DH wants to take DDs abroad for 8 - 12 weeks, I can't go for that long. AIBU to hate the idea?

[Hadeda]

Pretty much that. (Sorry a bit long, but wanted to set it all out rather than drip feed.)

My DDs will be just 4 and 2.5 at the time. He wants to go to visit family in South Africa (we're both from there) before DD1 starts school and we are "tied down". But I won't be able to get more than about 3 weeks leave max.

He plans to get his mum to help a bit with looking after the girls and also wants to put them into nursery for mornings only because he'd like to be able to go see friends, go surfing etc while there. And it's unfair to ask his parents to look after them all the time if he's not around. I've said that I have to be 100% happy with the nursery (they are less regulated there, plus his parents live in an area where few people speak English so I want to be quite sure it is truly dual medium at least as my girls don't speak any other language) and DH is fine with that.

DD2 has never been to nursery (she's at home with our nanny when I'm at work) and I hate the idea of her settling into a nursery in a strange country, with strange people fetching/dropping her sometimes (they are her grandparents but she doesn't see them often so they are effectively strangers to her) and with no mum. She's quite clingy and she's always been looked after by me or our nanny and never had to deal with the rough and tumble of a nursery.

DD1 is at nursery now (she's 3 so gets the funded place) at our local primary school. I hate the idea of her missing out on nearly a term there - even though logically it doesn't mean that much long term. And I worry about her settling into a new nursery in a strange place. Just because she's fine here doesn't mean she'll be fine there. She has just started at the primary school nursery (was at a different one last term) and has been not quite herself the past two weeks - a bit tearful, a bit tired, wanting mummy quite a bit. So I worry about her too.

And I just plain hate the idea of my girls being away from me for so long. I'm probably just being a bit selfish here but they are my girls. And I'll miss them like mad. And stupidly I just feel no one looks after them quite as well as me. I know that's dumb - DH is their father and my MIL had 3 children herself so knows all about children - but at the bottom of it that's how I feel.

I can't say DH can't go. I can say that the girls go for less time - but that does mean part of the reason for going (that they spend a lot of time with family before school terms prevent that) is lost. And basically only lost because of my selfishness/worries.

AIBU? Is there a middle road I have missed?

I don't think this is a tough one at all. YADNBU. The children are too young to get much out of it; absolutely everything about their little world would be disrupted. Settling them into a temporary nursery sounds crazy. You don't use a nursery for your younger one here; why on earth would you want to do it in SA? They need their mother in this situation.

I like the suggestion of you all going for 3 weeks then your OH staying on his own for a bit longer, or with your nanny if its affordable/ nanny is willing. YANBU at all.

I wouldn't allow it. No way. I think three weeks is long enough for them to spend time with family, bearing in mind that you can do it again in the summer. If dh wants to be selfish and go for longer then he can.

It will in no way whatsoever benefit your children to be away from you for that long, and if the family out there are so desparate to spend time with them, why can't they come here?

YANBU - I would have hated that when my DC were small (wouldn't mind so much now, though)

Could you go over for a few weeks in the middle of the time they are away? Or they go for a couple of weeks ahead of you and you all come back together?

I agree that the best solution might be to send the nanny if possible, to care for dc if grandparents are otherwise engaged/ tired If I were the nanny I'd jump at the chance

I know it seems like a long time and I had similar doubts for mine going to GPs in uk for 10 days (all be it without DH or me) and they are 3 and 5. But your DH will be there and this is a very common occurence in families serving in the forces and it is fine. My DPs coped very well and the dcs didn't even want to speak on the phone, even though we called every night!

No. You hate the idea. He wont even be WITH them. He wants a holiday AND his kids and that's not fair.

I think from the POV of learning and nursery that they would benefit hugely from a bilingual nursery at that age and would develop their cultural awareness. They would experience so many new things and time with family is really important, knowing extended family better is lovely.

OP your DP is being ridiculously unreasonable. He want DDs to go so that he can do surfing and see his mates? He wants them to see the rellies, fine. See the rellies, for 3 weeks, with you. No trauma for girls, safe back at home with Mummy and familiarity. Can rellies not come to UK to see you? I don't think this is a great opportunity for DDs (sorry waterwitch. DDs want Mummies, not beaches and sunshine. They want stability, security and bonding. They won't remember 3 months away from Mum with fond glee, they will remember it with sadness and regret.

I can't understand why so many posters think DP's suggestion is acceptable. He's not doing this for them, he's doing it for him and his family. Sure let him go surfing and see his mates, and you accompany for 3 weeks, but wanting you to do something that is clearly not what you want is plain wrong. Trust your instincts and be strong for your girls.

sorry lyingwitch (wrong name) :)

I think you are being very reasonable to even consider it. There is no way my children would be going to the other side of the world from me to be stuck in a nursery even for a tiny amount of the time. 12 weeks is way too long.

I agree with other suggestions of 3 weeks for DDs and your DH can stay and see his mates if he wants to.

A compromise for me would be - DH takes DD's for a week. You come for 3 weeks. He stays a further week with the DD's then comes home. No nursery. Fwiw, I was taken abroad by GP's quite often as a small child, I really missed my mum and when we went to Canada for 6 weeks, I lost about a stone in weight because I missed her so much I couldn't eat a lot - and I had to pretend I didn't feel homesick becasue I didn't want my extended family to feel bad. The travelling was a good experience, but I would rather have gone without it really, I'd rather have been with my mum.

