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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to take DDs abroad for 8 - 12 weeks, I can't go for that long. AIBU to hate the idea?

134 replies

Hadeda · 20/09/2011 11:27

Pretty much that. (Sorry a bit long, but wanted to set it all out rather than drip feed.)

My DDs will be just 4 and 2.5 at the time. He wants to go to visit family in South Africa (we're both from there) before DD1 starts school and we are "tied down". But I won't be able to get more than about 3 weeks leave max.

He plans to get his mum to help a bit with looking after the girls and also wants to put them into nursery for mornings only because he'd like to be able to go see friends, go surfing etc while there. And it's unfair to ask his parents to look after them all the time if he's not around. I've said that I have to be 100% happy with the nursery (they are less regulated there, plus his parents live in an area where few people speak English so I want to be quite sure it is truly dual medium at least as my girls don't speak any other language) and DH is fine with that.

DD2 has never been to nursery (she's at home with our nanny when I'm at work) and I hate the idea of her settling into a nursery in a strange country, with strange people fetching/dropping her sometimes (they are her grandparents but she doesn't see them often so they are effectively strangers to her) and with no mum. She's quite clingy and she's always been looked after by me or our nanny and never had to deal with the rough and tumble of a nursery.

DD1 is at nursery now (she's 3 so gets the funded place) at our local primary school. I hate the idea of her missing out on nearly a term there - even though logically it doesn't mean that much long term. And I worry about her settling into a new nursery in a strange place. Just because she's fine here doesn't mean she'll be fine there. She has just started at the primary school nursery (was at a different one last term) and has been not quite herself the past two weeks - a bit tearful, a bit tired, wanting mummy quite a bit. So I worry about her too.

And I just plain hate the idea of my girls being away from me for so long. I'm probably just being a bit selfish here but they are my girls. And I'll miss them like mad. And stupidly I just feel no one looks after them quite as well as me. I know that's dumb - DH is their father and my MIL had 3 children herself so knows all about children - but at the bottom of it that's how I feel.

I can't say DH can't go. I can say that the girls go for less time - but that does mean part of the reason for going (that they spend a lot of time with family before school terms prevent that) is lost. And basically only lost because of my selfishness/worries.

AIBU? Is there a middle road I have missed?

OP posts:
SwingingBetty · 20/09/2011 14:20

"Children do adapt really quickly and at this age"

That's just something adults say to justify them doing whatever they choose at their children's expense.

spot on.

diddl · 20/09/2011 14:23

But if you bring them back your Nanny won´t be getting as long a holiday as she thought!

But it seems to me that they would be better off back into their usual routine.

kayah · 20/09/2011 14:24

I do hope all goes well for her and her family and that trip will prove all who have doubts wrong, but if OP goes there in the middle and then disappears kids are going to be very confused.

Bootcamp · 20/09/2011 14:24

No way in the world I would agree to this. Go for3 weeks and you and girls come home.

NormalServiceWillResumeShortly · 20/09/2011 14:31

all the posters saying 'go for 3 weeks. then you and the girls come home and dh stay out for longer' - how much longer are you proposing he stay out there?

the full time he wanted, ie 8/9 weeks more, so he can catch up with his friends and family, and do the surfing he wants? (completely agree, btw that his wanting to put the girls in nursery so he can surf everyday is madness). because if that is what is being suggested, how come the girls won't forget their dad when away from him for so long? and how come his feelings of missing his daughters and being separated are not being taken into account?

Hadeda: appreciate the temp nanny cost issue. what about an au pair or similar to travel with you? eg I know people who would be happy to do this as a way to travel to somewhere they could not otherwise get to see. for bed, board and pocket money, you could have some flexible childcare for part of the week, and they get the other part of the week to see what they want to see?

diddl · 20/09/2011 14:35

"and how come his feelings of missing his daughters and being separated are not being taken into account?"

Because he wants to put them in a nursery so that he can surf/meet friends.

