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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that I CAN have it all?

223 replies

TransatlanticCityGirl · 21/09/2011 22:27

I was watching The Wright Stuff Extra the other day and once again, the whole "it's just not possible to have it all" topic came up again. Oh Lord....

This debate often leads me to wonder:

Just what exactly do these women define as "having it all"? Have they set their standards to an impossibly high level? And then and only then will they be happy?

How come men never worry about "having it all"? Do they think they already have it? Do they not want it? Or simply that would they rather just watch telly rather than think about it?

I personally think I CAN have it all, and while it may not be a walk in the park, it is not impossible and it doesn't even take an exceptional kind of woman to achieve it either. And in much the same way as money earned is far more rewarding that money won, achieving a happy well-rounded life will be far more rewarding that taking an easier route, e.g. sacrificing either my career or the family I want.

I believe that I can and will have it all. And in fact, I believe I already have it (although I do plan on taking it to the next level when I am ready). There is nothing more at this particular point in my life that I would want. I have an amazing husband, a daughter who brings me joy, a successful career, a lovely home, financial security, good friends and a recipe for the bestest cupcakes ever.

So what's the big deal? Why am I always hearing other women on TV complaining that you just can't have it all?

OP posts:
babynamesgrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 22/09/2011 21:17

Dh is gone 12-13 hours a day. He has a beautiful baby daughter who he sees barely an hour a day while she screams the house down and we get her fed and in bed along with getting other chores done.

I wouldn't say he has it all.

I am home all day with beautiful daughter but have barely any adult contact and struggling. I miss making my own money too.

I don't have it all.

I think when people can work 25-30 hours a week and afford to live on it then we will all be able to have it all.

crazycatlady · 22/09/2011 21:19

thanks CDM Smile

Brynn · 22/09/2011 22:11

Maybe people will ask this question of women less frequently when "Maternity leave" becomes "Parental leave". Isn't it about time?

crazycatlady · 22/09/2011 22:18

Perhaps Brynn. I hope so. It's a stupid question really.

Although the fact that women grow, give birth to and feed children when they are babies is also something that can't be ignored as these are part of the family workload that male partners can't share.

scottishmummy · 22/09/2011 22:20

have it all is a stick to beat women with.i heed it not

WibblyBibble · 22/09/2011 22:23

Well duh. Under the current inegalitarian economic system, it's possible for a minority of people (gender regardless) to 'have it all' and for everyone else to just have a bit of 'it all'. Resource distribution statistics back this up. Hilarious to see people who 'have it all' talking about having cleaners- what gender are your cleaners, out of interest? Noticed any bias there (although women do better academically, so it's not that there are a lot of thick women needing cleaning jobs, it's that women end up doing the crap jobs, even if richer women manage to palm them off onto poorer women sometimes)? I don't 'have it all', and I never will, despite being as academically and intellectually capable as the people who supposedly do, because I don't come from the right background and I didn't have the right luck in relationships or jobs, and because I have ethical principles which prevent me from working for some companies. I do, however, have biscuits, which are far superior to cupcakes. I also don't have any 'friends' who secretly think I'm a smug tosser...

chandellina · 22/09/2011 22:30

I really don't see any hilarity about people having cleaners. Nor do I see a stigma around cleaning - it is honest work and not badly paid

kipperandtiger · 22/09/2011 23:27

Maybe those who wanted to have it all wanted the wrong kind of "all" - unattainable things? There are some careers that are family friendly, others that aren't even friendly to a couple let alone children as well. And for some, family life means being involved with everything, from every playdate to seeing every milestone (not just first day at school, but first time at swimming, first painting done, first steps taken, first time on the bus, etc etc) while for others it means a full time nursery schedule that doesn't get messed up or a reliable nanny/childminder who doesn't cancel without organising some form of back up. If you want to be there at every milestone you are not going to be able to have a busy career. Everyone's situation is different.

