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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have imagined that 5 years after the birth of first child, I'd have found a good hang out buddy in the land of local motherhood?

141 replies

yadahyadah · 16/09/2011 22:50

Christ, school has started and with it the pick-up/drop-off hell of skirting round the mums whose parenting I happen to not agree with but don't make a deal out of it, but who in turn call my self assured daughter 'bossy' in an "only jokin, just havin a laff" way that makes me wish for a sniper unit as my backup.

I have friends from school (only 1, I'm no prom freak) a couple from university and many from working life (but not too many - I'm not flesh-pressing networker from hell) but in the land of motherhood I have been sadly dismayed at the lack of quality my kind of womanhood out here.

And the NCT brigade just DID MY HEAD IN.

I know I know the pond is huge and there is no funneling system to rely on. But jeez, you'd imagine there'd be someone... Anyone else out there finding it a wilderness?

OP posts:
wildhairrunning · 18/09/2011 22:01

OP you have had the usual nasty trollish type posts scattered though here but most of us can see how you meant things and like your wry wit so ignite the nasties!

It is disheartening to see how many others have come across so many unfriendly people too - I think I am quite a friendly person as will chat to new people all the time and hate seeing people left out but I too have come across some really unfriendly and cliquey people who make no effort

bibbitybobbityhat · 18/09/2011 22:01

There's campaspe on this very thread fgs! Hope you are now busy pm'ing each other.

wildhairrunning · 18/09/2011 22:02

Ignore not ignite! Although igniting might be Fun! Grin

AitchTwoOh · 18/09/2011 22:05

but people are allowed to be unfriendly and cliquey, that is absolutely their lookout. however there are seldom situations were a clique extends to more than about five people (they're impossible to maintain otherwise) and most people would just call them close friendships tbh, wish the friends well, and go find someone else to play with. if, however, it's thirty people in the clique and you the only person who isn't, then the problem is more likely to be you, imo.

aquafunf · 18/09/2011 22:11

in my first 5 years of motherhood, in 3 different towns, i found 1. 11 years on, i still have that one.

i recently launched into it again, for the sake of my 3 year old. realised that actually most are still pretty self obsessed but now, because i am about 15 years older than them, see me as font of all knowledge. Even when i point out that my views of local school is out of date as my older ones left there 7 years ago and the head had changed.

i am sociable in every other area but am also of the view that i have little in common. i was lucky to find my one!

aquafunf · 18/09/2011 22:13

oh, and i rather enjoyed standing in the school play ground all by myself.Good job i have iron proof self confidence.

PenguinPatter · 18/09/2011 22:17

I'm impressed aquafunf - 3 moves and loads of crap I've lost touch with my three very close friends and that took less than four years. I clearly lack staying power - fifteen years out of university and I'm in touch with no one - apart from DH - even yadahyadah has done better than that.

PenguinPatter · 18/09/2011 22:18

aquafunf - well there I still have a pre-school to hang round with something in my favour.

PenguinPatter · 18/09/2011 22:19

pre-schooler - honestly I'm not carrying round an entire building though lord knows some days it can feel like it.

Fecklessdizzy · 18/09/2011 23:21

OP I used to sound like you but in the end I thought Sod it and said the first thing that came into my head to anyone who crossed my path ...

I got some funny looks but I met a fair few kindred spirits too. Just hold your nose and jump in ... The path to happiness is lowered standards!

hazeyjane · 19/09/2011 06:16

'Lowered standards' - blimey!

Sorry, but there is a difference between feeling a bit shy and therefore finding it difficult to make friends, and feeling that no-one is good enough for you.

I don't see where the trollish posts are? What makes them trollish?

EssentialFattyAcid · 19/09/2011 06:35

In an ideal world it would be great to meet a woman you like, whose kids get on well with your kids, and whose parenting style matches yours!

If this is what you are looking for it is hard to find. I have lots of parent friends, mostly from my dd's primary class. I love having them in my life and they are great people. I like that they are different to me!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 19/09/2011 06:38

I don't see trollish either. I see a poster who is saying not 'despite me making repeated overtures, I have been unable to make close friends' but rather 'in five years, I have found nobody who measures up to my discerning standards'.

