SAHD who doesn't do housework?

[bushymcbush]

My DH looks after our DD (3yo) full time and I work (stressful and tiring job) full time.

Now, I know his job is looking after DD but I know when I did that job, I looked after the house too. It wasn't perfect but I tried to keep on top of the basics.

A year into our arrangement and his levels of housework are at an all time low.

He does cook almost every evening, and usually makes attempts to keep the kitchen tidy (not clean), but that's it.

The washing is constantly spilling out of the basket or sitting in clean baskets un sorted.

The carpets and floors are filthy.

The bathroom is filthy.

The house smells.

I often get home from work to find lunch and / or breakfast things all over the table still, DD watching TV and the dog unwalked.

AIBU to expect more?

You want me to lock a 1 year old in the bathroom so I can clean a toilet that can be just as well cleaned when there is another parent there to look after her?

Why would I do that?

"anyone who incorporates some basic cleaning into their day is a smug hausfrau who ignores her children"

That's pretty much what I think, yes. And the little lectures on here about how I should be doing more and my children wouldn't suffer for it are just confirming me in that view.

The case with the OP is that her DH isn't doing the P part at all, he's just SAH.

No-one has lectured you - just pointed out that, despite your protestations to the contrary, it is perfectly possible to do both without the children growing up deprived or neglected in any way.

You don't want to clean, which is fine for you and is obviously OK with your DP/H as you have openly admitted to being a slattern, but not for the OP.

You seriously cannot take a one year old in the bathroom with you for five minutes?

I never said anything about locking...can the kid even reach to the doorknob?

Again, if you choose not to that's fine! But of course you could . It literally takes thirty seconds to swish some toilet cleaner in the bowl. Thirty more seconds to wipe the mirror.

And I can't believe that you honestly think that anyone who does basic cleaning during the day is a smug hausfrau.

Cleaning the toilet doesn't take any longer than pooing into it. I can't believe that people are consciously not cleaning toilets until there is another adult in the house. I can understand general slatternish behaviour, but not thinking that it is actually neglectful to spend a few minutes doing some basic cleaning.

High fives CheerfulYank!

Felt I needed to do that - there seems to be a lot of it on here tonight

Must go, toilets to clean and children to neglect. I may even kick that tower down that the DCs have been building all day long without me - sniff - just to remind them how much I dislike mess. Gute Nacht!

YA most definitely NBU - your DH is a total lazy arse, this thread has really got my goat.

How can he possibly not have time to keep the house going during the day?

Why should you have to work full time while he sits around doing nothing all day and then expects you to do the housework as well ?

As an SAHM to a 4yo, I must say I'm intrigued by these 3yos that can be left to play quietly in a room while mummy gets on with the housework.

Do you not find it takes longer to get the crayon off the walls afterwards than you gained in the 'quiet playing'?

I don't think your DH is BU not to stick DD in front of the telly so he can do housework; I do think he is BU to stick her in front of the Tv so he can MN (or male equivalent).

I find that crayola washable felt pens come off the wall with a quick wipe. [/product recommendation]

I did the bulk of the cleaning when DH was a SAHD and I worked ft, but DS was really tiny then. He did tidy, cook dinner and clear up the kitchen. I used to be the one to properly clean and do the laundry. But that was ok because DS was really small and needed lots of attention. I'm at home now and DH works, DS is 3 yo and I do most of the cleaning, including sorting out and cleaning two rooms we run for bed and breakfast. DS does not need constant attention, he's happy playing with his trains or sometimes following me about. I'm heavily pregnant too at the moment and can still do it. DH still cooks and tidies the kitchen.

DS's friend's mum however refuses to clean the house saying she's doing childcare so her DH should do it.

Maybe I'm not a good mum, but I don't think I could give DS that level of attention all day that would make me unable to do anything else. I don't think it would be good for him either.

Boulevard I'm lucky that DS isn't the type to do that with pens. He just plays with trains all the time.

I actaully think it's unhealthy to give your Dc undivided attention. They need to be left alone to explore and imagine and develop without mummies tower to the ceiling game!?!

Both DP & I have had time as SAHP; he's doing it now, lucky sod.

