DH wants to take DDs abroad for 8 - 12 weeks, I can't go for that long. AIBU to hate the idea?

[Hadeda]

Pretty much that. (Sorry a bit long, but wanted to set it all out rather than drip feed.)

My DDs will be just 4 and 2.5 at the time. He wants to go to visit family in South Africa (we're both from there) before DD1 starts school and we are "tied down". But I won't be able to get more than about 3 weeks leave max.

He plans to get his mum to help a bit with looking after the girls and also wants to put them into nursery for mornings only because he'd like to be able to go see friends, go surfing etc while there. And it's unfair to ask his parents to look after them all the time if he's not around. I've said that I have to be 100% happy with the nursery (they are less regulated there, plus his parents live in an area where few people speak English so I want to be quite sure it is truly dual medium at least as my girls don't speak any other language) and DH is fine with that.

DD2 has never been to nursery (she's at home with our nanny when I'm at work) and I hate the idea of her settling into a nursery in a strange country, with strange people fetching/dropping her sometimes (they are her grandparents but she doesn't see them often so they are effectively strangers to her) and with no mum. She's quite clingy and she's always been looked after by me or our nanny and never had to deal with the rough and tumble of a nursery.

DD1 is at nursery now (she's 3 so gets the funded place) at our local primary school. I hate the idea of her missing out on nearly a term there - even though logically it doesn't mean that much long term. And I worry about her settling into a new nursery in a strange place. Just because she's fine here doesn't mean she'll be fine there. She has just started at the primary school nursery (was at a different one last term) and has been not quite herself the past two weeks - a bit tearful, a bit tired, wanting mummy quite a bit. So I worry about her too.

And I just plain hate the idea of my girls being away from me for so long. I'm probably just being a bit selfish here but they are my girls. And I'll miss them like mad. And stupidly I just feel no one looks after them quite as well as me. I know that's dumb - DH is their father and my MIL had 3 children herself so knows all about children - but at the bottom of it that's how I feel.

I can't say DH can't go. I can say that the girls go for less time - but that does mean part of the reason for going (that they spend a lot of time with family before school terms prevent that) is lost. And basically only lost because of my selfishness/worries.

AIBU? Is there a middle road I have missed?

Well said.

AS for those rattling on about the cultural benefits,they'll be 2.5 and 4.They aren't going to gain a great deal in that respect at such a young age. They'll benefit more from having both parents around.

I actually am shocked he would even suggest it.

Really shocked...

YANBU at all.

Your DH needs to come up with a better plan.

"would you not take your dds away from their father for 8 weeks? it is a wonderful opportunity for them to experience another country and culture,"

I know that that wasn´t directed at me, but I wouldn´t, especially not so young.
I think a week at most.

So perhaps if the children have 5weeks & OP the middle three.

However much more time the husband wants on his own is up to him.

@kayah:

^I hate to say that but your younger is likely to forget you within 6 weeks
and it is going to be hard to rebuild that bond^

Really?? Anything to back up that assertion? The children of people in the services or working offshore don't have this problem so why would OP's children somehow forget who their parent was?

hmm. well I completely remember (age appropriate) 'cultural' experiences from my time abroad when I was little.

and I remember having a holiday in the uk, without my parents, coming to stay with grandparents who I had only met once before, when I was 5 - it was fascinating to see how different things were, and have different foods, go on a bus, see a castle etc.

young children do experience things - my own dd remembers going to Australia when she was 2. not all the finer points, admittedly, but it is quite interesting to see what she does remember - the weather (v windy!), some of the sites, the people we saw (she has not seen the people since, but can remember things they said, or what happened when we were with them).

Thanks all for your responses. We talked about him going for a bit, then me joining and then him staying on and will probably aim for that - but it's how long he stays on and whether the girls stay with him.

DH plans to go surfing every morning unless it's calm - for him, the trip is a "two header": girls spend time with the family and he gets to see his family and he also gets to go surfing (which is a passion of his). So we need something in place for them, and don't want to rely on MIL only as DH's grandfather (the girl's great grandfather) is very unwell and DH's mum does a lot of looking after him, even though he has full time care as well.

Our nanny won't go out - I haven't asked her, but she's getting married next July and has her own home with her fiance. If I was in her position, I wouldn't agree to go. thecaptaincrocfamily - you'd def want to be my nanny though, as she's getting an 8 - 12 week holiday out of this!

