SAHD who doesn't do housework?

[bushymcbush]

My DH looks after our DD (3yo) full time and I work (stressful and tiring job) full time.

Now, I know his job is looking after DD but I know when I did that job, I looked after the house too. It wasn't perfect but I tried to keep on top of the basics.

A year into our arrangement and his levels of housework are at an all time low.

He does cook almost every evening, and usually makes attempts to keep the kitchen tidy (not clean), but that's it.

The washing is constantly spilling out of the basket or sitting in clean baskets un sorted.

The carpets and floors are filthy.

The bathroom is filthy.

The house smells.

I often get home from work to find lunch and / or breakfast things all over the table still, DD watching TV and the dog unwalked.

AIBU to expect more?

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

I didn't feel uncomfortable in houses that were messy or dirty.

All the coolest kids with the most friends lived in houses like that.

I have been blessed with good nappers. Nap time = my break. I don't start cleaning the office on my lunchbreak, either.

[PenguinArmy]

We fought for so long with DD naps that there is no way either of us does anything when she does sleep as she's still a light sleeper (and we live in a small flat). To be fair I would probably do more now that DD is older if it weren't for the fact I'm 36 weeks pg.

Agree with the poster who said we all probably think the OPs DH is being a lazy slob, but people are also responding to the principle of does SAHP= Vast majority/All of Housework

[Robotindisguise]

Yes, tails, but your office has a cleaner.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

I'm not the cleaner at my office OR at home.

[Trippler]

I was a sahm with one 3 yr old.
If DH had come home and passed comment on the state of the house, not knowing what I'd had to deal with that day, or what good things I;d done, I'd have eaten him for breakfast.
SAHP does not automatically equal cleaner unless you have negotiated that role for him specifically and he has agreed.

[donthateme]

He's taking the piss.
I have only ever been home on maternity leaves and when I used to work part time, and I saw it as my responsibility to do the vast majority of housework, cooking etc then. Its not that hard- if it can be managed while heavily pregnant, with a new born or with several kids under 5 then its easily manageable with one 3 yr old! Many household tasks just don't take long these days. Laundry is a doddle- in the washer, press a button, hang out. The breakfast and lunch dishes can be washed up in' a few minutes as you go along. I would be seriously pissed off if my dh were home with one child all day' and I came home to what you describe.

Having said all that, this is one of those topics where sexism is rife on MN because many threads where its the woman at home bang on about what a difficult job it is and how she can only look after the kids and shouldn't be expected to do anything else!!

[fedupofnamechanging]

I wouldn't want to go out to work all day and then come home to a pit. I would expect my dh to keep on top of the basics. I would expect, when I wasn't working, to share whatever needed doing. My dh feels the same, so that's how it works here.

I think if you have dc with SN, or many young children, then that can be a full time job, but for most people, their dc do spend a bit of time watching cbeebies, or having a nap or playing with their toys and there is not excuse to do nothing.

[DoMeDon]

I am confused between the house maiatainence and hosuework - from the sound of it I never rarely do any actual housework

[AbbyAbsinthe]

Loving the attitude that SAHP job is JUST to take care of the children

What a load of shit. That's like saying that as I go out to work, I shouldn't have to do anything resembling housework when I get home. I fucking wish!

It's all so contradictory.

If you stay at home to look after children, the housework during the day is part of your JOB. Suck it up - whoever you are.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

DoMe or MAYBE you are so efficient at cleaning as you go that you don't need to do housework :o

[DoMeDon]

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

Abby if I stay at home to look after my children, I won't have a job. Or a boss. And your opinion of what I should or shouldn't be doing will be something I won't ever think about.

Your post makes no sense though. If having a job doesn't let you off having to do housework, then the partners of SAHP still have to do the same amount of housework they've always done. So there's no need for people to act as skivvies as well as providing childcare.

Some of us just think we are worth more than that. It's sad that you don't, so I understand your anger that other women don't have the same shit deal as you.

[TheBolter]

So, err... does your house clean itself CutOff?

[AbbyAbsinthe]

I'm not a skivvy. I earn a wage of my own AND manage to look after my house and my children. Can you imagine? I don't have to rely on someone else's money AND I do more in my house than hover around my children unneccessarily. You should try it. Maybe then you wouldn't have such an over inflated ego, your house wouldn't be a shithole, and you wouldn't be thought of as a lazy arse. Cos that's what I think.

[BoulevardOfBrokenSleep]

If you left your kids with a childminder for 8 hours, and asked when you got back, "How did it go?"

And she said, "Fantastic, I got my bathroom cleaned and the whole house hoovered!"

.....would you think
a) I'm so glad I'm not employing a lazy childminder, or
b) WTF? That's not what I pay you for!

This is the principle I work on.

[Nanny0gg]

Housework (to whatever degree) has to be done unless you can cope with squalor.
The person with the most time should do the most, but not all. Obviously they aren't slaves and shouldn't be doing it 24/7 and when both are at home the burden is shared.
I don't think any SAHP entertains their children the whole time so yes, part of their 'job' should be some form of house 'care'.
Otherwise, that's the weekend/evenings gone for both partners.

