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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to take DDs abroad for 8 - 12 weeks, I can't go for that long. AIBU to hate the idea?

134 replies

Hadeda · 20/09/2011 11:27

Pretty much that. (Sorry a bit long, but wanted to set it all out rather than drip feed.)

My DDs will be just 4 and 2.5 at the time. He wants to go to visit family in South Africa (we're both from there) before DD1 starts school and we are "tied down". But I won't be able to get more than about 3 weeks leave max.

He plans to get his mum to help a bit with looking after the girls and also wants to put them into nursery for mornings only because he'd like to be able to go see friends, go surfing etc while there. And it's unfair to ask his parents to look after them all the time if he's not around. I've said that I have to be 100% happy with the nursery (they are less regulated there, plus his parents live in an area where few people speak English so I want to be quite sure it is truly dual medium at least as my girls don't speak any other language) and DH is fine with that.

DD2 has never been to nursery (she's at home with our nanny when I'm at work) and I hate the idea of her settling into a nursery in a strange country, with strange people fetching/dropping her sometimes (they are her grandparents but she doesn't see them often so they are effectively strangers to her) and with no mum. She's quite clingy and she's always been looked after by me or our nanny and never had to deal with the rough and tumble of a nursery.

DD1 is at nursery now (she's 3 so gets the funded place) at our local primary school. I hate the idea of her missing out on nearly a term there - even though logically it doesn't mean that much long term. And I worry about her settling into a new nursery in a strange place. Just because she's fine here doesn't mean she'll be fine there. She has just started at the primary school nursery (was at a different one last term) and has been not quite herself the past two weeks - a bit tearful, a bit tired, wanting mummy quite a bit. So I worry about her too.

And I just plain hate the idea of my girls being away from me for so long. I'm probably just being a bit selfish here but they are my girls. And I'll miss them like mad. And stupidly I just feel no one looks after them quite as well as me. I know that's dumb - DH is their father and my MIL had 3 children herself so knows all about children - but at the bottom of it that's how I feel.

I can't say DH can't go. I can say that the girls go for less time - but that does mean part of the reason for going (that they spend a lot of time with family before school terms prevent that) is lost. And basically only lost because of my selfishness/worries.

AIBU? Is there a middle road I have missed?

OP posts:
thecaptaincrocfamily · 20/09/2011 15:58

lillian Firstly why should he not want to go surfing some of the time i.e. the morning Confused. We have already said she is not allowing the nursery which is fine but some help from an au pair for 3 hours in the morning is hardly neglectful. Perhaps he rarely gets to do this in the UK, so not selfish imo.

Secondly the children would benefit from getting to know their GPs better and they would still be in the house with them even if there was an au pair there. Perhaps DH feels that his parents are missing out by not knowing them.

Obviously for the afore mentioned reasons of the DGMs father being ill they cannot leave him to come to the UK. I know my parents would be upset if they never saw the dds.

There seem to be lots of selfish women on this thread who only think from the mothers POV, it isn't all about what mother wants and tbh I think the op will miss the comfort of bed sharing more than the lo.

moonstorm · 20/09/2011 16:01

O would not go along with it AT ALL. It would be different if they were older (7+), but not at this age.

YANBU

moonstorm · 20/09/2011 16:02

I

diddl · 20/09/2011 16:05

" Firstly why should he not want to go surfing some of the time i.e. the morning"

Why can´t he surf/see friends when OP is there or when he is alone rather than the girls having to go into a nursery for him to do it?

Original poster
Hadeda · 20/09/2011 17:13

Captaincroc - I agree with most of what you say, but believe me DD2 comming into our bed every night is definitely her idea!! I never ever planned to still be waking at night when she was 2!

DH is a fabulous and very involved father. He knows how much work is involved in looking after 2 small children, and he regularly cares for them on his own. (Tonight for example, when I have a late meeting and he will be home to do bath time and bed time himself.)

This thread has been really useful to me because it has helped me boil down the issues. They come down to 2 things:

  1. the length of the trip in proportion to the amount of time I can take off
  2. care for the girls while he is there alone

I think the best solution is for him to go out for about 2 weeks before I join him. We will speak to MIL to see what she thinks and how much involvement she feels she can take on, given grand grandfather's situation. But I think the answer is not nursery, it is some other form of care. DH is going to have to accept he will be able to do less surfing for those two weeks. We can find a South African au pair to look after the girls at MIL's house or, if FIL/MIL is available to drive them somewhere and fetch them later, an outing to the park/soft play etc. It's about 10 days of playing at home in the mornings - so not all that bad. I will then go out for three weeks and, at the end of those 3 weeks, fly back with the girls. I've flown with them on my own plenty of times before (most memorably, with 2 under 2 and I had pneumonia, which was the reason for going - I was too ill to look after them and DH couldn't take time off work to stay home...) DH can then stay on alone for about 2 weeks, which gives him plenty of time to surf up a storm.

Thank you all, it's amazing how useful reading a variety of opinions can be!

OP posts:
diddl · 20/09/2011 17:18

"DH is going to have to accept he will be able to do less surfing for those two weeks. "

Well I wouldn´t have thought that that was a big ask tbh.

He wants to take the girls away for 8+wks, so to say that he is responsible for them for 2 isn´t much.

Especially as will be on holiday with no everyday pressures-and friends and family around who will be wanting to see the girls.

If he stays on alone, he can do nothing but surf for that time!