Surely they´d be better off home?

Or he only stays as long as OP can so that no one hav´s to be away fron anyone.

thecaptaincrocfamily · 20/09/2011 14:38

Actually the children being adaptable is evidenced and isn't an excuse for parents to do as they please.

I second 'what about the child forgetting daddy?' or "daddy missing his children?' Presumably the mother will be working so won't always be with them either!

I have seen lots of parents who live apart at different ends of the country and the children cope fine, they spend time with each parent for varying amounts of time. So long as there is one consistent parent with them no harm will come to them Hmm

OmniumAndGatherum · 20/09/2011 14:39

NormalService: because, quite frankly, mothers generally matter to small children (even) more than fathers. So does routine. A child in their normal domestic routine can cope with the absence of a parent far more readily than one thrust into a completely new situation where they need the reassurance of the parent who generally spends more time with them (normally the mother).

I think the husband is being a bit selfish. There are countless things I'd like to do that are as much fun for me as surfing is to this DH, but I don't do them because I have children. However, I can understand that he wants to see his family and friends. Give him an extra week, perhaps?

Chandon · 20/09/2011 14:42

Some sensible posts.

Quote1: "Children do adapt really quickly and at this age"

Quote 2: "That's just something adults say to justify them doing whatever they choose at their children's expense."

I moved my children from Ecuador to Brazil when they were 1 and 4 (well, we all moved) and EVERYONE said the Quote 1. oh, it'll be easy for them...

Well, in my experience it was not. They took ages to adjust to everything, they missed their old home and familiar faces, they really struggled with the climate. TBH, it was hell settling them in. I aged about 10 years in 1 year. It made my 1,5 year old go from a happy very confident tot to a toddler with extreme separation anxiety. He is 6 now, and still has these slightly panicky moments.

It's NOT easy for them. Yes, some kids are easy going, but lots of children get security from familiar surroundings and faces, and uprooting them, and worse, taking them away from their mum for that long seems only cruel to all of you.

I must say that your H's plans sound quite selfish. yet you ask if YOU are selfish. No, you are not.

go with them for 3 weeks, that's a lovely long time to see family, then take them back.

Hullygully · 20/09/2011 14:43

I HATE it when people spout that adaptability rubbish

NormalServiceWillResumeShortly · 20/09/2011 14:45

he wants to put them in nursery part time, and I have agreed this is stupid. I think there are better ways around it. the OP has said that the original plan was that mil would be doing a lot of the looking after, but now cannot as her father is ill. and so there might be another way around this.

if the girls came home with their mother, they would be with a nanny all day (am NOT getting at working mothers, just stating the fact) and see a parent in the evening. if they stayed with their father, they would be with a carer (to be confirmed) in the morning, and with their father all afternoon/evening. more time spent with a parent, on holiday, getting to know relatives etc.

I just don't think "I would miss them too much" is the best reason to give to not let your children do something that could hugely improve their life experiences. children are no pawns, and decisions should be made on what is actually best overall for them. maybe they wouldn't settle on holiday with their dad - we don't know that, only the OP does.

but given that she appeared not to have an issue with either the nanny going (but she can't/won't as just got married), the mil looking after the girls (but her dad is now ill) or a temp nanny, aside from cost - then it doesn't seem as though, in principle, the OP is against this trip.

she is against the nursery idea, and I can completely see why. and has some misgivings re: road safety (and having lived in SA, I can understand why!).

but talk of forgetting parents etc is a little over the top - there is such a thing as phones, and skype - it is easy to stay completely in touch with people on the other side of the world