Basic rule: I work 10 hrs a day to bring home the moolah, so he needs to work the same for his share of it. House is cleaned to my standard (higher than his) because that was the standard set when I was sah-ing.

At the moment, sah is his job, & he's pretty good at it. Make sure your DH understands it's his.

I don't think he expects me to do the cleaning after work - he just doesn't see the need for it to be done at all.

Mind you - and this is a massive mind you - I've just been in the bathroom and noticed that today he has .... (drum roll) .... cleaned the basin! Which is one thing he does do sporadically. Like once a month. So I feel bad for starting this thread now.

Rest of the bathroom (and rest of house) is still a hole though.

I couldn't live in a house that didn't get a once a week go through. That's just me but I'd be having serious words about who is responsible for what and when.

I do think you need to have a chat about it. As was said on the first page you should be having equal amounts of down time.

Today I was being lazy and just messed around on MN while DD had her nap, so I did about an hour of cleaning/tidying while DH played on the XBox this evening, fair enough imo.

would it help if you said something along the lines of 'the house is a tip, we can't keep living like this. so, what shall WE do about it' followed by what you suggest you can do (eg put on a load of washing before work). might make him more receptive if he doesn't feel got at?

Did dh give up his job or did he lose it? Did he choose to be at home? I still think there is a high chance he is depressed and has lost interest in his own child and home, never mind the dog. It's not normal to be so apathetic.

Men are more isolated as SAHD than women. I would be asking him to think about returning to work, or seeing the GP about his mood.

Good suggestion kakapo. I will try that.

DH lost his job but he was genuinely glad to have the opportunity to be at home with DD.

The thing about one year olds is that they nap. I clean the bathroom while my DS naps. Or I clean the loo and the basin while he's in the bath.

I do think men tend to have a higher tolerance for dirt. I always feel a bit guilty if my DH starts cleaning something unprompted as it normally means it's got really really filthy... he does do his share of cleaning though, and he works full time and I work part time. I'm sure if he was a SAHP he would do most of the housework.

Gosh I must be a terribly bad mother as you know I do quite a bit of housework and laundry and ironing and cooking and gardening whilst taking care of 3 dc's.

No wonder DD is so good at tidying up at playgroup

But seriously - little and often and housework gets done and personally I think its good for children to see that chores have to be done and they can help from a young age and then you all get to go and have fun.

I really thought this was what most SAHP's did.

YANBU! I'm a SAHM with 2 at school and DTs at home. DTs have recently started a playgroup every morning which gives me cooking, cleaning, chores time. BUT for the last 3 yrs whilst they've been home, I have cooked, kept the house clean and laundry done. DTs 'help' me clean and tidy, they play whilst I do bathrooms and I would do any particularly un-child-friendly jobs whilst they napped. And yes, I even managed Mumsnet time during naps. I do think he needs to pull his weight!!

"The thing about one year olds is that they nap"

Not all of them.

Some of them don't even sleep at night.

This thread is filling me with bitter resentment towards those with charming, helpful, biddable children. If you'll excuse me, I think I might go and weep in the corner for a bit....

Another awful mum here - I do all the laundry/cooking/meal-planning/shopping/basic tidy-pick up AND I have 2 DC who are 4 and 1! (Full time SAHM-I-am)

[Admission: We do have a cleaner who comes every two weeks to do the deep cleaning.]

Isn't it slightly weird to hover over your DCs all the time/never shower/never clean, in any event? (I do have friends like this - house a total tip, not often wash - they seem to think they have to be stimluating their child all the time... it's a bit strange, TBH.)

DS has 45 minutes tv time in the morning - DD 'helps' me do the major tidy up. Then I clean up properly in the evening, while DH does baths, etc.

It's not rocket science, and it doesn't mean I neglect the DC, either!

And why should I expect DH to do it? He works 11 hours a day and then comes home and does bath time every night - am I going to hand him a broom at 7:30 in the evening?

Oh, God, sorry boulevard that sounds horrible.... I'll refill your coffee pot for you..... And didn't mean to come across all judgey-pants, either - more polishing my own halo

yeah sorry, i know i am forgetting about the months and months ds would only nap on me... unfortunately he'll only nap in his cot now so no more enforced lie-downs for me!