OmniumAndGatherum · 20/09/2011 17:25

I am going to hide this thread because comments like captaincroc's annoy me so much.

babynamesgrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 20/09/2011 18:03

yanbu

CamperFan · 20/09/2011 18:31

Sounds like a good compromise OP

troisgarcons · 20/09/2011 18:36

Well, I read the first two pages of the thread, and apologies for not reading the next three, but it will undoubtedly be much of the same.

I took my (then) 5 and 6 yo 8 thousand miles 'home' - ok it was only 3 weeks and left Husband with the 15 month old. See, call me barking mad, but we are both the parents and neither of us has exclusive rights over the children. I would point out I took the children to a recovering war zone, which was left heavily mined by the invading forces. I had no qualms and neither did he.

TBH, if you can't trust your partner to look after his own flesh and blood and do whats right, who can you trust?

ChristinedePizan · 20/09/2011 18:46

Big difference troisgarcons - three weeks isn't five to eight weeks and I presume you didn't put them in a school where they didn't know anyone or speak the language for the morning so that you could reconnect with your mates. Also 5 and 6 are not in the same ballpark as 2.5 and 4.

I am actually not arguing from the point of view of 'selfish mothers' at all, I'm arguing from the POV of a kid who through force of circumstance was separated from my mother for weeks at a time and moved from school to school and house to house as a young child. It sucked big time and anyone who tells themselves it's really good for their children is deluding themselves because it suits them

Feminine · 20/09/2011 18:47

captaincroc what a load of old tosh!

Feminine · 20/09/2011 18:50

and troisgarcons Confused
recovering war zone?

troisgarcons · 20/09/2011 19:01

FeminineTue 20-Sep-11 18:50:34

and troisgarcons
recovering war zone?

Um, yeah, why wouldnt I want to go home and see my family?

Mind you I should have phrased that a bit better - how does "an area recovering from war" sound? is that better? Still mines all over the place though. It taught them to look carefully. Grin

Yirkmum · 20/09/2011 19:03

troisgarcons - I think you're supposed to wrap your dcs in cotton wool and keep them at home till they are aged 42.

So she took her kids HOME to a (former) warzone? Children live in them all the time.

Is anyone else desperate to know how the OP's dh can afford to take 12 weeks off?

Feminine · 20/09/2011 19:07

Well it sounds a little less dramatic now troisgarcons Grin

In your original op I thought you laid it out that way to show how dangerous it was and how laid back you both were!

:)

troisgarcons · 20/09/2011 19:19

Ah, it was meant to show I could merrily leave our 15mo with Hubs as I trusted him implicitly - think Hubs sent him to a childminder, cant remember.

O/T this summer Im thinking of back packing through some dodgy parts of Eastern Europe with an autistic 11yo in tow .... Grin... my husbands idea of hell on earth is staying in backpackers hostels!!!

Feminine · 20/09/2011 19:50

troisgarcons I think you will manage it,sounds like you have the right temperament! :)

Good luck!

WhenDoISleep · 20/09/2011 20:03

I know you said up thread that your Nanny would not be happy to go to SA for such a long time as originally suggested, but would she be willing to go for a week / 10 days?

It might be worth asking her if she would go for a shorter time period as it means your DD's will have a familiar carer when not with your DH.

trixymalixy · 20/09/2011 20:09

YANBU, my DC are of ages with yours and the thought of not seeing them for weeks fills me with absolute horror. I travel with work sometimes and they seem to change so much within the space of a couple of days.

If they were if school age fair enough, but I think they are far too young to gain a lot from it and to be without their Mum for so long. I think the compromise of A week either side of your 3 week trip sounds like a good compromise.

troisgarcons · 20/09/2011 20:11

Is anyone else desperate to know how the OP's dh can afford to take 12 weeks off?

No, querying the finances of other people is vulgar. Besides a lot of mainsteam employers allow sabathicals.

C0smos · 20/09/2011 20:14

Haven't read the whole thread but I am in the opposite situation, I am English but live in South Africa. I have 1 DS who is 2.
I would never take my DS to the UK for that period of time without my husband, I've stayed a week on my own max. If I ever take maternity leave again, I would like to stay for maybe 4 weeks but I would expect my husband to be there for at least 2, it wouldn't be fair on him to not see his DS for any longer than a week or so.
Do your ILs have a domestic worker, does the domestic worker have her own kids? Could she help out your inlaws during the day looking after the kids.
There are also lots of agencies who can arrange temporary au-pairs etc. However, I would note that this type of arrangement would never be an option in the UK and I think if your husband needs a break from looking after your kids, then he shouldn't be taking them for that length of time in the first place.
I would offer to pop in and say hello, but I'm guessing you are in Durban / CT which is a bit far from me??

singforsupper · 20/09/2011 20:16

Hi Hadeda - I think at the top of your list should be

  1. Ask the children what they would like to do.

Until you do that, you shouldn't organise anything. There's something very amiss about taking kids away from their mother for 8 weeks to a country they don't know and to stay with people they don't know. Even if Daddy is main carer it's strange.

annh · 20/09/2011 20:51

Singforsupper The children are only 3 and 2 (or less) at the moment. I doubt they have much concept of how long 8 weeks is or how far away they will be from mummy in South Africa! I don't think asking them what they want to do is going to help much!

cerealqueen · 20/09/2011 20:58

YANBU - why bring them out all that way and put them in a nursery???? Isn't it supposed to be a holiday? What will they get out of it? I've never heard anything so bizarre.