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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thinking baby bedtime routines are b*llocks?

122 replies

redbird79 · 16/09/2011 21:59

We have just started trying to be a bit more consistent in our 10mo's bedtime routine. Only problem is that now it takes over my entire evening- bath, supper,story, song/nurse to sleep. I now have less free time than I did before and DS still goes to sleep at roughly the same time- only with more whinging. Sorry, just needed to rant.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 17/09/2011 08:04

Talk to me about this self settling thing. Dd is 13 mo and is either bf to sleep or rocked by DH. She then sleeps well. She always hated being left to sleep, even as a tiny thing and we don't do tears. We co slept until around 11 mo now she is happy in her cot. She will settle herself back to sleep if she wakes in the evening on the whole.

How do you do it without tears?!

KD0706 · 17/09/2011 08:34

ninky have you tried putting your DD down very sleepy but still, only just, awake? That's what we did for DD. She's by no means perfect and has a dodgy night once or twice a month when she needs extra cuddles but in general she can now go down wide awake and take herself off to sleep.
She was about 13 months before she embraces self settling, and I'm not one for cc either.

Proudnscary · 17/09/2011 09:21

YABU

Not read any other posts. Is is the only best thing we did right with ours. It has enriched their lives iand I'm not exaggerating - routine gives stability, love and affection and quiet time before bed, a true love of reading, a good night's sleep so rested for the next day and for the parents an hour of real quality time with their baby.

My dc are 7 and 10 and we still have exactly the same bed routine as when they were babies!

SheCutOffTheirTails · 17/09/2011 09:24

"Children need routine to feel secure and happy."

Do they?

NinkyNonker · 17/09/2011 09:24

I must add that while we are very much of the laid back school of thought we did start a rough bedtime routine at about 8 wks. Even if that meant bath, nork, sleep on us downstairs for the evening then up...we didn't put her upstairs on her own for a while. I think that is worth doing and makes sense.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 17/09/2011 09:28

"She will settle herself back to sleep if she wakes in the evening on the whole."

That's self-settling.

BFing to sleep or rocking to sleep is nice, and it's probably something she's got used to and expects.

I found with BFing to sleep with both of mine that eventually they stopped falling to sleep BFing, so after their feed they were awake (but drowsy) when they went down. Gradually, they were just going down from awake. There were times with DD1 where she needed rocking etc.

The point is, if she can settle herself back to sleep, you know she can self settle. That's a good thing to have learnt. Having a cuddle before bed because she likes it is different.

NinkyNonker · 17/09/2011 09:31

Good. Grin

Avinalarf · 17/09/2011 09:31

Total palaver, imo.

I did the whole rigmarole with my first baby, but you just don't have time to do that with second baby and let me tell you - we were all better off for it, and my second baby slept miles better than my first.

bedtime routine in our house consists of warm milk, PJs on, clean teeth, very quick story, night night lights out. Whole thing takes under half an hour (i can do it in 15 mins if I have to!).

I don't understand this school of thought that says that to be a great parent you have to spend your entire evening faffing about with your baby trying to 'wind them down'.

Avinalarf · 17/09/2011 09:32

Should add - it is a a routine and we all need it, but it doesnt have to be a complete faff

KD0706 · 17/09/2011 09:32

I agree with SheCutOffTheirTails
if your DD couldn't self settle she would be waking you regularly in the night needing you to soothe her back to sleep.
It's fab that she can settle herself back to sleep if she wakes up and I would imagine that will naturally extend itself so she can settle herself initially when you first put her down.

Proudnscary · 17/09/2011 09:37

Hold on Avinalarf - I thought this is what we were all talking about? Milk/book/bath? That's what I mean has been such an important part of life.

NinkyNonker · 17/09/2011 09:40

If she wakes sometime from 3am ish she needs a cuddle or feed most of the time, but seems to be ok until then...funny things babies!

SheCutOffTheirTails · 17/09/2011 09:43

That's probably because that late she's a bit hungry. Or it's been such a long sleep she just needs a little cuddle. Just the remnants of needing to wake up several times a night for feeds.

FellatioNelson · 17/09/2011 10:00

Yes, SCOTN IMHO opinion they do. If you look at children who are known to social services, have behavioural/emotional problems, are in trouble with the police as youngsters, can't cope with the routine/rules of school life, come from classically 'dysfuncional' backgrounds, or families who 'can't cope', one of the things they will most have in common is a chaotic lack of structure or routine and an absence of boundaries, or inconsistency in their home lives. Even if they have it now as a result of fostering/adoption, they may still suffer from a lack of security/routine in their early years. This at its worst will lead to fear, aggression and an inability to deal with authority. Don't ask me for proof or links or empirical evidence, I don't have any. I just know it is true. Everyone knows.