And hugely at the idea of DD2 forgetting me!! She doesn't sleep through the night yet and joins us in bed at some point, where she sleeps under my chin. She's a real mummy's girl. I really hope mummy is not that forgettable...!

I think what I'll say to DH is this;

1. set dates where I join in the middle and there is 2/3 weeks before I get there then girls come home with me.
2. have frank discussion with MIL about whether she'd be able to look after girls when DH is not around for those 2/3 weeks.
3. perhaps look into temporary nannies in SA. Reason I have ruled this out before is because I was of the view NO ONE except DH and the family are driving my DDs. Roads out there are v dangerous and people drive very badly, car seats are an optional extra for many people etc etc. So nanny would be stuck in the house. (You can't walk anywhere really, isn't even a park at the end of the road.) But perhaps we could find a suitable nanny and agree to driving within a very limited, suburban area.
4. talk to him about nursery again and settling in for DD2 esp. Also, just occurred to me that they'd be in separate rooms because they're different ages - which is one of the reasons we went for a nanny rather than a nursery here. I think he doesn't realise quite what a big issue settling can be as DD1 has always settled happily, and I've done the settling in sessions so he's never seen the big eyes and wobbly lip when they're On Their Own.
5. ask him to stay 2/3 weeks more and not whatever is the difference between that and 12 weeks.

Thanks everyone, that's really helped to get my mind in order .

oh, please at the young child forgetting someone in 6 weeks, and not being able to rebuild the bond.

as another poster has said - what about Forces children?

my dad worked away when I was little - away for 3 months, back for a month was a typical pattern. none of us (my siblings and I) forgot him. we all looked forward to his return, and missed him when he was away, sure - but it was our life. and we were very close.

Well I took DS1 to NZ for 7 weeks by myself when he was 3.5. I think there are several issues here...

I definitely couldn't be apart from children that age for more than a couple of weeks I don't think, and no way would I let them be put into nursery over there - it is disruptive to a child settling them into nursery and just not worth it for a short time in a strange place. My DS1 was more attached to me than his dad but he was still unsettled by the trip and by being away, and had nightmares a lot while we were there.

At the same time, I disagree with the posters who say the children won't get much out of it. DS1 developed really close relationships with his grandparents and a good feeling for NZ (mainly through stuff like trips to wildlife parks) and still (at age 8) feels much more connected than DS2 (age 4 but has only been to NZ once for a couple of weeks).

I'd be inclined to look at some of the compromises suggested by the other posters - either you go out for your stint in the middle with them doing a couple of weeks without you either side, or you stagger it so he goes across earlier with the DC and you bring them back so he can have some free time over there.

Good luck sorting it!!

I remember some things when I was that age too,and I'm not saying that they won't enjoy some aspects of it,but I don't think the benefits are worth it when the OP isn't happy about her children being away from her so long,I wouldn't like it either.
They can go for three weeks with both parents and learn and have fun,there's no need to go for three weeks,or as another poster suggested if the OP is willing they can go for a week or two with their father,then the OP can fly out,and return with them after three weeks.

OP, I think you are too nice. The whole thing is a rotten idea, and you are trying to be kind to your DH and his parents. But in the process, you are going to make yourself unhappy (just imagine being here, wondering who is driving your girls around. The very thought would make me sick). And a little girl who snuggles up in bed with you is decidedly not a little girl who would be happy in such different circumstances. I think the whole idea is lunacy, and you are being too nice to say so. Why not just all go for three weeks, then your DH can stay for however long he likes to do his surfing and friend-seeing?

Oh, and missed a whole lot of posts while I wrote that really long reply.

I don't think I'm very anxious about nursery per se (have settled DD1 into 3 different nurseries now and know about being upbeat etc), but I am anxious about it in a strange country with a different system. The child/teacher ratios there are much bigger (1:8 for 2 year olds at one we looked at) and, given the area, it is quite likely that even if the teachers speak English to the DDs, the children will all speak Afrikaans among themselves. So I am concerned that it will be that much more difficult to settle and the additional stresses of being away from home may add to that.

