SAHD who doesn't do housework?

[bushymcbush]

My DH looks after our DD (3yo) full time and I work (stressful and tiring job) full time.

Now, I know his job is looking after DD but I know when I did that job, I looked after the house too. It wasn't perfect but I tried to keep on top of the basics.

A year into our arrangement and his levels of housework are at an all time low.

He does cook almost every evening, and usually makes attempts to keep the kitchen tidy (not clean), but that's it.

The washing is constantly spilling out of the basket or sitting in clean baskets un sorted.

The carpets and floors are filthy.

The bathroom is filthy.

The house smells.

I often get home from work to find lunch and / or breakfast things all over the table still, DD watching TV and the dog unwalked.

AIBU to expect more?

Cbeebies obviously.

Maybe he is not enjoying being at home and is not bothering due to low mood. He might be happier if he managed to get back into work. Have you discussed this.

He's taking the piss. Sorry. I work p-t and would bloody love a second to myself of me-time, let alone two and a half days! He can go back to work in that time if he's going to arse about.

People who claim you can "store" babies were either very lucky or don't remember. My toddler is easy peasy now compared to when she was a refluxy, scream if you left her 4 month old

THose of you that can't keep up with basic housework with a toddler-who exactly is in charge in your house?
At one point when I was a sahm I had 3 under 3 and my eldest is autistic, I'm no super woman, but I did the basics and played with them/went out with them. You do get quicker over time. I suppose if you have just the one they have no one to play with but you, but then you start them off on something and then get on with it. Not all day obviously, but 15 minutes here and there adds up to a cleanish house most days. Dh always got stuck in when he got home too, but the house was never a tip when he got home.
Head downand get on with it is my motto.
Now they're at school and I have day and half off work I find it very hard to get motivated. I need the 2 episodes of peppa pig limit to get me speed cleaning!

This is one reason my husband is no longer a SAHD. No-one expects a spotless house, but dirty dishes from breakfast, no clean plates and no washing done, it's ridiculous. And as for all the 'my job is the child', I actually think that's an unhealthy amount of one-on-one time if you can't fit in loading the dishwasher with a three year old present.

YANBU.

Tell him to get on Mumsnet and join us on the FlyLady threads. :)

I am home all summer and from noon on every weekday the rest of the year. I do all the washing and general tidying. DH works 12 hours a day and does bath and bed. We split things on weekends. Once a week he's home from 10:30 to noon because he picks DS up from preschool, and he does lunch (has mine waiting for me when I get home) and does the lunch dishes.

If our positions were reversed I'd expect him to keep the house fairly tidy, and I expect to do the same since I work outside of the home one third of what he does. It doesn't always get done, but it's not asking too much to run over things with a damp rag or bung a load of washing in. DS is four now and is expected to help too.

I'd say the same thing to either parent who stayed at home, be they SAHM or SAHD.

I think he's being lazy and I would say that to a woman too.

The priority of a sahp is to look after the children, but I think it is also to do whatever needs doing during the day. That means keeping the house relatively clean and doing necessary admin for the smooth running of the home. The children's environment should be hygienic. Surely it's a matter of self respect and personal pride to not want to live and raise a child in a filthy house.

Now I don't think a wohp should expect their partner to do all their personal things. I do quite a lot for my dh because he works hard. I don't mind doing what I can to make his life easier. If he demanded or expected it, it would cease. I've also now made a point of getting dh to pull his weight when he isn't working. That strikes me as fair. When wohp gets home, jobs should be split.

Even if you take a view that it should all be split exactly 50/50, your husband isn't even doing that. I dip in and out of here quite a lot during the day, but my house is vacuumed most days, laundry done, kitchen and bathroom cleaned and washing up done. I also cook every day for the dc and make packed lunches etc. I did these things when I had small dc at home and still managed to play with them and do nice activities.

I am no supermum/1950's style housewife, but just doing those basic things didn't take that long and still gave me some time to dip in and out of here.

Those of you who are saying that a three year old needs attention - they can and should also be able to entertain themselves for a bit. I've been home with a two year old for 3 hours today and I've tidied up a bit, sorted the bins, done a load of washing, taken him for a walk to the shops and to the park and spent some time on the internet. What's he doing all day??

My dh does very little when he's with the dcs...drives me bonkers. If he gets up on a weekedn morning with them, it's carnage...dirty breakfast things everywhere. He'll have allowed ds to carry toast into the living room scattering crumbs everywhere. Dishwasher unemptied and pyjamas and dressing up clothes strewn around. He gets up 7ish I get up at 9 and it usually results in me biting my lip as i launch into cleaning or a full scale row.

