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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that I CAN have it all?

223 replies

TransatlanticCityGirl · 21/09/2011 22:27

I was watching The Wright Stuff Extra the other day and once again, the whole "it's just not possible to have it all" topic came up again. Oh Lord....

This debate often leads me to wonder:

Just what exactly do these women define as "having it all"? Have they set their standards to an impossibly high level? And then and only then will they be happy?

How come men never worry about "having it all"? Do they think they already have it? Do they not want it? Or simply that would they rather just watch telly rather than think about it?

I personally think I CAN have it all, and while it may not be a walk in the park, it is not impossible and it doesn't even take an exceptional kind of woman to achieve it either. And in much the same way as money earned is far more rewarding that money won, achieving a happy well-rounded life will be far more rewarding that taking an easier route, e.g. sacrificing either my career or the family I want.

I believe that I can and will have it all. And in fact, I believe I already have it (although I do plan on taking it to the next level when I am ready). There is nothing more at this particular point in my life that I would want. I have an amazing husband, a daughter who brings me joy, a successful career, a lovely home, financial security, good friends and a recipe for the bestest cupcakes ever.

So what's the big deal? Why am I always hearing other women on TV complaining that you just can't have it all?

OP posts:
hatebeingmummy · 22/09/2011 12:47

Brilliant post Kelly.

I'm really annoyed about the film because i love SJP.

bugster · 22/09/2011 12:49

Xenia, children don't always benefit from both parents working, it isn't win-win. Most children (at least young ones) would rather be home with a parent, or at least doing sometging they chose to do, rather than in a childcare situation about which they have no choice. when I was young I always wanted my mother to be at home, was delighted on the rare occasions when I was ill and she was able to take a day off work to be at home with me. You are deluding yourself if you think 2 full time working parents is so fabulous for children.

Stoirin · 22/09/2011 12:49

Of course you can't have it all. But then very few people want it all, do they. You pay your money and you take your choice.

hatebeingmummy · 22/09/2011 12:54

bugster some children are much better off with working aprents. I'm rubbish at playing so my DD much better to go off to her childminder where her friends are and where there is a big garden and an adult who adores the company of children, and spend a few hours with me of an evening plus weekends.
It depends on the parents. I'm sure if you asked children whether they'd prefer to be at home with mum or in child care that the overwhelming majority of them would say the former, but children aren't aware of what is best for them.

It's like saying children would prefer to eat sweets for every meal... well, of course they would.

whatsfordinnerthen · 22/09/2011 12:59

I like the saying "you can have it all but not necessarily all at the same time" I'm not sure who said it but wise words.

Ilovedaintynuts · 22/09/2011 13:08

I suppose I have it all but I'm so bloody knackered I can hardly enjoy it.

bugster · 22/09/2011 13:09

Hatebeingmummy, it's great if the kids spend time in activities they enjoy, and of course need some time apart from mummy as they get older, social interaction is really important of course. But they do not need it 40 hours a week and are not better off in that situation. Don't agree with the sweet analogy I'm afraid. We limit their sweets brcause we know they are bad for them, that is the only reason. People don't put their kids in childcare for an entire working week because they think it is good for them. They do it because it suits them, and perhaps assuage their guilt by trying to find a benefit for the children.

Ophuchi · 22/09/2011 13:11

I personally believe that I couldn't have continued working (succesful career in a male-dominated industry) and done my best job as a mother.

Becoming a stay-at-home mum was the best choice for me and our family. Others feel differently. Live and let live.

This housewife also has an IQ which far exceeds the national average :)

hackmum · 22/09/2011 13:13

"Hackmum I find it quite offensive of you to suggest that any couple where both have successful careers are sacrificing their kids in some way."

What I wrote was (I thought) quite mild. I guess you're one of those people who just enjoys being offended, in which case, be my guest.

Proudnscary · 22/09/2011 13:19

Oh hurrah another SAHM vs Working mums thread

Ormirian · 22/09/2011 13:20

Well you're not having mine.

