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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too unfair! Just split up- 8 month old baby and I'm getting nothing and it sucks!!

51 replies

washingonawednesday · 22/09/2011 19:35

Together for 13 years, married for 4. He has an affair- the last of 7 I have now found out!! We're split up and he's still with ow (who incidentally is a fat ugly cow 8 years older than me who knew full well he was married with a 3 month old baby- bitch. I know it takes 2 and he's a shit, but really- try to show some class!)

I digress- apparently 4 years is classed as a 'short' marriage despite being together for 13 years. I supported him through uni, progressional qualifications and a whole load of crap from his family and I'm now entitled to nothing!

I get csa minimum child maintainence and that's it. No spousal support, no cut if future earnings, no pension share, nothing.

So he is earning £40k and I'm on benefits with a baby. My life is shit and he's happy as larry.

Where us the legal support in marriage eh!

Feeling very hard done by.

OP posts:
gethelp · 22/09/2011 19:39

Please tell me someone can help this woman, this is outrageous!

StrandedBear · 22/09/2011 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MercyDulbottle · 22/09/2011 19:44

Is there a house? do you get a share of it, or to stay in it?

herbietea · 22/09/2011 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gethelp · 22/09/2011 19:45

Hope you've got nice friends and family to help.

StrandedBear · 22/09/2011 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northernlurker · 22/09/2011 19:46

Very few people get spousal support. Your dh has to be earning mega bucks for that to be an issue as I understand it. 40k is not poverty but it's not in oligarch league. How long have you been a sahm? The pension share thing is to protect women who have given up years of their career to a partnership. If you've worked till a few months ago then you haven't lost out like that. I agree he's a shit - but one income will not support two households in the same way it supported one and yes you will lose out. You have the plus of not being with a faithless wanker anymore though.

ThePumpkinKing · 22/09/2011 19:48

I don't know.

You might feel hard done by, but the idea that he should have to support you, as opposed to your child is a bit odd. And as for a share of his future earnings - is that a common arrangment?

I mean, had you been so inclined, you could have left him with the child, and struck out on your own. You can still go to Uni and get a decent job, and in the long run, you're probably better off without him.

planetpotty · 22/09/2011 19:50

Where have you got this info from? Have your recently divorced? Or is this from him?

Its really harsh but the short marriage term is just used by the legal egals to put things into categories it does not mean your marriage counted any less - please dont take it personally :) short, long whatever you were married and he cheated = arsehole!

HappyMummyOfOne · 22/09/2011 20:10

Four years is very short for a marriage, far to short to get a stake in his pension.

Spousal support is rare, usually only given where one partner earns a really high salary and the other has given up a high flying career to support that.

You are getting CSA for the child and thats all you are entitled to. As an adult you are expected to work to provide for yourself.

mumblechum1 · 22/09/2011 20:17

What capital have you amassed over the 13 years you've been together? Do you own a house together, have joint savings, ISAs, endowment policies etc?

It is a short marriage, unfortunately, although previous cohabitation can be taken into account depending on the circs.

planetpotty · 22/09/2011 20:17

Four years too short? Tell that to my DH and his exw :) she got a stake.

Agree with the spousal support being rare though.

Sending hugs - not giving a shit if its MNetty or not Grin.

People please remember she has JUST been left by -D-H I know we have our opinions but go a bit easy hey :)

MumblingRagDoll · 22/09/2011 20:29

You have the shitty end of the stick financially but you have the baby. He has a fat ugly cow...he won't be cooing over THAT in the morning will he!

What a twat.

You can do FAR better without some messed up idiot hanging around and sucking all your energy up. Your life begins NOW!

squeakytoy · 22/09/2011 20:35

Its probably shit right now, but it WILL get better. Life will move on, and one day you will honestly look back and be glad to be rid of him.

If he wasnt earning any money, you would still be in the same situation you are in at the moment, so its down to you to do what you can to improve your situation. I dont mean that in a harsh way, but stewing on what you cant have isnt going to make things any different.

The best revenge is to get on with your life, and let him see that losing you was the best thing he could ever have done... FOR YOU!!

babybarrister · 22/09/2011 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/09/2011 21:01

You're entitled to half the marital assets but not earnings. It's all rather based on 'no fault' divorce these days. Even if one party has behaved abyssmally, it counts for nothing. I'd match the bare minimum CSA award with bare minimum contact, and keep guilt-tripping the guy into coughing up more. But, as everyone else has said, the best response is to forge your own life, relish your independence, enjoy having no-one interfering in the upbringing of your baby & stick a metaphorical two fingers up.

It's horrible at first but, when the dust clears, you'll find you're a stronger person.... whereas he's still a shit. :)

chocolatehobnobs · 22/09/2011 21:34

Poor you. At least you are rid of the toss pot. You have your lovely baby and remember the best revenge is to be really happy.

perplexedpirate · 22/09/2011 21:40

I have no advice to offer, but just wanted to say how much this sucks.
But bear in mind you'll be the winner no matter what, cos you'll always be you, and he is stuck with being him forever.
Congrats on your lovely baby too.

SpringHeeledJack · 22/09/2011 21:43

that's truly, truly rotten

best of luck to you. And a big squeezy ((hug))

mummytowillow · 22/09/2011 21:51

Washing - I feel for you, I was married for 8 years, together for 10, my ex divorced me and I didn't get a penny, not one penny! Sad We have a house together, which we rent out, it is in £15k negative equity so we can't even sell that!

He earns £45k and has a very nice lifestyle with his tart, BUT I'm still happy, I have a nice home, good friends and family and my beautiful daughter! Smile

I know it must hurt, but think about what you have got. I have only, in the last few months accepted it, and decided to stop being angry and bitter as it was eating me up inside.

Big hugs to you both xx

Cocoflower · 22/09/2011 22:04

Another example of the British legal system favouring the the run away father

WibblyBibble · 22/09/2011 22:32

That is fucking outrageous. OP, I hope on your behalf that he's hit by a bus. Wonder where the 'fathers rights' people are on this kind of thing? It seems like fathers/men already get the massively better deal after divorce already, so what are they whining about.

niceguy2 · 22/09/2011 23:12

OP. What about the house?

Four years is a pretty short marriage but my ex managed to get a larger share of money out of the marital home despite her having never contributed financially and a short two year marriage because they had young kids.

It's not that you are entitled to nothing. You are entitled to a share of any assets you have now. Just not to future assets he may/may not earn in the future. Clean break divorces are the favoured norm in the UK.

Morloth · 23/09/2011 03:28

Hang on. How were any joint assets split? Who owns the house you are currently living in? What happened to any money that was in the bank, any cars etc?

I don't think spousal support should be expected, child maintenance of course.

Where is all the money from the last 13 years? You will need to go back to work.

kiwimumof2boys · 23/09/2011 04:05

What a f*er. I'm sorry i can't offer any help or advice only to say that with his pathetic behaviour he's shown his true colours and has done you a favour in the long term of things - you are so better off without him.
Good luck XX

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