To not want my DS to go and live in a different country if I die?

[Zoggsrus]

need to write our will, which I have been putting off as I know it will not be pretty
DH just admitted that if I were to die he would take DS back to NZ, where he is from.
Where he (DS) knows nobody and has zero family.
In England he has very close family who see him a lot and he loves, talks about constantly,
I don't want this, could I stipulate this in the will?
I can't even bear to talk to him about it at the moment

Hmm, OP, if you think your DH is very selfish and doesn't have your child's best interest at heart you have a very concrete problem in the here and now while you're still totally alive and kicking. That is something you can and should work on.

On the other hand, the idea of wanting to determine what others can and cannot do even beyond your death strikes me as not entirely unselfish in itself. And that's really putting it rather mildly.

If my DH died while we were in his country, I can promise you that I'd be on the first flight to London. Not because it is my dearest wish to upset children, in-laws and everybody I know but because it's not where I would feel happy and supported and able to live my life according to my own ideas without him. Not to mention that my Arabic sucks majorly.

Thankfully children are rather more resilient to these kinds of events than we tend to think. DSis and I moved country twice during our childhood. Neither of us is scarred for life. We are both bilingual, though. It's generally considered a good thing.

Also: don't get too upset about this. Or about the idea that you may not be able to do anything if you are dead. Firstly, there is every chance you will not be dead. Secondly, if you are actually dead you won't even think about these things because, err, you're dead.

I think the death scenario is bringing up the other issues, really, though, so it's not odd at all.

If I were concerned that my husband were a bad father, then the thought of leaving the world such that he would have full responsibility for MY CHILD would be terrifying.

Because if you're in a bad marriage, the bargaining thoughts go like this:

Wow, this marriage kind of sucks. But it would be so bad for DS to come from a broken home, logistics, finances, shared custody, etc. At least if I stay I can dedicate all my time and love to him. Better than having to hand him over to his Dad at weekends to be shouted at. I should stay, give him stability, protect him.
What if I die? Well. Shit. Well, at least DS will have his grandparents and our mutual friends to look out for him, he can spend weekends there and if his home life isn't great he's got people to confide in. Maybe even, if it's too bad, when he gets older he can stay there?
Oh, except that DH will move to the other side of the world. And he's a bad parent. Which means DS will be all alone with a bad parent. And there's nothing I can say to DH to make him see that this will be bad for his son. And there's nothing I can do legally to bind him to acting in what I perceive to be DS's best wishes.
That can't be right. It can't be right that I'm a nice person and love my son so much and so many other people love him as well and yet if I die there is nothing I can do to protect him.
People must be misunderstanding my posts. It can't be right that there's nothing I can do. It CAN'T BE.

I think that is a good assessment of the situation where the father is not great.

I know that if DH were to die, I'd probably end up going back to the UK as well, if it was in the next few years. But if it was more like 10 years, I'd probably stay, tbh. Because things could change so much in that time - Dad might not be alive any more and if I'm completely honest he IS my biggest draw to the UK. And in 10y time, DS will have been in the school system here for 8y and will have good friends (as should I).

If we were both to die in some kind of horrific accident, we have sort of decided that DS should go to DH's cousin, who has 3 DC, one of whom is only 3m older than DS. We couldn't send him back to the UK on his own - how cruel would that be?

mumble is right though - we have delayed and delayed making our Wills because of this issue.

If I were to die suddenly for whatever reason, there would be no question - DS would stay here. But I would have to make some kind of stipulation that DH should take him back to the UK to see his family over there at least every other year - it would be tragic for DS and my Dad (assuming he outlived me) to miss out on their relationship.

It's so hard with these international relationships. I do feel for you, OP, I really do.

Tortoise sums it up really.

If you are in a crap relationship, then you're in a crap relationship- end of. The chances of you dying while your ds is a minor are slim- so its not worth getting in a total stress over. But if you feel that your dh isn't a good parent and doesn't have your Childs interests at heart, that's a whole separate matter. That will be having an impact while you're alive- not just in the remote event that you die soon.

Tbh I find threads like this a bit strange. You describe your dh as selfish- but YOU chose to partner him and have a child with him. Are you saying he's good enough to father a child but not good enough to parent that child?

It's "the will person's", i.e. a solicitor, job to help you hash this out. Get some recommendations from friends and go see one.

How can you be married to someone you don't trust? That's the part I don't get. And I know it has nothing to do with the question you asked. I answered that in my first paragraph.

Oh, come on, don't blame the OP for not realising that her partner wasn't going to make a good father. I think a lot of people have been able to paper over the cracks until DC come alone, and only realise the full extent of their selfishness or whatever afterwards.

It's emotive to call it 'blame'. I'd prefer 'taking responsibility' myself. I just see it that the op is in the same position as all of us. You meet someone, you enter into a relationship with them, and if you decide you want ro raise children together you embark on parenthood. None of us know our partner totally- but I don't buy into this idea of women being poor victims who are at the mercy of men, and who don't have any control or choice about their lives. I also think if you decide to have children with someone from another country or culture, thats part of the package isn't it? You know that to a certain degree You will need to embrace that culture and the implications of partnering that person.

I still think this is so theoretical anyway that the issue of dying is not worth stressing over. I mean, there are many of us in' very happy and stable partnerships who could stress over the same type of thing. If dh and me had been killed in some awful accident, there could have been no great outcome for our kids, as there were no grandparents or aunts/uncles able to care for them.

If your situation is really so dire, I would be thinking about the effect such a poor relationship is having on your son now, not in the unlikely event of your death

Try not to die.

Tortoise has summarised the problem very well.

It is an issue that most international couples have - what happens if something happens to the other partner.

The only reason it is worrying you so much is that you cannot trust your DH to act in the best interest of your DS.

And writing a will is not going to solve that problem.

Tortoise has explained it all beautifully. The problem that you have is one with your DH -that is the one that needs to be sorted out.

Tortoise, thank you so much. You have summarised it very well.

Donthateme- I didn't go into this relationship thinking that dh was a selfish pig that would never take to his children
We loved each other, both wanted a family and there was always a plan to go to Aus or NZ when the time was right
Plans change, it's only really since DS had come along that I have realised how deep his selfishness is. He has shown his true colours. And I have tried and tried, I am exhausted.
I dont think our relationship will last unless he changes, and we dont seem to be top priority.