to have imagined that 5 years after the birth of first child, I'd have found a good hang out buddy in the land of local motherhood?

[yadahyadah]

Christ, school has started and with it the pick-up/drop-off hell of skirting round the mums whose parenting I happen to not agree with but don't make a deal out of it, but who in turn call my self assured daughter 'bossy' in an "only jokin, just havin a laff" way that makes me wish for a sniper unit as my backup.

I have friends from school (only 1, I'm no prom freak) a couple from university and many from working life (but not too many - I'm not flesh-pressing networker from hell) but in the land of motherhood I have been sadly dismayed at the lack of quality my kind of womanhood out here.

And the NCT brigade just DID MY HEAD IN.

I know I know the pond is huge and there is no funneling system to rely on. But jeez, you'd imagine there'd be someone... Anyone else out there finding it a wilderness?

Spiderlegs I might have to steal your life. Beware.
Notjusrkanga where are you living? Is it near Oxford?

I have been extremely lucky in finding my mum friends, however I wasn't always lucky, when my ds started his first school I felt like an absolute leper, they must have known instantly by my un-ironed, obviously-just-folded-out-of-the-tumble-dryer chef whites, unkempt hair, and knackered constantly look, that I was a working-full-time-single-mum. Which obviously meant that I was the worst kind of parent, for all these stay at home mums that have 3 children and are giving birth to there fourth and has a very rich husband, type of women. Also my ds had possible aspergers and therefore was dubbed the really naughty boy but who can blame him, with that mother and home-life. The school even had this attitude towards him, so I changed him to a school that is more accepting of children with behavioural problems, and all of a sudden I had the nicest friends I could ever ask for, I can actually say that I get on with every parent in the playground, and all are extremely friendly, it takes quite a while to get out of the playground in fact, because I'm always gossiping with the other mums. find the parents that have children with difficulties, they are extremely intresting and believe it or not actually fairly intelligent, (it sounds to me like you really want intelligent mums to natter to).

Yes, really really spiderlegs. The pulling away seems to be due to my appearance - I wear a cloth cap that covers my hair, long skirts, and people make their own assumptions. I'm guessing on this because they don't really say, but it happens more often when I was with my husband who wears a full beard and long hair. The mocking mostly surrounded my lack of understanding of local customs/etiquette/stupidity due to not being local (like there was a good 10 minute giggle and natter over referring to DS1 as my first rather than my only - technically he was both at the time but apparently it was seen as quite funny to refer to him as my first when I didn't have a second yet). I do something think I have bad luck with people and only run into the vile ones.

I'm near Derby, which is quite a ways from Oxford I'm afraid.

i think if you think people are boring fucks, they will be cos you don't give them a chance.

try being interested in people and you might be pleasantly surprised.

and the competitive ones are just insecure.

Yada - from your posts, you come across as witty, acerbic and really funny. I for one would love to have someone like you to gossip with at the school gate and go for coffee to explore the meaning of life and whether Peppa is a good role model for our daughters.

You do have my sympathy. I think it's easy to meet casual friends through playgroups and schools, but hard to convert them to real friends where you share more than just parenting tribulations.

I suppose you have to take some hope from the fact that if your DD is starting school, you will come across a much wider range of parents and maybe you will meet the ONE.

God knows it's worse than being on the data scene.

Keep buggering on

I agree with theBride, there's something about the NCT/M&T/schoolgate drop off situations that makes it hard to get beyond banal kid related conversation - but that doesn't mean there aren't many interesting, intelligent spiky women out there in need of friends.

Kanga - sorry you have had such a rotten time. Can you get in touch at all with people from a similar cultural background in Manchester?

Kanga, that's vile, but I can well believe it.

Spiders - you really are more fortunate than you know. In my village there are people who run galleries and write best sellers as well as ones who bake cakes and make jewellery, soap stars and pop stars. (Maybe we live in the same village?) But all they ever talk about is their kids or what car/beauty product/holiday/sofa they've just bought. I'm not saying they're not nice or interesting people, but there is a fearsome emotional front that just can't be crossed. People I most expected to have stuff in common with just don't get beyond casual acquaintance. It is very puzzling.