They've both been to SA before and DD1 is old enough to remember it, and have happy memories. Which is why I'm happy enough for them to go, it's the length of time that was bothering me.

can you not hire a temp nanny from the uk to go out? you could spend some time beforehand with her getting to know them. that way the nursery is not needed?

and what about cutting it down a bit? so the nanny, the girls and your dh go out for 3 weeks, you join them for 3? 6 weeks is a good long time for the girls and their grandparents. your dh can stay on afterwards if he must.

WTF? Put them into a nursery so he can enjoy himself?

Weird and selfish,.

There is a big difference between having to be away from children (as in the forces) and choosing to be away (or having them go away).

Think your solution is good OP but just to say on rereading your OP, that their spending less time is not lost because of your selfishness/worries, but is lost because you can't go with them which is not going to be a whole heap of fun for either you nor them.

And I'm sorry to say this but putting your children in a new nursery every morning so that he can surf is very selfish. If he wants to surf, he can be there on his own.

Normalservice - the temp nanny is a lovely idea, but this whole trip is already costing a fortune and I don't think we could afford two UK nanny costs.

The original plan was to ask the GPs if they would look after the girls, but then DH's grandfather became so ill.

@kayah:

^I hate to say that but your younger is likely to forget you within 6 weeks
and it is going to be hard to rebuild that bond^

Really?? Anything to back up that assertion? The children of people in the services or working offshore don't have this problem so why would OP's children somehow forget who their parent was?

Hadeda children are very good at non verbal communication and pointing I remember going abroad on holidays when we often played with local children and we could play together fairly easily. No different from a child with SALT problems playing with other children and you would be surprised at how quickly children can pick up words in other languages As long as the staff speak English then it would be fine.

my DS1 wenht away for 2 week with his dad, he was 2.5
I had a real shock when I went to meet him off the plane and he (DS) almost blanked me. that night I tried to sleep him, and he cried for his daddy

of course we revovered the bond again, but it did really suprise me, and dismay me

but I think I would let them both (have 2 now) do 2 weeks in Italy without me as I think the benefits outweigh the disadvantages

OP - I think you think very differently from , just from your earlier response, so it is hard to advise, but I would just say that it sounds to me a bit unbalanced - your DH is getting exactly what he wants and you are having to make all the compromises. In terms of what they remember, I just don't think anyone remembers anything much before the age of 4 - I certainly can't remember anything before my preschool.

My DDs remember things in great detail fromm trips they have been on, but I suspect this will all soon be crowded out by school, more experiences etc, so this isn't really about them, it is about what you and your DH think is the best thing to do for you as a family.

I think the nursery thing is completely crazy - it just isn't worth it even for 3 months. The thing I guess I don't get is that, for example, I would love to go swimming every day, but I can't because I have 2 small children. Your DH can only go surfing every day by massively inconveniencing everyone else involved in this scenario, most of all your DDs by putting them in nursery. I just don't see why he can't go for longer, have as much surfing as he wants, and your DDS come home to their familiar environment with you? My DH travels a lot for work, and our DDs are the same age as yours. As the one tleft with them while he is away, I would say that they won't forget you (typical Mumsnet over-dramatisation!), but they will really miss you.

Sorry not to be more use.

There is no way in hell that I would put up with this. YADNBU. I literally couldn't bear the thought of being away from my kids for that length of time, fair play to you that you could do 2/3 weeks!

You know, regardless of any damage or unhappiness the girls might suffer, it would be utterly miserable for Hadeda if her partner were to take them away like that.

Sufficiently miserable, considering that any benefits for the girls would be pretty minimal, to absolutely say no to the original plan.

Kayah the ops children wouldn't be apart for that long if she goes out in the middle iyswim Children at the ages the ops DC are don't forget that quickly.

We are a forces family and my DCs only see GPs 3 times per year but they still remember who they are and have done from about 18 months.

I think to brng them back with you. It seemsy couhld pointless to put them in a nursery when they could have all things familiar at home and STILL have spent 5/6 weeks in SA. If yougest is a mummys girl then surely she will be very sad? I know my DS would be. Plus if they go for 3 months, the oldest girl has missed 3 months of her usual nursery and she'll have to fit right in again. If they were older I'd think great, what an experience but not at their ages, I just could not do that at all. I think if they go for 2 weeks or so before you arrive then that would be unfair to stick them in a nursery as soon as they arrive just for 2 weeks.

If it was me, the girls would just do the time I was there, and then be happy for DH to stay on to do his friends things.

sorry no idea what that gobbeldy gook is there