Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DH to come home early today...

78 replies

MamaLaMoo · 17/09/2011 15:05

He has gone to a wedding of an old uni friend he lodged with for several years 2 hours drive away, reception is even further (another 45mins) they won't be sitting down to eat until 5pm or so, ceremony was at 2pm. He will not be back until 9pm or so if he stays for the meal.

I am at home with 5 week old with dreadful colic and toddler. Saw doctor yesterday after HV urgently referred me for post natal depression. I had told her I thought about harming the baby when she is screaming at 1am after hours of pacing and rocking etc. I am suffering from utter exhaustion and sleep deprivation.

I am not looking forward to entertaining the toddler for the rest of the afternoon, getting tea, bath, bedtime all with a tiny baby I can't put down as she has reflux and screams when lying down.

AIBU to ask DH to leave before the meal so he is back earlier and can help out with bedtime? I feel bad dragging him away from his friends and I could grit my teeth and stick it out.

OP posts:
hatebeingmummy · 17/09/2011 16:49

When my DD was 2 weeks old I called my partner while he was on a night out telling him I couldn't feel my legs and was having a panic attack and that DD was crying in the next room but I couldn't get to her... he told me to calm down and stop being selfish... so just making the point that he may know the full story and still stay out late.

nickschick · 17/09/2011 16:49

leaving the thread as if you post in AIBU - you expect varied aspects and oulooks of response.

FWIW I do have a lot of knowledge of PND and if my Hmm face was interpreted as disbelieving then maybe it was.

GypsyMoth · 17/09/2011 16:49

Oh fab, dear me!! Other posters said the same, it won't cure the bloody reflux will it! Not just me who said it

And the aibu comment was to nickschick regarding her comment to ME

You can create an argument in an empty room!

HowlingBitch · 17/09/2011 16:50

I believe you feelings are far more important that a silly wedding, Fair enough I'm sure DH needs some space too but I think it took alot of bravery to say what you did and you could do with as much help as possible. Ask him to come home, He will understand.

Btw PND is not something you should ever take lightly nickschick and if you have been around women with it as you say then you should really know better.

Just because no one has ever admitted it to YOU doesn't mean it's never been said to someone more confidential and close like a HV. I very much doubt anyone would confide such things to a nursery nurse Confused

GypsyMoth · 17/09/2011 16:50

Oh,and FAB, I'll post where I like!

GypsyMoth · 17/09/2011 16:51

Just 4 hours to go now op. How you doing?

MmeLindor. · 17/09/2011 16:52

nickshick
regardless of where the OP posted, she has said that she has a history of depression, is worried about being alone and is in a bit of a state.

It is not too much to expect a bunch of adult women on a website to treat the OP with some respect and empathy.

MamaL
Phone him, tell him to come home.

GreenPetal94 · 17/09/2011 16:52

MamaLaMoo, I've been there - sleep deprivation, mental health problems, colic, baby and toddler. The one thing I held on to 8 years ago was that in a few months things would be easier. It doesn't exactly help at the time practically, but its a mental thought to cling on to. Just let the time pass and keep all three of you safe. That's all you need to do. Sure the baby may scream and life may be chaos, but it WILL get easier in a few months time.

MrsSleepy · 17/09/2011 16:52

Hatebeingmummy - To be fair the OP hasn't said if he does or doesn't know the whole story. If he does know then yes he's an arse if he doesn't then obviously he's not a mind reader and won't know or think to come home early.

TheOriginalFAB · 17/09/2011 16:52

"You can create an argument in an empty room!"

I don't think so ILT. Yes, of course you can post where you want but don't be off with someone who is clearly suffering.

NinkyNonker · 17/09/2011 16:53

I didn't say you didn't have knowledge!! I'm glad I interpreted your post as being harsh in that case as it was obviously how it was intended. If you can't see that then you're obviously not hugely empathetic.

gluttom · 17/09/2011 16:54

Once someone says something nasty on here a lot if others jump on the bandwagon like the bitches they were at school.

peterpan99 · 17/09/2011 16:54

hey OP was just wondering if you had a sling, or baby carrier you could put the baby in so you dont have to put her down, but have your hands free to do other things?

Also think your DH could have cancelled or just gone to either the ceramony or the party, not both.
Stay strong, it gets easier! Smile

GypsyMoth · 17/09/2011 16:54

Again, telling me what to post! Doubt I'll be listening to you

Voidka · 17/09/2011 16:58

No, OP's DH coming home wont cure the reflux but it will mean that she isnt having to cope alone.

If your DH does know the extent of how you feel then I think he is being a selfish knob. If he doesnt then I apolgise.