There are people I deeply care about, but we don't spend time with each other outside the school gates that often. Maybe twice a year? I know I should make the effort to arrange meet-ups but I gave up and made my social life elsewhere. There are only so many years of polite dinner parties and coffee mornings you can take before you realise a friendship will never get off the ground. My closest friend I met online, on a work-related forum. We met up for a coffee and five hours later peeled away from each other having laughed for England, dissected our industry, families, dreams etc - just instant connection. That, I imagine, is what the OP is missing. I know I was.

Interestingly enough, the people I feel closest to in our village are all immigrants from other countries who also felt a bit sidelined. (I'm from UK, but just seem to have more in common with people from Africa or US or South America who come here and find it rather emotionally sealed.)

tbh you sound so dismissive of other people - do you only want to meet people who agree with you about everything?

Op, you have had enough of a ribbing now, I think.

I go down like a fart in a spacesuit in the playground too.

There, I have said it out loud.

It is the loneliness in a crowd thing isn't it?

I like and crave being alone, and when I moaned to DH about having no Mum mates he did tell me that I was picky and wouldn't just spend time with anyone.
You want to click with someone. You want some one to "get" you. Someone who knows that when you are swearing under your breath whilst your toddler is misbehaving, that you are not an abusive parent.

I can't help really, but I empathise.

I have had to "tone it down" really. I have also had to accept that I am lucky to have my BF of 25 years (who I now live miles away from) and that I am not going to make another friend like that. I would like someone local who I can laugh until I ache with though, that would be lovely.

Of course not. If we were talking about choosing a lover, we'd be allowed to say random preferential things like, no hairy ears or third nipples, please. Surely friendship is just as important to find a right fit with?

ok - do you invite your childrens friends from school over - if so then do you invite mothers in for coffee etc - - also, if there's mother or 2 from yard you think might share your views - maybe invite their kids over - again invite mothers in..

but really you just seem to have dismissed the other mothers as being not worth your while . And you should perhaps remember that people are generally pretty good at seeing and recognizing when they're being patronised/looked down on etc.

Not sure why you mentioned bit re they think ur daughter is bossy? Wonder if ur daughter is picking up on ur attitude to parents of her classmates - the pool out of which she'll find her friends??

I just kind of threw myself out there: "oh we should meet at the playground sometime" , etc.

I never quite get it when people rule out other school mums as potential friends, assuming the only connection is a child of the same age.
I see it on so many threads. It seems so oddly judgemental. I can see potential for friendship with the majority of parents at the dc's school - there's some very interesting people from all backgrounds. Maybe I'm just very lucky, or just not picky, I don't know.

I moved to a brand new area when dc1 was tiny, and had to start making friends from scratch. I learnt that you find them everywhere- at playgroups, school playgrounds, book clubs, work. I once made a really good friend on jury service.

Just be open to it. Be receptive to anyone, chat to people, invite them for coffee and see what happens. And give it time, building friendships and creating rapport can take a bloody long time but they're often the most lasting friendships.

i think that your name, though, cheerful, is indicative of why someone might respond to that. whereas yadayada is the name of someone who is already bored, iykwim?
yada you clearly have wit, but to me (and i must stress i mean this constructively) you just sound insecure to the point that i wonder if it would be tense to spend time with you.
mothers are people first, i just find this line that every single woman you've met in the last five years who happens to have utilised her womb for procreation is boring and unworthy of your friendship... well, it's sexist and demeaning.

OP, I sympathise. I have no mummy friends where I live either, but I admit that is because I don't make the effort. I have friends with no kids where I live and friends with kids who live further away and TBH I'd rather spend what spare time I have with them than doing the local toddler/coffee shop round. To keep pals you do have to make time for them which can be hard. As a small child my mum had lots of mum friends in the local area but once we started in secondary school she only remained in contact with one of them.