My eldest is almost three, and I sort of assumed I would make close bosom buddy type friends, whereas in reality I just have a bunch of people with whom I'm a bit friendly, a couple of whom are close enough that we go to each other's houses for playdates/coffee. And yes, I suppose I had fantasies of the sort of instant connection with like-minded intelligent cynical mother friend who always features heavily in chicklit, so that's been a disappointment. But my reaction has been to think - well, perhaps I was expecting too much, or perhaps I need to persist with these friendships and see if any of them move to a deeper level, and either way I've got some nice funny generous women in my life whom I'd never have met without a child in tow.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 19/09/2011 07:02

Op yabu. I think that you need to realise that someone's parenting technique is not of massive importance in a friendship. After all, they arent parenting you! I would no more decide against someone as a friend because she doesn't parent like me than I would because she doesn't tidy her house the same way I do. As long as they aren't abusive and do discipline effectively it's neither here nor there. As for assertive kids, I have one, and on her first day at school there we 2 other mums in the playground with girls like mine, our comments to each other when we saw how all 3 were behaving was "teachers going to have her hands full with those 3" we have all been good friends ever since.
If folk were all the same, it would be a boring world we live in!

Fecklessdizzy · 19/09/2011 20:25

hazeyjane That came out a bit odd, sorry! Grin ... I meant to say when I started mixing with other mums I was a snooty, self-absorbed, paranoid twerp who was under the impression that I could only be mates with people who dressed and thought just like me ... And I'm happy to be totally wrong!

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 19/09/2011 20:40

I must say, I'm picking up similar things as Aitch.

I think you aren't giving people a chance. Sometimes I catch the small-talk that comes out of my mouth and nearly dismiss myself as someone on Loose Women (bit loud) but when when you get to know me I great.

Feel free to analyse my name

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 19/09/2011 20:41

I am great

northernrock · 19/09/2011 21:09

DS just started school and weirdly all the other mums waiting to pick up (when I am picking up, which is not every day) seem to chat to each other.
I smile and say "hello" to everyone, but no-one really smiles back or speaks to me.

I am quite friendly, speak to old ladies at bus stops, say "morning" to people I meet walking their dogs when we tramp across the fields to school, and yet I feel completely unable to connect with anyone at the school.
Maybe they all know each other from some party I was not invited to??

Not looking to make bessy mates with them ffs, but a bit of common civility would be nice!

PS I am not a weirdy looking nutcase or anything. I don't think..

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 19/09/2011 21:22

northernrock - maybe they know each other, but they should try harder to be friendly, I agree.

I also notice that parents who have more than one child get less and less interested in making new friends as their oldest one moves up the school. So your friends tend to be the ones you made when your oldest started, as you're all keen then. Maybe these women have older children in the same classes as each other?

northernrock · 19/09/2011 21:46

Maybe,Get Away, as we have just moved to a small town.
A lot of them seem to have teeny babies and be on Mat leave though.
I think a lot of them are SAHM too, as I overheard a couple saying how nice it was to have some time to themselves (as I was panicking about getting to work on time!)

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 19/09/2011 21:49

It is harder when you are working, cos you can't do the after drop-off coffees. I'm noticing that now after my return to work.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 19/09/2011 21:57

In my village a lot of the mums at the school gates actually went to the school - so yes they do know each other!

northernrock · 19/09/2011 22:01

After drop off coffees? Really? Oh, they probably do know each other then.
I have to say, that I am finding the whole school thing a bit stressful, like I dont quite know the rules, dont have my hair brushed and have forgotten my homework ..
I get the OP actually, as after nearly five years I still feel like a phony! (Saving for therapy)Grin

carlywurly · 19/09/2011 22:07

Aw northernrock, I would chat to you Smile

Sometimes people just need to see you a few times before they accept you as being part of the crowd. I moved to a small town too, and it took a lot of effort on my part. I did get there in the end, although I don't think I'll ever feel fully part of it.

BobblyGussets · 19/09/2011 22:09

Me too Northernrock.

Wildhairrunning, sorry I don't live in Northants, it would have been good to meet up and "laugh 'til we ached" Grin