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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DH to come home early today...

78 replies

MamaLaMoo · 17/09/2011 15:05

He has gone to a wedding of an old uni friend he lodged with for several years 2 hours drive away, reception is even further (another 45mins) they won't be sitting down to eat until 5pm or so, ceremony was at 2pm. He will not be back until 9pm or so if he stays for the meal.

I am at home with 5 week old with dreadful colic and toddler. Saw doctor yesterday after HV urgently referred me for post natal depression. I had told her I thought about harming the baby when she is screaming at 1am after hours of pacing and rocking etc. I am suffering from utter exhaustion and sleep deprivation.

I am not looking forward to entertaining the toddler for the rest of the afternoon, getting tea, bath, bedtime all with a tiny baby I can't put down as she has reflux and screams when lying down.

AIBU to ask DH to leave before the meal so he is back earlier and can help out with bedtime? I feel bad dragging him away from his friends and I could grit my teeth and stick it out.

OP posts:
pink4ever · 17/09/2011 15:40

I am Shock that your dh went to the wedding if he knows just how bad you are feeling. Did you confide in him what you said to hv?.
I would perhaps wait and see how you feel when he phones and then make the choice.
I know it is not a popular idea on here but would you be prepared to let the baby cry on his/her own for a while? Am not talking about abandoning them but just for 10 minutes in another room while you gather yourself/grab a cuppa/something to eat. If he/she has colic and there is little you can do to console them then I honestly think it would be the best thing and would not make you a bad mum.
I am thinking of my good friend as I write this who is also really struggling at the moment so you have my sympathy.

GeraldineAubergine · 17/09/2011 15:43

I would ask him to come back. He won't mind, you aren't feeling great now but that won't last forever, you need support now to help you stay on top of things. Good luck :)

ZhenXiang · 17/09/2011 15:45

I think your DH should come back after the ceremony given the circumstances.

Keep effort minimal, easy food, lots of dvds for toddler, when toddler goes to bed so do you if baby is sleeping.

Have you got a baby sling that you could wear the baby in while you do everything else?

Have you tried as someone else suggested swaddling baby in a t-shirt that smells of you and putting baby in car seat so that baby is not lying flat?

Have heard that raising the mattress in baby's bed can help, put folded towel or blanket under the mattress.

When DH gets back hand baby to him, go to bed and let him bring the baby to you for feeds. If the baby has colic it will cry whoever is holding it, let him do some of the walking and soothing.

I can remember the sheer desperation of the newborn phase when I was so tired I was hallucinating at points. You must hand over some of the daytime/night-time duties to your DH, my DH used to take DD while I napped and at night once I had fed if she was still unsettled. Everthing seems worse when you are sleep deprived, it does get easier.

Go to GP on Monday re: baby's reflux if you haven't done already and get something on prescription to help i.e. infant gaviscon. Some good advice on this website that may help you.

Voidka · 17/09/2011 15:55

I am so shocked that your DH went knowing how bad you felt. I would be telling him to get his arse back home and help you rather than out enjoying himself.

And I would say it if OP was a man talking about his wife before you all say I am man bashing.

Hope you are okay OP :)

MrsSleepy · 17/09/2011 15:57

OP Have you told DH the true extent of your feelings and about thoughts of harming the baby because I'm not 100% convinced that any human being would leave someone with their child knowing that...

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 17/09/2011 16:12

Those of you judging op, don't untill you've been in her shoes!
Ask him to come home. DD3 had severe reflux, it was hell, still is at times and I too had a strong but truthful relationship with hv.
You have my sympathies op for baby and judgypants posters.

MrsSleepy · 17/09/2011 16:14

Who's judging?

notherdaynotherdollar · 17/09/2011 16:17

cant see anyone judging, just trying to help

nickschick · 17/09/2011 16:22

Who's judging?
I gave practical advice and my own experieces of 'surviving' with a sleepless baby.

GypsyMoth · 17/09/2011 16:27

Does he work? Assume he's out of the house all day if so...... Sometimes he's late?