Among my expat friends this sort of thing is fairly standard. The non-working parent takes them to their "home" country for the whole summer holidays with the working parent joining for a week or two and then going back to the UK to work.

HOWEVER, I have never heard of the children being put in a foreign nursery so the parent out there for longer can go surfing/see mates. I'm sure it's usual for the grandparents to so a bit of babysitting so the parent can have the odd afternoon to catch up with old friends but putting them in a strange nursery for such a short time does not seem fair on them.

A friend who has emigrated to Oz was over recently for several weeks. She brought her child to all the meet ups with friends and family.

No way would I allow my DH to put my children in a foreign nursery for several weeks so he could lead the life of a childfree single man.

I would think a lot less of him as a person if he even suggested being so selfish and immature.

I agree with the strange nursery being a bit off.

Is it possible for your DH to take the DC for 2/3 weeks on his own. You join them for 3 weeks then return to the UK, with the DC, leaving your DH behind to catch up with friends, on his own, for another couple of weeks.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think your DH has massively overlooked a few issues.

1. He is going to put them into nursery - nursery isn't just a temporary thing, it can be a big ordeal for a child to go to a new nursery, my DD2 sounds similar to your DD2 and even a year in to being at her nursery she still clings and cries sometimes when I drop her off. I would not consider trying to settle children somewhere for such a short time.

1. This is just before your DD1 starts school which is also a big deal, if she is going to the same school that she is a pre-school at she will miss the final term with the peer group she may be moving up with and it may just mean settling her in at reception is a little harder, but this isn't an insurmountable problem.

I think as someone else said compromise is key, so what I would be suggestions is

DH and DDs go out for 1.5 weeks
You join them for 3 weeks
DH and DDs stay for another 1.5 weeks

That way your DH and DDs get 6 weeks over there, you are only apart from your girls for 2 10 day periods. You all get a fantastic holiday together. Hopefully there is no need to put them in nursery or anything as we are talking 2 10 day periods when you aren't there.

And like someone else said it would be a great experience for them.

Having spent my life moving around the world up until the age of about 5, I can promise you it's not 'a wonderful experience' for them - they won't remember it and children that age don't like change, they like routine. And they will miss you and the nanny.

It seems a mite cruel to take them away from their mum for nearly three months only to bung them into nursery.

I agree with whoever said that he should take the kids with him for a week, then you join for three, then he has a further week (or two) on his own.

And I would miss them horribly too. Actually the only person I think who is going to benefit from this idea is him. You won't, the children won't.

I like chaotics idea best .
I do think some posters are being quite harsh tbh. The ops DH has said mornings not full time nursery, but I think a new nursery over in a different country could be good in keeping routine for them. Children do adapt really quickly and at this age they will love the beach! We are fortunate to live fairly close to a lovely one and it is my dds favourite place! I'm sure the DGPs will do other activities with them, parks, zoo etc which they would love. That said I think 6 weeks for them is long enough and is a compromise. 3 weeks with DH, 3 weeks with you both and then home.

whether children settle at nursery/ school or not is largely about how anxious the parents are, as is the case when getting vaccinations and any other event tbh. If DH is relaxed and positive then the dcs will be. I do get the impression that you get quite anxious about these things tbh.

No way would I allow this. Your children will not remember the 'wonderful experience' but will probably remember the pain of being separated from their mother.
YADNBU

YANBU, I couldn't do it and wouldn't do it even now, even with much older DCS.

It took mine weeks to settle into their home nursery anyway, I think your DH is being far too blasé about that aspect

I think the idea of nursery sounds awful tbh.

Of course GPs want as much time as possible, but also, how much time is he intending to spend with friends/doing what he wants that it would be too much time for GPs?

I would say that the girls go for as long as do-and if that´s 3wks then so be it tbh.

And when you are "tied" into school holidays, perhaps GPs can visit you?

Also, do his friends not work or will they be on holiday?

Sometimes you can only catch up on weekends & evenings!

YANDBU and you're not being selfish but sensible. I wouldn't allow it. I'd allow only the three weeks that you can be there,and no longer,perhaps another week with just your dh at a push.

"whether children settle at nursery/ school or not is largely about how anxious the parents are".

I'm not so sure. Some settle very easily. Others don't. One of mine still struggles to adjust to new places now, and he's nine! I have been perfectly happy and relaxed about them all, but they are by no means the same in their responses to things.

As for saying that the OP is 'quite anxious about these things': what mother wouldn't be anxious about this proposal? It would be completely against all natural instincts to allow your young children to be separated from you for 8-12 weeks. I think the OP is very, very generous to her husband for not putting her foot down at the outset.

I would be ok with this, apart from the nursery bit. your dh can always catch up with friends after they are in bed (assuming grandparents are happy to babysit), and surfing can be done in the time you are there.

I do appreciate you would miss your children, but it is not so long, in the scheme of things.

what would you do if the situation were reversed? (again, without the nursery plan) - would you not take your dds away from their father for 8 weeks? it is a wonderful opportunity for them to experience another country and culture, and spend some extended time with their relatives.

how about if your dh takes them out for 4 weeks, then you join them for the middle 3, then they stay another few weeks after you come back? that way, the separation is not in one big lump, as it were.

"Children do adapt really quickly and at this age"

That's just something adults say to justify them doing whatever they choose at their children's expense.

"I think a new nursery over in a different country could be good in keeping routine for them"

They don't go to nursery now, so how would something completely strange and new be good for keeping routine for them?