SAHD who doesn't do housework?

[bushymcbush]

My DH looks after our DD (3yo) full time and I work (stressful and tiring job) full time.

Now, I know his job is looking after DD but I know when I did that job, I looked after the house too. It wasn't perfect but I tried to keep on top of the basics.

A year into our arrangement and his levels of housework are at an all time low.

He does cook almost every evening, and usually makes attempts to keep the kitchen tidy (not clean), but that's it.

The washing is constantly spilling out of the basket or sitting in clean baskets un sorted.

The carpets and floors are filthy.

The bathroom is filthy.

The house smells.

I often get home from work to find lunch and / or breakfast things all over the table still, DD watching TV and the dog unwalked.

AIBU to expect more?

Ah no, my kids are the same age as yours, Chocolate and I do do all the laundry/cooking/shopping; it's working at the moment as the elder has just started school and the younger isn't mobile yet. It might all fall apart when he works out what legs are for .

But I agree with what LaWeasel said; it should be about having equal amounts of down time. I basically get none during the day so DH and I share chores at the weekend, just blitz what needs to be done.

DS has colored on the walls a few times. Mr Clean Magic Eraser takes it off.

Our washer and dryer are in the bathroom so when DS was little I would put him in the bath and sit and talk to him while cleaning the toilet, folding laundry etc.

Now he plays out in the back (fenced in, and with our big dog) while I do dishes and clean the kitchen, because the kitchen window faces the back and I can see him all the time.

Our house is basically (very basically, believe me!) tidy and I still manage to play with DS, read to him, play card games, take a nap, read magazines and mumsnet constantly :o

Again, if you want to spend every second interacting with your child that's fine, but it doesn't make you a better parent than the ones who fob their kid off with 20 minutes of Kipper or tell them to play with their farm set or color by themselves for a bit so Dad/Mama can vacuum.

Oh my word, how can it be that a baby or child needs 8 hours of undivided attention during the day???

Do these babies not nap, are these toddlers unable to entertain themselves for a bit of time?

Surely if you are in the house, you could do one or two things during the course of the day, such as put away dishes, change the bedding or a bit of dusting? I think it's UR to suggest that staying at home to do childcare renders it impossible or unacceptable to do housework, as seems to be the general consensus on MN.

Just do a bit. Be kind. Contribute even in a little way to the comfort of those who live in your home. This goes for both parents, whether WOHP or SAHP.

Oh, and your DH is being lazy when your DD is home and he can't do a bit of housework while she's there. On days when she is at nursery, he is being a useless fucker.

Oh Candle, I'm so glad you're here! :o

YANBU - he's taking the p*ss. It's one thing not reducing the work load, but quite another to be adding to it. when I look after my 2.8yo, while he's eating his lunch I can totally sort out the kitchen, including wiping all the units down and sweeping the floor etc.

That said, if you were male and asking this question about your wife, you would get a very different response.

Boulevard I've cooked with both DS and DD in the Trekker (baby carrier of super human strength...) which I'm sure is, um, highly recommended by Child Protective Services When they've outgrown that, I've done stuff with a child attached to a leg/set the DC up with games, toys, etc/put them in their cribs with toys for 20 minutes to have time to unload the dishwasher, etc...

What I'm saying is, it isn't always a Cooking With Mother TV show around here but even with a 16 month old, it somehow gets done in a very haphazard fashion.....

Well, I mean honestly. Yank MN really is making me start to wonder these days.

Do people honestly hover over their offspring constantly? And I will put my flame retardant knickers on before I say...breath.... your babies nap on you all the time and climb all over you all the time because you have allowed / encouraged them to.

You (those who have said this on this thread) cannot use this as an excuse to not do other things when it is a product of your own creation.

Breathe.

I live in Berkeley. People do seriously hover over their offspring all the time. I know people who haven't gone out in five years (and yes, they could afford a babysitter), who still sit with their five year old until said child is asleep, who (whispers....) breastfeed their four-and-a-half year olds.....

It's a different country over here

Me, I look on from the sidelines while swigging bourbon from my hip flask....

And as you were......

I think there's a kind of sliding scale to balance the time spent actively hands-on parenting, and time spent doing stuff around the house- and the position on the scale depends on number and age of children, and what additional needs they have. When I was SAHM to a 3 month old who wouldn't nap, hated being put down, and breastfed a lot, any housework beyond what could be done with her in a sling was minimal- kept on top of basic meals, cleaning up, washing etc, but serious housework waited until DH was about to care for her. However, some household chores can be safely done with a 3 year old entertaining herself in the house- I still won't clean the oven with the children about because I won't take the risk with the chemicals used; I used to avoid ironing with toddlers roaming during the day- but it certainly ought to be possible for the SAHP to at the very least clear up the kitchen after themsleves.

