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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let my daughter have tea/sleepover at friends who's house is filthy?

111 replies

chocolatekimmy · 13/09/2011 22:38

Hi
One of my daughters good friends lives in an absolutely filthy house.

Numerous animals including caged rodent thingys in dining room, a dog, six cats mean crusty food bowls in the front room, hall and kitchen and crap in the back garden.

House stinks, kitchen is unbelievable, can't see the side for stuff all over it and left over food on side, clearly not been cleaned or hoovered for months/years.

Mum I understand has some health difficulties, the Dad doesn't lift a finger. I was mortified when I left her there recently and her hair/clothes stank when I picked her up the next day. Kim and Aggy would have a field day - perfect candidate for the TV show.

I'm not bothered about general mess/dust etc, and have no intention of analysing why they choose to live that way or judging them however -

What do I say if she is invited again?
How do I explain to my daughter that she can't go round there?
Or should I ignore it?

OP posts:
Crosshair · 13/09/2011 22:39

If you're not happy dont allow it, ask her to stay at yours instead?

BatsUpMeNightie · 13/09/2011 22:40

None of your business and no harm will come to your DD.

messymammy · 13/09/2011 22:40

I had a friend like this. I was allowed there during the day but not allowed to stay. I wouldn't have wanted to though, I wouldn't have been able to relax enough surrounded by dirt and I am messy!
YANBU

virgiltracey · 13/09/2011 22:40

I agree, invite the cild to yours instead and then make excuses if you get further invitations.

worraliberty · 13/09/2011 22:40

Why would you stop your daughter going round there? Do you think it's going to damage he health?

Her friend seems to manage to live there?

virgiltracey · 13/09/2011 22:43

It is the OPs business whether or not she lets her child stay in that environment. Its horrible going into houses like that. We stayed with friends a few years ago and their house was absolutely disgustingly filthy (and I'm certainly no Kim/Aggie!). Its horrible and I worried about the DCs touching stuff and making themselves ill.

DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 22:43

Actually it is your business - if the child is living in squalor she is being neglected and I would take that VERY seriously.

I am all in favour of dirt and germs - great for immunity but not inside the house!?!?

If I come into contact with DC lliving in filth I have a duty to report them - I would not class this differently even though it is social situation.

verytellytubby · 13/09/2011 22:43

Sounds grim. I'd invite the little girl to yours.

Nanny0gg · 13/09/2011 22:43

There's a big difference between mess and a few unwashed plates and downright squalor. And I have to admit I would be very reluctant to allow visits, especially as you said your daughter's hair and clothes stank when she left.
And a sleepover would never happen (notwithstanding what I said on the other thread)

Have her friend back to yours.

squeakytoy · 13/09/2011 22:45

I wouldnt stop her going. It wont kill her.. she wont catch anything.. and it is good for children to see how others live too.

Original poster
chocolatekimmy · 13/09/2011 22:48

Mmmmm, thanks for comments.

My concern is that she could become ill, I was relieved that she had a pizza takeaway as opposed to home cooked food but the whole thing made me cringe.

I feel so sorry for the kids living in that environment - inexcusable when its that grim! Hadn't thought about reporting it.

OP posts:
Riveninabingle · 13/09/2011 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DogsBestFriend · 13/09/2011 22:50

I have a friend like that and felt as you do BUT the lady is a loving, caring mum, very child-centric, very kind and a sweet, generous hearted friend. A few times I had to bite my tongue and decided to accept her as she is... as others have said, it won't kill your, my or the mum's DC even though it's not our way of living (and I have 3 big dogs and 5 cats plus a pet ferret so am not a Kim or Aggie!).

The choice is entirely yours of course but I'd be weighing up the pros - ie gain to my DDs through the friendship and the care of the mum - against the cons of the situation.

FabbyChic · 13/09/2011 22:51

I'd not let my child sleep over in a shit hole.

I'd say she has allergies, i.e she is allergic to filth!

BatsUpMeNightie · 13/09/2011 22:51

Yes but you see OP - your idea of absolute squalor might be somone else's idea of 'meh - I'll tidy up tomorrow'. If your daughter had come home puking and covered in sores it might be a different matter but I think you're being just a tad precious here.

DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 22:52

Well now you're talking about pizza instead of home cooked food!? That's just different standards. Pizza is usually a treat for play dates rather than some social indicator Hmm

I would report if there was rat/human shit in corner (as we've seen) but not if she has a bit of pet hair and dust about.

virgiltracey · 13/09/2011 22:54

you really think she's being precious? If the kitchen is filthy there is a fair chance she could get food poisoning.

Original poster
chocolatekimmy · 13/09/2011 22:58

I don't get the social indicator reference re the pizza - my point was that it was a takeaway as opposed to something cooked/prepared in hells kitchen.

I'm not just talking a bit of pet hair/dirt (no big deal) - squalor is another level

OP posts:
CocoPopsAddict · 13/09/2011 22:59

YANBU.

One of the factors involved in longer lifespans at this point in human history is that we understand that there is a link between dirt and disease.

I wouldn't let my child stay somewhere filthy.

DogsBestFriend · 13/09/2011 23:01

And yes, if it won't offend, offer to help. My pal was struggling, a lone mum like me bit with twice as many DC, one of whom was a very difficult to cope with SN lad. She was always grateful for an offer of help, be it putting away toys, a bit of gardening or washing up, folding washing from the drier or whatever and it made me feel I could lighten her load and return the kindness for the love, care and support she gave to my children.

DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 23:03

I take your point that you were releived it was a take away- just seemed a bit 'what are you on about?' if you have genuine concerns about 'squalor'.

What is this level of filth? TBH all DC have the right to a healthy environment - mess, bit of muck- OK, but filth is neglect - full stop.

Agree with riven about the help though. If she ill and H useless then maybe you could offer??

pigletmania · 13/09/2011 23:06

Sorry I totally agree with the OP, the conditions sound much more than just general mess and untidyness, they sound hazardous to healthy really, I would not want my dd staying somewhere where she runs the risk of getting ill. It is only a matter or time before the friends dd becomes ill. If the conditions are totally unsanitary and filthy there are a number of illnesses that one can pick up. why not invite her friend over instead, and decline the invites to her house.

LeBOF · 13/09/2011 23:06

I'm sure the OP has enough of her own housework to be getting on with- I wouldn't clean up somebody else's filth, especially with an able-bodied spouse in the house. Is she supposed to go back every week to stay on top of it? No chance.

pigletmania · 13/09/2011 23:08

You could offer to help out if you have the time

DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 23:10

Well it's about how you feel on the subject isn't it LeBOF? I would prefer to offer help to another mum, some would prefer to ignore the problem, some would report to SS. Fact is the child is in a shit situation and I would feel a social responsibility to offer help.