I wouldn't call him. Let him enjoy himself, then tomorrow he can go out of is way to give you a break. It's one day.

GypsyMoth · 17/09/2011 16:28

If he cones home it's not going to cure any reflux is it?!

nickschick · 17/09/2011 16:32

careful Tiff -dont be judgey.

GypsyMoth · 17/09/2011 16:34

No.... Not as if it's in aibu is it!?

mycatoscar · 17/09/2011 16:36

Sorry you're having such a tough time. I had PND too although thankfully didnt think about hurting dd - only myself. So I can sort of see how you are feeling. The trouble is, 6 years on and the memories are definately fading so it is easy for people who have previously gone thorugh it to say let him have his day out, dont ask him to come home.

Him coming home wont magically cure the reflux or the PND, but if you genuinely think you may harm yourself or the baby then he needs to come home straight away.

Or, if he genuinely doesnt mind coming home to be there with his wife who is having a shitty time right now - then thats fine too! If he's going to come home and be resentful about being called away then I would leave him as it will only make you feel worse (unless any harm is actually going to come to anyone).

NinkyNonker · 17/09/2011 16:37

Come on Nickschick, you were a little harsh to someone obviously struggling!

Op, I suggest a sling, keeping baby upright and close to you should help keep her happy, and having her belly to your front gives a gentle stomach massage effect which should help the colic. Gives you hands free as well.

Part of being a partnership is just being there for each other and being supportive...if you feel you need him there then I think you should be able to say so. I like to think dh would ask me if he needed me.

TheOriginalFAB · 17/09/2011 16:39

That is just mean.

OP - PM me where you are and I will come and help you if I can.

TheOriginalFAB · 17/09/2011 16:39

nickschick and ILoveTiffany that was to.

GypsyMoth · 17/09/2011 16:41

Where fab? Where was I 'mean'?

nickschick · 17/09/2011 16:41

No ninky I dont think I was.

I offered support and advice and gave my own suggestions on how I coped with a restless baby - only I had 2 other dc and a dh who worked very long hours - My work as a nursery nurse has given me lots of contact with ladies who are struggling with new borns and health issues and yes PND ive never heard one say she felt like harming her baby tho.

Op has had time to come on here and receive support and advice and its almost 5pm now.

Unless her Dh doesnt know the 'full story' he obviously believes she can cope.

MrsSleepy · 17/09/2011 16:43

I'm not convinced her DH knows the full story.

NinkyNonker · 17/09/2011 16:44

Ok, but your post could quite easily have been interpreted as sceptical, esp with the reference to it not being normal pnd behavior and the Hmm

Maybe that isn't how you intended it Hmm but it is how a few people seem to have interpreted it.

TheOriginalFAB · 17/09/2011 16:46

"If he cones home it's not going to cure any reflux is it?!" - that was sarcastic.

"No.... Not as if it's in aibu is it!?" - and that was just unhelpful.

This woman is clearly in desperate need of support. If you can't do that, maybe it is best you don't post. And fwiw people with PND do tell HV that they feel they want to/might harm the baby.

hatebeingmummy · 17/09/2011 16:47

I would say (and only you can judge if you can actually cope or not so ignore me if you can't) that 9pm isn't that late, even though it probably feels it. The night out will revive him and he will be more use to you tomorrow.
When he calls could you say that you appreciate it is important to him to stay and that you want him to enjoy himself but that you are exhausted and would appreciate a couple of hours break tomorrow to go for a walk alone, have a hot bath etc?

Voidka · 17/09/2011 16:48

I hope the OP hasnt been frightened off by some of the comments on here. I really hope she is okay.

Al0uiseG · 17/09/2011 16:49

Do you have anyone near you that has offered to help out in any way, shape or form? If so, now is the time to phone them.

Until your husband returns home, in your circumstances, you could grab some snacks and drinks and take all 3 of you off to bed. Make life easy, meet your basic needs. When your husband gets home he can take over.