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Original poster

To not want my DS to go and live in a different country if I die?

136 replies

Zoggsrus · 18/09/2011 12:16

need to write our will, which I have been putting off as I know it will not be pretty
DH just admitted that if I were to die he would take DS back to NZ, where he is from.
Where he (DS) knows nobody and has zero family.
In England he has very close family who see him a lot and he loves, talks about constantly,
I don't want this, could I stipulate this in the will?
I can't even bear to talk to him about it at the moment

OP posts:
laptopdancer · 18/09/2011 12:51

Personally I think there is nothing more selfish than restricting your husband from trying to give his child the upbringing he had in his home country when you are dead. Perhaps he truly sees that the opportunities for your son would be greater and that he might be brought up in a country that doesnt have one of the lowest child happinest rates in europe.

I think you need to maybe think about what is making your husband stay here. If you were to die and he would leave right away, maybe he isnt happy in old blighty. Maybe thats what you should be thinking and talking about.

laptopdancer · 18/09/2011 12:52

happinest? lol

happiness

Mitmoo · 18/09/2011 12:52

Zogg If you don't want telling that you'll be dead isn't that unusual being as your thread is about your will.

I am not recommending this for a second but if you feel that strongly identify a family member who would want to take him in, get their agreement to fight your husband in court for residency of the child if you die and really screw them all over.

Seriously you might not want to hear it but you'll be dead. Your husband can do as he likes.

Don't you trust him to do what's best for your son?

mumblechum1 · 18/09/2011 12:54

OP, you can PM me if you want more information from a legal perspective.

I do understand how sensitive this topic is, but as I say, you can at least express your wishes in your will, even though they won't be binding on your dh.

mumblechum1 · 18/09/2011 12:55

And also, People, People - very few children are orphaned, or lose just their mum before they're 18

laptopdancer · 18/09/2011 12:56

I cant imagine how awful it would be to feel trapped in country i didnt want to be in because someone stipulated Imy son couldnt leave.

That would be my idea of hell.

Mitmoo · 18/09/2011 12:56

I also think the the OPs husband is being selfless if he wants to return to NZ but is stopping here to be with his wife and child. Ridiculous to try to control your ex when your dead to be frank.

carabos · 18/09/2011 12:59

OP I wonder if this anxiety about what happens after your hypothetical early death is not a displaced anxiety about something that is happening now? You describe your DH as "very selfish", but really, is there anything more selfish than trying to control what happens when you are dead? Perhaps you both need to consider what is at issue in the here and now?

Original poster
Zoggsrus · 18/09/2011 13:05

Mitmoo I have actually said that I don't trust my husband to have ds's best interests at heart, and the last thing I want for DS is some kind of court battle.
Laptopdancer, there are a number of factors keeping DH here. It is not feasible for him/us to go back to NZ now. However, if I died the main financial situation would change and he would be free to go back to NZ

OP posts:
diddl · 18/09/2011 13:06

I think I would be concerned that your husband is so unhappy where he is that he would go to a place where he has no family, friends & job.

mumblechum1 · 18/09/2011 13:06

OP, how old is your ds?

laptopdancer · 18/09/2011 13:07

zoggs thats my point. Would you want to trap your husband in a place he iw only in because of you and financial situations.

the fact he would be "free" to go speaks volumes

Rosa · 18/09/2011 13:07

If my dh dies then I would yes probably up my 2 dds and go back to the Uk. (I hope I never have to make that choice.)Despite they have been born abroad and have a circle of friends and some family here. Yes it is all they have known apart from holidays but I am still the foreigner here whatever I do. If both of us die then we would like our dds to be brought up by my sister and family in the UK so we would be doing the same thing......
I know where your dh is coming from .

Laquitar · 18/09/2011 13:09

I have diiscussed this with my dh too.

Assuming that your dh is a decent person then he will keep in touch with your family and your country and he will try to arrange visits etc.

Unless you don't trust him at all.

diddl · 18/09/2011 13:11

We´re in Germany atm & I´d want to go back to England.

Both sets of GPs are there, I have good friends there still.

It would depend on schooling as to whether or not it would happen immediately.

Original poster
Zoggsrus · 18/09/2011 13:12

Well carabos, I think it's fair to say that if you don't trust your husband to look after your child after you are gone, that there are a few bigger issues!!
Our relationship isn't wonderful, lots of stresses right now, but one of the things that upsets me is that he rarely sees DS and when he does, he seems to just annoy him.
I took DS for swimming lesson this morning, dh came along because I can't go next week, and he just seemed to tell DS off all the time.
DS can be a handful but he wasn't badly Behaved today.
I just worry about how he will be with him.

OP posts:
laptopdancer · 18/09/2011 13:12

Do you ever plan to go to live in NZ (while you are alive and old) OP?

Birdsgottafly · 18/09/2011 13:13

Op i take it then that your DS is still a baby, you have to remember that pretty soon he will be a person in his own right and neither of you will be making all of the decisions. He will develop or not, his own relationship with your family and it will be upto him whether he keeps in touch, unless your DH has a memory zapping gun, as in 'men in black'. If moving to NZ appealed to your DS, would you go?

Birdsgottafly · 18/09/2011 13:14

X posts, how old is your DS?

Mitmoo · 18/09/2011 13:15

If you don't trust your husband to have your sons best interest at heart, I wouldn't waste time fretting over a will, I'd be fixing that.

Original poster
Zoggsrus · 18/09/2011 13:16

Diddl, he has lots of friends there, no family, and he could get a job, but not the high pAying job he has now
That's his choice, he chooses to stay in this country to earn the money he thinks is important.
DS is 4.

I'm not trapping him laptopdancer, the standards he has set for himself are trapping him

OP posts:
laptopdancer · 18/09/2011 13:17

But as soon as you are dead he would leave?

RCToday · 18/09/2011 13:18

I am single parent and if anything happened to me my DS would have to live in a different country away from my family

I have accepted that now and as much as I dislike and disagree with my EX, DS will be better off being with his Dad, whatever decisions his Dad makes, selfish twat that he is

diddl · 18/09/2011 13:21

"That's his choice, he chooses to stay in this country to earn the money he thinks is important."

Well if it´s that important, why does it seem that he would leave asap?

Also, why would staying in UK(?) definitely be in the best interests of your son & a new life in NZ not?

Original poster
Zoggsrus · 18/09/2011 13:22

Yes laptop, because he would have money, I said that
That's his main motivation in life, not DS

OP posts:
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