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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that I CAN have it all?

223 replies

TransatlanticCityGirl · 21/09/2011 22:27

I was watching The Wright Stuff Extra the other day and once again, the whole "it's just not possible to have it all" topic came up again. Oh Lord....

This debate often leads me to wonder:

Just what exactly do these women define as "having it all"? Have they set their standards to an impossibly high level? And then and only then will they be happy?

How come men never worry about "having it all"? Do they think they already have it? Do they not want it? Or simply that would they rather just watch telly rather than think about it?

I personally think I CAN have it all, and while it may not be a walk in the park, it is not impossible and it doesn't even take an exceptional kind of woman to achieve it either. And in much the same way as money earned is far more rewarding that money won, achieving a happy well-rounded life will be far more rewarding that taking an easier route, e.g. sacrificing either my career or the family I want.

I believe that I can and will have it all. And in fact, I believe I already have it (although I do plan on taking it to the next level when I am ready). There is nothing more at this particular point in my life that I would want. I have an amazing husband, a daughter who brings me joy, a successful career, a lovely home, financial security, good friends and a recipe for the bestest cupcakes ever.

So what's the big deal? Why am I always hearing other women on TV complaining that you just can't have it all?

OP posts:
iliketherain · 22/09/2011 08:18

You said it.

You WORK from HOME..........Again Work first.

AvaLafff · 22/09/2011 08:20

if YOU have it all, i.e. what YOU want, someone else must get less - stands to reason

usually the poor kids :)

iliketherain · 22/09/2011 08:21

AVALAFFF............Spot on!

NinkyNonker · 22/09/2011 08:22

Depends what you want. I have everything I want, and I don't work at the moment. So yes, I can have it all.

iliketherain · 22/09/2011 08:25

I have it all too.

I am off to do the school run now and meet my boring pals.........then off to work for four hours then walking the dog and meeting up with oh and off shopping.

its a tough life!

Robotindisguise · 22/09/2011 08:26

Oh don't be silly iliketherain how else would she have phrased it? I don't always agree with Xenia (mostly because I don't think it's as easy as she states to earn a six figure salary!) but you're being very rude (especially about her cleaner whom I'm sure is charming)

NinkyNonker · 22/09/2011 08:31

I have worked at a high level and will do again.

I wouldn't have joined in if I had seen Xenia was here as I always read her "clever people have to work", "successful people only want to marry successful people" speil and start seeing red. I know you are very successful Xenia but for all your talk of empowerment you actually only mean empowered to make the same decisions you did. Anything else is to be sneered at, or be the butt of snide comments such as the above.

My husband (a respected, high powered aerospace engineer) respects little old me (previously the only female board member in a very make dominated firm/industry) despite the fact I don't work at the moment. Oh the horror! Grin

Anyway, I meant to add earlier that the worst thing about that cliche is that it assumes everyone wants the same thing. Those who don't have it and/or don't want it don't fit.

bananamam · 22/09/2011 08:33

One persons "all" is another persons nightmare.

I utterly have my "all" and it changes all the time!

I don't measure my life by career, success, money and a house.

I measure it by the people around me, their happiness and mine. So far so good Grin

Crikey that sounds as smug as the OP!!! Blush gonna give myself a Biscuit and run!

KSal · 22/09/2011 08:33

iliketherain I think you are missing the main point of Xenia's post.... I would think a huge number of women have to work, Xenia correctly points out that if you earn more, life is easier as a mother than if you don't... that much is obvious no?

Have you ever considered that the right way for you is not the right way for another? horses for courses and all that?

Clearly I come from the pov of a working mother, but I am lucky to be in a position that I can afford decent childcare (where my children thrive), and i have some left over for us to enjoy. And whichever way you spin it, my children are NOT being "brought up by someone else" I feared this when I first started sending my youngest to nursery... but its patently not the case. That is down to me and DH. Guilt is something every mother feels but you may be surprised to find I don't feel it about childcare and work.

re having it all... it is subjective. I feel like I have a lot, but I think the thing that gets lost in amongst kids, work, home is myself.... I have been feeling lately that I am losing a sense of who I am independent of all the roles I have. Time is the problem here and I think that is universal to all mums.... if I worked less, then all the hours the kids were awake would still be spent being mum or being at work.... still no me time. the evenings when the kids are in bed are remarkably short. To have it all I reckon a day a month to myself would probably do it....

