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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let my daughter have tea/sleepover at friends who's house is filthy?

111 replies

chocolatekimmy · 13/09/2011 22:38

Hi
One of my daughters good friends lives in an absolutely filthy house.

Numerous animals including caged rodent thingys in dining room, a dog, six cats mean crusty food bowls in the front room, hall and kitchen and crap in the back garden.

House stinks, kitchen is unbelievable, can't see the side for stuff all over it and left over food on side, clearly not been cleaned or hoovered for months/years.

Mum I understand has some health difficulties, the Dad doesn't lift a finger. I was mortified when I left her there recently and her hair/clothes stank when I picked her up the next day. Kim and Aggy would have a field day - perfect candidate for the TV show.

I'm not bothered about general mess/dust etc, and have no intention of analysing why they choose to live that way or judging them however -

What do I say if she is invited again?
How do I explain to my daughter that she can't go round there?
Or should I ignore it?

OP posts:
messymammy · 13/09/2011 23:10

I can't believe it has been suggested that you would clean their house! Oh my God, I can barely keep on top of our crap, let alone start on some one elses because they can't be arsed. That is BU

pigletmania · 13/09/2011 23:10

Mabey suggest to the mum that she get help from SS if she has health problems and cannot cope and keep on top of things.

Original poster
chocolatekimmy · 13/09/2011 23:11

Very kind for those that help and i'm often the first to help others but theres no way I would in this case on the basis the husband doesn't work yet does bugger all for his family, I have a full time job, three children, enough on my plate in other ways, I don't really know them that well and I know it wouldn't change the situation anyway.

OP posts:
Tyrionlovingyourwork · 13/09/2011 23:13

Another point of view: why would your daughter rather spend time there than in your (pristine) home; just saying?

pigletmania · 13/09/2011 23:13

domeDon then she can have her dd round at hers from time to time, and look at ways in which the mum can get help. How do you know that the op has her own life and is busy. It sounds like a very big job for one person to do, you need a whole team to clean the house. Why should the op take that level of work when she has her own stuff to do Hmm. Why do the family have so many pets that they are able to cope with, they have to help themselves too?

DogsBestFriend · 13/09/2011 23:14

Fair comment, CK. I would have felt far less inclined to help if my friend had had a DH in the background who sat on his ass and did nothing.

pigletmania · 13/09/2011 23:16

Exactly, there is an able bodied husband there, it is not op responsibility. And who says she has a pristine house! Just because it is hygeinic and sanitary does not mean a house is pristine. Mine is far from pristine, but I do try and keep on top of things, and focus on certain areas especially clean e.g. kitchen and bathroom

Original poster
chocolatekimmy · 13/09/2011 23:16

Good for everyone who is kind and caring and would offer to help. I'm usually the first to help people in need however not in this case on the basis the husband doesn't work through choice and does bugger all for his family plus I have a full time job, three children, lots on in general in the time I am at home and I dont' really know the parents that well either. Besides, I doubt it would help in the long run as it wouldn't change anything.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 13/09/2011 23:17

Usually my house looks like a bombs hit it, and there are layers of dust and cobwebs about in places.

DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 23:18

piglet why are you addressing that to me? My post was to LeBOF not you Confused You suggested offer of help too btw. Op has gone onto explain she is too busy and would normally help, which is perfectly understandable.

pigletmania · 13/09/2011 23:20

I know domedon but op ha,s also said later on that there is a husband who is able to help but does not, and thinking about it further it is a big job for one person to undertake, you need serveral people to totally clean the house and op has just said that she is really busy.

Original poster
chocolatekimmy · 13/09/2011 23:20

And my house isn't pristine (I wish), plenty of dust and mess at times - who cares - but doesn't take much to make an effort to keep the basic hygeine standards like a clean kitchen/loo etc

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 23:24

piglet -I take your point. I'm sure OP is busy and the situation just sounds untenable anyway tbh.

Would like to know what the 'squalor' looks like in this particular situ though??

If it's how I imagine I would be phoning SS.

LeBOF · 13/09/2011 23:24

I don't think me saying I wouldn't clean the house of an acquaintance is demonstrating a lack of social responsibility. It sounds like some more official level of intervention would be more appropriate anyway- living in squalor (not mere untidiness) is often indicative of MH problems, neglect or domestic abuse. I think the average person would be biting off far more than they could chew to wade in there.

chipmonkey · 13/09/2011 23:25

Tyrion most children want to sleep over with their friends, regardless of whether their friends' parents are dirty/alcoholics/axe-murderers. I'm sure the OPs dd does love her home.

pigletmania · 13/09/2011 23:28

I think I imagine it too look like a scene out of Aggie and Kim, or life of Grime tbh. It does sound like squalor and like others have said it is neglect and SS will usually take it seriously. Mabey phone up NSPCC and ask for advice, sounds like the mum really needs help and professional intervention.

DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 23:28

Or the H needs a firework up the bum Grin

pigletmania · 13/09/2011 23:30

Yes he sounds useless, about as good as a chocolate teapot, she needs to ditch him but thats another thread Grin

LeBOF · 13/09/2011 23:35

He could be depressed, a bully, who knows? It's not an environment I'd be keen to have my child spend time in, and I'm sure it's not pleasant for the kid who has to live there. I'd be thinking of a quiet word with the school if it's a safeguarding issue and you want to help. But I'd politely turn down invitations for my daughter to go round.

Has she actually been invited to sleep over?

Original poster
chocolatekimmy · 13/09/2011 23:44

It kind of gets more complicated.
My Daughter two is good friends with their daughter two. She has been invited round next time too. Sleeping arrangements are that she sleeps in top bunk, Dad sleeps in bottom bunk (think she would like to ditch him, but he is very possesive).
No way in a million years I would let either of mine sleep in the same room but how do I know what the sleeping arranagments would be on the night!

I want to back away a bit but - the whole point of this isn't about me, its about how I deal with it for my daughters benefit. I know I will be asked again but feel bad about making excuses and having to answer all the 'whys' if she can't go round

OP posts:
LeBOF · 13/09/2011 23:49

I wouldn't touch that situation with a bargepole. I'm sure you can think of some excuses. And if you have a feeling that something is wrong, you need to get some advice from the NSPCC, as a poster suggested, and alert the relevant authorities. It sounds a bit bizarre to me, if it is indeed how you describe, and not a situation I would want to be closely involved with.

pigletmania · 13/09/2011 23:51

OP I would not allow it, invite the kids over to yours. Not in those conditions noway.

manticlimactic · 13/09/2011 23:52

The dad sleeps in the bottom bunk and your DD would sleep in the top?? Or is ther mother sleeping on the top bunk?

Well I wouldn't be happy with that if it's the first instance. I'd just say politely that you're uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangements.

pigletmania · 13/09/2011 23:54

That is a bit odd if it is the dad sharing a bunk with the op dd. If that was the case a definite no would be the answer.

LeBOF · 13/09/2011 23:58

How old are the children? I wouldn't encourage sleepovers anyway, tbh. If they can play at yours with supervision, well, that's your call. But I would be wary of building close links with a family if I suspected abuse, as it may affect your children too. Maybe I am reading too much into this, but I feel that is what you are implying, intentionally or not.

I will bow out now, as this is making me feel uncomfortable, but hopefully you have had/will get some sensible advice which might also be of use to other people reading.