If your DH was spending every day doing activities with your child, it'd be fair enough that not all the housework got done. Things like swimming lessons, playgroups, food shopping, music classes, visits to the park etc can eat into your day once you've done all the bag packing/ lunch making/driving/walking there and back. But it's really not acceptable for your DH to be playing on his computer all day- some downtime is fair enough, but not all day every day. IMO dog-walking would be an ideal activity for them to do together- a 3 year old cooped up all day with no fresh air would surely be climbing the walls?

How often do you maniacs clean the fucking toilet?

Seriously?

Every time someone shites into it?

I don't hover over my children. They are both brilliant at playing on their own, but I enjoy playing with them and I don't enjoy housework because it is boring and repetitive, unrewarding and mindless.

I will do whatever I can do to keep the house ticking over when the children are there, and proper cleaning when I have help at home.

And it's not remotely unhealthy for children to learn that it's fun to play with their parents, or that they are more important than making sure your toilet sparkles like the crown jewels.

Or that getting the fuck out of the house is more fun than hanging about being a tedious house-proud philistine who thinks that there is something worthwhile about skivvying around like women of my Granny's generation had no option but to do.

So look down on me and my scruffy house and my piles of washing that don't get done when I'm busy with work or there are too many social engagements to attend to for me to keep on top of loading the washing machine.

But know that I am looking down on you and your OCD homes and your children that "can be left alone for 5 minutes" while you endlessly shine your toilet bowl in case you have any competitive "friends" to come over and inspect it for you.

When my 1 year old naps, I rest. Because I think resting is more rewarding and more useful than cleaning. I preserve my energy for the stuff that matters, and that is not polishing the skirting boards or FFS bollocksology DUSTING! (yes, instead of doing something useful like sitting on my arse staring into space, I'm going to move dust around my house).

All the children I knew as a child who lived in really clean houses, the rest of us felt sorry for them.

And we were right.

Ok.

I think there's a balance and my experience is that a tidy organised home is a nice place to be for everyone including friends.

I have read many posts on here from people who were ashamed of the state of their house as children or who are embarassed if people drop round.

If that doesn't bother you then fine. But seriously - I don't give a hoot if you look down on me because I have a clean and tidy house.

Oh and of course I do ahem have a cleaner who does the 'proper' cleaning each week so mine is more of the surface tidying

But anyway the OP wasn't saying her DH was playing with her child - he was sat on his computer and the child was at nursery a fair bit so I totally do think he's a lazy sod.

Nobody visiting your home gives a fuck whether it is organised.

That doesn't make it nicer for your children's friends to visit.

How can you possibly think it would?

The things that make a home nice are about the humans in it - is it welcoming? can you play there without getting into trouble for making a mess? is there someone always there fussing over what you get up to?

The homes we liked to spend time in most as children were mostly messy and often kind of scummy. But they were fun.

And PMSL that any of us were thinking about how organised they were :o

Oh, I totally agree that the husband here is a lazy sod (as I have already said).

Well an organised home makes getting out of the house for school a lot less stressful.

And I do think its nice when things are in their place - you know, so children and friends want to play with lego and its where it should be.

But you know different strokes.

And having a tidy home doesn't preclude you from being a good parent - I don't look down on people with untidy homes - its up to them how they live but I don't believe they are a better parent either.

I think some of us are being a bit defensive.

I clean my toilet most mornings because I dislike scrubbing toilets. So I wake up, use the toilet :) , squirt in some cleaner, swish it about. 25 seconds. Spray glass/all purpose spray on mirror and basin/vanity. Wipe. 32 seconds. Take same cloth and spray, wipe down toilet and around base where, bless him, DS always seems to pee. (sigh...) 33 seconds.

Toss same cloth into washing machine, where I threw all the other dirty dark clothes last night before I went to bed. Pour in soap, put machine on. Less than a minute. When I get home I put the clothes in the dryer and DS and I put them away when they're dry. Sometimes a mountain builds up, in which case I fold them and put them into piles for the three of us while DS is in the bath. Everyone is responsible for his/her own pile.

Some days this does not get done. Some days nothing gets done because DS and I are "getting the fuck out of the house." Most days we get things done and also "get the fuck out of the house."

Today DS and I read a pile of books, walked to the shops while singing all the songs we know, made flowers with cardboard and crayons and glitter, played hide and go seek, etc. I've promised that since Daddy's away we can have a special Mama and DS night and watch Tangled and eat chee-tos when I get home from work. :)

I also cleaned the toilet, did a load of laundry, vacuumed, cooked lunch and dinner, did the washing up, mopped the bathroom floor, took out the garbage, swept the entryway, read a magazine, and mumsnetted. I didn't get a nap today but that is unusual.