Oh and the reason that all this seems to work is because me and my DH are pretty close to an equal partnership. Equal pay grades between us helps this because both incomes are as important as the other...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/09/2011 08:38

YY StillSquiffy, way back there, absolutely!

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 22/09/2011 09:07

I agree with whoever said that it's a whole different ball game when you have 2 or more kids. When DD1 was small I kind of did have it all- husband, daughter, worked 3 days a week in a career I enjoyed. When DD2 came along I quit working as, like it or not, the cost of childcare was more than my income and despite any feminist principles about how childcare should come out of both salaries the simple economic fact was as a family we could not afford to pay for me to go to work.

Now that DD2 is 15 months I have found a part time job that I really enjoy, but the catch is I have to work weekends. It is the only way I can actually make any money. So I would say my kids now do have it all as they have mum at home most weekdays, and quality time with dad at weekends, and we have more money as a family. The only people who definitely don't have it all are me and DH as we never bloody see each other!

But that's modern life for you, we all find the compromise that we can live with.

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 22/09/2011 09:07

I agree with whoever said that it's a whole different ball game when you have 2 or more kids. When DD1 was small I kind of did have it all- husband, daughter, worked 3 days a week in a career I enjoyed. When DD2 came along I quit working as, like it or not, the cost of childcare was more than my income and despite any feminist principles about how childcare should come out of both salaries the simple economic fact was as a family we could not afford to pay for me to go to work.

Now that DD2 is 15 months I have found a part time job that I really enjoy, but the catch is I have to work weekends. It is the only way I can actually make any money. So I would say my kids now do have it all as they have mum at home most weekdays, and quality time with dad at weekends, and we have more money as a family. The only people who definitely don't have it all are me and DH as we never bloody see each other!

But that's modern life for you, we all find the compromise that we can live with.

lesley33 · 22/09/2011 09:14

I think it depends as well on the career you have. I enjoy my job and it is reasonably paid, but I am not expected to work lots of extra hours.

In careers where people are expected to work very long hours in order to advance up, then most people, men and women, struggle to have it all. Just because at times there is not much time spent not at work to really do anything.

TandB · 22/09/2011 09:19

No, I don't think you can have it "all" and I think the people who feel that they have to try often end up unfulfilled and resentful because their expectations are unrealistic due to always looking at the parts of other people's lives that they want and don't have.

However, I do think that, all things being equal, you can achieve a work/family/financial/leisure/whatever it is that floats your boat balance that makes you content.

I have a pretty reasonable balance in my life, but it would be nice to have a little more money. That isn't achievable at the moment but might be a little further down the line if things stay on track. I also have a couple of personal ambitions that I am working on, but which are unlikely to bear fruit until this next baby is at least a few months old. So I don't have it "all" but I am OK with what I do have.

Oh and Iliketherain? Bog off with your poor children raised by someone else bollocks. You may have intended that as a dig at a specific poster (not that I see what Xenia said that was so dreadful) but there are plenty of us on here who work full-time and your comments are rude and more than a bit banal.

hatebeingmummy · 22/09/2011 09:25

What is "it"? Do I have it? Do I have all of it, or just some?

And is one person's "all" the same as another person's? The point about men is valid too... if "having it all" simply means having a career, a tidy house and happy children... then most men do indeed have "it"
Therefore to claim that women can't also have "it" doesn't seem fair...

dreamingbohemian · 22/09/2011 09:26

I think you are BU a bit, in not emphasising more the role of financial security.

DH and I are low-income and recently moved from London to a much more inexpensive area of France. Our quality of life and overall work-life balance has improved by about a hundred, simply because we are no longer struggling to pay the rent every month, we can afford childcare and better food, etc.

Just that little extra money every month has taken me from 'oh god, how will we manage' to 'hey life is pretty great!'

So even to the extent that it's all about attitude, I think money helps a lot.

