To not want my DS to go and live in a different country if I die?

[Zoggsrus]

need to write our will, which I have been putting off as I know it will not be pretty
DH just admitted that if I were to die he would take DS back to NZ, where he is from.
Where he (DS) knows nobody and has zero family.
In England he has very close family who see him a lot and he loves, talks about constantly,
I don't want this, could I stipulate this in the will?
I can't even bear to talk to him about it at the moment

OP, in this situation, understanding how you feel is not the same as giving you practical advice.

Of course the thought of your ds never seeing your family if you were no longer here is hard for you to think about. But it's one of those things that no matter how much you worry about it, you have no real control over. And it's not worth worrying about things that may never happen.

So what you need to focus on is what you do have control over. You may be able to ensure that some of your money goes to your parents. You can certainly express your wishes in your will, and hope that those will be respected in the event of your death.

You also need to remember that you are thinking of your ds as he is now, and presumably this will will be in effect for a number of years. By which time, your ds could be doing exams, and your dh would have a better realtionship with him so would be better placed to see what is best for him. Even if your dh is selfish, he could still decide your ds needs to stay put while he finishes education. He may decide to move and it could be a great thing for your ds. Wherever he is he would have to deal with life without you, but maybe it wouldn't be as bad as you think for him in NZ.

FWIW, I do understand, I have will issues of my own, and I worry about how much my mum would get to see my dc if they went to their Dad (who is a great Dad, but we're not together) But I do think that when someone dies, things change dramatically, differences get put aside when people realise what is most important. Before the tragedy happens, you can't predict what will happen with any accuracy at all, you really can't.

Aibu is not hard because I want to be right, it's hard because everyone argues with every tiny thing you say, and things seem to be very misconstrued.. But I accept that might be cos I am not explaining it right.

I don't think it is being misconstrued-you are explaining it fine. I understand your feelings.I used to be terrified that I would die before they were old enough to do without me. I got in a terrible state when I had to have an operation -I even wrote a farewell letter, that I luckily got to tear up without anyone knowing that I had done it! I do understand totally. HOWEVER the fact is there is nothing you can do.
You need to improve DHs relationship with DC-get him to be more hands on. Get out and leave him to it without hovering.
There is no point in worrying. If you want to do something constructive you could make a memory box for DC with photos of his extended family etc.
I am really not being cruel-I feel a bit brutal writing- this but it is the truth.
I kept in close contact with DH1's family but I could have moved across the world and just not talked to DS about grandparents.

1. You won't die until you're about 80 so this is not likely to be a real issue.
2. Once children are about 13 - 15 they can decide where they live so he coudl probably resist his father's attempts to take him abroad at that age and you could p rime him for that and have a UK family member who would take him in near his current school or his 11+ school.
3. You can write a letter of wishes with your will which although not binding could indicate you want him left in the UK and the executors might take account of it BUT the father will normally have the choice.
4. You could build up a dossier of why he is a terrible father and give it to your sister or family to use after death in conjunction with your letter of wishes etc so they could apply to court to ensure he is not taking away with someone who is dradful and abu sive. It's not hard to make a case about that.

1. on the other hand it might just be better to think wha a nice chance it might be for him tio be there, talk to his father baout if the boy is say 13 by then and wants to stay here fot GCSEs perhaps he could lodge with family and come out all holidays to NZ etc etc

so if your oh kicks the bucket and then decrees that you must now do x y & z, you will meekly go along with that, regardless?

you say he just admitted that if you were to die he would take ds back to NZ with him.

This may have just been a knee-jerk reaction to an abstract question. It may well be that he would not do this. You say he is only in the UK because he wants the better wage. Why would that change if he were a widower? Why would he no longer want the higher income and be prepared to work for less?

I think you are worrying about something that may well never happen. Unless there are concrete reasons for you to be worrying atm about dying young, this is all not really something to get too upset about IMO.

Does your dh not get on with your family? Is that part of it?

that's an interesting one Xenia's number 5

Xenia points sum it up well. You have only got to go a few more years for DCs views to be taken into account.

One solution you might have overlooked.

You say you have a large insurance policy and that is why if you die he will be 'free' to return to NZ, otherwise he prefers to be here earning lots of money.

So cancel the insurance policy. Then if you do die he will still be stuck here earning lots of money and will not want to leave as money is what motivates him.

