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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH wants to take DDs abroad for 8 - 12 weeks, I can't go for that long. AIBU to hate the idea?

134 replies

Hadeda · 20/09/2011 11:27

Pretty much that. (Sorry a bit long, but wanted to set it all out rather than drip feed.)

My DDs will be just 4 and 2.5 at the time. He wants to go to visit family in South Africa (we're both from there) before DD1 starts school and we are "tied down". But I won't be able to get more than about 3 weeks leave max.

He plans to get his mum to help a bit with looking after the girls and also wants to put them into nursery for mornings only because he'd like to be able to go see friends, go surfing etc while there. And it's unfair to ask his parents to look after them all the time if he's not around. I've said that I have to be 100% happy with the nursery (they are less regulated there, plus his parents live in an area where few people speak English so I want to be quite sure it is truly dual medium at least as my girls don't speak any other language) and DH is fine with that.

DD2 has never been to nursery (she's at home with our nanny when I'm at work) and I hate the idea of her settling into a nursery in a strange country, with strange people fetching/dropping her sometimes (they are her grandparents but she doesn't see them often so they are effectively strangers to her) and with no mum. She's quite clingy and she's always been looked after by me or our nanny and never had to deal with the rough and tumble of a nursery.

DD1 is at nursery now (she's 3 so gets the funded place) at our local primary school. I hate the idea of her missing out on nearly a term there - even though logically it doesn't mean that much long term. And I worry about her settling into a new nursery in a strange place. Just because she's fine here doesn't mean she'll be fine there. She has just started at the primary school nursery (was at a different one last term) and has been not quite herself the past two weeks - a bit tearful, a bit tired, wanting mummy quite a bit. So I worry about her too.

And I just plain hate the idea of my girls being away from me for so long. I'm probably just being a bit selfish here but they are my girls. And I'll miss them like mad. And stupidly I just feel no one looks after them quite as well as me. I know that's dumb - DH is their father and my MIL had 3 children herself so knows all about children - but at the bottom of it that's how I feel.

I can't say DH can't go. I can say that the girls go for less time - but that does mean part of the reason for going (that they spend a lot of time with family before school terms prevent that) is lost. And basically only lost because of my selfishness/worries.

AIBU? Is there a middle road I have missed?

OP posts:

warthog · 20/09/2011 21:06

i personally would let them go with him for 1 week, then join for 3 weeks then take them home.

he can look after them full time for that week, and then he stays for 3 weeks after that for full on surfing / friends.

i would not get care there. it's got to be him and family.

but that's just me!

warthog · 20/09/2011 21:06

and hadeda, you are absolutely nbu.

in fact i think you're being too reasonable!!

Tyr · 20/09/2011 21:19

I haven't time to read through all the posts on this thread but i think you have got some very good advice on compromise solutions (on the first page anyway)
Given the age of your children, two to three months away from you and their familiar environment is not in their interests and I don't think he has even considered that.
What is the longest they have been away from you in one stretch?
If this went to court, he'd get nothing of the sort; two weeks might be considered reasonable but the idea of it being an opportunity for them wouldn't wash with children of that age.
Since you're not in court over this, you'll have to find another way of putting your foot down for the sake of the children
I think he is being completely selfish, thoughtless and unreasonable.

trixymalixy · 20/09/2011 22:45

My DD (2.3) just woke up asking for mummy and I have cuddled her back to sleep thinking about this thread. She is a Daddy's girl normally but she wouldn't understand being away from me for so long.

PorridgeBrain · 21/09/2011 05:53

How about Dh takes dc out for 2 weeks, then you go out for 3 weeks and bring them back with you and dh stay on longer if he wants to. No nursery. they get 5 weeks out there, dh gets time to do what he wants and you are only apart from dc for 2 weeks and don't have to worry about nursery

TanteRose · 21/09/2011 06:18

Let DH take them a few days or at most, a week, before you fly out and join them. You can then bring them back with you. They will be excited enough about the aeroplane journey etc on the way there, that it won't matter too much that you aren't with them.

You then get a nice relaxing flight all by yourself a few days later.

Then bring them back with you.

cory · 21/09/2011 07:32

We do this every summer: spend two weeks with my family in Sweden and then dh goes home and the children and I stay another 4 weeks. They have never forgotten him, not even when they were babies, and it has been an enormous advantage to them being so close to the other half of their heritage. I am sure he misses them like mad, but he has never thought to forbid it.

RantyMcRantpants · 21/09/2011 08:38

Could your DH take your DD's out with him for 2 weeks, with your nanny, you go out for 3 weeks and when you go out the nanny comes home. You bring the DD's home after : weeks and DH stays on for another couple of weeks.

That way your nanny is only away for 2 weeks, the girls get the support from someone they already know and love and you get the reassurance of someone you know being there for them.

singforsupper · 21/09/2011 10:16

I still don't see why you can't go over for 3 weeks as a family and leave him there, bringing DCs back? At 2 and 3 years, I don't think they will take too kindly to being thousands of mikles away from their Mum.

You still get to spend time with relatives, you know they are safe, and more importantly, they won't miss you. If DP misses you and DCs, he can come back whenever he likes - maybe when he's bored of surfing. I really don't understand this at all.

Or how about you take them with an open ticket, leaving you the option of bringing them back with you or leaving them. That way you can gauge what will work and what won't. My guess is you won't want to get on that plane without them and they won't want you to leave (but you never know of course).

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