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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have imagined that 5 years after the birth of first child, I'd have found a good hang out buddy in the land of local motherhood?

141 replies

yadahyadah · 16/09/2011 22:50

Christ, school has started and with it the pick-up/drop-off hell of skirting round the mums whose parenting I happen to not agree with but don't make a deal out of it, but who in turn call my self assured daughter 'bossy' in an "only jokin, just havin a laff" way that makes me wish for a sniper unit as my backup.

I have friends from school (only 1, I'm no prom freak) a couple from university and many from working life (but not too many - I'm not flesh-pressing networker from hell) but in the land of motherhood I have been sadly dismayed at the lack of quality my kind of womanhood out here.

And the NCT brigade just DID MY HEAD IN.

I know I know the pond is huge and there is no funneling system to rely on. But jeez, you'd imagine there'd be someone... Anyone else out there finding it a wilderness?

OP posts:
Choufleur · 17/09/2011 19:48

I came to the conclusion very shortly after having DS that I could be friends with people who the only thing I had in common was that we had recently had babies so all felt shit and neurotic at the same time. I am still friends (5.6 years on) with 2 of them, but most am not in contact with. It doesn't matter we helped each other out at the time and then grew apart when no longer had nappies and weaning to talk about.

I now have some acquaintances at school and a couple of people I am becoming quite friendly with (DS has just started yr1). If i'm not friends with them in a few years it won't matter. But you never know they might become really good friends.

Don't start off trying to be best mates with everyone - just talk inane crap and moan about school with them if you have to to start with.

btw there is a boy in DS's class who is described as assertive by his mum but is actually very bossy and dominates other DCs.

hazeyjane · 17/09/2011 19:50

EndoplasmicReticulum, but the op didn't say I struggle to find friends because I'm shy, that is different. She just sounds as though she considers herself to be slightly superior to everyone she meets.

Can we ban the word 'buddy', I can't read it without imagining the person saying it doing a double thumbs up sign.

CheerfulYank · 17/09/2011 20:03

I have some good friends with kids, but I like all sorts of people and am not overly fussed about finding "my kind of womanhood." Usually I have something in common with most people, at least enough to enjoy a short chat while our kids run around together.

YABU

worraliberty · 17/09/2011 20:07

People are people at the end of the day and friends are friends.

It's never crossed my mind to particularly want friends who do or do not have children.

But as an aside, sometimes it's worth considering what people say in an "only jokin, just havin a laff" way because there's often an element of truth to it and that's the only way they feel they can mention things like that.

I'm not saying she's right or wrong, but it's certainly worth some thought before getting the gun out.

MangoMonster · 17/09/2011 20:10

It's not easy... But I'm sure you'll meet someone.

RitaMorgan · 17/09/2011 20:18

I don't - I think some people are just better at making friends than others.

theredsalamander · 17/09/2011 20:19

You do sound as if you have a superiority complex. You have judged all these women in the three minutes you have allowed them to audition for you, and deemed them not worthy of your further attention. They all sound like they have nice manners- they can make small talk in a social setting- whereas you sound quite unkind and I am not surprised tbh that you have not found any friends yet. Or that you have few existing ones.

RitaMorgan · 17/09/2011 20:22

That should've been "I don't know"

I haven't met any mothers yet that I've actively disliked, and have made a couple of good friends.

KittyFane · 17/09/2011 20:25

Sorry OP but you sound a bit up your own arse high maintenance ... Are you a very loud person? You sound it in your posts.
BTW, I have no close mum friends, it depresses me TBH but I suspect that the reason why is because I am all of the above. :(

porcamiseria · 17/09/2011 21:17

hmmmmm. you sound a bit......picky

porcamiseria · 17/09/2011 21:18

but i am sometimes glad i work FT as the mummy chat does do my head in at times

BakeliteBelle · 17/09/2011 21:57

The thing I find really depressing about this thread is that no matter what age, life continues to be just like the school playground. Get a grip, be a grown up and just be nice and warm to people and accept that you will have a lot of conversations that are about one's children. That is the common theme; why we are all thrown together in the playground - utilise it. If you are lonely, then admit it to yourself. You are not alone in feeling lonely - it is the modern sickness and someone somewhere will be looking to be your friend

wildhairrunning · 17/09/2011 22:05

Where you from op?

Anyone in the east mids?!

madhousewife · 17/09/2011 22:06

well said bakelite!

working9while5 · 17/09/2011 22:23

Jesus, I would LOVE some "mum friends". All of my friends pre-children are childless and it is really hard work sometimes.. I have to be very cautious with friends who are hitting 40 and wished they'd had kids, my child is a non-subject around gay male friends etc etc.

I've found it hard because I spent a lot of the first year with a group of people that I didn't really have much in common with (like fresher friends at university) and then I went back to work, and work took over. Making any friends in adulthood requires time, persistence and pseudostalking... making regular dates, following routines that put you in eachother's paths etc. It isn't hugely compatible with working for many of us.

NotJustKangaskhan · 17/09/2011 22:53

wildhairrunning I am!

Original poster
yadahyadah · 17/09/2011 23:07

Well I've not ruled out my own pain in the arse factor - heaven knows, you lot haven't let me forget it - but I do not think of myself as isolated by nor superior to other people. The 3mins line was flippant - I have and do continue to carry out friendships. The point I was obviously so badly expressing was simply that they don't feel like the friendships I consider keepers.