I think you need to be more worried about why you're still with this man than what might happen if you die when your son is still really young.

TBH, if it´s mainly contact with your parents that you are thinking of, he could move within UK & make it difficult for them to see their GS, or be nearby & still make it almost impossible.

I don't see that it is any different if he moves 20 miles away and married a woman who doesn't want any part of his previous life. Keeping the contact is more important than the geography.

It is difficult when international couples split.

But when one dies the other has to be left to do what s/he thinks best. You can appoint testamentary guardians but their wishes would count for very little. Nobody will stop a widowed parent taking minor children to a civilised and safe country of which s/he is a citizen.

That is how it is and you are therefore worrying about something which is very unlikely to happen and which you cannot prevent. So stop worrying, make your will confining it to questions of property, and get on with your life.

I don't see how you could stop him taking your DS to live abroad if you died. However, if maintaining contact with your parents is your key concern, you could leave a significant sum to them so that they could afford airfares etc. You are not obliged to leave your estate to DH or DS (I think there's a minimum amt that they are entitled to, but nothing beyond that).

i understand how you feel, i too have a split family, though only 300 miles appart one on the mainland and one on an island. I brought my dd to the island to be with DH family because i was scared that, if i died on the mainland, my daughter would be taken away from everything she knew to the island, and would have to deal with new schools etc without me.
However the best thing for my DD is to be with her father and her fathers family so we have moved to the island. I miss my family of course, but it is whats best for my DD. I'm sure that your DH loves his son and would do whatever he thought was best at the time. I'm sure if he felt staying put was for the best he would.

i know my previous post sounds contradictory, but it worked for us and it will work out for you. i think you are more worried about leaving you DS than anything else. His dad will take care of him.

Or even better put the insurance policy in trust only for your son and only to be used in the UK and with your family not your husband as trustees so the boy h as the money and only in the UK.

If, in the remotest chance, that you were to die... even IF your son were to go to NZ with his dad (who he would most likely WANT to be with no matter where they were in the world), it is only a day in a plane away, and there are easy ways to skype and keep in touch with relatives on the other side of the world..

Zoggs - much sympathy. It took me 3 goes (at least) having the Will conversation with DH and our situation is so much simpler! Every time we tried to discuss rationally the care of my boys if I or we both died had me welling up and I refused to talk about it.

You aren't being unreasonable to want your son to stay where he is settled and happy but you are being unreasonable to place restrictions on your husband's movements / parenting. Just remember that it's extremely unlikely to happen and in all probability your son will be making his own decisions about where and with whom he lives by the time your Will is needed.

I live in my DH's country and would go back to the UK if he died (with DD). If I found out that DH had an insurance policy which controlled me from beyond the grave, I would be utterly horrified. If you do not trust this person to parent your DS, do not be with him. I really do not understand your attitude and TBH it is making me quite sad. I gave up living where I wanted, a job I loved and my own place to come here and be with DH (and have DD). If I thought that, grieving and lonely, I couldn't make the choice to take DD where I chose AS HER PARENT, that would be devastating. Home is where her parents are. If DH died that would be me.

I think more important is for you to have a very long discussion, probably with a counsellor, about your feelings about your relationship with DH and his with DS.

With the exchange rate the way it currently Is, your dh could probably be earning just as much in NZ/Aus!

OP- Whilst you are both alive, you and your DH share parental responsibility. If your DH dies, you will have sole responsibility. If you die, he has sole responsibility.

I am sorry OP, what stands out for me is that you appear to have problems communicating with your DH. You say you cannot even bear to talk to him about it. Don't you see that this could be part of the problem?? The only way for your DH to (perhaps) come around to your way of thinking will be through talking to him, BUT you will both need to be calm, cool and collected.

If you are angry and emotional, you won't achieve much. Another option might be to involve a third party to do some mediation.

You have said that what matters to you is your ds's relationship with your family but you seem much less concerned about ds's relationship with his own father.

What do you want people to say?

YANBU to not want your DH to take him away, but there isn't anything you can do about it.

That's it really.

Nothing else can be said because there isn't any other option here. You will be dead, you will no longer have any legal say in what happens. You can pop a clause in the Will and it may be taken into consideration, but it can't overrule your DH's PR.

It is odd that you are so worried about this particular issue when from what you have posted you have more clear and present problems to sort out.