But like I said - it's about the big things. Not about whether bedtime is always at 7, or sometimes 7.45.

NacMacFeegle · 17/09/2011 10:13

My kids did not have routines as babies, other than those they imposed themselves. They were BF'd to sleep, slept in my bed, went to bed when I did etc. DC1 and 3 slept through the night before a year (which is fine, and normal with EBF), DC2 has additional needs so skews the graph a little!

At 8, 6 and 2.8, they are extremely functional little people. Still without "routine" though! Our bedtime "rules" are that you don't go to sleep cross with someone, and you get a little 1-1 time before you go to sleep. That's it.

You don't need to force routine on kids, you certainly don't need to force independence - it happens naturally IME. You do stuff all day, then you eat, then you get tired. So you go to sleep. You probably get clean in there somewhere, but it doesn't really matter if it's before bed in the morning.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 17/09/2011 10:13

I think you are overcomplicating the bedtime routine and that's why it is taking so long. You say it is

bath, supper,story, song/nurse to sleep.

Well supper isn't part of bedtime at all, that should happen earlier and why ar you giving a bath and THEN supper? Wrong was around as they willb e covered in food right after a bath.

There is also no need for a song and a story. Choose one. At that age she doesn't need a story at all.

Too long winded!

Mine at that age was bath, milk, and then bed. When old enough it was bath, milk whilst I read them a story and then bed.

Bootcamp · 17/09/2011 10:13

Yadnbu. Did the whole spend entire evening getting babay into routine with dd1 and dd2. Dd3 fell asleep downstairs on lap while we enjoyed watching our programes and drinking wine, bliss!

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 17/09/2011 10:14

Wow that's a lot of typos, should be . . .

Well supper isn't part of bedtime at all, that should happen earlier and why are you giving a bath and THEN supper? Wrong way around as they will be covered in food right after a bath.

Original poster
redbird79 · 17/09/2011 19:32

Supper is in addition to dinner- suggestion by HV to get him to sleep longer. Not sure how well it works in that respect but he often doesn't eat much at dinner so I suppose it tops him up. We have thought about dropping it but not sure if that would just mean more night wakings....

OP posts:
voddiekeepsmesane · 17/09/2011 20:02

We set a routine for ds at 6 months and stuck to it for quite some time. Sure it takes up a fair amount of time at first but boy does it pay off in the end. Since 2yo (now 7) ds has gone to bed without any problems and the routine was/is done in 20/30 mins. He never ever comes back downstairs when routine starts that was one of our main rules, he can call us but thats it. I have had many comments about how well he settles himself/ goes off o sleep by family and friends. He now is very fexible with routine which is great.

I had many rules and things I was going to do before I had ds but the fact that dp and (eventually) wanted the evenings back to ourselves is the only thing I stuck to Blush

voddiekeepsmesane · 17/09/2011 20:04

Of course this not include any food (apart from when little and bf/ff in his room

BsshBossh · 17/09/2011 20:10

Just be consistent in the routine and hopefully you'll find the total time diminish to around 30 mins or so. Your baby will eventually (hopefully) learn the signals that the routine = sleep. I really enjoy my DD's bedtime routine now (she's 3) as it's also my own chance to wind down from the day too.

BsshBossh · 17/09/2011 20:13

Oh yes and dinner is not part of our bedtime routine, neither is a bath as bath time is always a fun, high energy activity for DD. Baths have never relaxed her! Our routine has always been milk with stories, teeth, bed. 15 to 20 mins tops.

iliketeawithachocolatehobnob · 17/09/2011 20:15

Yabu - stick with it, I'm sure it'll get easier.

At least it did for me, dd slept through from 10 weeks and now goes to bed no probs at 7ish every evening. And if you find it takes too long, change it to something that suits. The routine doesn't need to be long or complicated, just some way of letting dc know that it's time for sleep.

I guess routines don't work with all children, but it works for mine and the others I know. Most adults have 'bedtime routine' even if it's just brushing teeth and having a wee, but it's shown that have wind down / following a similar routine every night will help both adults and children sleep.

MangoMonster · 17/09/2011 20:21

I think bedtime routines are important but not easy to implement. You'll appreciate the free time when it's established, but I know it's hard. Keep at it.