[AbbyAbsinthe]

Yes but the OP's DH isn't childminding his own children.. All of it should be shared 50/50 imo, regardless of gender.

[DoMeDon]

But it's a flawed principle. You are solely paying a CM to care for and entertain your child. Being a parent is not a 'job' it is a life choice, it is a joy to look after my child Yes, it's sole destroying sometimes and occassionally work is easier tbh.

When you are a family caring for your DC, doing housework and earing a wage are all in it together. You divide those tasks however you see fit and agree as a family.

When I SAHP I did 90/10 share of housework on DH's working days, now I work PT we do about 70/30 (that's including any and everything) if I worked FT we would do 50/50, if he went PT we would do 50/50. It is a question of fairness. I am home more and have more time off, it makes sense for me to do a bit more.

This I must spend every minute with my DC when I am SAHP makes no sense. I hate idea of stepford with sparkly skirting boards but I equally hate the idea that the WOHP is out all day and comes home to piles of shite. It's not fair. Immaculate, no, tip, no - there is a middle ground!?!

[TheBolter]

Hear hear Abby.

[HowAboutAHotCupOfShutTheHellUp]

If you are at work all day, DH should do the housework, especially as your job is tiring / stressful. Why the hell should you come home and start working again, ie. cleaning and washing, when that is your DH's role, as a SAHP.

Totally disagree that he shouldn't be expected to do the housework.

[BoulevardOfBrokenSleep]

So... if I go out to work, earn a wage and employ a CM, then my kids deserve better quality care and attention than if I provide it myself?

Then there'd be no point in SAHM'ing at all, we should all outsource our childcare to professionals...

Clearing away breakfast/lunch dishes, a bit of laundry, putting toys away fair enough; but I'm not going to embark on the hoovering or bog-scrubbing while I'm 'on the clock' childcare-wise.

[Georgimama]

Actually I pay my CM to care for my children in a home environment. That includes her doing things like her cleaning and shopping, taking the car to the garage for an MOT, going to the post office to send a parcel, as well as play dates, school run, trip to the park, coffee with a friend and their mindees/children - you know, the stuff I do while with them if I am at home.

Threads like this make me realise there is a small but determined army of parents who see "parenting" as a 24/7 job which is all encompassing and involves total concentration on their child(ren). Being the object of so much attention must be pretty wearing for a child, I must say.

[donthateme]

The argument about childminding is bizarre. My dd was at a fantastic childminder from age 2 and half til she started school. Childminder had a son of similar age. My childminder managed to feed the children lunch, entertain them ,take them for walks, and would also be doing a teatime snack when I picked up sometimes. She managed to look after my dd and her ds wonderfully without her house looking like a shithole. Oh and there was no sign of breakfast mess when I did the morning drop off either- probably because she managed to clear it away in 5 minutes after breakfast. Rather like I used to load the dishwasher before setting off to drop my dd off with her. Amazing isn't it?!

Oh and if I asked how 'the day had been she would tell me about where they'd been and what my dd had done- she didn't bore me with the minutiae of how Many loads of washing she'd put on etc, just like when I was home when working only part time, I wouldn't tell my dh all about the washing when he got home.

The normal day to day home routine is as arduous as you choose to make it. If you decide it's a full time job then it will expand to become one. If you just get on with it- it doesn't!

[magicmummy1]

Most childminders care for multiple children and have to follow the eyfs, complete lots paperwork etc. It is not a comparable situation.

As the main breadwinner in my family, I would not be prepared to fund my DP to stay at home only to look after one 3yo. I see no benefit to the child in hovering over them all day, and I would expect the SAHP do the bulk of the work around the house. If he wasn't prepared to do that, then I would ask him to get a job and outsource the childcare. The OP's dd is at nursery for half the week already.

If my DP felt strongly that dd needed a parent to stay at home, yet wasn't willing to do this himself while taking on the lion's share of the housework, then I would expect him to find a job and I would stay at home. Looking after one 3yo is not a full time job, and I wouldn't be prepared to slog my guts out working to fund my DP in this lifestyle.

Fortunately, when DP was at home with dd, he did his fair share of the housework. Now we are both working again, we share it 50:50.

[DoMeDon]

That's not what I said at all. A CM is paid to do one thing - like when I am at work I am paid to do my job - they take a dim view of me doing household tasks.

I said it is a choice for a family to deecide how they spend thier time and divide the chores. Clean when DC are alseep, make DP do all the cleaning or do it yourself when your DP is home, or whatever combo you wish - up to you and your family.

But you cannot equate SAHP and CM - it is different. I am a parent wherever, whenever, whatever I am doing. CM clocks off.

Do you think you will raise a well balanced child if you constantly attend them? I don't - I think they need time to BE, time to imagine without a parent joining/cajoling/supporting.