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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DS to go and live in a different country if I die?

136 replies

Zoggsrus · 18/09/2011 12:16

need to write our will, which I have been putting off as I know it will not be pretty
DH just admitted that if I were to die he would take DS back to NZ, where he is from.
Where he (DS) knows nobody and has zero family.
In England he has very close family who see him a lot and he loves, talks about constantly,
I don't want this, could I stipulate this in the will?
I can't even bear to talk to him about it at the moment

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 18/09/2011 13:22

As said within a year your DS will be settled into a school and foster his own relationship with family. Within 8 years your DS has a choice, you are worrying unnecessarily.

You can state your wishes and why, in a living will. Check the terms of your insurance, there is the facility to portion it out, in some cases.

MumblingRagDoll · 18/09/2011 13:23

My DH is Australian and I have always known and accepted that if I died he would take our DC back....he should have the right too! Why would you deprive a lone parent of living where he wants?

Birdsgottafly · 18/09/2011 13:23

Why are you still with him?

Birdsgottafly · 18/09/2011 13:26

This is a straight foerward issue of the OP's DH not acting in the best interests of their DS, or taking her wishes/feelings on board. Personally i wouldn't be married to such a man. However he is being honest, which is good because he could tell her anything, to shut her up and get the will signed.

laptopdancer · 18/09/2011 13:26

OP I think YABU, totally.

BOMBAYANDMJONICE · 18/09/2011 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

laptopdancer · 18/09/2011 13:27

How do you know that taking him to his home country isnt in the child;s best interest?

laptopdancer · 18/09/2011 13:27

I agree bombay

wannaBe · 18/09/2011 13:28

"To those telling me I will be dead, nothing I can do that's not very comforting, please don't respond with that same view, it hurts" would you rather have had a thread with no responses then? Because there really is nothing you can do. And in all honesty, even if you stipulate certain wishes in your will, you will be dead, and will not know, so there is no point getting upset about it in the here and now because this is stuff that will be beyond your control in the event of your untimely demise.

Assuming only you die your dh will be the surviving parent and what he then does will be none of anyone else's business really - extended family have no legal rights to children. And even if you stipulate continued contact in your will there is no legal way to enforce this, especially if your dh were to leave the country.

What you need to question really isn't so much whether you could stop your dh leaving the country, but why you would feel the need to try to legally stipulate that he maintain contact with your extended family for ds. If dh died I wouldn't need telling that I had to maintain contact with ILs (ds' grandparents) - it wouldn't occur to me not to. iyswim.

Birdsgottafly · 18/09/2011 13:30

Laptop-if that was at me, it wouldn't be in his interests, straight after the DM's death, if the child has close family/friends here and none there. However later on a new start might be what they need. Speaking as someone who was widowed with 3 DD's and 5 SDC's.

laptopdancer · 18/09/2011 13:31

Yes, straight away I agree with. Long term is what I was looking at.

laptopdancer · 18/09/2011 13:32

OP you should ask your husband where he wants to be buried. I'll wager its not UK.

MumblingRagDoll · 18/09/2011 13:35

Zogg...you're worrying too much....worrying about your DS adjustinng to a situation that may never happen!

My DD is 7 and has just moved UK shools....she may have to move again next year f we have to go to Oz to work...then we'll be back in time for secondary.....I have seen tonnes of kids adjust to all kinds of moves and they just get on with it.

I worry a bit too...but you need to chill!

Birdsgottafly · 18/09/2011 13:36

This is getting a bit heavy for a hypothetical dilemma.

eurochick · 18/09/2011 13:36

I don't think you can prevent this and I don't think you should want to.

Planes exist so there can still be contact with grandparents.

If you were to die, it is likely that your son's relationship with his father would change unrecognisably.

In any case, you are worrying about something that is highly unlikely to happen.

notherdaynotherdollar · 18/09/2011 13:36

you will be dead

zero

gone

nada

you wont know

exoticfruits · 18/09/2011 13:39

Once you are dead you can't really do anything-you DH will have legal responsibility. I shouldn't worry about it-DCs are very adaptable, NZ is a great place to bring up DCs and you will most likely be here anyway-or DH will die first and then you can appoint your own guardians.
I'm sure that if it was the other way around and you were living in NZ would want to go home if DH wasn't around any more.
If you are really worried you could all go to NZ now and then it wouldn't be strange to DC.

ChippingIn · 18/09/2011 13:58

notherdaynotherdollar - very helpful Hmm... do be a dear....

Original poster
Zoggsrus · 18/09/2011 14:02

I don't think everyone is listening.

Laptop, my dh does not want to be buried here, we have talked about that.
He has a very strong national pride, and knowing lots of Kiwis, I completely understand that

Yes, once I am dead I won't know, so exactly my feelings don't count, ffs, I'm not worried about me. I am worried About my DS adjusting to life without his mother, with father that shouts at him all the time, and missing the other people he loves the most.
Yes he would adjust eventually and he'd probably Forget all about me and the rest of his family.
And I'm sorry but that hurts
Can't anyone see that?

OP posts:
diddl · 18/09/2011 14:05

Well if it did happen, as soon as he is old enough, your son can move from his father who shouts all the time back to the people he misses the most.

Make sure you leave something in place for this to happen.

BOMBAYANDMJONICE · 18/09/2011 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

diddl · 18/09/2011 14:06

Isnt the issue that your husband will not be a good father wherever they are living?

ladyintheradiator · 18/09/2011 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 18/09/2011 14:09

I think that we all can't bear the thought of our DCs being without us.
It is understandable, but if you are not here DH is sole parent and there is no one you can put in his place. I think that even if you were divorced and you appointed guardians he could overturn it.

Original poster
Zoggsrus · 18/09/2011 14:09

I must really not be communicating properly.
I'm not in a panic about this, we just discussed it last night and i was thinking about it this morning!
I just wanted some opinions and maybe some professional advice before we thrash it out with a will person

OP posts: