangur · 27/09/2011 18:35

he's not in yet.

I start bath at 1815, and he usually gets in at some point during the bath. Then he eats his tea while I sort them out. I have a 9MO and a 4YO who is still only at school in the afternoons (being a slave to school is probably another thing that's pissing me off)

I spend a good half hour reading stories, he comes and does that 50% of the time. They go to bed between 7 and 7.30.

I didn't mean that I am fucked off with the DCs much more that I'm pissed off with him choosing to stay at work so he walks in at the point they are all in pyjamas and bed.

Someone asked me why I had DCs if I don't want to look after them all day. No one asked why my DH had DCs if he prioritises playstation time in the evening over DC time.

OP posts:
TottWriter · 27/09/2011 18:39

If he's not spending time with the DCs when he is at home that's a separate issue, and nothing to do with how long he works.

Yes, he is a little unreasonable to mess about on the playstation before their bedtime if you've had them all day, but bear in mind that as he works with children, he's a hard day just like you. Coming home a little after six is much earlier than a lot of people manage!

Rindercella · 27/09/2011 18:40

It probably is less of a choice for him to stay at work than it is a necessity to get all his work done.

Now, you are talking about playstation time...so is that more of an issue to you than his working until a reasonable hour?

Refuses to be drawn into the top trumps game going on here.

NorthernerAtHeart · 27/09/2011 18:41

To be honest Murun, I am completely with you.
Regardless of how hard or otherwise anyone else has it, your DH CAN be home by 5pm and CAN lighten your load. He is CHOOSING to stay at work so that he comes hom when all the work is just about done. He COULD save one batch of marking and do it when the kids are in bed at least one night a week.

Because he CAN do all these things, you are perfectly justified in being pissed off that he doesn't.

One of the great benefits of teaching is that we CAN get home early to spend time with our own children.

If it's really not going to happen, could he eat once the kids are in bed? Could he do one of the kids bedtime routine every night?
To make your life easier if non of that happens, can you start reducing the half hour of stories? Through necessity (regularly doing 3 kids bedtimes myself) mine get 1 story each (the 1 year old probably 2 or 3). We do read during the day too, so they are not being denied stories in general.

BlueFergie · 27/09/2011 18:44

Well my DH gets in at the earliest 7.20, and I aim for the kids to be in bed by 8, although usually 8.10/8.15. But when he walks in he hits the ground running. He helps with stories/ putting to bed/ tidying whatever needs to be done and he has his tea once they are in bed.
I think he should chip in as soon as he arrives back and leave his tea until after they are in bed. That is what I would expect

worraliberty · 27/09/2011 18:48

No one asked why my DH had DCs if he prioritises playstation time in the evening over DC time.

Drip...drip!

Groovee · 27/09/2011 18:49

His school doesn't have a time that they can't leave before? I some school's I've worked in no one can leave before 3.45pm to ensure everyone is finished teaching etc.

I'm currently working til 4pm 2 days and been leaving at 3pm on a Thursday as I'm exhausted. But when parents don't collect their children until 15 minutes after pick up time, it's eating into our working time as Nursery Staff have to stay until 4pm daily.

I'm married to a plumber/gas engineer who is home a lot in the summer then come the winter is always out til about 10pm which can make it a very long day.

MardyArsedMidlander · 27/09/2011 18:49

I have a similar job, and have to say it's a damn site easier to finish work at the end of the day- than to sit down with it at 8pm when you are already practically weeping with tiredness, and find something in the work that means you sit there until 10pm aware that you have to get up the next morning and do it all again Sad

As for him 'swanning in'- I have never ever met a teacher capable of doing that after a day's work. They are usually on their fking knees by that time.

HappyCamel · 27/09/2011 18:53

Yabu, he's back at 6, has weeks and weeks off for school hols and takes home a decent salary. What more do you want?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/09/2011 18:54

YANBU - Northerner is right.

There is no logic to the posts that say that because other men have to work late into the evening that your DH should stay at work when he has other options.

thestringcheeseincident · 27/09/2011 18:55

Why does he have to have dinner when he gets in? Could he not delay that till after 7.30? Then he could help you with the whole bed/bath shift

YouHaveNoPowerOverMe · 27/09/2011 18:56

YABU.

He is working and still getting home at 6pm.

I wish my Dp came home at all. He leaves Sunday eve at 7pm and gets home Friday eve at 7pm!

ImperialBlether · 27/09/2011 18:57

But you are asking him, then, to finish work before his work is finished and finish it off in the evening.

Why is it people think they can ask teachers to do this, but not other professions? Why should he break off halfway through his work and then finish it at 8pm? Who the hell wants to work then?

You're being very selfish, OP. You have two small children - it's not as though you've got quads.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 27/09/2011 19:00

Some of the work can be taken home, some is much easier to do at school. There will also be meetings etc. after school.

Personally I can't mark after about 9pm or I start writing nonsense, so I prefer to stay at school for a bit, then come home, then do a bit more once the children are in bed.

Also agree with Boffinmum to a certain extent, in some schools it's frowned upon to actually leave when the bell goes.

TheOriginalFAB · 27/09/2011 19:03

yy bluefergie - from when ds1 was 10 days old and dh was back at work he would come in and take baby for a bath while I started our dinner. Bonding time for them 2 and a break for me. Now we have 3 children and they are aged 6-10 he comes in and immediately starts with what needs doing with the kids. We don't eat until after they are bathed and in bed. Both of us are starving by then but needs must.

bettaday · 27/09/2011 19:09

YANBU to want DH to help when he gets in. What would he say if you asked him to help as soon as he got in?

bettaday · 27/09/2011 19:10

agree with TheOriginal - it makes sense for dh to give you a break. mine did and even 5 min helped

noblegiraffe · 27/09/2011 19:16

Taking school work home to do in the evening is shit. I was doing school work till midnight last night then I got up at 6:30 to get ready to go into school again. If I had the choice to do it all after school (I have to leave to pick DS up from the childminder) and have the evening free from the looming dread of a stack of marking that prevents you from ever really relaxing of an evening, then I'd stay at school later too.

FabbyChic · 27/09/2011 19:18

You are being unreasonable, far better for him to stay and finish at school so that he is finished. To stop work for over six hours then start again is a pigging nightmare and could more than likely finish your marriage off.

If you hate being a stay at home mum, get a job and find childcare for your chidlren.

FabbyChic · 27/09/2011 19:21

Oh and put your kids to bed an hour later, it ain't rocket science.

BoysInTheHood · 27/09/2011 19:21

  1. I don't think YABU to want your DH to spend more time with the DCs, they're his children too.
  1. I used to have two young children, one with severe SN, and a DH that got home at 7pm. Spending day after day dealing with the drudgery, with very little contact with other people, was hard work and stressful. I was miserable, became impatient with them often and I hated it. I think you may be feeling similar.
  1. I do think that a compromise is in order. Your DH could come home earlier a couple of evenings/start earlier a couple of mornings to help you out (and yes, I know there's many for whom this isn't an option but if it is why shouldn't it be explored?) This could work well if you both still get leisure time.

I'm lucky that my DH now has a job which enables him to be home by 4pm 95% of the time. I can't tell you how much difference it makes to have someone helping to cook tea, iron the uniforms, bath the boys etc. I no longer dread this time of day.

Hope it works out for you Smile