LillianGish · 20/09/2011 14:46

"She doesn't sleep through the night yet and joins us in bed at some point, where she sleeps under my chin. She's a real mummy's girl." I think you answer your own question. YANBU. Go out with them for three weeks and bring them back with you (or let DH take them out a week before) - DH can stay on and surf and see friends and do what ever he wants to do. If your FIL is as ill as you say I'm guessing your MIL will be a bit preoccupied - that may well be long enough for her as well. I'm sure the kids will have a great holiday and lots of great new experiences, but I wouldn't pretend they will remember much about it. My ds lived in Paris until he was three, but his only memory of it is as a result of looking at photos - he can't really remember. What is for sure is that they will have a lot more fun with their parents than packed off to nursery. The danger is that what they do end up remembering is that mummy went away for a very long time. I don't think they'll forget you, but they might hold it against you and I think it will alter your relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/09/2011 14:50

YANBU

Your H is being very selfish here not just to say thoughtless at the very least. He needs a clout with a frying pan!!.

This is for him primarily because he wants to be the surfer dude again. He wants to put his two children into a nursery whilst there!. Presumably these children at nursery speak Afrikaans; doubt very much that your children will be readily able to converse with their peers initially at least.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/09/2011 14:51

If you go, you go together as a family and for the amount of time you are able to take as annual leave.

Chandon · 20/09/2011 14:52

Liliangish, I forgot to mention that side. As in our travellings (travails...), Dh would often have to leave us for 3-4 weeks. After him being away for that amount of time, the DC (tots) then "punished" him by ignoring him and not wanting cuddles when he got back. He really needed to work at it for a few days! It used to make him cry... I'd hate to think of you being in that position with your won DC through no fault of your own (other than being too generous to your H.)

LillianGish · 20/09/2011 14:55

There is a world of difference between staying in your own home while a parent is away and being left on the other side of the world (quite possibly in a nursery with people speaking a foreign language).

thecaptaincrocfamily · 20/09/2011 14:56

"She doesn't sleep through the night yet and joins us in bed at some point, where she sleeps under my chin. She's a real mummy's girl."
Maybe she is because daddy isn't given the responsibility and at 2.5 if she needs to she can still snuggle with daddy instead. I think the op would be unreasonable not to let them go with their daddy because it sounds like he needs time alone to develop the bond.

Bonsoir · 20/09/2011 14:57

That's far too long away from you and from home (combined) at that age. Why don't you and the girls go for three weeks and your DH prolong?

Journey · 20/09/2011 14:57

I'd take them for the 3 weeks max. After the 3 weeks your DH could stay on and see his friends etc.

I don't understand the comments that it would be a wonderful opportunity for the DDs. They would only be just 4 and 2.5 years old. Far too young to appreciate and understand the opportunity.

LillianGish · 20/09/2011 14:58

But he doesn't want to develop the bond captaincroc - he wants to put them in a nursery and go surfing!

LillianGish · 20/09/2011 15:02

I also think that at 2.5 there is nothing wrong with having that level of dependency on your mum, but if you did want to wean her off it it is rather a brutal way of doing so.

ladyintheradiator · 20/09/2011 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

halcyondays · 20/09/2011 15:10

Yanbu, 8-12 weeks is a long time to be away from your dc when they're so young.

ChristinedePizan · 20/09/2011 15:32

Captaincroc - what a crock of shit. If he needs time to develop a bond with his children, he can do that here. Take them out for the day, take them away for the weekend, but there is no need to take them halfway round the world.

ErnesttheBavarian · 20/09/2011 15:48

you're not happy with it, fair enough.

My compromise suggestions would be

Option 1. dh go with dds for 1 or 2 weeks, then OP fly over and join them for 3 weeks, then he stay with girls for further 1 - 2 weeks. And he has to do both flights on his own :)

Option 2,
Or dh go with dds for 1 or 2 weeks, then OP fly over and join them for 3 weeks, then he stay without girls for further 1 - 2 weeks, OP can fly back with the dd, and the dh stay for a couple of weeks on his own. Each parent then only has 1 or 2 weeks away from dd.

Either way, either parent only has (at a time) 1 or 2 weeks max away from dd, the dd don't need to go to a nursery. And dh gets up to 7 weeks in SA, which is not far off the original time hoped for.

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