Ormirian · 22/09/2011 13:21

In fact, if you do have it all, can I have some please?

takethatlady · 22/09/2011 13:21

I too don't get what the fuss is and think the terms of the debate are outdated and not very useful. I'm not actually trying to 'have it all' by working and taking care of my beautiful little daughter. What does that even mean anyway? I certainly don't care about having lots of money - we don't 'have it all' in terms of big house/car/lots of holidays or anything like that, which many women who stay at home do have. Those women may define themselves as 'having it all', at least they might if they are happy. In fact I do have it all, but not because I (have to/want to) go to work! I have it all because if World War 3 broke out and the world was reduced to rubble, if me, DH and our DD could be together living in the ruins we'd still 'have it all' because all we want is to be together. We go to work to facilitate being together, being safe, and having food and heating! Matthew Wright is a bloody idiot and should be ignored at all times :)

wordfactory · 22/09/2011 13:22

If having it all means having a career and and family life that you are happy with, then this is as much about an individual's mindset as it is the actual logistics.

One person may be very content to wotk part time, another may feel utterly unfullfilled with that type of position. One person my want to be with their DC 24/7 another may feel happy to employ a nanny.

When poeple say you can't have it all, what they mean is that they can't. That they wouldn't be comfortable with the balance. But that is not the same as it being a universal truth.

takethatlady · 22/09/2011 13:23

PS - I'm certainly not saying that stay-at-home mums 'have it all' because they've got money (just realised it might read like that). I think every single family (not every single woman, but every single family) makes the decision that works best for them, and 'having it all' doesn't come into it! And it's nobody else's bloody business which members of the household work and which members don't, or who does what chores, etc.

Quenelle · 22/09/2011 13:27

Ormirian I have it all. In fact I think I may have inadvertently picked some of yours up. Sorry about that.

sieglinde · 22/09/2011 13:28

Tu quoque, hackmum. Enjoy the dudgeon.

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 22/09/2011 13:31

I'm having none of it!

hackmum · 22/09/2011 13:32

No dudgeon here, sieglinde. Sorry to disappoint you.

kerala · 22/09/2011 13:41

Well said takethatlady. Maintaining that your choices are superior and those that make different ones are "wrong" is moronic - this wohm/sahm debate now bloody boring and pointless what's right for one family won't be for another. Don't see this divide in real life I have mum friends who are sahm and full time partners in law firms no one cares except possibly those who are tediously insecure about their choices and frankly who would want to be friends with them anyway.

wordfactory · 22/09/2011 13:42

See I think much f the problem arises in people, women especially, not recognising that they are imposing their own feelings on others.

So someone will give up work to become a SAHM because they felt unhappy with their work life balance. Now that is entirely personal and has no bearing whatsoever on anyone elses life or situation. The decision to give up work to be happier is entirely descrete.

But some won't accept that. They transfer their own very personal feelings onto the situation of others. They start couching that decision in terms of moral right and wrongs They assume anyone who doesn't feel as they do is somehow lacking as opposed to different. And from this we get that it's impossible for any woman to have it all and that every woman who tries must actually be unhappy.

iliketherain · 22/09/2011 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

hackmum · 22/09/2011 14:00

@iliketherain - oh, Xenia is supermother! That makes sense.

iliketherain · 22/09/2011 14:03

She is not IMO, She is paying someone else to do that...smile

hackmum · 22/09/2011 14:08

@wordfactory: "So someone will give up work to become a SAHM because they felt unhappy with their work life balance. Now that is entirely personal and has no bearing whatsoever on anyone elses life or situation."

Don't think that's true. I think many SAHMs make their choice because they believe it is beneficial for children to have a full-time parent around to take care of them. Obviously there are plenty of people who will argue that children don't need a full-time parent around and that children do just as well with nurseries, childminders and nannies. The reason this whole issue is so contentious is precisely because it's not just a matter of individual preferences, it's about a much broader principle of what's best for children. And people will (and do) argue about that till the cows come home.

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