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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think that I CAN have it all?

223 replies

TransatlanticCityGirl · 21/09/2011 22:27

I was watching The Wright Stuff Extra the other day and once again, the whole "it's just not possible to have it all" topic came up again. Oh Lord....

This debate often leads me to wonder:

Just what exactly do these women define as "having it all"? Have they set their standards to an impossibly high level? And then and only then will they be happy?

How come men never worry about "having it all"? Do they think they already have it? Do they not want it? Or simply that would they rather just watch telly rather than think about it?

I personally think I CAN have it all, and while it may not be a walk in the park, it is not impossible and it doesn't even take an exceptional kind of woman to achieve it either. And in much the same way as money earned is far more rewarding that money won, achieving a happy well-rounded life will be far more rewarding that taking an easier route, e.g. sacrificing either my career or the family I want.

I believe that I can and will have it all. And in fact, I believe I already have it (although I do plan on taking it to the next level when I am ready). There is nothing more at this particular point in my life that I would want. I have an amazing husband, a daughter who brings me joy, a successful career, a lovely home, financial security, good friends and a recipe for the bestest cupcakes ever.

So what's the big deal? Why am I always hearing other women on TV complaining that you just can't have it all?

OP posts:
Xenia · 22/09/2011 17:55

The important point is that the you cannot have it all comment is never ever every made just at women. It is made as much of the time at men. When we get to that point fine but we are nothing like near it here.

parents have always worked. In the Victorian age you'd be in factories and your children might be looked after by siblings if they were lucky. In the countryside most children under 5 used to die of course and plenty of their child care was definitely note mother 24/7. Babies were left with siblings or sent out for 5 years to wet nurses etc etc. In other words tehre is am yth that women have never worked until now which we need to lay bare as the falsity that it is.

sieglinde · 22/09/2011 18:04

Why would I be disappointed, hack? I'm not keen to pick a fight or to upset anyone.

Trouble is that all of us make choices without knowing how they will turn out. We don;t know how well/ill/high-need our dcs and indeed dhs will be, or how demanding our employers will be. Equally, as WOHMs or SAHM, we can't know in advance how we will feel about those things.

Can we even tell in retrospect? Frankly, my own mother would have been much happier and saner if she had gone out to work - she loathed being a suburban mum, hated physical contact with children, and felt seriously depressed most of the time. It was fairly hellish, as we knew we couldn't help her/fix her. However, who knows if my life would now be better or worse if she had gone out to work? We were well off, and she supported me hugely in every way she could.

And I might have been happier if I didn't go out to work. But now we have the mortgage, and we have the bills, largely generated by the schoolfees. Who knows if my dcs would also be better off if I didn't work? They would have had a different education, for sure, and they would be living in a smaller house, and they would have been to fewer places. Who can say whether my memory of ds1 playing in the snow in Central Park is worth more, or less, to HIM than memories of times he might have liked me to be there for longer... substitute cello lessons or dd in the Musee D'Orsay carefully drawing her own copy of a Monet.

ChineapplePunk · 22/09/2011 18:05

The question of "having it all" would never have to be asked if we lived in a world where it wasn't assumed by most societies that the responsibility of childcare lay squarely with women. I am sure most, if not all, of the people on this thread agree that it should be 50:50 (in a two parent situ of course). We have indeed come a long way in many areas, but there is still a hell of a long way to go. In an ideal world and all that......

Xenia · 22/09/2011 18:15

Yes, Ch and that is what saddened me about the having it all film - it ended with the woman giving up work. It's message was women can't work and have chidlren but men can which is a load of rubbish and totally at odds with the reality of lives today and in the past but is suits the agendas of many people to peddle this myth and it behoves those of us who have consistently worked very happily for 25 + years with large families and lovely lives to make it clear we are out there having fun with very happy children and nice lives.

Aniela111 · 22/09/2011 18:16

I have it ALL! that is only because i am very positive,grateful and easy to please person. We are expecting our first baby, i am a housewife. I have a big house, lots of lovely animals,I have an amazing caring husband, who will always make sure we have it all and beoyond financially.
so yes, i have it all, and i think even when things won't be HAppy Happy i will still be grateful for what i have.

chandellina · 22/09/2011 18:28

I don't understand why Allison Pearson wrote this terrible book or why SJP wanted to make it a film.

ChineapplePunk · 22/09/2011 18:38

Allison Pearson is a vile individual.

CDMforever · 22/09/2011 19:33

For me "having it all" hasn't proven to be working full time or being a SAHM.

I know I would be unhappy working full time but I have also been very unhappy as a SAHM.

For me, I now Have It All as I work part time (in a job I love), have 3 stupendous children, a loving husband, gorgeous family and friends, not too many money worries. Life is Sweet.....

sieglinde · 22/09/2011 19:36

Ch, because of money. However much you have, a bit more never hurts. I can't see that writing a bestseller is vile, by the way. Readers make it one.

