To wonder why anyone with school-aged children would want to be a SAHM?

[Badtasteflump]

And what they do all day?

I have my flame-proof hard-hat ready

In the spirit of the general shit-stirring on here today I though I would ask this - as I do really wonder. Fair enough when you have pre-school aged children, I can understand wanting to be a SAHM. But once your children are at school full-time, what is there to do all day?

I work PT (school hours, basically). I manage (jointly with DH) to get all the housework, cooking, diy, etc) done in the evenings & weekends, no problem. If I were at home all day I really think I would go a bit mad - either that or I fear I would gradually become relegated to the role of house-slave, doing all the housework and childcare myself because I wouldn't have the excuse of a 'proper' job. . .

Being a teacher made it very difficult to just drop and leave. Also, when I was in a large secondary it sometimes took a while to get hold of me as I floated.

As for salary difference; As a class teacher I was on 35kpa. DH earns more than 100k more than that. My salary would never, ever catch up!

TBH, I don't see me entering the jobs Market in a major way again (who knows). Mid 40's, no great career behind me, not particularly career minded, moving countries every few years. I will never come close to matching his earning capacity. But who knows? I quite enjoy my life at the moment and consider myself very fortunate.

point of afterschool,summer club etc is to maintain working.obviously
of course a housewife unlikely agree with this provision given they need to justify what it is they do

Im a sahm and i work full time as Im a a childminder. I do it all, makes me proud as hell of myself, I have been sahm and not worked before and I felt like I was always beholden to someone, I love the feeling of being there for my kids, and providing for them too. I also love the fact that I can provide for my kids if anything happened and me and my partner split up, which I definitely do not think will happen or worry about, but it has happened to me before. The problem with having kids school age is that actually its not a massive amount of time from 9 - 3 and when I didnt work I wasted my time piddling around, because lets face it, there was always the next day to do it. In fact, my house was a shit hole and I genuinely did nothing apart from eat too much and wander from room to room making lists and watching shit telly. I was depressed when I didnt work and had no self worth. I dont know how people that dont work say they saw their friends because all of my friends were working!

SM, I don't use terms like home-maker! I'm rubbish at house work. That doesn't change the fact that for me, an important part of mothering them once they started school was the brisk walk there and the slow wind down dack after school when they tell me all about their day etc and we can stop at the park or go for ice-cream.
So, no, I may not be looking after them 9-3 but going back to work would require some form of wraparound care which would deprive me of what is for me an important part of my mothering. Though I freely admit that DS1 who is nearly 8, is starting to need that less.

guess most posters on here who don't work have seriously high earning partners

Nope national average and four children. It's enough if we're careful, it would be less if I worked

I don't feel any need whatsoever to justify what I do! The OP asked why and I've just answered.

I don't expect WOHMs to justify why they work. I assume they either need to financially or want to because they love their jobs. I'm not judgy about their choices, I just make different ones!

Ok - your husbands earn so much more than you do because your life choice facilitates theirs. There is as far as I can see no down side for the husband of a sahm.
For women however, confined to a position of financial dependance, having their skill set eroded, sahming has a significant cost.

I had time at home with my dcs when they were very young. Total of around 3.5 years spread over three occasions. That's done quite enough damage to my career. God willing I will be parenting for the rest of my life. That's an awfullly long time to only focus on one aspect of who I am.

One thing I havent really seen people talk about on this SAHM v WOHM threads is this;

The abilty to handle stress and how it effects our decisions

When I was working FT with just 1 dc I hated my life; the whole family hated the life. Up at 5am, rushing off to childminder, sitting in traffic for hours, get to work to be treated like rubbish, get home do wmore work until 11pm. The house was a mess, we ate rubbish as no time to cook.

I had no time for Dh or my own dc. I was snappy, misreable and exhausted. It was not an good example for my dc. Weekends were catching up with housework.

I personally found the stress intolerable.My life was mere existence.

So I admire women who can handle this stress I really do.

Yet on the other hand Im sure there are women who find SAHM to stressful and the custhy job simply answering a phone now and then brings some sanity. Nothing wrong with that of reduces stress

My point is I suppose is we all have different stress levels, yet we all find different things stressful too.

hey norm! i work in holiday clubs! (or at least i did ) kids play better without being watched by parents so holiday clubs are win win all round and remember kids view them differently to adults

why woukd one assume a womans working is based on partner earning
i work because i want to.irrespective of what dp earns
thats his money,his career
and i wanted to maintain my career and my money.and demonstrate mum working to my children

If you're so happy with your choices, scottishmummy, why do you feel the need to denigrate other women's choices?

SM - awful lot of people seem only able to accept a mother working if it puts bread in her children's mouths. As soon as hubby rakes in enough dosh to keep her in shoes and Waitrose groceries the moral justifucation for working instead of mothering disappears. Of course those of us who work know that we mother too - which is why this argument never makes any sense to us!

That might be true for a lot of kids, but ds is very much his own person and hates the idea of holiday clubs, after school clubs etc. Is one reason why I have been at home so much.

Also my previous job involved lots of unpredictable shifts, would be very hard to go back to it. Dh earns a reasonable amount, but we have to be careful with outgoings. Still think that's worth being able to spend the time with ds though.

Hopefully, when he is older I'll be able to get a job again!

Why does being a SAHM have to erode a skill set?

I have acquired a degree and almost an MA since being here wiht the boys; I am using school time to research starting up for myself to get the business skills I need to compliment everything else to aim for my dream job in a few year's time. It's not a necessary outcome that peple lose skills, if someone is determined.

not denigratin anyone else chiove.am stating obvious if you sahm when kids at school 9-3 you're not enaged in parenting without a dependent child

Maybe that's the difference, Northern; I don't feel at all confined or defined by DH. I don't view it as him having all the fun working whilst I allow this by subjecting myself to the dull life of a SAHM. We are partners doing different parts of the same job. If our careers were reversed our roles probably would be to. DH has absolutely no firm view that women should SAH or that it's my job to support him in his career. I see my job to be there for our kids mainly due to the nature of his job. If he left the house at 8am every morning and was home by 6 then we'd probably both think differently. But in our circumstances, our decision is right for our family.

northernlurker: of course, being a SAHM could be financially risky, but few people, SAHM or not, are truly cushioned from life. I work, but an accident tomorrow could leave me with nothing. I hope and expect that the SAHP on this thread have taken steps to protect themselves as far as they can.

Also, your post implies that work defines people. Well, for some people their paid employment defines (positively) and enriches their life. But not for everyone. Paid work is such a small component of human being.

As I said above, if I were independently wealthy or had a DP willing & able to comfortably support me, I could think of many, many things which I could do which would enrich my life and fulfil me. Endless things. Life is so short and there is so much out there. Only so much I'll be able to do in holidays and retirement!

Oh and it would never occur to me to think that working mums do not parent. That's an odd thing to suggest! But working, at least in my job, would mean missing out on little parts of mothering which I think are crucial to my kids considering our family circumstances.

Also, even when I worked p/t I often had stuff to do at weekends which meant kids stuck in front of the telly if DH was away. Crap for everyone concerned.

9.15 home from school run. Stack/empty dishwasher, tidy up breakfast stuff, put washing out, phone my elderly mum. Drink 3 double espressos and milk while sorting out sittingroom crap.

10am: take dog for one hour walk - takes 15 minutes to get to park.

11.30 shop - do a small shop every day as less food thrown out this way.

12.15 cook proper dinner and put it in fridge

1pm eat lunch while browsing mn

1.30: gardening/DIY

2.30: decide and organise after school activity

3pm: pick up kids. Talk to them instead of
rushing around doing chores.

Also read. Visit my elderly mum twice in a week. Don't know where you guys get time to wirk

so you stretch tasks to fill day
still not parenting or being responsible for childcare if kids absent

see that's nice titty but the 'talk to them instead of doind chores' is a dig isn't it?

so it works both ways

also a hours gardening a day?? do you live at longleat

i guess some mumsnetters do live in large estates and have married into money, like charlotte in satc

My friend who became an SAHM not by choice turned out to be very good at what she did - lots of home baking, helping out relatives with childminding (for free) if they were in a tight spot (often both working parents), gave lifts to friends who needed them, even made her own children's fancy dress and school play costumes! She wasn't idling at home - one DC had very severe asthma requiring frequent hospital treatment with rapid onset attacks - not just the odd cold over winter. As a skilled professional in the service industry, she was informed that if she were to remain in the business, she could not take so much emergency leave and still hold on to her job. No grandparent support available, and her DH often had to work abroad.

And finally, an old friend of mine wanted to go back to work when her children got to school age. But her children and her frail parents persuaded her otherwise, saying they liked having her available for them.

Oh well titty obviously I never talk to my children in order to fit in work.

How is it not parenting to be sorting stuff my child eats, uses, does, needs. Weather they are present or not I'm still parenting. JUST as a WOHM is still parenting while they earn money to pay for childcare, to eat, clothe their family and pay the rent.