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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let my daughter have tea/sleepover at friends who's house is filthy?

111 replies

chocolatekimmy · 13/09/2011 22:38

Hi
One of my daughters good friends lives in an absolutely filthy house.

Numerous animals including caged rodent thingys in dining room, a dog, six cats mean crusty food bowls in the front room, hall and kitchen and crap in the back garden.

House stinks, kitchen is unbelievable, can't see the side for stuff all over it and left over food on side, clearly not been cleaned or hoovered for months/years.

Mum I understand has some health difficulties, the Dad doesn't lift a finger. I was mortified when I left her there recently and her hair/clothes stank when I picked her up the next day. Kim and Aggy would have a field day - perfect candidate for the TV show.

I'm not bothered about general mess/dust etc, and have no intention of analysing why they choose to live that way or judging them however -

What do I say if she is invited again?
How do I explain to my daughter that she can't go round there?
Or should I ignore it?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/09/2011 00:24

Sleeping arrangements are that she sleeps in top bunk, Dad sleeps in bottom bunk (think she would like to ditch him, but he is very possesive).

Puts an entirely different light on it, and no, I wouldnt let her go near the house.. at any time. I would also be chatting to the daughter when she comes over to your house, and gently probing for a bit more information with a view to a call to SS.

cherrysodalover · 14/09/2011 00:33

My Mil's house is like this.We do not eat anything or drink anything when we visit and our ds has visited the house once.You take a risk eating in a home like that so I would avoid the sleepover.If the kitchen is truly filthy it will not be hygenic. There is messy and filthy and the latter causes health concerns.

pigletmania · 14/09/2011 07:53

The sleeping arrangements don't sound right, your dd on the top bunk and the dad on the bottom. Can't be the mum on the top as she has health problems so must mean op dd. For that reason alone I would not allow a sleepover

Riveninabingle · 14/09/2011 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittyFane · 14/09/2011 09:15

I feel so sorry for these DC and as they are friends with your DDs, I would say fine to go for tea but not to stay over due to lack of room
(bunkbed situation).
These DC will know already that their house is different, you shouldn't offer to tidy up (WTF?!) just support your DC and their friend's by inviting them to sleep over with you instead.

pigletmania · 14/09/2011 09:26

Riven it's when the filth goes beyond and starts going into the unease/ unsanitary territory. They keep rodents which if not looked after properly and cleaned up can carry disease, same with cat/dog excrement. I would not be happy for my dd to share a room with a man whom I hardly know, whosounds a bit Hmm. my dd 4.5 likes to snuggle with her dad in bed, she adores him, but he would not share a room with a friends child

pigletmania · 14/09/2011 09:29

Meant unhygienic territory that it's a health hazard

slartybartfast · 14/09/2011 09:34

that is sad and shocking.

i would tell school the sleeping arrangements and the messy house. they can take it further if necessary.

slartybartfast · 14/09/2011 09:36

it is not normal to suggest a sleepover with the dad in the bottom bunk! whatever their marital discord

maypole1 · 14/09/2011 09:36

worraliberty lots of children live in filth dose not mean its ok at all

Do not let dd stay and if the mum asks why i would say

maypole1 · 14/09/2011 09:39

Riveninabingle they would be bothered now in 2011 and sadly often the stand red for looking after dialled children is lower than other children because they are harder to place

For instance I know first hand people who have adopted disabled children but in any other circumstances would never be allowed to adopt a non disabled child

FundusCrispyPancake · 14/09/2011 09:50

Sounds like the house I grew up in!

We had loads of pets and the house was always a tip. But we were healthy (and mum made lots of lovely home cooked food which never made us sick).

Cleaning is just not one of mum's priorities in life (still isn't), however, she was (and is) really Blush about the mess and doesn't allow visitors.

I remember being very Sad that I couldn't have school friends over.

ragged · 14/09/2011 10:00

I tend to be in the yanbu camp.
I have known houses like that.
For me it would depend how old the children were, over 10 I might well consider allowing a sleepover, especially in school holidays.
I have a friend who is very non-judgemental, then her son kept getting ill after visiting a house like OP describes; just to play, not even a sleepover. And it wasn't a sick bug he got after visiting, but an ear infection that would flare up each time (chronic underlying problem, had got into his bones, etc.). Parents literally couldn't risk it any more.

