Too unfair! Just split up- 8 month old baby and I'm getting nothing and it sucks!!

[washingonawednesday]

Together for 13 years, married for 4. He has an affair- the last of 7 I have now found out!! We're split up and he's still with ow (who incidentally is a fat ugly cow 8 years older than me who knew full well he was married with a 3 month old baby- bitch. I know it takes 2 and he's a shit, but really- try to show some class!)

I digress- apparently 4 years is classed as a 'short' marriage despite being together for 13 years. I supported him through uni, progressional qualifications and a whole load of crap from his family and I'm now entitled to nothing!

I get csa minimum child maintainence and that's it. No spousal support, no cut if future earnings, no pension share, nothing.

So he is earning £40k and I'm on benefits with a baby. My life is shit and he's happy as larry.

Where us the legal support in marriage eh!

Feeling very hard done by.

It is a pretty shit thing to happen, the first thing to help you along the way is to look at it this way. While he might be happy with her and his new life, as soon as this happens, there is always an opening for a new mistress.

Now along the way, people make decisions, and well, while it isn't one you would have liked to have made and it was kind of made for you.

One of the decisions you have made is to stay at home and look after the kids. The thing is you have made that decision, and you receive CSA payments to help you do that. So, if life is shit, why not change it and give him the kids and go back to work and start paying CSA to him? It is a fair comment, because if you take the male/female part out of it, both parents are equally important, and not one is more important than the other. I am expecting a lot of flack over this, being that this site is mainly female, and all men are bastards, but at the end of the day, not one parent is more important than the other, and their ability to look after a child while it may vary, I can show you just as many females that are bad mothers as there are males that are bad fathers.

What I always fail to understand is that it seems to be a god given right that the male pays and is expected to pay for everything, and they are bastards when they don't. So what if the roles were reversed?

I pay £670 a month in CSA, and don't even get to see my son. I also paid all the bills as well, including fuel (nearly £500 a month!), council tax, mortgages on her property, and pretty much everything, until one day she helped herself to a lot of money from the joint account which caused my mortgage to bounce on our joint property. This left me going backwards at £1000 a month, but I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do.

From where I stand, both sides have a financial contribution that needs to be made. I know looking after a child is a hard thing to do, but it is a decision you have made. I know that I would love to have changed roles, but I don't get to make that decision.

At the end of the day, it is a pretty shit situation, and well, don't envy it at all. The only thing I can offer is that not all men as bastards, and that you do finally meet someone who respects you for who you are, and doesn't shirk around on you. They are out there, you just have to find them.

I can understand you feel annoyed, and you sound like you are well shot of him, seven affairs! You have been liberated, no other way around it.

However, I don't get why you think he should pay you, other than splitting your assets and paying for your child. You haven't presumably been out of the work-place long (if you supported him through uni and qualifications), so are probably in a good position to go back, more so than if you had four children and been a SAHM for years. Your LO is only 8 months old, you can find a nursery, if low-waged will get credits for childcare, personally I think you have a much greater chance of making a go of it in life without an unfaithful millstone around your neck! I don't think you are consigned to benefits indefinitely.

who incidentally is a fat ugly cow 8 years older than me

hilarious when people say this - I want to shout well she must have something going for her because he prefers her :) Maybe she is a nicer person

yeah... hilarious

You are well shot. Get him back by getting on with your life and being happy (hard, I know as it has only just happened). A horrible, spineless man like this would love to be able to brag about his ex-w being in pieces without him, or, even better, begging him to come back - don't give him the satisfaction.

OP I think you've been given a really hard time on this post and there have been one or two unnecessarily cruel posts. Your DH has been a complete bastard to you and you are now on your own for the first time in 13 years, with a small baby. You're hurt and angry and lashing out. Those things are all fine. In time you'll see you don't want him, or his money and you will make it on your own. Chin up and ignore those who simply set out to be cruel to a faceless person on the internet. I think a lot of people forget it is actual people living these situations in these posts. Take care.

Well said TeaMakesitbetter

Avalaff, don't kick her while she's down. Mean.

I don't know anything about the system really but how can he may the minimum on 40k? I thought it was relative to his earnings? Also, isn't there some rule about keeping a child in the lifestyle they are acustomed to? Going from 40k to benefits is not. Or is that a myth? Have you actually contacted any legal person about all this? Really doesn't seem fair, I'm sorry.

presume she meant the minimum % of his earnings that he's obliged to (is it 15% in England?), but I could be wrong.

OP may find this link useful to see if her STBXH is offering a reasonable amount of maintenance. It's worth bearing in mind that with the new CSA charges and taxation, the OP may be better off negotiating an amount slightly below the CSA-recommended amount. If it's significantly below, however, it would be worth using the CSA despite the charges incurred.

The OP is angry, hurt and worried about her future. She is entitled to rant and to feel resentful. Her whole life has just been turned on its head and her standard of living changed beyond all recognition and through no fault of her own. Granted, the legal system doesn't base decisions on hurt feelings, for good reasons, but the OP is entitled to be angry about her new situation.

OP I'd recommend getting some independent legal advice. Even if the house was solely in your DH's name as a spouse you have a stake in it, especially because you are the parent with care. You won't get spousal support (it is very unusual unless the spouse can prove that her own earning potential has suffered significantly as a direct result of being married) and you'll just have to accept that and move on, but I understand why you're angry about it. It isn't morally fair even if it is from a legal POV.

Goo luck for your future. Try to channel all that justifiable anger into something positive, rather than bitterness, which will only hurt you and your baby more. The best revenge is a life well-lived.

Thanks for the support- yes I am lashing out. I did not ever want to be in this position and I hate it. I know it can be done countless different ways, but I truly believe that children should be brought up by two parents who love each other and the child. This sets a good example and is best all round. Proved somewhat by my husbands horrible family experienced and his choices! Still it can't happen now and I will make the best of it but I feel very sorry for my child.