CDMforever · 22/09/2011 19:41

PS i was wondering why SJP has done the film...presumably she's an incredibly busy working mum??

lucysmum · 22/09/2011 19:49

I guess I did 'have it all' - high power job, big salary, 2 kids, pregnant with no 3. But it took a miscarriage for me to realise that something had to give - I was permanently exhausted, stressed and guilty. So I chucked in the job (was lucky to be able to afford to) and now feel I 'have it all' - but on my terms. So I do think for a lot of people it is difficult to have a family and great career and feel good about it.

suzydelarosa · 22/09/2011 19:52

I really don't think it's possible to have it all and certain life changes make it even more tricky. I stay in Edinburgh and was recently offered dream job in Birmingham. I had to think long and hard though - recently divorced and with a 5 year old, I was going to be moving to an area with no friends or family (ergo no family support) and having to up sticks, move and take on a demanding full time job all by myself with a 5 year old in tow. I could have probably made it work, but probably would have been super-stressed, lonely although with a nice business card!

Painful decision but I turned it down. It's hard when your career dreams get scuppered by reality. Having it all is virtually impossible when you're a single mom.

ChineapplePunk · 22/09/2011 20:22

Allison Pearson isn't vile because she wrote a best seller. She is vile because she is a hypocritical, religiously motivated, right-wing, reactionary densoid.

portiamab · 22/09/2011 20:24

I did have it all family, career, house, husband etc unfortunately husband decided that he wanted to have it all with someone else and left. Then when the house and husband went and I was left with child and no money then I found that "having it all" meant very little and the most important thing was being with her and finding my own little joys. DD is now grown up and I have a DB with someone that I share it all with - so I don't want to have it all, I want to share it

CDMforever · 22/09/2011 20:25

Great post portia

ExpatAgain · 22/09/2011 20:40

agree, Suzy (are you SAfrican, by the way?)

Chinapple, "vile" seems a little harsh and what's that about her religion, hadn't heard anything in particular. I also greatly enjoyed the book, admittedly a few yrs ago during my own baby phase, it may have been of its moment to some extent but still has some valid points to make

OP - I genuinely wish I'd had your maturity/luck/judgement at various milestones in my life, well done you. I guess many of us live with significant regrets/losses and find it hard to reconcile that seeming injustice with being told we can/should have it all

Iamjustthemilkmachine · 22/09/2011 20:42

beautiful post portia.

ExpatAgain · 22/09/2011 20:42

Xenia, I know we've all been here before but please, so many women DO give up/feel they have to give up/have to give up (delete as you please) work, that IS the reality for so many women still

scottishmummy · 22/09/2011 20:58

i work ft,i love my kids and dp its all gone to plan.and i had all this meticulously worked out.ive never had any dilemma or wobble. have it all is a stick to beat and berate women with

scottishmummy · 22/09/2011 21:05

fwiw,tried reading pearson book yrs ago.indulgent tosh
i hate that faux gosh its hard tripe about norf london chatterrati gurning about nanny and work-life balance inadequacies - really found it unreadable

Xenia · 22/09/2011 21:08

Plenty of women and men work full time and have children. Obnviously the failures come on these threads and say oh woe is me ,. I failed at it due to my personal incompetence or stupidity in marrying a sexist man or because I was never up to much at work or I am bad at managing my time and therefore they think all other parents cannot work and have children but that is just because of their own failure. Let us not sully the vast numbers of successful working men and women with that failure.

I do think a lot of people male and female find life hard to cope with and plenty of men can't cope either, run away, go on drugs, give up work. it is just how it is but most people manage work and their families absoultely fine.

There is a real problem with silly womlen who pick sexist men who heap domestic stuff on them even though both work full time but that's clearly for those couples to sort out and if you tolerate sexism then you are going to get more and more of it from your other half.

crazycatlady · 22/09/2011 21:13

DH and I used to 'have it all' along the lines of Xenia's description of a good balance of careers and family.

Then life threw us a curveball. DS arrived. He has special needs but is as yet undiagnosed. He needs daily physiotherapy and is going through a lot of testing at the hospital which a parent has to be present for. Right now, there isn't time for both DH and I to work, look after DD and manage DS's needs.

We chose that I would stop work to look after DS. Reasons being that:

a) DH has a solid, well paid career with good benefits and I worked for myself with sporadic income
b) I am breastfeeding. DH can't really do this!

Things may change in the future but, right now, for me it is not possible to 'have it all' by the conventional description. DS has changed our perspective on life though. We are quitting the rat race and moving to Cornwall with family. That is our new definition of 'having it all' and I like it rather a lot.

ChineapplePunk · 22/09/2011 21:15

Expat, the vast majority of articles she has written for the Telegraph pay testament to her vileness, as well as her Islamophobia, her working-classophobia, and internalised misogyny. .

Whorulestheroost · 22/09/2011 21:15

I agree that the phrase having it all is subjective. If you are talking about having a career and raising children then I don't want it all! I would be quite satisfied having a husband with large earnings and being a sahm. Now that, to me would be having it all :)

CDMforever · 22/09/2011 21:17

Good luck to you and yours crazy.

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