In my OP I referred to my pre-motherhood friendships because they have always felt enough - neither too many nor too few but in every new situation (bar this one) I have found friendships easy enough to foster and maintain. Post-motherhood, they feel like associations of convenience which would be fair enough but then there's always a weird edge that comes up and bites you when you least expect it.

But yes, it might all well be because I am Satan's own handmaiden and the bitchy comments (from one person alone, I might add) about my child are just the kindest and most mature ways to cast out my demons. How simpleminded of me to not have seen that.

OP posts:
racingheart · 17/09/2011 23:15

I kind of agree with Choufleur. It's OK to have some friends with whom the only common ground is kids born in the same year. That's pretty significant common ground.

But I sympathise. I have loads of acquaintances but no close friends in our area, despite having lived here for 7 years. Lots of people to go for a glass of wine or coffee with, but the chat stays pretty surface and it's clear they are closer to each other than I will ever be to one of them. I got really down about it at one point, then got off my arse and made some close friends elsewhere. One has no kids and I love her to pieces, and another has kids much older, so there's a bit of school talk but not much.

It is sad not to feel close to the people you spend time with in the park. I feel it quite strongly every time I turn up at the school gates, and part of me thinks: why? Am I so unpleasant? I smile, always ask after other people, help others out loads, did the whole helping at playgroup/PA thing, but not a single close friendship came from it.

OP what's your location like? We're in a village, and much as I like my acquaintances, it's a very Daily Mail place and I am not that way inclined at all. The close friends I've made in recent years all live in big cities nearby. I just wonder if there's a different outlook in some places where you're less likely to find a good fit.

Also, once i made a couple of friends I genuinely feel close to, I stopped caring about the mums and their intense close friendships all around me, and relaxed enough to enjoy the casual but long term and trustworthy acquaintances I have. There's a lot to be said for them too.

blueshoes · 17/09/2011 23:17

Agree porca. I am so glad to WOHM simply because I was not made for P&T groups or coffee mornings. Some of us just don't go for that thang.

Original poster
yadahyadah · 17/09/2011 23:40

Yes racing heart surface is where it seems to stay and to all intents and purposes it's fine. Except that I'm used to more.

We moved from the big smoke to a small smoke - more a puff, really - so i miss that, that's one thing. It's a bit county and nicey here which gets anodyne after a while.

I still wait for the feeling you describe when you can be okay with the acquaintances of convenience because you have that backbone solid friendship.

OP posts:
NotJustKangaskhan · 18/09/2011 01:06

I sympathise OP. I immigrated here about 8 years ago and I still really don't have anyone I'm close to other than my husband. He's pretty much the only person I can open up to (other than a bunch of strangers online Grin).

I threw myself into trying to make new friends and a new life when I arrived and after having my first, and was rebuffed in a quite hostile manner. Being openly mocked at toddler groups and having people pull their kids from me was heartbreaking, having people come up to my husband, while he was out with the kids, telling him how horrid it was that I was working/at uni while he was taking care of the kids - it was bad enough we weren't in our 'proper' gender roles, but I was immigrant woman and apparently needed to learn my place according to some of them was infuriating (and I didn't live in a village, just a pocket of a city that likes to think it is). We've moved since, but I'm still shredded by the experience and I tend to try to keep myself so busy that I don't notice the loneliness until I get one of the few quiet moments. I think part of me has pretty much given up on it.

spiderslegs · 18/09/2011 02:22

Really, really, NotJust???

You seem to have met some vile people, am I an idiot, or are there people who openly mock & pull their children away? If so - why?

& OP, I live in the deep, deep, country. Anodyne it aint, you can approach it with that belief if you choose, I doubt you will meet any interesting people if you do.

I have friends who work on films, I have friends who show at the National Portrait Gallery, I have friends who write international bestsellers, I have friends who ride horses & bake cakes, I have friends who sell clothes & have beautiful shops, I have a friend who has a million children & was in a well known band, I have friends who were nominated for Ivor Novello Awards, I have a friend who is the best natural history illustrator in the UK who is married to a man that makes furniture featured in all the interior mags......

I could go on.

Really.

TheBride · 18/09/2011 03:33

Spiderlegs definitely wins friends top trumps Grin. I agree though- you just have to be a social 'ho and you'll meet some great people purely by the law of averages. It's not that hard to just talk to people. Most people are nice and want to be talked to.

This thread has something of "Little Children" about it, in that many mums seem to think that they are the only mum who is actually really fascinating and has a secret life and multiple topics of conversation beyond weaning and potty training. You only have to think about it for around 10 secs to realise that probably a lot of other mums are thinking the same, but it does take time to go beyond the immediate common factors. Yes, you'll probably start talking about something child related to break the ice, and maybe it wont go beyond that with 4/5 people, but with the other one, you'll go on to establish a genuine friendship.

spiderslegs · 18/09/2011 03:55

I am a boring fuck.

wildhairrunning · 18/09/2011 06:11

Notjusrkanga - whereabouts are you?! Pm me if you don't want to say here

Your experience sounds awful! Toddler groups can be worst than the school
Playground though! X