FagButt · 17/09/2011 17:01

OP can sit and chat on here to while away the time. Go for a drive, that get's the baby asleep. Good choice about macdonalds.

I wouldn't personally call the husband. She can speak to her family on the phone. It really is only a few hours. What happens when he is at work. Does he have to come back each time.

Unfortunately that will create a situation where she will feel she cannot cope and the depression will worsen.

If she copes until 9pm which is not far away she will be pleased with herself that actually she is ok, and has managed. Also the dh who has obviously been exhausted gets his break, and she can have a rest tomorrow when he deals with the children.

gluttom · 17/09/2011 17:04

Op if you feel you need to ring DH to come home early then do - this is a short part of you lives together when things are tough - this time next year. When ds 2 was 5?weeks old, ds1 was 17 mths old only. DH went on a stag weekend and I had a horrendous weekend and I still feel a bit sick when I think about it now - wandering aimlessly around the streets with the double buggy to get ds2 to sleep with ds1 screaming to get out - buying him sets and ice cream to keep him sitting in the buggy so that I could keep the buggy at the right pace - going back to empty house - ds2 screaming whilst I made ds1 tea the put him to bed - both up for the 2 nights - just feeling desperate and I didn't have PND. If it will make you feel calmer and he won't be too disappointed then ask him to come home - you would if the boot was on the other foot. Then again if you could just scrape by like I did then you will feel that you have achieved something and may not look on other occasions when you are on your own so desperately - that weekend made me realise o was strong and no one died.

gluttom · 17/09/2011 17:06

I meant this time next year you will look back and realise how much easier it has all become and

MunchkinsMumof2 · 17/09/2011 18:20

I am open mouthed that there is a desperate, sleep deprived, depressed woman who came on here to ask for genuine advice and you all get into a bitch fest about who said what and how they said it!! I know it's AIBU but that's not code for just how bitchy can we be to a stranger is it??

OP I hope you are ok and have somehow got through the day. I had undiagnosed PND but unlike you wasn't brave enough to be honest with my HV so be proud that you have asked for help and "this too will pass" got me through many a long day with a newborn and toddler. Please ask people nearby to help you, even if it's just taking the baby around the block for a walk. Let us know how you are please and ignore the unhelpful posts.

buterflies · 17/09/2011 18:37

OP I really feel for you, having been there with a baby that never slept and screamed all the time. How are you at the moment, I really hope you are ok. Please post either on here or pm me I want to know you are ok.

Getdressed · 17/09/2011 18:53

OP I'm sorry you are having a tough time at the moment and others really aren't helping here.

I hope DH is home to help you now but if not please try and make things easy for you this evening. DVDs/CBeebies for toddler. Don't worry about bathing or story time. In fact I would be inclined for the three of you to get into your bed and watch a DVD (with some chocolate and a cuppa for you). Leave the dishes and tidying until tomorrow.

My DDs are 11 months apart and I have blocked out how hard those first few months were. DD2 had reflux and would scream all evening while DD1 needed a hand to hold whilst she was going to sleep and those evenings on without DH was hard. I am now sitting here with DC3 just so you know it will get better for you. :)

ladyintheradiator · 17/09/2011 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GloriaVanderbilt · 17/09/2011 19:03

I think Fab doesn't deserve to be attacked. She sounds pretty reasonable to me.

voddiekeepsmesane · 17/09/2011 19:35

I on the other hand think that while I sympathise with the op the fact that she posted this in AIBU rather than under a more "tame" heading within MN tells me a lot too .

fit2drop · 17/09/2011 19:38

OP hope you're OK

your DP should be on his way home now anyway I would think if you are expecting him home by 9.

Its hard but it does get easier, being overwhelmed by even the smallest things so early after giving birth is perfectly normal, add to that your colicky baby, PND and history of depression you are actually doing really well, Probably better than you think because your DP obviously believes in you and thinks you are well enough to cope. Having little faith in yourself is all part of the PND (but you know that )

As for the poster who says people do not mention wanting to harm a baby if they have PND. What a ridiculous generalisation to make.

I frequently told my HV that I was on the edge of doing something bad. I had severe PND and trusted my HV, Just having someone to unload on was a massive help. How could I tell my family that? I couldn't , they wouldn't understand.

OP has done well to actually come on here and admit what she says, the last thing she needs is people Hmm ing at her comments.

Even if OP is exaggerating I for one would not feel comfortable making that call without a lot more info, we can only go on what OP has said and nothing she has said warrants anything other than a helping hand, a kind word and a bit of support till her DP comes home.

Take care OP , be gentle with yourself and as soon as DP gets home pass baby to him and go and have a long lingering luxury bath .