kipperandtiger · 22/09/2011 23:34

PS. Also a timely reminder that many women have only been able to "have it all" because of their healthy, enthusiastic and very supportive mothers, mothers-in-law and sometimes both mother plus mother-in-law (!) who have been available to pick up the slack - doing school or nursery pickups, being available for pick up, cuddles and making nutritious soups when a child is ill so that neither mum nor dad have to take emergency leave from work. And also the fathers and fathers in law who are enthusiastic about babysitting and entertaining kids tirelessly so that parents can have a bit of "me time" to recharge their batteries. Three cheers for supportive grandmothers and grandfathers every where!

scottishmummy · 22/09/2011 23:36

not necessarily.working pays the nursery bills.it makes sense for some women to earn

donthateme · 23/09/2011 06:32

Completely agree chandellina about the cleaner issue. I don't employ a cleaner now, but a while back a cleaner worked for us who was a very capable graduate. Her idea of hell would have been being out of the house 7 am to 6 pm like me. She wanted work which would fit around the courses she wanted to do (she did lots of arty stuff and writing) and she wanted a no pressure job. I paid her £10 per hour (and this was a while back). She had a number of cleaning jobs and she felt that she had a great work life balance. My 'all'' would have been her nightmare and vice versa.

Ditto when I used a childminder. Lovely intelligent graduate who wanted to be at home full time with her ds but wanted to be able to earn. Not some downtrodden woman with no choice. It's also worth noting that when she had my child plus another mindee, she had more disposable income than I did, as she was doing the only job its possible to do without using childcare. So its worth remembering that these aren't all poor downtrodden women.

BelleDameSansMerci · 23/09/2011 06:49

WibblyBibble your comment about 'palming off' appears to speak volumes and is odd. Do you regard anyone using the services of a cleaner/gardener/painter and decorator as "palming off" work they could do themselves or is it just reserved for housework ie are you just judging other women?

Xenia · 23/09/2011 06:59

The basic point is that men and women can work full time and have children particularyl if they don't have a sexist other half. The rest doesn't really matter.

The other issues being raised are not really relevant to the point. I agree that the more we have parental rights (bar the 6 weeks on 90% pay women get which does rightly reflect the fact women give birth; and the rest of maternity leave is so badly paid it's per week about half an hour of what I'm paid and is not material) the less discrimination there will be. Also the more women when they meet a man talk in advance about who will care for it, ensure before they are pregnant their husband knows he will also be looking for nannies or nurseries and have to adapt his working day to get home on time on a fair basis and the more women who marry men who earn less than them the less there will be inequialities between men and women.

The fact men and women subcontract some of the work they need to people of either sex is neither here nor there. YOu might need accountancy, plumbing, child care, dry cleaning and a heap of services. Unoless you're a communist you generally don't object to the principle tha tlabour is available to hire. Those who are bright and do well will end up being paid for the labour more than others. Some like housewives and househusbands will be unpaid for their efforts.

donthateme · 23/09/2011 07:00

Very well put belledame. I don't consider I am palming off when my car goes off to the mechanic along the road for a service. I don't have the time or inclination to do it myself (even though between us dh and I could carry out a routine service) and anyway, our mechanic does a great job and enjoys being able to earn a living doing it

I just find it rather ironic that many posts on here are saying that peoples idea of having it all varies widely, and that some women don't want careers or to be working full-time, or to have a job which requires long fixed hours. And then in 'the next breath someone is berating women for providing the sort of jobs which ARE flexible, low pressure and pretty well paid. Cleaners where I am are paid around £12 an hour I believe. They can work flexibly, they can fit around school (which many women on here say they want) and when you go home you leave the job behind you. It ENABLES some womens idea of 'having it all'.

BelleDameSansMerci · 23/09/2011 07:12

I can remember being stunned at how little SMP was per week - not that I expected it to be much.

I have chosen to do things the hard way (as ever). Am single parent, work full time, live hundreds of miles from family, etc. I had a gardener and cleaner before I had a child - I certainly wouldn't choose to do without them now. I don't 'have it all' but I have as much as I can get at present.

emmyloo2 · 23/09/2011 07:21

Chandellina - totally agree with your post. You sound just like me!

marriedinwhite · 23/09/2011 07:22

OP - I hope a curve ball never hits you. In 1994 we had it all, huge house, two good careers, I had negotiated part-time when DS1 came along. Nobody told us DS might have serious respiratory difficulties for the first 18 months; we had so much and had led such blessed lives we didn't expect to have five pgs to achieve two children; I certainly didn't at that time expect to be a SAHM for 8 years because our children turned into a hard fought privilege rather than a right.

Yes, we have everything, we still have the huge house, DH earns shed loads, DS and DD are an utter joy to us even at 16 and 13, I even have a second, professional career and can honestly say that I can have anything I want. But we don't have the house full of children that we wanted and we never had the joy associated with being pg and looking forward to successful birth - only fear.

I am undeniably happy with our lives and so is DH but, no, even though we have been exceptionally blessed and are very privileged we don't have everything.

donthateme · 23/09/2011 07:29

The op has one child.
None of us know whether shes had miscarriages, fertility issues, or whether she will be able to have more.
Let's not assume anything. Anyone can get a curve ball anytime. I just read it that the op is grateful 'for what she has, and is a glass half full person

Alouiseg · 23/09/2011 07:41

I've got it all, I'm in bed with a cup of tea while Dh makes the boys bacon and eggs for breakfast.

That'll do for today :o. [easily pleased]

emmyloo2 · 23/09/2011 07:46

What annoys me about this post is the number of posts which have the underlying message that if you work full-time as a mother you are somehow doing wrong by your child. It is just utter crap. No one ever judges a man for working full-time with young children. Ever. But god forbid you are a woman who finds staying at home all day mind numbingly boring, particularly when you spent 7 years at university training to do a job you happen to be quite skilled at and pays well. Why are men entitled to carry on with their careers without a backward glance while women who work full-time are somehow greedy because "they want it all". And while I don't have an issue with women staying home with children and not working, why do you all seem to want to judge those of us that have careers? Is it jealously? Or an underlying feeling of inadequacy because we have careers and you don't? I don't mean this in a nasty way but it just pisses me off to no end. I stayed home with my DS until he was 3.5 months old and that was well and truly enough for me. My DH also said if he had to stay home he would be bored out of his brain. But he gets to carry out with no judgment at all. Do the SAHM judge their husbands for working full-time?

BelleDameSansMerci · 23/09/2011 08:07

emmylou - the odd thing is that, IME, when I meet other mothers we don't seem to judge each other. My DD's nursery/school has a real mix of parents - some very affluent, middle ones (like me) and others who are less well off. Some mothers choose to work, some have to, others can't afford to but we're all supportive of each other. No-one appears to be judging anyone. I only really encounter the judging on here or in the media. Admittedly, though, I expect it's fairly obvious I'd respond to any RL comment with some vigour...

Chestnutx3 · 23/09/2011 08:31

I would not want the relationship that my DH has with my children and thats solely because he works 5 days a week. He does his best but I have a much closer relationship with my DC because I have been with them so much. A nanny could have taken my place, but my place would have been very much taken.

emmyloo2 · 23/09/2011 08:36

Chestnut - are you implying my nanny or my mother or MIL has somehow replaced me, as the mother to my DS? Have they also replaced by DH as father? My DH and I have an equally close relationship to my DS and I don't need to be at home all day with him 5 days a week to have a relationship with him.

emmyloo2 · 23/09/2011 08:42

I wonder Belle whether that is because on here, people say what they really think and they get to play out their own infrustrations and inadequacies whereas they wouldn't dare do that in RL? I hope that is not the case. I don't feel much judgment in RL to be honest except from well meaning colleagues who wonder who is looking after my DS and order me to stop working late so I can go home and "look after my baby".....but they mean well so I don't take offence to that.

Chestnutx3 · 23/09/2011 09:01

emyloo - I am not saying you don't have a relationship with your DC but it is different as he has other carers. My DH has a relationship with my DC but a different one than mine and I wouldn't want to have the relationship he has with them and its purely that I spend more time with them. He comes home as early as he can but I am still the main carer. My DH did volunteer to stay at home instead of me, but he loves his job plus its much more stable than mine.