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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DH to come home early today...

78 replies

MamaLaMoo · 17/09/2011 15:05

He has gone to a wedding of an old uni friend he lodged with for several years 2 hours drive away, reception is even further (another 45mins) they won't be sitting down to eat until 5pm or so, ceremony was at 2pm. He will not be back until 9pm or so if he stays for the meal.

I am at home with 5 week old with dreadful colic and toddler. Saw doctor yesterday after HV urgently referred me for post natal depression. I had told her I thought about harming the baby when she is screaming at 1am after hours of pacing and rocking etc. I am suffering from utter exhaustion and sleep deprivation.

I am not looking forward to entertaining the toddler for the rest of the afternoon, getting tea, bath, bedtime all with a tiny baby I can't put down as she has reflux and screams when lying down.

AIBU to ask DH to leave before the meal so he is back earlier and can help out with bedtime? I feel bad dragging him away from his friends and I could grit my teeth and stick it out.

OP posts:
MmeLindor. · 17/09/2011 15:07

Tell him to come home earlier.

In fact, I would expect him to cancel, in those circumstances.

Do you have a friend who could come around and give you a hand?

FagButt · 17/09/2011 15:07

Is there anyone else, family or friend wise who could pop round and give you and hand.

LindyHemming · 17/09/2011 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MamaLaMoo · 17/09/2011 15:09

Family live a long way away, nearest is DFIL 90mins drive north of Birmingham. Closest friends all have small babies or toddlers themselves.

We are a bit isolated in that respect.

OP posts:
DaisySteiner · 17/09/2011 15:11

God, that sounds tough. I don't think I would have even let my dh go under those circumstances! Must have been a big deal to him. I would stick the TV on for the toddler, get you all in the car and go to drive through Macdonalds for dinner and see if you can tough it out. If you can't face it though, I really don't think you'd be unreasonable to get him to come back after the ceremony.

CroissantNeuf · 17/09/2011 15:12

Have you got a friend/family member that could come round for a chat and to give you a hand until he gets back?

Then get your DH to get up in the morning with the toddler and baby and give you some 'time off' then.

nickschick · 17/09/2011 15:12

Im not being unpleasant but when people actually say they feel like harming their baby to someone like a HV knowing full well all the bells ring and the HV is obliged to make an urgent referral to the GP.....to me it sounds a bit Hmm mostly as far as I have experienced its those people who would never never dare admit their thoughts that really have PND.

So your dh is away today and will be back at 9 ish?

Wrap the baby in the top you wore yesterday and sit her a bit upright perhaps in the car seat? this will makle her 'feel' close to you and secure.

I appreciate you are vv tired ( I have 3 dc and ds3 slept 3 hours out of 24 for 3 years and he had a milk intolerance thing going on so he was v sicky) 9 pm isnt too far away- let the toddler watch TV or play with something he hasnt for a while - even let him rip up the argos book.

It wont be so hard and you will feel better if you can do this alone.

Sirzy · 17/09/2011 15:16

Assuming that he knows exactly what you are going through then I think he was wrong to have left you alone in the first place without at least trying to arrange for a friend or relaitive to go to give you help/support as needed.

TidyDancer · 17/09/2011 15:16

I think you should try asking friends and family first (you never know, family may not mind driving for a while, I would do it for a relative in need of a hand). What you need is someone who is willing to take both children off your hands for a little while (dependent on method of feeding LO, admittedly), so you are able to nap yourself. That would see you covered energy-wise until DH is able to get home.

I think if you really have no other option and you really feel you can't cope, then calling DH would be okay.

Original poster
MamaLaMoo · 17/09/2011 15:17

DH said he would ring at 4pm and see how we were, if I want him to come back I am to say then. I am finding it hard to make these sorts of decisions TBH.

He is finding it hard too (the colic, my being exhausted and in tears) and it is nice to have a break from family angst. OK so I don't get that break but that's not his fault.

Toddler has watched several DVDs, now on March of the Penguins.

OP posts:
DaisySteiner · 17/09/2011 15:17

Yes, I definitely don't have PND (youngest is 6!) but if I was sleep-deprived and had to walk round with a screaming baby at 1am I would be feeling a bit desperate too.

nickschick · 17/09/2011 15:17

What about a neighbour? is there anyone nearby you could ask for help?

DaisySteiner · 17/09/2011 15:20

You might find that if you can somehow cope today, he will come back feeling refreshed and more able to deal with things than if he has to come back early. You should certainly make him agree to give you the whole of tomorrow off and get him to look after them both for the whole day so you can catch up on sleep. Baby can come up for feeds and then get taken away again Smile

Original poster
MamaLaMoo · 17/09/2011 15:20

nickschick that's not unpleasant it is utterly ignorant as you don't know me at all.

I am upfront about how bad I feel with the professionals as I had very severe depression as a teenager/young adult and will do anything to stop it getting that bad again. I do not have a problem with emotional honesty and was asked directly by HV about that as part of her visit so answered her directly. She has been keeping an eye on us for a few weeks.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 17/09/2011 15:21

Yes, I'm thinking a combination of nickschick and DaisySteiner's POVs.

nickschick · 17/09/2011 15:26

Ignorant?? ok.

Ring your Dh then.

notherdaynotherdollar · 17/09/2011 15:27

where do you live, maybe someone from here could come round and give you a hand

JillySnooper · 17/09/2011 15:30

I wouldn't TBH. I know it's knackering but he will appreciate it so very much if you soldier on. Stick a DVD on for the toddler and do him/her a snack TV tea he can eat while watching it and all cuddle down for the afternoon.
You'll make him happy and you'll feel really chuffed with yourself.

cheekeymonkey · 17/09/2011 15:31

I agree with tidydancer, take the good suggestions they are both trying to give you and ignore anything said that upsets you. No-one wants you to suffer, I wish I had been as brave as you to admit to HV about how you feel.
You are stronger than you think.

Talker2010 · 17/09/2011 15:32

I would have either asked him not to go at all or leave him to stay for the meal

MrsSleepy · 17/09/2011 15:33

To be honest I'm very surprised he has left you as you've admitted to thoughts about harming the baby, If that was me I wouldn't have you out of site.

MrsSleepy · 17/09/2011 15:34

Sight*

GiveMeSomeSpace · 17/09/2011 15:38

Must be tough Mama

I agree with Daisy. IMO you should let your DH know how nervous you are about it all but then tell him you want him to enjoy hiomself. If he is a good man he will appreciate it hugely and give you time off tomorrow.

Good luck :)

amicissima · 17/09/2011 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MamaLaMoo · 17/09/2011 15:40

OK so you are split between sticking it out and asking him home which is where I was when I posted.

No obvious consensus. Will go with my gut.

As mentioned above families live a long way away from us. Some are presently on holiday.

Thanks for the input.

OP posts: