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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let my daughter have tea/sleepover at friends who's house is filthy?

111 replies

chocolatekimmy · 13/09/2011 22:38

Hi
One of my daughters good friends lives in an absolutely filthy house.

Numerous animals including caged rodent thingys in dining room, a dog, six cats mean crusty food bowls in the front room, hall and kitchen and crap in the back garden.

House stinks, kitchen is unbelievable, can't see the side for stuff all over it and left over food on side, clearly not been cleaned or hoovered for months/years.

Mum I understand has some health difficulties, the Dad doesn't lift a finger. I was mortified when I left her there recently and her hair/clothes stank when I picked her up the next day. Kim and Aggy would have a field day - perfect candidate for the TV show.

I'm not bothered about general mess/dust etc, and have no intention of analysing why they choose to live that way or judging them however -

What do I say if she is invited again?
How do I explain to my daughter that she can't go round there?
Or should I ignore it?

OP posts:

Original poster

chocolatekimmy · 14/09/2011 21:34

Wow, thanks for all the comments and sorry I've only just got back on now! Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

Someone asked for clarification. We are talking filth, the gross smell hits you before you have gone through the front door, stinking litter tray in the kitchen clearly not been emptied for a while. Food and bread packages on the side along with plates of leftover food and splattered walls and tiles, god knows what on the carpet, dog crap on the grass in the garden ... this isn't just untidiness or a few weeks dust.
7 year old in top bunk and father in the bottom bunk. Mum in another room with younger daughter, 10 year old in her own room (where my eldest stayed once). Invitation for my 7 year old to go as well next time - I don't know where she would sleep or if the dad would sleep on the sofa perhaps (can't imagine they would change the sheets).
My dilemma is that I just don't want either of them to go round, especially for a sleepover but both sets of sisters are really good friends and I know I will get the questions so how do I explain. I feel so sorry for the kids, the mum has had health issues and she is a nice caring person. The girls are both lovely and I don't want to make them feel like they've got the lurgie or make it difficult for their relationship with my girls

OP posts:

pigletmania · 14/09/2011 22:52

I just would tell the mum that you would prefer that they come and sleepover at yours, maby put their clothes in the washing machine and then dryer whilst they are at yours.

pigletmania · 14/09/2011 23:04

the house sounds like a bloomin health hazard, noway!

Jux · 14/09/2011 23:17

I am disabled, and my dh is home all day. Our house is too much for me and I want to move. It got bad - not as bad as the house described here, but bad, and I was embarrassed but couldn't lift the hoover, let alone use it. DH was supposed to do the hoovering but was always too 'busy' and the place got hoovered about once every 3 or 4 months. It was dreadful. I'd have cried if someone had offered to help, but it was a mammoth job and even though we have really good friends here it would take more than a few hours and I wouldn't have been able to join in much, nor would dh have pitched in. And once you start, you kind of have to carry on, and you can't just keep on doing it, can you?

We now have someone who comes in every week from social services. I love her. My house is in a reasonable state. I can keep it pretty tidy and dh has been persuaded to buy a hoover I can actually use, even if it's only for about 5 minutes before pain gets me and I have to stop. It means I can deal with accidents, spills etc when they happen instead of asking dh and waiting.

Getting on my knees with the dustpan and brush and then not being able to get up again. Crying with pain. Collapsing as my back and hips give way and being forced to spend 2 days in bed after hoovering half a room - taking 3 hours over it too, as i have to do it in 5 minute bursts.

You can't help this woman. It sounds to me like she really needs ss help.

I'd invite her kids round to yours.

pigletmania · 14/09/2011 23:32

Exactly jux she does need help from ss, they are there to help too. The parents have to help themselves, if they cannot cope with the amount of pets they have than they should go to alternative homes to make life easier for them. The amount of mess they create is a lot.

aldiwhore · 14/09/2011 23:49

Let her go, my best friend at school lived in a very stinky house, when I went for a sleepover the bed smelled and I had to have a long soak in the bath on my return (by mutual demand from my mum and myself!).

I LOVED staying there though, because although filthy, her family were truly wonderful, I benefited from it, even if it made me stink.

Jux · 14/09/2011 23:58

Having said that though, pigletmania, I was also massively grateful that people didn't shun us and did let their kids come round, eat (I'm a pretty good cook) and stay the night. There are people I will bless forever because they did that.

pigletmania · 15/09/2011 09:37

Jux a bit of dirt and filth is fine, but when a house ends up being more dirty on the inside than on the streets than it's a bit hmm. I used to stay at my friends house, it was filthy but not like the op description. I loved staying there but used to come home itchy and smelly as they kept horses, and was allergic to horse dust. The sleeping arrangements sound a bit hmm. I would be worried if she did share the bunk with the friend, the sheets would be dads old used ones ewewww

Badtasteflump · 15/09/2011 09:46

Bit that OP is being given a hard time - or being told she should help! Do the people suggesting that really think OP should go round a do the cleaning whilst the H sits on his lazy arse watching? Maybe she should give the poor man a foot massage while she's there!

OP I would stand your ground and keep politely making excuses. If they don't understand why, that's their problem.

I got flamed a while ago for starting a similar-ish thread a while ago. I didn't want my son to go to a friend's house where both parents chain-smoked indoors - he'd been there once and came back stinking - and I was fuming because I hated the thought that he'd been breathing in toxic smoke all evening. People seemed to think I was being 'precious' about him - whereas I was just thinking I didn't want to expose him to passive smoking

maybells · 15/09/2011 09:51

when i was little i used to have a friend and her house was a complete shithole, 4 kids and a single mum the house was never clean the kitchen and bathroom were rotten. clothes hardly ever washed, bedding was stained brown dirt everywhere. the older kids just used to spit on the carpet.
my friend was so infested with head lice that you could see them crawling in her hair when you were sitting across the table. in the end my mum and another friends mum barred us from sleeping over as we would constantly come home with headlice.
this friend had no pets it was just human dirt. now i have a large dog and also 5 chinchillas caged in my living room, they are all clean. hoovering everyday is paramount to keep our home dust and hair free.
i think let her stay over and see how she gets on and i think an offer to help the mum is a great idea if she wont be offended. maybe stay for a coffee and just say in passing "oh ill give you a hand with that."

Iactuallylikeabigmac · 15/09/2011 09:55

I don't understand this offer to help out baloney?

These problems of filth, untidiness etc are part of a very big picture. It's not like they have a broken arm, new baby, a bad dose of flu, where the op could offer to do some washing, cleaning, shopping etc they choose to live like that for whatever reasons.

Op I'm with you, personally I wouldn't want my dcs going round. Just invite friend to yours and if it's really a Kim and Aggie house ring SS.

SummerRain · 15/09/2011 09:59

dd is in a small class in school, just 4 girls and one of them has a mother who lives like this. Grandparents house down the road where they spend half their time is the same so obviously the mother knows no better but it really is vile. Fag ash all over the place, animal shit in corners, floors so dirty they look like the floor of a derelict pub, toilet full of shit and no bog roll, smells to high heaven, rubbish piles in corners, leather couches sticky with muck, if the baby crawls on the floor its clothes are black within seconds, kids covered in filth constantly, rotten food all over the house, kitchen unusable.

The poor little girl is a sweetheart but I can't allow my kids to go there any more, it's just too grim. dd's best friends mother says the same.... and neither of us are clean freaks by the wildest stretch of imagination. We invite the girl to our houses but it gets tricky when the mother is insisting on having them back to hers and there's a limit to how many excuses we can think of.

I would have reported her but due to where we live it's a pointless exercise (SS here take years to deal with even severe abuse cases, dirty house wouldn't even get a visit... not rumour btw, due to my job I'm privy to certain reports and the inaction of SS in this country is mind boggling and tragic)

pigletmania · 15/09/2011 10:16

Why should op help, it's a mammoth job, not a bit of dusting and dish washing. Especially the dh who just sits there all day not doing anything. Summervrain hopefully the rejections of invites will spur the mum on to do something about het house.

teta · 15/09/2011 10:26

Why are you posting this on mumsnet?.I wouldn't let my dc's near the house.Not just because of the dirt but there seems to be more serious issues here.Use your common sense and just say no.My eldest is in a similar stuation -she was the one who said she didn't want to go to a dirty house so her friend comes here [shes 12 btw.!].

SeymoreButts · 15/09/2011 10:31

YANBU the house sounds like a health hazard to me. If the kitchen is covered in dirt and rotten food then food poisoning is a distinct possibility. And you can catch all sorts of nasties from animal faeces and urine, which she will come into contact with if the animals are not being cleaned up after. The mum needs a health and social care assessment, can you talk to her about it?

SeymoreButts · 15/09/2011 10:33

Can you say that DD is allergic to the animals? And just invite her friend round to yours?

SummerRain · 15/09/2011 13:11

piglet.... the most bizarre thing is she thinks she is a clean person

She doesn't seem to wash herself either, stinks to high heaven but will come out with comments like 'Oh, I just have to change my socks 3 times a day, I can't stand dirty socks' and 'I've just spent all morning mopping and cleaning' (on one occasion she said this to me while I was standing in her house and, whatever she thought she might have done, the place was still Kim and Aggie bad)

Not long after she moved into her house I offered to scour her kitchen in exchange for a favour she was doing me (we were quite friendly at the time as the girls were such good friends... it's not as odd as it sounds!) as it was still manageable at that point, it just needed a bit of elbow grease. The next day it was wrecked again..... I don't even know how it's possible to create so much dirt so fast.

She moved into a gorgeous new build house with solid floors throughout, fully tiles bathrooms and lovely easy to clean furniture. At the time she only had one daughter, no pets and wasn't working. It should have been the easiest thing in the world to keep it at least halfway decent..... I pity the owners as the house is destroyed now.

pigletmania · 15/09/2011 13:26

Oh dear summer she sounds a bit deluded. I would say to her, there's no point changing your socks you need a good scrub in the shower

pigletmania · 15/09/2011 13:30

Surely seeing a lovely sparkling shiny house you would want to try and keep it that way

SummerRain · 15/09/2011 15:08

You'd think wouldn't you?

I've mostly given up tbh, I still have the girl around as she really is lovely and doesn't deserve the shitty family she got but I try and avoid the mother now as I'm just not ballsy enough to say 'Sorry, I can't come in for coffee, I forgot to bring the dettol and I don't want to catch the bubonic plague from that cesspit you call home'

SnakeOnCrack · 15/09/2011 16:27

Call SS - not to report the kids are "in danger" or anything, just stating you think the mum needs help because of her health.

pigletmania · 15/09/2011 16:50

summerrain. She could have mental health issues. But then that aside some people are just plain skanky without having mental health or health problems

SummerRain · 15/09/2011 17:11

I think it's more a case of not being raised to know any better.... her parents house is even worse (and another young child living there )

Begs the question though, why hasn't she noticed in 20 odd years of life that no-one else lives like that? Surely as a child going to friends houses she must have noticed the difference? Although she refers to me as 'a stepford wife' (and lord knows my house is on the grubbier end of the normal scale) so maybe she just thinks everyone else is a clean freak

She's a lazy cow which probably has more to do with it than anything, her dd is 6 and she's too bone idle to walk her to school so the poor child goes alone alone a busy main road and through a crossroads with no footpath. Fine, maybe not the most dangerous walk on the planet as it's the country but certainly not one I'd be comfortable with dd doing alone.

pigletmania · 15/09/2011 18:28

I know its like a cycle, and mabey its not some people's priority, I am no clean freak but like a reasonable looking house.

SummerRain · 15/09/2011 18:31

Same here, dp and I can't relax in the evening without doing a tidy up and getting the dishes done, I guess some people don't feel like that about it but at what point does it start to bother them then? When it gets so bad it's a daunting day long task to do it?

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