When it's my turn I stick the kettle on for a cuppa and have usually unloaded the dishwasher by the time it's oiled I've got that quick at it!

YANBU, I wouldn't expect a full spring clean but keeping it tidy and hygeinic can be done as you're going along. The only time I struggled with that was when I was bf and needed the rest when they slept.

Anyone who can't supervise a kid and keep a house clean, organised and tidy, as well as shopping and cooking is lazy or stupid.
Both quite possibly.

I do think he just doesn't 'see' the mess a lot of the time. He certainly doesn't have as good a sense of smell as me. The fridge was absolutely reeking of garlic the other day from a jar he'd not closed properly and he couldn't smell it.

Yes, because he has trained himself not to see it.
I absolutely could not live with a slob.
No way.

I think the difference between this thread and the other one running at the moment is that on the other one, the OP is accused of being lazy because she's a sahp. But she is a sahp who is also keeping the house clean while ironically enough, being married to a lazy bugger who feels entitled to sit on his arse and not help when he is at home. On this thread we have a sahp who isn't doing anything, including much activity with the child by the sounds of it.

stop making excuses,he sees it
choses not to do fuck all about it
nowt wrong with his peripheral vision or executive functioning hes just talking the piss

He is a lazy fuck.

Part of looking after a child is ensuring that they are able to play in a clean and safe environment, have clean clothes etc etc.

If he's got breakfast shit all over the table then they are not going to be sat doing activites are they?

He is ripping the piss and failing your daughter.

It is total bollocks that he can't see mess. He can see it. He just doesn't feel responsible for it.

You will do it at the weekend, won't you.

Tell him to get a job and put your DD in nursery where someone will look after her and not plonk her in front of the TV all day.

for as long as you make excuses he will rip the piss
you are unwittingly facilitating his lazy behaviours by constructing am excuse and probably then doing the chores

I don't see mess. Instead of living in squalor I make a real conscious effort. I have to have a routine or things don't get done. He is lazy.

He is lazy. Whoever is the parent at home should do housework during the day.

I think the SAHP should do the majority of the housework/laundry etc - regardless of whether it's the Mum or the Dad. No double standards here. I also think that if the kids are unwell, incredibly demanding or you are out for the day then there's no reason to feel guilty about not getting anything done around the house and anyone who complains in that situation can do and take a long walk on a short pier. But all of this 'my job is the children' bullshit is just people being incredibly lazy - yes the kids come first & there should be plenty of playing time/going out time etc. In this situation he doesn't even seem to be doing much with the DD - so entirely crap!!

Bushy - you need to have a talk along the lines of 'I'm fed up of this, something needs to change, either you do xyz or I'll stay home and you can work fulltime' (or whatever will get through to him that this is not going to continue).

Just to restate my position - I would be saying this is the roles were reversed.

I haven't read all 100+ messages so this may already have been covered but could your DH be depressed, if not clinically then just a bit low, bored, demotivated? I would ask the same of a SAHM. The job can be so repetitive and the reward of seeing your child flourish, while wonderful, can sometimes seem really intangible compared to the recognition available in paid work. If your DH has hit a wall with his role maybe he is escaping into tv, the Internet etc because he can't face the jobs he should be doing. If it was a mum I would be asking how much she got out and about to do things with other mums and how much 'me time' she had away from the kids and the housework. Maybe as a couple you need to review your work/ childcare arrangements and check you're both still committed to the roles you have now. Anyway, apologies again if this has been said already.

I don't think SAHP should be responsible for housework.

Looking after children is why they are at home, so they should concentrate on that.

However, it sounds like he is ignoring your child and spending the day larking about online.

It also sounds like he is treating the place like a pigsty and not even tidying up after meals, which is incredibly inconsiderate (and I am a complete slattern, raised by a slattern SAHM)

I would not be happy to work my arse off so another adult could sit around at home all day making a mess I was expected to clean up and ignoring our child.

of course a sahp should be housework given someone else works 37+hrs to keep them and be sole wage earner. cant turn childcare into some high floutin thing that no other domestic task should encroach upon

YANBU he's lazy.

And I would say the same to a man who was talking about his wife and believe I have done so in the past.

How does anyone manage to spend 10 hours a day looking after one child and not find any time to stick a bog brush down a loo or stick on a washing?

Seriously - if you find that you cannot do both then something is very very wrong with you organisational abilities.

I would do laundry on a day with my DDs, but no way would I be cleaning the bathroom.

There's nothing wrong with my organisational abilities. I just think spending time doing shit with my children is more important than cleaning the bog.