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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.. to start to go to church even though I dont believe in God?

175 replies

severnofnine · 18/09/2011 14:29

DH thinks I am BU, but I can't decide
I took the children and dog for a walk before lunch. We live in a small village and even though we've been here for 5 yrs we are still the "new people". I work during the week but our children go to the local school and we have some friends from there. anyway on our dog walk I met a lovely lady church warden she invited us in to the church show us a display some of the children had done.
And now I feel like I'd like to go next week. The only problem is I'm a very scientifically minded rational person. I dont believe there is a bloke somewhere sitting on a cloud directing us. I dont believe in god. I went to church when I was little with my grandmother but my parents werent particularly religious. I wasn't christened neither were my children. I got married at a registry office.

So does that make me a major hypocrite for wanting to go to church, feel like a part of a community, do a bit of singing???? DH wont go- definitely not, but wouldnt mind if i took the children.

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

BoffinMum · 20/09/2011 10:43

My grandparents were Methodists, interestingly enough.

GloriaVanderbilt · 20/09/2011 10:46

'We believe in one God, the father almighty, maker of heaven and earth.'

So (coming full circle) why is it that on this thread everyone (well loads of people) are saying yes! come along even if you don't believe in God!'

madhairday · 20/09/2011 10:47

Fire and Brimstone doesn't need to be by default the opposite to soppy and wet. How about exciting and adventurous? Compelling and wonderful?

BoffinMum · 20/09/2011 10:49

DS1 talked to me recently about getting confirmed. The conversation went like this.

DS1: Mum, I don't know whether I want to get confirmed because I am not sure I believe every little thing we talked about in the confirmation classes.

Me: Well I am not sure anybody does. I suppose you would need to decide whether there is some sort of minimum belief requirement that is necessary for someone to have to get confirmed.

DS1: What do you think that would be?

Me: I suppose it would be about turning against sin, believing in a greater consciousness, and believing that we are accountable for what we do while we are on this earth.

DS1: I do believe that. Should I get confirmed then?

Me: Only if you think you are ready to become an adult member of the Church and play a part in what it does in a wider sense.

DS1: I am cool with that.

Me: Well there you go then. Talk about it with and see what she says as well.

So it's a very personal thing, but there is a bottom line.

BoffinMum · 20/09/2011 10:49

Yes
You don't have to say the words and lie!!!!

GloriaVanderbilt · 20/09/2011 10:50

'So they "do" the religion and sometimes don't even think that hard about the things they are saying etc. It's a part of what they have been doing since they can remember, it's just what you do.'

I'm sorry, I disagree that this is 'fair enough'. But then i was brought up in a Catholic community full of some of the nasiest teachers you could imagine whose behaviour was about as far from Godly as you can get, as well as some very lovely people.

Catholicism or God seemed to have very little to do with either. They were just random people but some chose to hide behind the Catholicism when really they were right b*stards.

then I got confirmed. I didn't know if I wanted to. I asked SO many questions, none of which was answered. They told me to do it anyway and not worry about all that.

I did it and felt like a hypocrite. I dropped out soon after.

I mean what was the point of that? What was their motive for getting me to go through with a profound ritual which I didn't know if I even wanted to do?

This is what makes me so suspicious. Is it because it was 'just what you do'?

Never heard a poorer argument if so

BoffinMum · 20/09/2011 10:51

But try not to slag off anyone who does believe at coffee and biscuit time.

Meteorite · 20/09/2011 10:51

Gloria, most people realise that if they go to church it's going to be about God. People are invited to take part in the service by joining in with the words, but it's not compulsory.

The church needs to cater for those who believe, so that they can grow and develop in their Christian faith. If it was all non-religious then this couldn't happen.

So come along, be welcome, say the bits you believe in and debate the bits you don't (join a house group, chat with others at coffee, quiz the vicar).

"So (coming full circle) why is it that on this thread everyone (well loads of people) are saying yes! come along even if you don't believe in God!'"

BoffinMum · 20/09/2011 10:52

Gloria, I have to say I have strong feelings about what is done in the name of RC and that is another reason I am C of E. I really do believe people should use their brains a bit.

GloriaVanderbilt · 20/09/2011 10:54

x posts, sorry. Boffin, if I'd had that sort of discussion with anyone it might have helped a bit, but generally it was just 'get on with it'

Meteorite · 20/09/2011 10:56

I am sorry you had this experience Gloria. I'm not surprised you dropped out, I think I would have done. I am lucky in that I've had really good experiences of church (as well as some less so!) It's not all like what you experienced by any means, thank goodness! Most people would agree it's pretty disgraceful when religion is used wrongly, to cover up things which its founders certainly wouldn't have been too pleased about. I hope if you ever set foot in a church again you have a much better experience.