As for me feeling sorry for myself- I do all the night waking, get all the worry, am responsible for all the desisions and he gets a nice day with my wonderful son once a fortnight. This is his choice- he chooses his ow over his son the rest of the time.

Admittedly I get the benefit of my boy, and he is a joy and the rest of the benefits of being with a baby which he misses, but both the good and the bad should be shared.

In addition to all this worry I have financial worries now that I can't handle as well as the responsibility of being a new mum. He has no such issues.

We had no savings or assets. He has only recently Bern promoted and had the pay increase- it was going to be the chance for us to start enjoying life with a bit more cash- well now he is enjoying it with someone else.

We have a house, but our mortgage has now reduced to the level where if he was not living there he would have to rent a studio flat for the same money do he does not want to sell. I am living with my parents for the support and because I could not afford to pay the mortgage on my own.

As I said previously- this sucks!

Because you are married, you are entitled to half the equity in the house. It may be that he has to pay you that amount of equity as part of the divorce settlement. Perhaps you could then use that equity to reduce the mortgage so you can afford the payments?

I hope you have managed to get some decent legal advice and good luck.

Make him sell the fucking house!
Are you both on the mortgage? Cheeky fucking bastard.

Sell the house.

Tough shit if he has to live in a flat.

That is not your problem.

What if your problem now is getting everything your son needs.

Ah, I misunderstood and thought you were living in the marital home but had chosen to stay with your parents for the time being.

You can force him to sell the house but a good solicitor will get a settlement before it gets that nasty. Are you entitled to legal aid? Posters here can advise forcing ex to sell but if OP can't afford a solicitor, it's going to be difficult. I would recommend posting in legal matters.

Have you had independent legal advice? The short marriage point doesn't sound as if it should be relevant in your situation - it is only really relevant in splitting the surplus assets after needs etc have been taken care of i.e. cases where there is a lot of cash.
In your case it sounds as if the priority would be housing you and your son.
If you've not yet done so, please get proper legal advice relevant to your precise situation. Lots of places do a free first 1/2 hour if you are worried about money.

As a financial asset, the house is for both of you. It's not about whether he wants to live there or rent a flat. It's about what will provide the best financial security for your DS. If you went to court, you may well get a judgement that says you should be allowed to remain in the matrimonial home while your XH pays some of the mortgage in recognition that you could not pay it all yourself, with a view to the property being sold at a future date and the equity divided fairly between you (which may mean either one of you getting more than the other depending on who's put in what).

Alternatively, you may decide, with the market as it is, to let him stay there and sell at a future date when you'd get more money. The point is that the house is an asset, and therefore it's primary concern as part of your divorce is how it relates to your DS (not you or your H, though in many cases what is best for your DS will also be what is best for you because you are primary carer).

I'm a single parent and have been since my DTs (now 5) were 4 months. I also left with nothing. I wouldn't say my life is trouble free and my career path has been completely altered because of the responsibility of being a lone parent, but I can honestly say I'm the happiest and most content I've ever been in my life and I love being an LP. Yes it's harder in some ways (especially the first couple of baby/toddler years, where is really is exhausting), but it has it's own very special advantages. As long as you can get enough support from family and/or friends, you'll be fine. And your confidence and capability will benefit as a result.

Don't believe all the rubbish in the papers about outcomes for children from single parent families. They're statistical trends but the truth is that a child from a stable, happy LP background does just as well as a child from a home with two parents. And if the two parent family isn't a happy, healthy one, the child from a LP family often does significantly better.

Sorry about what's happened .

Agree with others that if you have equity in the house, try to sell it. See a lawyer if you can.

You CAN do this. It doesn't feel like it now, but you'll be OK and your beautiful boy will have a lovely life.

Check out the relationships section for some support.

I know what you mean... I was completely devastated when I first separated, worrying about how it was going to impact on my son. I thought, how could someone knowingly deceive me into having a child, only to walk out, me pay for my son, and not be able to see him at all.

I have now pretty much had to walk away from the situation, something that was extremely difficult to do. As a parent you want the best for you child, and the child should ALWAYS come first, but when a child is being emotionally used in a game, that is completely unacceptable, and I cannot allow him to be used in such a way. The thing is, in this country, it is completely supported by the courts, and there is nothing you can do about it. What breaks your heart is when your son goes around and shuts all the doors, and doesn't want to be taken home after the one hour you do get to spend with him. Do I want to do it? No. Hopefully one day he will understand why I did it, and it was all out of my control.

You do have the benefit of having your son. That is something that money can't buy no matter what. I would have gladly taken over the responsibility of looking after our son.

You have had a rough trot... It will get better with time, and to be honest, while it seems pretty tough at the time, you will come out the other side a much stronger person. We all have financial issues to sort out, and life isn't easy. You are right it does suck...

YY to 'Make him sell the house'. It is a joint asset. Any equity in that should be split.

If the house is in both of your names it is your legal right to force a sale. Of course he doesn't want to move, he's living in a house with a little mortgage whilst you crash at your parents.
You need to see a solicitor.

Definitely see a solicitor, especially about the one shared marital asset i.e. the house. If there is any equity in the property, legally half of it is yours. If you are struggling to deal with the break-up, your new situation, financial matters, and a small baby you might not be feeling quite up to setting solicitors on him on top. Ask your parents to help you with it. I'm sure they'd be glad to.

What a twat your ex is. I truelly believe in karma though. Best of luck.

I agree that you need to get legal advice. The starting point (which can be influenced by various factors) is that the marital assets - including the house - should be split 50/50. It sounds like you are being legged over at the moment if he is living in the house while you and your baby are staying with your parents.