Honestly, I'm quite insulted that anyone would think I'm a house-proud philistine, or that I do any of this for my "friends." Or that anyone would look down on me for taking a minute and a half to wipe the loo before anyone's awake, especially if I'm not looking down on anyone because they don't.

he should attempt to do some, though some days you go out and don't get chance to do a lot. taking dishes through to the kitchen and putting some washing onANDgetting it out again are reasonable expectations.

ds loves to help me put the washing on. having a child play/draw in the kitchen whilst some washing up is done is not unfeasible either. it may not be all the washing up done/loaded/unloaded if children get bored.

teaching children to tifdy aand help is also part of the job. though if dd helps to hoover you are likely to have a filthy floor with one very clean patch

I think you should have a balance. he should not expect to do nothing everyday (some days are nothing days if children are playing up/ill/out on a trip ) nor should you expect everything to be done. you should be sharing jobs when you get home til it all gets done.

Lived in & a bit dusty is fine. Mildew crusted loo & filthy kitchen where the mugs have grown legs is is too much for me. There is a big difference between the two.

I'm by no means a super house cleaning wonder woman....but I was so proud of myself today for filling the dishwasher and hoovering up before sitting down for my own breakfast!! DD (15mo) followed me around while hoovering and unplugged it for me a few times.(see AIBU toddler thread lol)

Major thorough cleaning gets done when DH is off and both of us get it done much quicker together. And DS(5) just loves a sink full of suds and a sponge to scrub the countertops.
DS(14) earns ps3 games by gathering up the recycling and weeding the garden etc....

So your DH can and should do enough to just keep the place looking like a home rather than student digs!!

I haven't read the whole thread so someone may have suggested this already, but it seems to me you need to sit down together and make a timetable with chores for both of you. That way your dh won't need to 'notice' which chores need doing (I'm like this, if something's been a mess for a while it's like it becomes invisible), and you'll both feel you're doing your fair share. Maybe you could sell it as teaching your dd about housework so she can help when she's older.

It might also help if you both spend a week or two blitzing the whole house so that chores can be about maintaining the tidyness rather than chipping at a mountain of housework.

I don't think he expects me to do the cleaning after work - he just doesn't see the need for it to be done at all.

There is the nub of your problem. You live with a slob.

DH and I both have high standards and like the house to be very clean and tidy. I am on ML at the moment but usually work full time. DH works full time in a very full on job and does voluntary work. Our down time is precious and we do not want to spend it cleaning (DH in particular does not want to spend it cleaning), so we have a cleaner twice a week. As I am on ML there is low level tiding up after myself and the children to be done during the day (our lunch needs making and then tidying away, books and toys get scattered about and need picking up at the end of the day, there is more laundry to do as DD is in reusable nappies) and I see that as part of my role of caring for DD while on maternity leave.

Doing a quick wipe down of the toilet in the morning us not something I would class as cleaning, more as general maintenance.

(Although, thank you Cheerful for the general "clean bathroom in 3 easy steps" tips :) )

Quick things you do as you go that reduce future work, I am all about - so systems that help me bring laundry where it needs to be as I go about the day I am very much into.

Leaving the house as a pigsty with dirty dishes all over the table where they were just left, is rude, because just stacking them and wiping down the table takes so little time.

What I don't do when I am with the children is Cleaning - top to bottom sorting out of a room, mopping floors, hoovering (noise sends DD1 batshit. Once her ears can take the high frequencies, I would hope to change this).

There is no point during the day when the Thing I Am Doing is housework. Mist of the time I would struggle to say what I am doing. But if I am concentrating on one thing, it will be the children, and not the housework, because they are my priority.

I would be very unhappy to come home from work to find the house like the OP's husband leaves it, because it is not possible to just ignore a dirty table with dishes all over it. The next time someone wants to eat, that will have be be cleared. Pretending not to notice food waste left around all day is bullshit, because it's clearly unhygienic. It's not like a pile of bills building up ( although that drives me nuts too - just put them in the file! It's not a job, it's 5 seconds of clearing.)

Also I would not be happy for my child to be sitting around all day being ignored by her father while he played games online. I'm sure (I know, in fact :o) that you can fit some online activity into the gaps, but that doesn't seem to be what is happening here.

He is a slacker op and it might be hard to bring this up, but he needs to pull his weight - ie at least clear up after him and your dd before you get home and sign on with an agency. Couples should be a partnership and he's letting you all down.

I don't think anyone's disagreeing that the OP's husband is a slacker.

Perhaps the disagreement on this thread is more style than substance. Like SheCutOffTheirTailsI don't really count keeping on top of things as you go along, wiping up spills and clearing away dirty dishes, as "housework", just basic maintenance (and I would be wound up if I got home and DH had left all the mess from a day with DS).

I think people whose children nap regularly, every day, for more than an hour, can get a bit of housework done. I only have Thursdays and Fridays at home and although I don't do it perfectly, I do do it.

And just like most MN debates, this is polarising wildly. Yes, as a kid you felt uncomfortable in houses that were showhomes but you also felt uncomfortable in houses that were very messy/dirty.