Riveninabingle · 14/09/2011 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 14/09/2011 10:08

They keep lots of pets,mum has health problems and dad does nothing. It does not take a genius to work out that there will be mess from th pets, hairs and excrement

lesley33 · 14/09/2011 10:11

I think you can say to the parents that you aren't happy with the sleeping arrangements and so you won't let your child sleep over. I tend to be fairly relaxed about things like this, but I think it is odd that they expect your DD to sleep in the same bunk bed as the father.

If your DD asks about this just be honest and say you don't think she should be sleeping in a bunk bed with the father. If she asks why, just say that normally girls don't sleep in the same room as adult men who aren't their relatives. Her friends family may think this is fine, but you don't.

I think you need to report this to SS - both the squalor and the expectation that your DD would sleep in a bunk bed with the father.

Spending time and eating there is more difficult to tackle with your DD. TBH the sleeping arrangement thing is so odd that I wouldn't want my DD spending time over there. I think I would be coming up with excuses why she couldn't go over there.

You don't say how old your DD is. Is she old enough that you could be honest that you would rather she didn't spend time over there because of the dirt?

Don't do what one poster suggested and quiz the other child to find out things you could tell SS. If you are seen as prompting or leading her, then anything the child tells you will not stand up in court. People doing this kind of thing have led to adults getting off/being found not guilty in court of abuse. It is totally different if the child volunteers information.

MissKittyFantastico · 14/09/2011 10:15

DD has a friend like this. I hadn't seen the house until DD went there for a party - I dropped and ran, so didnt see the house until pick-up.

'Twas horrible, dirty kitchen, filthy living room and muddy cat shitty garden Sad.

On our way home DD commented on the dirt and asked me to throw her socks away because they were so dirty. Now DD is a tomboy, always covered in mud etc, but even she (at 5) knew it wasn't right. She was also ill the next couple of days (tummy) but this could just be a coincidence.

She doesn't go round this girls house any more (they play outside) and she wont be going to this year's party - her choice.

ConstanceNoring · 14/09/2011 10:21

Ok there are to parts to this for me:-

If the filth you have described is accurate then, no I would not let my children stay there, - a little dirt never hurt anyone - but the levels you describe might well.

Please come back OP and run it past me again about the sleeping arrangements, - because it sounds alarming.

knittedbreast · 14/09/2011 10:21

dont report her before you help her. thats probebly all she needs, if her children are young what about homestart? they could come round and clean up.

if you do approach her, dont be all holier than thou. tell how shit she have felt when ill/depressed/whatever and how difficult it felt to do things and get started, help her.

makes me cross that people are all to quick to report "for neglect and abuse!!" but they dont want to help out in a postive way for that mum and that family, she needs a cleaner, or help to show how it can be done.

pigletmania · 14/09/2011 10:30

That's what I meant when I said talk to the mum about contacting ss for help as she has health problems and seems that she is not able to cope. Not report to ss without talking to her first

soverylucky · 14/09/2011 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soverylucky · 14/09/2011 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whackamole · 14/09/2011 11:06

I used to have a friend like that. Mum never stopped me from going, but I was aware she didn't like it!

In the end I cottoned on and just stopped going round.

FundusCrispyPancake · 14/09/2011 11:11

The sleeping arrangements are definitely more worrying than the mess.

lesley33 · 14/09/2011 13:18

I agree Findus. I think most parents would realise that another parent would not be happy for their child to sleep on a bunk bed with the friends dad. It wouldn't matter if this arrangement might major sense in terms of the number of beds. And most men would not want to put themselves in this position.

Even if the sleeping arrangements are not that way for any dodgy reason, I would worry about parents that think this is acceptable and what else they might think is acceptable.

knitted - I would be very surprised if Homestart would help in a situation where the house was actually squalid as opposed to dirty. And the OP has already said she is overloaded with work and DC and doesn't see why she sould put herself under more stress to clean up their house when the father doesn't work and doesn't clean up.

The reason I think you should tell SS is because there are a couple of red flags here that means there may be more going on that you are unaware of. There may not be. But it does sound as if the situation needs to be looked at more closely.

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