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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want DH to come straight home?

149 replies

MurunBuchstansangur · 27/09/2011 17:15

DH is a primary teacher. He leaves work around 5 to 5.30pm nd has a 45 minute drive.

I am fucked off with having the children all day and doing dinner and bath by myself for him to swan in at bedtime.

He finishes school at half 3, so am AIBU to want him to come straight home to spend some time with the DCs before bed.

This would mean that he has to work later into the evening and he'd probably not finish until 9.30, maybe even 10pm.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 27/09/2011 19:23

I think 4yrs old and 9 months old is a great age gap

OP how did you manage with they were at the difficult newborn stage if you can't manage them alone now before 6pm, with one of them going to school in the afternoons?

worraliberty · 27/09/2011 19:24

*When

RedHotPokers · 27/09/2011 19:24

OP YABU expecting him to have to work late into the evening and come home earlier.

However you are not BU expecting him to pull his weight when he is home. No reason at all why he can't eat his tea once DCs are in bed.

My DH gets in at 6pm. He normally baths the DCs and reads them a book once he's had a chill out and a cup of tea. He eats his dinner as soon as they are in bed.

stigofthelump · 27/09/2011 19:26

I am sitting here on my own having just put my 7month dd to bed and waiting for my DH to return from fishing with my 2 DS's! He is very lucky to work close to home and for a company that allows flexitime. He can start work early and then finish early to spend time with family! He will probably work tonight at home for a couple of hours.

For years he would work very long hours (till 2am sometimes) and he does go away for a week at a time for work every few months.

DH loves being able to have time with the kids and it means we can do things like go swimming all together after school finishes.

I think if your DH can manage one day a week that he can come home early you would find it's fantastic for all the family. Our DC are growing up so quickly we feel really lucky that DH can occasionally come home early and we really make the most of the time.

ImperialBlether · 27/09/2011 19:26

Maybe you are bathing them when they're already too tired? Why not try bringing their evening meal and bath forward a bit, so that they're not so tired. Then, when your husband comes in, they'll be in their pyjamas - he can read them their stories and you can sit downstairs and relax.

HuwEdwards · 27/09/2011 19:27

MB, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - and this from someone whose DP lft at the crack of dawn for a 100 mile drive and returned at around 8 each night for the first 6 years of parenthood.

BUT if he was as near as your DH, finished at 3.30 and then chose EVERY night to stay there until 6pm, I would be hacked off. As another poster said, a compromise IS possible here.

I pick my kids up at 5 to 5.30 from After school club and there is rarely a car in the teachers carpark

HandMini · 27/09/2011 19:35

YANBU - all this moaning from other posters about how they had not a scrap of help for 10 years with their quintuplets is bollocks. Everyone's situation is different and it's there to be made the best of, not to be borne uncomplainingly simply because you've decided to work part time.

Tell your DH that it would make a huge difference to you if he came home early one night a week and took complete control of bath and bedtime. If that means he works late, or goes in at the crack of dawn the next day, so be it.

Original poster
MurunBuchstansangur · 27/09/2011 19:40

It's not a contest about how long we can parent unsupported.

I'm not meaning to dripfeed. He's not playing games while DCs are up, I mean that since he works while they are awake he can play in the evening after they are asleep.

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 27/09/2011 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HuwEdwards · 27/09/2011 19:43

But seriously how many primary school teachers stay at school until 5pm every night?

None that I know.

BeerTricksPotter · 27/09/2011 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HuwEdwards · 27/09/2011 19:50

crikey - they must be a bunch of slackers at our school Grin

ImperialBlether · 27/09/2011 19:51

All of my children's teachers did, HuwEdwards. It's the same at any good school, I think.

noblegiraffe · 27/09/2011 19:52

Do you work while he plays on his playstation in the evening, or are your evenings free?

Because if you're asking him to give up his free evenings to help you with your role as SAHM earlier in the day, then it's a bit unfair if you are then lounging around watching telly while he does his marking.

