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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider taking my DD out of a perfectly good school to HE?

336 replies

FigsAndWine · 13/09/2011 22:09

I am considering taking my 8 year old DD out of school and home educating. My reasons and reservations are detailed here

I've read a bit about HE and I'm feeling more and more that I want to do this. The two people whom I thought would be really negative about this (my best friend and my DM) have been very positive about it and think it would benefit DD. My DP thinks I'm a bit nuts (but then he does anyway... Grin ) but will support my decision. My exDP (DD's dad) is also in a good postion to HE, as he is self employed and therefore flexible with his time, and is very involved with DD.

The school DD is at is a good one. It is over-subscribed, good with outstanding features according to ofsted. I just think that DD would thrive more out of a school environment. It will be a squeeze financially to afford extras (trips, classes, activities), but we could manage. I work part time and could fit HE around this.

The reason I'm posting in aibu is because I know all the reasons why I want to do this; I guess I want to hear some opposing opinions so I can feel whether they are enough to make me change my mind.

Fire away! Grin

OP posts:
woowa · 13/09/2011 22:11

YANBU. So ican't help with the objections, sorry!

cantspel · 13/09/2011 22:12

what does you daughter want?

TrillianAstra · 13/09/2011 22:12

So you know about the Home Ed topic and you want to be shouted at?

I guess that's your call...

TrillianAstra · 13/09/2011 22:13

I expect most people will comment without reading your other thread BTW, and based on what you have written here YABU.

ImperialBlether · 13/09/2011 22:14

I think you have to figure out whether you're doing this for your own sake or for hers.

ImperialBlether · 13/09/2011 22:19

I've read your other thread. I think the intensity of your relationship would mean many unhappy times for you both. You need others to dilute this. I would feel sorry for your daughter if she had to be with you constantly (I don't mean this is a horrible way - I think she needs you, of course, but that your relationship with her is just too much at times.)

She's thinking she can get out of school, so she wants it now. After a month of you and she driving each mad, you won't be able to get her back into a good school and where will you be then?

DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 22:19

YABU - structure, rules, learning how to fit in, interact with others, moderate behaviour, do things you don't want to - all the 'life' stuff you cannot offer at home. My sweeping generalisation is that home ed is for control freaks and we all know how MN loves a generalisation about something non-confrontational like home ed or lentil weavery.

CailinDana · 13/09/2011 22:24

I had a quick look at your other thread, sorry if I get any details wrong.

I have a few concerns that you might have already considered. The first one that I always worry about with HE is the social element of school. Children learn a lot from their peers as well as from their teachers - do you have any concerns about her missing out on this element of things? You seem very concerned about bullying and her not fitting in but taking her out of the situation won't necessarily help in the long run as eventually she will need to mix with her peers and if she hasn't had the chance do that while young she might not have the skills to deal with college/uni/work situations that call for her to work with other people.

Teaching a child one on one can be incredibly frustrating and boring. I know because I've done it quite a lot. I'm a primary teacher and while that's difficult the one on one teaching is a lot more difficult as it's very intense. You need to work out quite a careful routine where you remember to give your DD space. Don't sit over her doing everything with her all the time, set her work and walk away. If you're in each other's faces all day one of you is guaranteed to burst into flame at some point!

You feel bad about forcing your daughter to go to school because she doesn't like it. Fact is, the vast majority of children dislike school at some point in their lives. The vast majority of adults dislike working at some point in their lives. It's pretty normal and I do think children need to learn that even if a situation isn't perfect they need to persevere and make the best of it for their own good. I'm not saying any child should ever put up with bullying or bad teaching but basic malaise about work needs to be overcome.

You seem to be thinking long and hard about this and considering all possible problems so that's a good thing. Teaching is very difficult and time consuming, so don't underestimate the challenge you're setting yourself. I believe that the parent/child relationship is one that isn't well suited to teaching but that of course isn't the case for everyone. It's clear you have your DD's best interests at heart so best of luck with whatever you decide :)

tethersend · 13/09/2011 22:25

I've read your other thread and, since you asked for honesty, it sounds as if you are projecting your own feelings about school on to your DD.

She will undoubtedly be picking up on your negativity towards school, even if you think you are hiding it well. This could explain her difficulty in behaviour at home once she has started back at school, too.

AuntiePickleBottom · 13/09/2011 22:26

i think you are nuts to HE

we have always clashed because I have a fairly authoritarian style of parenting, and she kicks against that authority. We have quite an intense relationship (I call her my angel-devil child), and when it's good it's very very good, but when it's bad it's horrid...

so why mess with her education, what if she doesn't want to learn for you.

Original poster
FigsAndWine · 13/09/2011 22:28

Thanks woowa Wink

cantspel DD wants to HE.

No I don't want to be shouted at, I am just interested in people's differing opinions. The HE board is fascinating, and its posters are inspiring, but it is somewhat of a self-selecting group, IYSWIM - this is a huge decision and I'd like as many viewpoints as possible, negative as well as positive.

Thanks Imperial. Good point - and one I'm concerned about.

DoMe I'm not trying to be confrontational. You don't think that HE kids can get the 'life' stuff outside school? School is a pretty artificial construct, I think.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 13/09/2011 22:34

School is artificial but it's artificial in the same that the working world is, in the sense that you have a boss (teacher) that you have to listen to, you have work you need to complete in a time frame and you have colleagues (other children) that you need to get along with, and often work with, to achieve your goals. Having to rub along with others like that is very good training for later life I think.