I do find the grannies I meet in the playground are far more friendly and chatty than the mums though.

ll31 I do, I do, I promise I do. As I've said, (apart from in the odd facetious post) I do the whole baby group, park meet, lunch with us, lunch with you, thing. It's not that I do not continue to try. It's more the fact that these are not people who have really got me in BobblyGussets terms.

The one I mentioned who called DD bossy is someone I spent a lot of time with and helped her DD settle in both nursery and school with by pairing her and my DD up. Her comment has more to do with her own child's relative lack of assuredness than ANY - and I repeat - ANY bossiness on my gal's part. That's what has left me feeling so fucking jaded with it all because after all that, I get to hear her shit about my girl and am expected to smile it away.

I have not dismissed other mums, CurlyWurly, NOT AT ALL. I just want to find one (or two, or three) who are constant and true - as well as hilarious and irreverent and not liable to repackage their own insecurities as someone else's problem. I would not do that.

AitchTwoOh, with all due respect, I don't think my tag on Mumsnet has anything to do with anything. If that were any way to judge someone, I could argue that yours suggests that you believe yourself to be fundamental to all life and that would lead me to think you had an overweaning ego. But I wouldn't judge someone on their tag. And also, You really don't seem to be reading my actual comments so much as throwing forth your own E-pinions.

"i just find this line that every single woman you've met in the last five years who happens to have utilised her womb for procreation is boring and unworthy of your friendship."

AitchTwoOh I have said that NOWHERE. You, however, have.

Agree with your last post yadahyadah.

You posted again! Ha ha. I meant the one about your username.

booblygusset you sound like my kind of person! Where are you from? If you live in Northants let me know!

As with everything in life... You get out what you put in.

Your post is chock full of stereotypes, if you are so eager to pigeonhole people then it should be no surprise they might not be so
friendly.

Move when pregnant to northern friendly city suburb - took time to meet people DC was few months old - but I met so may great friendly people and made some real proper friends.

We unfortunately had to move - small Midlands town - much harder work to meet people but did make lots of acquaintances / causal hello quick conversation friends.

Had to move again - further out - lost everyone really met there. Been here four years - done everything did before - people generally much less friendly one neighbour down right hostile from off. I been everywhere - spoken to every one. I do know alot of nodding acquaintances at school gates and toddler groups but no real friends - when I stop seeing them there when they go back to work - that is always it.

We've had some really shitty things happen to us since been here but despite my shyness I've always made huge efforts with people- but last year after really bad couple of things a thought I'd made a proper friend at last. Should probably post of toxic friend thread - so many put downs and off behaviour - everything of mine she found a comment to put down even our well behaved doing well DCs.

She's moved on - and I'm think I'm better off not having any friends for a bit. I really want to batten down the hatches.

My eldest is now 6 - I've started to think I've been seeing the whole mummy friend thing in rose tinted glasses.

Perhaps you could be doing the same yadahyadah? Having an ideal friendship in your mind?

do you think, yada? see, i find that a really, really prickly response from you, like you absolutely aren't taking anything on board that anyone is saying.

apols if i have picked you up wrong (i am, after all, trying tohelp, what else would be the point of posting?) but in your OP you say ' in the land of motherhood I have been sadly dismayed at the lack of quality my kind of womanhood out here', and what i wrote was my paraphrasing of that.

if you think i was overly brusque with you (and i can see that you might) i would contend that i am responding to the manner in which you are writing yourself. if you had come on saying 'i am miserable and lonely and sick of myself and i just cannot seem to make any pals' then of course my tone would have been entirely different.

what is it you actually want? friends? advice? or just to moan and attack other women? i genuinely don't understand.

re my own name, it is meaningless tbh, formed from another name i used to have, and it was a bunch of MNers who made it up for me. it's not a classic MN name, that's for sure but it was a fun thread when they came up with it.

Hope you find someone who measures up soon yadah. I am sure there is another unique-but-just-enough-like-you individual out there ... somewhere.

Good luck with it all.