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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why anyone with school-aged children would want to be a SAHM?

1006 replies

Badtasteflump · 22/09/2011 13:43

And what they do all day?

I have my flame-proof hard-hat ready Grin

In the spirit of the general shit-stirring on here today I though I would ask this - as I do really wonder. Fair enough when you have pre-school aged children, I can understand wanting to be a SAHM. But once your children are at school full-time, what is there to do all day?

I work PT (school hours, basically). I manage (jointly with DH) to get all the housework, cooking, diy, etc) done in the evenings & weekends, no problem. If I were at home all day I really think I would go a bit mad - either that or I fear I would gradually become relegated to the role of house-slave, doing all the housework and childcare myself because I wouldn't have the excuse of a 'proper' job. . .

OP posts:
PenguinPatter · 22/09/2011 14:31

Not quite there yet as still have one pre school aged DC left- but already sick of all the comments with second DC just started about me being in a position of not knowing what to do with myself Hmm I don't seem to stop but then I am studying with OU as well.

I assumed I'd get something when youngest started but there are so many occasions when the school want parents in for events in first school year. Plus I would like to be around for the bulk of the school holidays. Anything I earn would also have to cover or nearly so pre and after school care for three DC. DH is away during the week so all the childcare is my responsibility with no family nearby to help out in emergencies.

I think what surprises me is the number of people who worked in the pre-school years that stop working once DC started to start school - there has been quite a few and that is with a school with on site holiday care and pre/after school care.

Penthesileia · 22/09/2011 14:32

(Hello franca! I must pop in to Little Italy - been away too long!)

I think if you remove financial necessity from the equation, a lot of people would make very different choices for themselves and their families, and it is disingenuous to imply otherwise when thinking about the things people "do" (and how we value that "doing").

wordfactory · 22/09/2011 14:32

becstarsky the definition of success in writing terms is one I discuss wiht my writer friends a lot.

For some it will be enjoying the work. For others finishing a project. For others getting published. For others anyhting less than commercial success will not do.

Unsuprisingly I hold myself up to much much more rigorous assessment than I would others. Sigh.

meditrina · 22/09/2011 14:34

The primary years are far more hostile to working life than the pre-school ones.

ChooChooWowWow · 22/09/2011 14:36

I do it because we are lucky enough to be able to afford it. I love being able to attend all the DCs school concerts ect and do the school run myself.
During the day cleaning a 5 bedroom house keeps me busy for a couple of hours (if I have time, sometimes I don't bother).
I meet friends for lunch.
Every Thursday is date day with dh. We go for lunch and spend quality time together which is hard with 6 dc at home.
I do my scrapbooking
Today I made Christmas vodka and a chocolate fudge cake Grin yummy
Go to the gym or shopping with no dc which is fab.
I also do some charity work.

There's loads to do in fact I could do with a few more hours in the day for
MNetting essential stuff.

I love staying at home and think I am very lucky that I can.

Bonsoir · 22/09/2011 14:37

wordfactory - but my projects need those things too, and they do. I am not talking about family-related projects when I say that. There is nothing wrong and everything right with needing to interact in a professional capacity. I just don't want a FT job away from my family, so have projects that make fewer demands on my time (though quite considerable demands on my intellect).

Hatwoman · 22/09/2011 14:38

haven't read all the replies yet but was quite take with your question, OP, as to what people actually do? I'm not a sahp but I could think of plenty to do to fill my time if I were. And, tbh, find it suprising/a bit sad/a bit odd that you can't. If I were a sahp of school age children I guess would do all the household/admin etc jobs (that's the boring bit - wouldn't fill my time, as you say); and then I would do a mixture of

  • train to do a Bob Graham
  • continue in my voluntary work on an advisory committee to an international NGO
  • horse ride
  • help my friend who works with horses and adults with learning difficulties
  • become a school governor
  • volunteer for CAB or similar
  • walk the dog
  • garden
  • get and look after more animals (pig, sheep, goat, chickens would all be on the list)
  • spend more time with my 80-year old parents
  • join a book club and read more
  • study

I would have no diffulty filling my time.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 22/09/2011 14:38

my gardener is a lady........she may not like it if I try and shag her Shock

RedHotPokers · 22/09/2011 14:38

Part of me is really jealous of people who don't work and have school age children.

I have the best/worst of both worlds (depending on your viewpoint). I work school hours and couldn't afford not to work. I like my job, however, I have no family nearby, my DH works a lot and we are doing a lot of DIY, so I get very very little time to myself.

The thought of being able to read a book during the day, sort out all the junk in the house, peruse the shops. HEAVEN. But I also have a ridiculous work ethic, so probably even if I could afford to give up work, i wouldn't.

Those of you whose DHs work long hours whilst you stay at home - don't you feel a bit bad? I think I would feel a bit lazy, like I had to justify my time IYSWIM. Do your DHs get a decent bit of 'me time' when they are not working to balance our the leisure time?

becstarsky · 22/09/2011 14:39

Hijack to wordfactory I have to admit that there are times when I yearn for the validation of a publisher, if only to feel like a 'proper writer'. But if one more person mentions JK Rowling to me, I will not be responsible for my actions Grin

Francagoestohollywood · 22/09/2011 14:39

[Helle Penthe!!!]