The teacher has a natural distance from his/her pupils that helps the relationship I think, whereas mixing the parent/teacher relationship could end up very very messy indeed. I think it would be hard to get your DD to do her maths if she's sulking with you because you wouldn't let her stay up late the night before. Plus you have no higher authority (eg headteacher) to refer to and no particular structure in which to order your day so unless your relationship with your DD is very calm and stable things could descend into chaos.

Original poster
FigsAndWine · 13/09/2011 22:37

Cailin some really good points, thanks. I don't think I'm a natural teacher; I'm not naturally good at putting things simply and concisely. I'm not patient. I can convey my enthusiasm for subjects though, and I love talking with DD about all sorts of subjects. I wouldn't want it to be just me teaching her all the time. I'd want to teach her how to learn things herself, how to get information from books, the internet, museums, other people.

Auntie that is my concern, which is why I want to facilitate her learning from other sources.

Tethers you may be right. She just seems to have no enthusiasm for learning there though. All of what preoccupies her is her interactions with other children. She could get that out of school too, no?

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 22:38

Artificial in what way? Is more like most lives than HE. School: Go somewhere you'd rather not, to do some things you ike and others you don't, with a group of peole you like or not in different measure. HE: Pick something you like, discuss and spend as much time as you like on and around it with someone who loves you unconditionally as support.

And no I don;t think you get the life stuff in HE- the HE DC I know (only 3) are the 'odd ones out' to be perfectly honest. Find it hard to mingle with other DC, quite serious, not wordly wise.

CailinDana · 13/09/2011 22:39

It's great that you want to facilitate her learning from others, how would you this in practice?

cricketballs · 13/09/2011 22:40

when I read your other thread my first thoughts about your dd is she sounds like she is tired! The issues you have identified when she comes out of school sounds like the majority of children to be honest (especially this time of year when they are getting used to the routine again)

as other posters have said, taking her out of mainstream education because you think she doesn't like the regimented style/rules etc will not help her when she has to take her place in the job market; this is something I am always concerned about when hearing about HE.

FabbyChic · 13/09/2011 22:40

Do you want her to grow up with a personality disorder and no social skills? Yes. Then Home Educate.

She needs the best start in life you won't be giving it to her.

It's not about YOU, it's about what is best for your child, that is not a home education.

LineRunner · 13/09/2011 22:43

If you truly believe in home educating, then I don't see why the Ofsted category of the school you are going to take her out of is relevant?

ImperialBlether · 13/09/2011 22:43

Yes, cricketballs, I thought that. My son used to be a bit ratty coming home from school. I'd take a carton of juice and a biscuit and he'd be right as rain afterwards.

One thing that concerns me. You have to take a PGCE on top of a degree to teach other people's children. What makes people think it's so easy to educate a young child? Most teachers teach in teams, with lots of brainstorming and resources from other schools. How would someone on their own manage?

And the idea of being with an almost teenager (which yours will be soon, OP) with no other people around (on a regular, hourly basis) is most people's idea of a nightmare.

tethersend · 13/09/2011 22:44

"Tethers you may be right. She just seems to have no enthusiasm for learning there though. All of what preoccupies her is her interactions with other children. She could get that out of school too, no?"

I think that that is completely normal at 8 yrs old. Most children want to go to school to 'see their friends'- this doesn't mean that they have no enthusiasm for learning. Assuming that she knows how you feel about school (which is highly likely), do you think she would feel comfortable enthusing about it to you?

donthateme · 13/09/2011 22:44

Figsandwine- your last post sounds as though you just want to do the things any normal caring interested parent does. You love talking to your child', going places, extending her knowledge in a relaxed and informal way. You don't need to HE to do that! Why not continue with her perfectly good schooling and continue doing all the things all involved and caring parents do anyway outside school?

My other main reservation would be that HE could be a very long term commitment. What if your dd decides she wants to be HE til she is 16? That's a hell of a commitment from you and would pretty much rule out a working life for you. It's not something you can dip in and out of if you decide in a couple of years that you want more of a life outside the home

ImperialBlether · 13/09/2011 22:45

Why do you think that what you can provide is superior to what the school provides? This isn't a hostile question. Can't you do those other activities with her now? Can you think how boring it will be to be thinking all the time about things to do that she won't resist?

tethersend · 13/09/2011 22:46

I should add that her being enthusiastic about her interactions with peers at school is a positive, not a negative.

annh · 13/09/2011 22:52

In a bit of a rush and this is just a quick comment but don't you think that your daughter would be happier at school if you weren't shouting at her to get ready in the morning because you have forgotten forms, PE kit etc? You also seem very keen to pick up on any issues which your daughter experiences at school and use them as justification for HEdding. I think she has picked up on your negativity and associates school/learning with things being difficult and stressed and clashing with Mummy over learning things and doing things "right".

ImperialBlether · 13/09/2011 22:55

It just seems such a lonely life for her if she was at home with you all day. That's what we all remember about school, isn't it, the friends we made there, the mischief we got up to?

I'm worried that you say you're not patient. You wouldn't believe the patience involved in teaching a child.

I, too, think you're projecting. You didn't like school. Your daughter doesn't like going in when she's exhausted (why is this?) or ill (well, who does?) so you think the answer is to pull her out of there. You say she only seems enthusiastic about her friends, so you are taking her away from them.

Yes, of course she could see her friends outside school, but most children spend their evenings after school at home. I doubt these girls' mothers would be too keen on your daughter being there every evening when there's homework and Brownies and whatever to be done, just because she hasn't had any interaction with children throughout the day.