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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.. to start to go to church even though I dont believe in God?

175 replies

severnofnine · 18/09/2011 14:29

DH thinks I am BU, but I can't decide
I took the children and dog for a walk before lunch. We live in a small village and even though we've been here for 5 yrs we are still the "new people". I work during the week but our children go to the local school and we have some friends from there. anyway on our dog walk I met a lovely lady church warden she invited us in to the church show us a display some of the children had done.
And now I feel like I'd like to go next week. The only problem is I'm a very scientifically minded rational person. I dont believe there is a bloke somewhere sitting on a cloud directing us. I dont believe in god. I went to church when I was little with my grandmother but my parents werent particularly religious. I wasn't christened neither were my children. I got married at a registry office.

So does that make me a major hypocrite for wanting to go to church, feel like a part of a community, do a bit of singing???? DH wont go- definitely not, but wouldnt mind if i took the children.

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 18/09/2011 16:01

go if you want, it is not an exclusive club with entrance requirements. I generally like wandering about and sitting about in old churches but I have been in some congregations (since I'll try out anything) in the course of living abroad where I haven't liked the feel of the place and what they believe/say - and I follow my gut feeling in that and don't continue to go there even if the people are otherwise lovely and the socialising is good.

For most of my adult life I was the most unpleasantly raving atheist you could imagine but I did sometimes go and sit in a quiet old church when it was empty and liked the feel, so maybe underneath it I was less of an atheist than I thought at the time.

madhairday · 18/09/2011 16:08

YANBU. If the church is only for believers then we're in a sorry state. I hope that if you go you feel welcomed and enjoy the experience.

I don't really believe in a bloke on a cloud, but I do believe in a God who is with us in all the nitty gritty and crap of our messy lives.

Divinyl · 18/09/2011 16:36

No, you're not being unreasonable at all. Many of the comments on this thread are valid, however. I guess it also depends on how open minded you would be with, or conversely how uncomfortable with, feeling 'authentic' enough to stand your ground politely with people who are 101% committed around you, perhaps ever so slightly batty, and who may consider you someone they are keen to convert (that won't be full on from the start so please don't be put off by that). However, there will also definitely be a lot of people who are in the same boat as you and coming out of the same motivations. I am glad you got such a suitable welcome for you - hopefully this bodes well for you finding it to be a place you and your family can enjoy and fit in with. Do be proactive and talk to people if you do go - I have regularly felt like a bit of a lemon in churches because Im pretty shy and much prefer to wait to be talked TO, but it works out so much better if you get a window to strike up a conversation.

mumeeee · 18/09/2011 16:36

YANBU. The church I attend wouldn't turn away an unbeliever.

onagar · 18/09/2011 16:48

I'm an atheist and I have no problem with you going to a church to hear the nice hymns (I like some hymns) or for company.

It might get sticky though if you don't say so from the start. If people assume you are a believer and you don't correct them you may find yourself pretending to believe to be polite. Then it becomes kind of 'dishonest' which would spoil it. No problem if you are straight about it.

Are there any other local groups? - for the company part of that I mean. You won't get singing elsewhere unless you join a choir.

Purplebuns · 18/09/2011 16:55

Funny I was talking about this to someone I know who is the wife of the vicar at one of the churches, and she said a lot of people go just for something to do on a Sunday! And they are more than happy with it :)

nokissymum · 18/09/2011 16:56

Just to add my two pence worth as a regular church goer,

Church is not just for "christians" its for everybody regardless of wether your parents are christian, or wether you were baptised at birth or wether you believe in Christ or not, you could be a hindu, you would still be welcome. id be shocked if a church had any particular criteria for attending.

What you're motivation for attending is doesnt matter either, wether is art displays or the dare i say the "very fit" preacher, we're always looking for new flock

There's always some nosey bugger at church wanting to know the in and outs of everyones life ! Dont feel compelled, just come back quick and short and make your excuses aka "if you dont mind i need to see the preacher now"!

Please do come back and tell us how it all went.

ZZZenAgain · 18/09/2011 16:58

if the preacher is young and fit, that's probably what everyone says

ZZZenAgain · 18/09/2011 17:00

ours is about 78

onagar · 18/09/2011 17:01

Completely off topic, but as an atheist I am very pleased to hear that most people who go to church don't believe in god either. :o

ThePosieParker · 18/09/2011 17:03

I bet you'll find it uncomfortable.

ZZZenAgain · 18/09/2011 17:06

I don't know if that is the case but I do, haven't been atheist for a long time now . Churches I have been to overseas attract expats not only for spiritiual reasons though, some people have a vague affinity with the religion but are there because they feel cut off and isolated. I think that also happens when you are not an expat. We have a lot of lonely people everywhere. My impression tbh is that at my own church the regular church-goers have a strong faith. You cannot see inside people but that is the impression I get.