"some chose to hide behind the Catholicism when really they were right b*stards."

GloriaVanderbilt · 20/09/2011 10:57

Meteorite, I don't think I would feel comfortable going laong on the premise that i wanted to explore my belief (and that was what was being offered) when really I had no intention of exploring a belief in God and was confirmed in my atheism (like the OP here)#

it would feel completely disingenuous. Like kissing someone I knew I didn't fancy, because they thought I might if I tried it

GloriaVanderbilt · 20/09/2011 10:58

Thanks Meteorite I appreciate it.

AnnaBegins · 20/09/2011 10:58

I know you've already had many similar replies, but I just wanted to say that, as a Christian, I'd say YANBU, go for it! Church is a great community to be part of, and you may even find yourself thinking about faith and belief more. It's especially nice that the people at your church already seem welcoming, so I'm sure it will be lovely. I think it's really important to think about faith, even if you come to the conclusion that you definitely still don't believe in God! I love debating with my non-Christian friends simply because it makes all of us think a bit more deeply about our reasons for our beliefs, even if no-one changes their views. Good luck, hope you have a lovely time and are made to feel very welcome :)

GloriaVanderbilt · 20/09/2011 11:00

Well the OP gets a big YABU from me on that basis alone

she doesn't want to think about faith any more

she's an atheist

AnnaBegins · 20/09/2011 11:00

Oh I meant to say also, that Church of England vicars generally feel that they are there for the whole community, not just those who go to church every week, so the church is definitely there for you :)

AnnaBegins · 20/09/2011 11:01

Sorry Gloria, I didn't mean to imply that the OP had to think about faith, just that she might find herself doing so because of the setting

BoffinMum · 20/09/2011 11:04

Gloria, you don't have to explore your belief. If you want to bring it up, just say you want to join in with the community side of things but the whole belief thing is on ice for you at the moment because of previous negative experiences. If you do encounter a happy clappy person who tries evangelising, move on to someone who isn't like that. I would say to non-believers help make the Christingles, bake some nice biscuits for after service, go to the Harvest supper or whatever, but don't stress!

madhairday · 20/09/2011 11:16

Gloria I too am sorry you had such a negative experience.

It should never be about 'just what you do.' We are given reason and rationality for a purpose. It should always be our choice and what we are comfortable with. Forcing somebody into faith is incredibly wrong and divisive. I'm not surprised you left either :(

SardineQueen · 20/09/2011 11:25

I really don't have a problem with people who are culturally religious. For many people, to remove yourself from the religion is to remove yourself from family and community and that is a huge deal.

notlettingthefearshow · 20/09/2011 11:35

Go once with an open mind, but if you honestly don't believe in God, IMO it would be hypocritical to attend.

You will quickly decide if it is for you if you go once or twice and get a feel for it. I don't believe, and events like baptisms make me feel uncomfortable when they use expressions like 'burn in hell'. I would not sing along with hymns and I'm not sure if I would attend at all next time because I felt hypocritical. The church was a lovely, welcoming place, but it is for believers, not for me.

Migsy1 · 20/09/2011 11:43

Go for it. There are lots of reasons for going to Church. God is only one of them and it is a great way to meet with other members of the community. If you don't like then you don't have to go back. You are not a hypocrite at all.

Georgimama · 20/09/2011 11:52

Only twice at church have I been asked if I believe in Christ and accept him as my saviour and renounce the devil - the first time was when I was confirmed and the second was ds's christening. Both rites I requested. No one wants to get into heavy theological discussions, not even the vicar.

BoffinMum · 20/09/2011 15:04

This is true.
BTW the C of E is currently reviewing its welcome to families on the birth of a child, perhaps the baptism ceremony might be tweaked a bit to make it easier to relate to in modern times?

Georgimama · 20/09/2011 16:14

I don't know really - some churches do a naming/welcome ceremony which is light on the rejecting the devil stuff. But I think really if you want to make a public proclamation such as baptism then there should be some quite serious statements of intent in there, otherwise what's the point?

If a self confessed agnostic with an enquiring mind and an interest in finding out what it was all about rocked up to our little village church everyone would be completely intimidated and try to steer the chat towards begonias and bunions pdq.

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