ImperialBlether · 27/09/2011 19:52

You can't possibly do any preparation or marking or admin whilst the children are in the class. You have to do it outside class time.

In my children's (different) senior schools, the car park would be full by 7am. Gone are the days when the teachers drive up as the bell's ringing.

BlueFergie · 27/09/2011 19:58

I think the key here is how you spend your evenings once the kids are in bed. Are you working/ cleaning/ housework etc or are you relaxing. Because if you are expecting your husband to come home earlier to help with the kids and then to sit down to work again once they are in bed, meanwhile you are watching TV, mumsnetting whatever then YABU. When will he get to relax under your plan?
However if you are going full tilt until 10pm at the moment while he plays playstation then YANBU, he should be redistributing his time to lighten the load for you.
Another consideration is how it will go down in his school. My DH could technically leave earlier if he had to but it is a small company and would be career suicide.

CustardCake · 27/09/2011 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueFergie · 27/09/2011 20:02

Also meant to say you might want to consider the imapct working late will have on him. I know when I brought work home and worked until 10pm, I found it had quite a big impact on my sleep pattern, as it was very difficult to switch off. I also found any work after 8pm was much less eficient, so something that would take an hour at 5pm to do, took an hour and a half at night time, so he may well end up spending a lot more time working with the result it could spill into him working weekends to make up.

herbietea · 27/09/2011 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Haberdashery · 27/09/2011 20:31

I agree with the people who say that some compromise is needed here. I think it is unreasonable to expect your husband to come home early every night. It is not unreasonable of him to expect to finish his work before coming home. However, as you are currently struggling with bath/bedtime, could he come home earlier one night a week and stay later the other nights to finish his work? Also, you do have your husband there to do stories 50% of the time, you have long holidays when he is there, you have time together in the evenings. I would personally be delighted with any one of those things.

I know it's not a competition, but my husband rarely gets home before 10 or 11pm depending on exactly what's happening at work and he leaves at 8. For the last three weeks he's been working every day including Sundays, though he did get a few evenings off a couple of weeks ago and was home around 7. I work part-time so I do get a break from childcare which may help a bit. I don't think people are doing competitive misery exactly, just pointing out that actually you are very lucky. You just don't realise how lucky you are!

JIRkids · 27/09/2011 20:38

YABU - just because the kids go home at 3 it doesn't mean his job finishes there. I know he has the flexibility to come home early and then work later on but do you think that is really fair on him?

EmmalinaC · 27/09/2011 20:47

OP, saying you are 'fucked off with having the children all day' was never going to get you much sympathy here but actually I don't think you're being unreasonable.

My DH is not a teacher but he does work long hours and has an equally long commute. He often brings work home to do in the evening so that he can see our DDs at bedtime but that's because I make him his choice. Sounds like you need to have a chat with him. It wouldn't be unreasonable to ask him to do this once or twice a week.

I really hate it when threads turn into Mumsnet Top Trumps: 'my husband never gets home before midnight' 'you've only got 2 DCs' 'if you don't like it get a job' Hmm

ilovesooty · 27/09/2011 20:48

I am fucked off with having the children all day and doing dinner and bath by myself for him to swan in at bedtime

YABU for that comment alone. Do you think he's enjoying himself all day?

ImperialBlether · 27/09/2011 20:52

I think the mistake is thinking that a teacher's job ends or is flexible once the children go home. It isn't - there's a hell of a lot to do. The OP wants her husband to come home when he's still got work to do, spend a couple of hours doing family things and then carry on with his work. I don't think that's fair or an efficient way for him to work. It's far better to finish work at work and leave it behind, both mentally and physically.

motherinferior · 27/09/2011 20:57

I'd be fucked off by it too, actually. Even if nothing could be done about it, I'd be fucked off. (Mind you, I'd also be fucked off by working late every night.)

God, this thread is like a mothers' version of the Monty Python Four Yorkshiremen sketch.

Mostly, I'm with Hatwoman. I often am.