I have attended a lot of churches of other denomations too and generally my impression has been that there is a strong core of people that holds the whole thing together and others are less involved or attend with a varying range of spiritual I don't know what zeal perhaps.

BakeliteBelle · 18/09/2011 17:11

Our local church used to have services of meditation for people of all faiths and non-believers. I think they recognised that in an area full of atheists, there were nontheless a lot of people who wanted to be connected with others in their local community, and who wanted some sort of spiritual enrichment and space to think in a beautiful setting. There were also lots of people like me, who had been brought up in the Church, moved away due to non-belief, but who still yearned for that community. The next vicar decided this sort of thing was wrong and not Christian so they scrapped it. Needless to say, the Church struggles badly with bums on seats.

Go, and try not to be alarmed by the 'Jesus Army' types who want to suck you in and convert. Be perfectly honest about your motives and just let them know that you really appreciate being part of the Church community and being in a lovely building.

MrsCog · 18/09/2011 17:12

Lol at the people suggesting you should be upfront about not believing - I do believe in God, but if I was at church and someone said 'I actually don't believe in God' etc. I would think 'whoooah what's with all the deep religious talk! Let's get a cup of tea instead!'

nokissymum · 18/09/2011 17:15

Onagar _ like zen says, within most churches. You have the core, these are the committed Christians who do believe, the help the church to keep running, hen you have those who just pop in now and again. So i disagree that most who attend do not belive in God! And dont know what research this is based on.

Zen, our preacher IS young and fit! And i know several others

Sorry OP dont mean to derail you thread.

madhairday · 18/09/2011 17:16

Don't think that is the case, onagar, but if it was it would at least mean that the church was managing to communicate enough with the culture and being welcoming, which couldn't be a bad thing really, and I wish it would be more the case in general.

troisgarcons · 18/09/2011 17:18

Churches are very comforting places. I like going now and again. Mind you I do have faith. I don't however believe in most of the bible per se - it's stories handed down to try and explain things that science had no answer for. Eg Adams rib etc - and they appear one way or another in most cultures in one vein or another. But that doesnt mean I can't believe in God!

incidentally, I work with a science teacher who is a rip roaring baptist, of the brimstone and fire variety - I asked how he could reconcile teaching science that conflicted with his religious belief.... his answer "the curriculum is all lies , this is just one more I have to deal with!"

GloriaVanderbilt · 18/09/2011 17:23

i'd find it very uncomfortable to go because I'm always afraid the other people there want to convert me by stealth.

Sorry

SardineQueen · 18/09/2011 17:23

I also counsel against going in and announcing that you don't believe!

No-one will ask. It doesn't matter. If anyone does ask why you decided to come, the fact that your DCs go to the school that is linked with the church is ample reason

cherrysodalover · 18/09/2011 17:28

Look there are even vicars in the Cof E who do not believe in God- well they call it an anti realist view but essentially it is a long way from the standard Christian or evangelical view so I am sure you would be quite welcome-Obvioulsy those vicars are a minority but a lot of people who go to C of E are just working it out through going somehow,which is what is so admirable about them- they really are inclusive and non dogmatic unlike the 'evangelical' churches.

MrsRobertDuvall · 18/09/2011 17:29

I would like church if the religion bit wasn't there.
I like the idea of community, people helping each other....but don't want Jesus.

MrsCog · 18/09/2011 17:31

MrsRD why not just go and ignore the Jesus bit? The community/helping each other thing is the main part of my faith. I tend to ignore the rules/bible etc!

cherrysodalover · 18/09/2011 17:31

PS My mum goes and she causes a real stir when she goes to the little cell groups and announces-"There is no afterlife- the resurrection is a spiritual metaphor for the richer life you lead when you love unconditionally."It is not the standard view but I doubt she is the only one.

troisgarcons · 18/09/2011 17:35

Jesus was a lovely old Hippy! all that love. Never too sure about the Old Testament though! Far to much eye-for-an-eyeing going on!

Village life is very different to city life (without stating the obvious) its much closer knit and often the church is the focal point (well that and the local pub). A lot of these people might be perceived as busybodies with a nose in everyones business BUT when teh chips are down and your back is against the wall, it is these people who rally round, support and help amazingly.

startwig1982 · 18/09/2011 17:44

As a regular church goer and Christian, I would definitely go and see what you think! Most people at any church are warm and welcoming and won't ask you your views(at least not until you're comfortable with being there). I would say that there is a great variety of faiths at church: some are convinced, sure in their faith christians, and others are just starting out and learning along the way. No-one will have expectations of you to start taking the service or reading, so just relax and enjoy the brilliance of being in God's company!

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