To not want my DS to go and live in a different country if I die?

[Zoggsrus]

need to write our will, which I have been putting off as I know it will not be pretty
DH just admitted that if I were to die he would take DS back to NZ, where he is from.
Where he (DS) knows nobody and has zero family.
In England he has very close family who see him a lot and he loves, talks about constantly,
I don't want this, could I stipulate this in the will?
I can't even bear to talk to him about it at the moment

Work on you relationship now-go to parenting classes together.

The only person that you need to thrash it out with is DH-a will person can't do anything but reflect both your wishes. Imagine DH saying -if I die I want him to go to my friends in NZ!! The surviving parent calls the shots.

I am in the same situation as RC DS father (who hasn't seen him for 4 1/2 years) would become his guardian. We both asked my sister if she would when DS was born if something should happen to both of us.

I am hoping to stay around long enough until DS is old enough to have a say (he'll want Nanny) then start living a life that's fast and loose.

Yes diddl, that's the big picture. But if it were just down the road, DS would have more of a chance to see his family.

Obviously my husband and I have issues, but whilst we sort those out( whatever the outcome) we should still have a will, so it's a tricky situation to be in

My DH died when my DS was a baby-I have done what I thought best-I certainly wouldn't have wanted to fit in with someone beyond the grave!

Exotic, I mean we need to have it sorted before we go and see the will writer, and not end up thrashing it out in front of them.

OP i have stated the facts, your DS will build his relationship with the family, he will soon be old enogh to choose if he stays in touch, surely his cousins have the internet.

At 14 he can live with who he wants.

Depending on how your insurance is written, you can aportion it out, possibly.

This is a load of 'what if', there isn't an answer. I have seen residency awarded to where the child wants to live, what is in the childs best interests and whether the surviving parent wants to fight for them, i have known some parents to take the money and run. I have also seen family members spend the money and dump the child.

Professional advice so I can try to ensure that DS maintains his relationship with his grandparents. Why on earth is that so bad?

I don't see how you are going to sort it out first-you are telling a New Zealander he can only go home without his DC. If I was living in a different country because of marriage I may well want to return home if the marriage has ended because of death and as the parent I certainly wouldn't go alone.

Is the relationship with your family and DH so bad that he would cut them off?

OP I think there is a LOT more to this than the will - from what I can tell you would be pretty horrified at the thought of your DH being sole parent for your DS even if it were in this country - it's just the NZ thing which makes it much starker because he would see your parents so rarely. I think all you can do is ensure you have made sufficient financial provision for your parents to travel to NZ. That said I would suggest some relationship counselling may be a higher priority than making a will.

OP: I think you've probably had all the advice about legalities and wills that you're going to get from here.

You have alluded to wider issues, but these probably won't get considered as they've emerged mid-thread and are likely to get overlooked. If they are things you think posting on MN might help you consider, could I suggest a second thread (perhaps in Relationships)?

"Exotic, I mean we need to have it sorted before we go and see the will writer, and not end up thrashing it out in front of them." but op there is nothing to thrash out. You have no say in what happens to your ds if you die before your dh. It really is that simple. You can ask to put something in the will to maintain contact with your family but this is not legally enforceable and is therefore tbh pointless.

If there are current issues with your dh then these obviously need addressing. but even if you were to separate you would have no legal say in what happened to your ds should you die, because your dh would be the surviving parent with all the legal rights and responsibilities.

You asked if you were being unreasonable - no-one here is trying to upset you. YOu can't start claiming people aren't reading properly when they don't tell you what you want to hear. yes, you are being unreasonable, you will be dead and to try to dictate this sort of thing from beyond the grave is beyond unreasonable.

Just think about it for a minute - imagine if you could legally stipulate that your ds couldn't leave the country with your dh, where do you think a line should be drawn? Should a mother (or father for that matter) be allowed to stipulate that a surviving spouse shouldn't be allowed to remarry because they wouldn't want another woman raising their child? just by way of an example. Such stipulations would just be a slippery slope and would (and should) never be workable.

People aren't listening because in my 4th post I said my wishes will just have to suffice. Ie. I know I can't force him to live in this country, I'm not happy about it, but I know there is nothing I can do. As long as somewhere my wishes are noted, that will have to be enough.

No-one on here can really put themselves in my position as they really don't know the details
All I am saying is that it makes me very unhappy to think that if I died tomorrow, my DS would have very limited contact with my family

I'm definitely not communicating my feelings properly here, lots of things have been twisted and it was not what I intended to say

I'm not flouncing because no-one is agreeing with me, lots of people have been very helpful and constructive,
And I completely understand that I can't really control what happens after I die, but I do think that calling me selfish and controlling means that some posters haven't understood my sentiments at all.

I look after my DS 99.9% of the time.
Dh doesn't do the parenting. He doesn't really know DS,
And believe me I have tried and tried to fix this, and ben on the relationships topic before. The advice is always to leave him.
We are still together and we need a will.

"Is the relationship with your family and DH so bad that he would cut them off?"

True.

Also, might he not want to be near GPs for help?

I can put myself in the position of your husband though zoggs

Seriously I think you are being hysterical.

You are unlikely to die before your child is 18.

Get a grip.

Irrespective his father is his next of kin after you, there will be nothing you can do about it at all. Matters not what you put in a will.

And you may get a rude shock shen your son gets to about 7 and its all about daddy rather than all about mummy. Some men, my dh included, just arent good at little kids. Mine didnt really know his son at all until her got older and now they are so close, im the outsider in some ways. (not really but ykwim) As it should be, boy needs his dad.

His relationship with my family is a whole other thread!

Can I just say I am not hysterical, nor frantic and I am not still arguing my original op, I an answering questions from points above and trying to explain where people have asked for more info.

God, aibu is hard!!

So your son is half kiwi, he has a right to know where he's from.

Your parents, the grandparents. Making contact will be up to them. It has to come from them.

Tiffany, we are very much a kiwi household. DS can do the haka!! I know how important that is and I would never ever deny that.

I think that you are just worrying about things way outside your control. When my DH died I maintained very good links with his extended family and when I remarried they just became part of my new one. They came to stay and DS went to his paternal grandparents. I thought it important. Sadly I could have cut them off-it is just a fact of life.

If you die your DH may marry again and they will become parents to your DC, another woman will be doing the mothering.

I am not saying this to distress you, but they are facts. You are not senior parent to decide things-you are equal parent and you will be gone.

The only thing to do is involve DH more in the life of his DC-go away for a night and leave him to manage on his own. Send them out together to bond. Get your DH to see your family on his own, so that he has a relationship that is outside you. Start a fund for your parent's NZ holiday if he does go back. Make sure they know how to Skype.

I expect that your parents will die before you and you will see him through to adulthood. In the meantime do what you can to improve things with DH and don't worry abou the things that you can't change or control.

God, aibu is hard!!

There is no point if people tell you what you want to hear! It is hard-there is no magic solution. There is one fact-you are equal parents with parental rights-if one dies the other gets all those rights and you can't keep yours beyond the grave.

thing is that I imagine there are loads of women on here that have awful relationships with their dh's families (you only have to read the mil threads on here) who probably wouldn't maintain contact with them if their dh's died.

Incidentally I read a post on here from someone once who was adament that her dh should not remarry in the event of her death - she said that she had told him he must mourn her until he died and that remarrying would be a betrayal as bad as if he'd had an affair. And yes, she was deadly serious!