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 22/09/2011 14:40

oh and today in my sahm time I have spent all day planning for cubs for the next few weeks and also did some work my boss sent me by email (I do two days a week during school hours so I think that still qualifies me as a SAHM)

I haven't done any cleaning!! Confused

headfairy · 22/09/2011 14:40

The more posts I read from the SAHMs the more I want to stay at home. I want to do lots of cooking, and baking, and blog writing, and gardening, and generally nice things.

The only thing that scares me is not having my own money to do with as I will. I haven't had to rely on someone else for money since I was at University. I was terrified going on mat leave, because I was down to SMP and couldn't fully contribute to bills etc.

That's why I'd have to win the lottery or inherit before I could do it. I am rather Envy of those that do stay at home all the time though. I'm perfectly sure I could get fulfillment, that's not the issue at all.

Dozer · 22/09/2011 14:41

I agree meditrina, primary school is way, way harder for working parents than the preschool years. Holidays, school times etc. Dreading it.

betterwhenthesunshines · 22/09/2011 14:42

Actually I'm really Angry about this. What if I started a thread that said AIBU to wonder why anyone with school age children would bother having them if they were going to go back to work?

Forget the finance side of it as that is in some cases a necessity, but I think I am actually doing something for society by being there for my children when they need me. Not just 20 mins of quality time at bedtime as I race in through the door at 7.30 like my DH does. Great - if you have the option of PT work, but if that's not a possibility then there's plenty to do to keep busy and fulfilled. As long as the rest of society doesn't judge you on whether you are earning any MONEY.

coccyx · 22/09/2011 14:43

Why would I feel bad?? He has a busy job which he loves, but knows that My 'role' is just as important.
We have 4 children and life is busy

becstarsky · 22/09/2011 14:45

RedHotPokers the way my DH sees it, he loves his job and likes to work long hours. When I was working FT too, he had to compromise, leave early sometimes, not fully commit to projects, and he hated that. Now he can be fully committed because I do all the stuff that would drive him bonkers, and rather than me giving him 'me time', he tends to take over at weekends so that he can spend time with DS and I can write. He doesn't think I'm being lazy - on the contrary he shakes his head and says 'I don't know how you manage'.

wordfactory · 22/09/2011 14:45

Bonsoir apologies.
I assumed you meant family/home related projects...not that there is anything wrong with those. Frankly I should spend more time on them.

I too feel no need to work FT out of the home. Indeed I work out fo the home very rarely. But I do need to work. I do need validation from outside. And I do have the internal need to earn money, though there is no finacial imperative upon me.

I am often asked if I would still write if I didn't have the 'success' that I do. The answer is that while I love it, I'm not convinced I would devote the time it takes up without that outside validation. I don't admit to that in rl of course.

JillySnooper · 22/09/2011 14:47

RedHotPokers, guilt?

Why would I feel guilty about looking after the house and kids and animals doing things I love whilst DH goes out to work doing what he does? Hmm

It's our money, WE earn it. He couldn't do what he does without me and vice versa.

Besides, DH is one of those wonderful generous husbands who are proud and happy to have a SAHW. I actually think he'd hate me working as much as I would.

Smug enough for you, OP?

betterwhenthesunshines · 22/09/2011 14:47

I don't feel bad - it was a joint decision and he now sees the 'extra time' I have free to do what I'd like as payback for the years of relentless bottom wiping, not a single moment of peace between 6am and bedtime! He's much happier knowing that I take care of certain things rather than coming home to a frazzled wife who would be asking him to sort out the broken shower, research a holiday, take time off to take the dog to the vets.....

JillySnooper · 22/09/2011 14:48
  • Sorry, should say doing what he loves, he adore his job.
SanctiMoanyArse · 22/09/2011 14:49

Well, if it's all SAHM then it's becuase 3 / 4 my chidlren ahve SEN that prohibit after school care, mean I have to be here for taxis and appointments and statement meetings and use 4 different schools each with their own set of insets.....

I do get bored, ds4 is only in half days ATM, but I am studying PT as well (from home, dissertation) and I fill my time. DH can;t help much ATM as he is combing work with FT study and you can't apply for flexi or anything with study- he used to work something along those lines before to help. I'll go back to work next year if at all possible. We shall see.

wordfactory · 22/09/2011 14:50

becsatarsky I think in writing terms, indeed in most artistic terms you have to recalibrate your thinking.

What the outside world considers a success ie JKR cannot be what you measure yourself against. That way madness lies.
You must set up your own internal measurements.

Here, I am a very poor role model because my own internal measurements are too focussed on outside validation. That is a bad thing for a writer for so many reasons.

RedHotPokers · 22/09/2011 14:50

becstarsky - why can't you write when your children are in school?

It just doesn't seem fair to me to have to work very long hours and then also have to give your DP a break on the weekend, when they have already had plenty of time in the week to pursue own interests.

I guess its a good job I'm not the DP of a SAHP!!! Wink

Pagwatch · 22/09/2011 14:51

Fuzzywuzzywozabear

You will never know unless you ask her.

Redhotpokers

I have an excellent work ethic thanks. Just because I am not at work does not mean what I do take responsibility for is not performed well and diligently.
And dh has a much much easier life because I am here. He is not hard done by and would be the very first to admit that he benefits greatly from this arrangement.
I think you are misunderstanding the dynamic. Or assuming that a wohm would cover all matters relating to children school, home and household on top of working.
I attend to thing which we would need to attend to jointly in the evening or weekends if I were not here.

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