SAHD who doesn't do housework?

[bushymcbush]

My DH looks after our DD (3yo) full time and I work (stressful and tiring job) full time.

Now, I know his job is looking after DD but I know when I did that job, I looked after the house too. It wasn't perfect but I tried to keep on top of the basics.

A year into our arrangement and his levels of housework are at an all time low.

He does cook almost every evening, and usually makes attempts to keep the kitchen tidy (not clean), but that's it.

The washing is constantly spilling out of the basket or sitting in clean baskets un sorted.

The carpets and floors are filthy.

The bathroom is filthy.

The house smells.

I often get home from work to find lunch and / or breakfast things all over the table still, DD watching TV and the dog unwalked.

AIBU to expect more?

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

You wouldn't clean a bathroom?? It takes all of 15 minutes ffs out of a 10 hour 10. Can't your children do anything on their own?

[aStarInStrangeways]

unfortunate juxtaposition of images there SheCutOffTheirTails

[MumblingRagDoll]

Why is he not putting your child in nursery for the hours allotted free? Does he go to playgroups?

That wold worry me more than a mucky house tbh

Is the child properly socialised?

[curlytoes]

Still wondering if SAHD could be depressed and/or doesn't really want to be a SAHD anymore.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

I know aStar - I really should start previewing IN ADVANCE :o

No, Maisie, I wouldn't clean the bathroom.

Why should I?

That gets done during chore time at weekends when one of us looks after the kids and the other (the lucky one, who gets to start and finish something without interruption) does jobs.

Maybe you want to ignore your children so you can have a sparkling bowl, but I'd rather have a grubby toilet and build a tower that reaches up to the ceiling.

[moondog]

God what smug crap.
Some peopel are lazy.
End of.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

YANBU and he's a lazy man and a slack parent. My H did SAHPing for a few months and hated it, he showed his disdain for the role by failing to do anything above the bare minimum of housework and being frankly shit with DS.

I can only say that things have improved a million fold now and (among many, many other things) him going to work was the main thing. Does he actually want to be a SAHP? Because if he does, then he needs a stark and firm talking to on the roles and responsibilities of the SAHP (an appraisal if you like?) and if he doesn't - well give him a deadline to get work, enrol her in nursery on that date and tell him his wages are needed to pay nursery, so he better get off his arse. I'd much rather pay someone to entertain and stimulate DS and be no better off financially, than have him being under stimulated in front of the TV for much of the day with the resentment thatbrings towards H on top.

FWIW I believe that the role of SAHP includes basic daily housework. Not keeping house clean as a whistle and having dinner on the table sharp at 6 - but daily maintenance and chores are a must.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

Hardly ignoring your children to spend 15 minutes cleaning the toilet, SheCut - get some perspective. Children can amuse themselves for a time during the day without mummy manically building towers for them.

Why not clean your house during the week when you are at home and your partner out working to keep you at home, and then way you can all enjoy family weekends together without chore time?

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

If I'm cleaning the toilet I am not paying attention to my children.

My priority is them, not cleaning.

I have fun with my children, and I'd rather be smug about that than smug about what a wonderful housewife I am with a clean house and a husband who never lifts a finger to look after himself.

There are jobs that need my full attention. They don't get done when I am in charge of the children, or when DH is in charge of the children.

We both work full time BTW, although I'm not sure why either of us would suddenly lose the ability to do housework if the other stopped working.

[CheerfulYank]

I clean the toilet in the morning before anyone's up...if you do it every day, it takes five seconds.

Swish n swipe, people!

[CheerfulYank]

It's really, really okay not to pay attention to your children for a few minutes here and there.

[Nagoo]

I wipe round the bathroom wile the DCs are in the bath, or while they brush their teeth or something. It takes 15 seconds if you do a little bit every day.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

DS likes to help me clean, we cleaned the bathroom together today and he loved it. He adores to spray cleaning sprays so he has a bottle filled with water, a cloth and he's away. It's absurd to say that you need to spend every waking minute attending to children so can't do any housework during the day! It's absurd and also completely lazy.

[curlytoes]

Ha! 15 mins uninterrupted would have been a miracle for me not so long ago. I had my 3 children close together so had 3 under 3 1/2 years. I rarely got to clean my teeth for a full 2 mins before someone needed something. My kids are now 4, 3 and 17 months and if the house if looking fab then they've been watching telly and being fobbed off. However the OPs DH only has one 3 year old so a bit more housework should be possible. Maybe he doesn't want to be a SAHD anymore.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

Oh for heavens sake - you can do both. Children are perfectly capable of amusing themselves whilst the SAHP does a bit of cleaning, and you are deluding yourself if you think otherwise.

But then you are a self confessed complete slattern.

[TadlowDogIncident]

YANBU to expect a certain basic level of clearing up as he goes along (and in any case it sounds as though you have more serious issues than the amount of housework your DH is doing), although in general I agree with those who say that a SAHP's job is the children, and any housework that gets done is a bonus.

For comparison, DH is a SAHD, DS is 1 and high-maintenance (specifically, we are very envious of people whose babies nap!). DH does all the washing and clears up the mess as he goes along during the day (so I never come home and find the breakfast things still there, though I might find the remnants of DS's tea). Otherwise housework is shared.

[Nagoo]

[TadlowDogIncident]

Oh, and housework is miserable and depressing - if I don't want to do it, why should I expect DH to do it? He didn't give up work to look after the house, and I haven't somehow lost the ability to look after myself or do my share of the crap because I'm working.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

First of all, I can't clean the bathroom and pay attention to a 1 year old. 1 year olds can't be left unattended so their mother can do cleaning.

Second of all, even if I could leave them unattended to do boring jobs, I DON'T WANT TO.

I don't think having a clean house is very important.

And even if I were to give up work to look after my children, cleaning would not come any higher up in my priorities. And if my DH thought he was going to get a housewife in the SAHM bargain, he'd be sorely mistaken.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

High fives Tadlow

Totally agree, laundry and clearing away dishes I do when I'm off. More involved cleaning I don't.

[TadlowDogIncident]

High fives back to SheCutOffTheirTails

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

I think the I DON'T WANT TO is probably the key phrase there.

Fair enough, that's your lookout, but stop with the 'I'm not paying attention to my children if I'm cleaning' arguement, as if somehow anyone who incorporates some basic cleaning into their day is a smug hausfrau who ignores her children when she should be building towers up to the ceiling.

[CheerfulYank]

You can't bring the 1 year old in the bathroom with you?

If you and your partner don't think a clean house is important, then that's fine as your priorities are in line.

That is not the case with the OP.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

argument even

[TadlowDogIncident]

Well, I certainly wouldn't clean the bathroom with my 1-year-old in tow, CheerfulYank: even if he wasn't trying to get into the cleaning stuff, he'd be unravelling the toilet roll and squirting my expensive shower gel everywhere (bitter experience of just trying to clean my teeth with him in the bathroom earlier this week - I let him fossick around in the shower and discovered that he could work a pump dispenser).