AlpinePony · 22/09/2011 09:31

Seriously? Are some of you suggesting that Xenia's children lose out because she pays someone else to get the dust out from the back of the freezer? Confused

hatebeingmummy · 22/09/2011 09:34

The attack on Xenia was a bit uncalled for. so Xenia is working and you are working for 4 hours, then walking the dog and then shopping with your other half.. are your kids better off than hers because you are doing "fun" things while Xenia is doing work?
I think Xenia has, like, 5 kids or something and their all doing just fine as far as we know.

WilsonFrickett · 22/09/2011 09:41

When having it all turns into doing it all is where the problems start

Yes, yes, yes a million times!

RumourOfAHurricane · 22/09/2011 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

chandellina · 22/09/2011 09:45

I totally agree with Xenia. Having it all to me means having a wonderful career I love, a husband who I love, fancy and who pulls his weight, a fantastic nanny, help from my mother in law, and enough time with my son to feel we have a great connection but I'm not his servant.

I always thought I'd make a great father, because I hate the drudgery women often get stuck with in raising children, and the expectation they will make all the compromises.

i nervously became a mother and found there ARE ways to make things work. yes money helps and I appreciate having it every single day.

A good employer who appreciates your abilities is also hugely important. I could make far more money elsewhere but my employer is totally supportive, willing to promote me on my terms and to generally provide me with the flexibility to excel at my job and still get home in time to relieve our nanny.

elastamum · 22/09/2011 09:51

I think you have to make choices and decide what's important to you. I had a very senior job in a blue chip company for years before my children were born. Then I ran a company with my ex for a few years before divorcing.

I'm now a lone parent and a consultant, which means I can work from home (like today), take my children to school most days and be around more for them. I do miss the excitement of running a big company and I certainly miss the money, but I could'nt go back to a job similar my old role as it would mean my almost teenage children being bought up by my au pair.

OK I earn a lot but I wouldnt say I am wealthy as I pay staff to do the jobs I dont do, like gardening, cleaning, ironing, helping with the children and walking the dogs when I am working. I drive an old car and worry about fixing the roof before winter and paying their school fees.

But my children certainly arent being bought up by someone else. And we are all pretty happy here.

whiskeylover · 22/09/2011 10:53

i think it is ALL BOLLOCKS.
we all have different ideals, goals and thoughts. and we all have different family set ups and needs.
my 'all' is enought money to pay the bills, have food on the table and healthy kids and family.
to another it might be being a high flyer, 2 holidays a yr and no kids.
to another its making the best cupcakes, home educating and having 4 kids.
we can have our version of it all. but thats not the only way.
the reason men dont have this conversation is that men dont compete with other men the way women do. they do their thing, they want to be the best but they dont sit and bitch about the other dad in the room not doing the swimming lessons or not being a hot dad. they dont compete with every other dad or judge themselves the way women do.
women should be less concerned with how they look to other women and more concerned in making themselves happy with out trying to justify it.

Xenia · 22/09/2011 10:56

I agree with ch. Many many women and men enjoy h aving families and full time work. It is much harder if you are silly enough to tolerate sexism at home so that you 're workign and doing all the home stuff. More fool you I'd say. Throw him the tea towel and put your feet up.

However no one has ever said life itself is easy or that we all have a right to x amounts of time free of work, home and children.

Working fathers and mothers bring up their own children. Only someone with the IQ of a housewife is going to suggest otherwise.

aldiwhore · 22/09/2011 10:59

I think it depends on what your own personal 'all' is.

I like the phrase "Sometimes you just can't have it all right now" but that's very different to the "You can't have it all".

My life will hopefully be along journey, during which time at one point or other I will have it all! Part of my 'all' could be time to reflect, and that can be alsmot impossible to fit in when the other part of my 'all' could be to be so busy I'm dizzy.

Sweeping statements and sayings rarely fit everyone all the time, my mother loves sayings and is therefore stuck in a loop of annoying me at every turn "too many cooks spoil the broth" could be "many hands make light work" depending on how well I'm doing something in her eyes.

I don't have all the things I want right now, but I'm still very lucky in that what I DO have is pretty damn great.