to consider taking my DD out of a perfectly good school to HE?

[FigsAndWine]

I am considering taking my 8 year old DD out of school and home educating. My reasons and reservations are detailed here

I've read a bit about HE and I'm feeling more and more that I want to do this. The two people whom I thought would be really negative about this (my best friend and my DM) have been very positive about it and think it would benefit DD. My DP thinks I'm a bit nuts (but then he does anyway... ) but will support my decision. My exDP (DD's dad) is also in a good postion to HE, as he is self employed and therefore flexible with his time, and is very involved with DD.

The school DD is at is a good one. It is over-subscribed, good with outstanding features according to ofsted. I just think that DD would thrive more out of a school environment. It will be a squeeze financially to afford extras (trips, classes, activities), but we could manage. I work part time and could fit HE around this.

The reason I'm posting in aibu is because I know all the reasons why I want to do this; I guess I want to hear some opposing opinions so I can feel whether they are enough to make me change my mind.

Fire away!

OP From reading your post you appear to be doing this for yourself and not because it is what your daughter wants or what will benefit her.

If this is really the case then you are being unreasonable.

So part of you child's education would be spent watching you make tea for mrs smith down the road hmm

My dd is 11 and is in bed by 7 and I would happily send him at 6 if he wanted he loves his sleep

I just really think in life you come across some nasty people should part of her education not be learning to deal with those people unless your planning to pull her of any situation when she is older to

Another point to take into consideration would be her further education, she is eight now, and in three years time she will be ready for her secondary education, which is the whole new ball game in terms of education.
If you decide to keep her home for her higher education years, you will have to be responsible for the absolute mammoth of the task that are GCSE and preparation for it, unless you can teach sciences, maths, English, and English lit among ten other subjects or afford to pay good and very expensive tutors, I would not even think about HE.

As much as home schooling may do good the social interaction cannot be replaced in a home environment. Unless there is another load of kids coming round then stick with the school. My son hated, (as in having to pull him out of the front door in my dressing gown to the bus stop), secondary and wanted to change schools or be H.E. due to bullying etc..

I told him it does get better and to stand up for himself, or I could go down to the school and make things 10 times worse. He came from a village school to a super school. Only 1 other kid was registered that term from the village.

He is now in his 2nd year and has had to make friends or not and he loves it. He has finally managed to socialise after spending half a term in the library hiding and crying.

Due to 'rubbish' connection speed I have just read your original post.

School, as much as they hate it, is not just about education but also the interaction with peers. Please don't put your own fears on her, and as difficult as it may be, you should encourage stimuli outside the home.

As I have said previously the 1st year education of my son was awful with hit and miss attendance, racist bullying and terrible grades.

He has now overcome this in his 2nd year using positive thinking, and has made more friends which encourages learning.

I think you should keep re-inforcing how you overcame obstacles at secondary to your child, and asking if they have an idea to overcome this.

Rambling on now but H.E. is a really big step esp. in the 1st 2 years of secondary, and don't put your own negative fears about this time on your child.

I think there are excellent ways of providing social interaction for a HE'd child and hundreds of successful HE parents prove that they can do that. However this requires you to think carefully over your own attitude towards social interaction: your dd won't benefit from any HE interaction if you are constantly hovering over her ready to pull her away from any child who ruffles her feathers. Bringing up a child, whether at school or at home, is very much about learning to let go.

But if you can manage that, there is no reason why HE shouldn't be successfull. Just makes sure it is what she wants, as well as what you want.

FFS

Going to bed as pages taking so long to load. Thanks for all your considered replies.

having read ur other thread i think yabu in that u sound like u don't have the patience to teach, particularly on a 1 to 1 where u already have difficulties shoutng at her etc.. seems mad to me. Maybe she'd be happier if you were'nt shouting at her, maybe she's upset when back at school cos she realises other adults ie her teachers don't spend time shouting at kids. Your other thread sounded all about you and not about your daughter tbh

I've read none of this thread and none of your other thread. But I say fuck it! Do it. Home educate your DD. School will always be there if it doesn't work out.

Figs, I recommend you pursue this conversation in a safer place. And read, read, read. There are many good books about HE. They can help you think through your initial worries and things you might not yet have considered. Apologies if you've already done this.

IMO, here you will probably get a few helpful thoughts served up alongside more unhelpful, ignorant, potentially unnerving opinions based on myth and/or prejudice. Some of the latter will be well-meaning but ill-considered or misinformed, some will be patronising and some will be downright bigoted.

Continue to post on the HE topic, or better yet attend some local HE groups. Observe the families, ask questions and raise your concerns with experienced parents who will be happy to help without sugar coating or smearing with something unpleasant.

is well-balanced and very good. And very long at an hour and 15 minutes :)

titty - high five.

I am not opposed to home ed per se, but what always strikes me when I read the home ed thread is this:

those that do it claim that children learn what they're interested in; they go to museums, they follow their natural curiosity, they only do it for 2 hours a day because that's all that's needed etc etc.

well, if that's the case, why not do that in addition to school? My dad taught me so much as a child, despite him working full time and me being at school. We went to the library, museums, theatres, read books on birds, opera..you name it.

there is no reason why you can't HE in a child's spare time.

I learned so much from school. I had some great teachers (as well as some awful ones) and finished school being fluent in 3 languages due to some great A Level language teachers. My parents could not have taught me that.

You sound SO lke me it's silly! My DD is in year 3 and I have also always said I would HS f she couldn'tget on with school....and like your DD she isn't that keen but copes.

She also struggles in new situations and we've just moved schools!

I think you like me are having all of the natural fears....for me the biggest fear is socialisation. How would your DD manage without seeing her friends? Would you be able to go to regualar HS meetings?

I resent it when people say "she just wants to get out of school so of course shes keen to HS" ....well DUH! Yes! That's the point!

As for fitting in with soicety and following rules...she will do that on a daily basis when you take her out and about....to library's clubs and dance classes etc.

It's not everyone who works within society....I don't and like your DD I hated school for a lot of the time (though not all of it) I have created a working environnment where I am at home and speak to clients vi the internet....I have a small group of friends and I am fine! I would have done is even without school because I'm a little anti-establishment...people are amazing and if your DD were to thrive being HS wel great! If not.....well she can go back for secondary...lots of kids have a clean start then.

HAve you looked at local HS groups?

Cumbria Some children find school more draining than others..I see children who go to multiple after school clubs and playdates and are still full of energy...others are more sensitiv and find the regime of school very draining.

I think this is hard to uderstand if your child is fine with school.

I haven't read your other thread, or much of this one past the OP, but if you're after opinions I can only give you mine based on 2 friends who HE their DCs. The DCs are absolute little shits, unfortunately. Very well educated little shits, but no social skills whatsoever, absolutely cannot interact with other children. Now this may be because of the parents, maybe they would be like that even if they went to school, I don't know. These 2 examples just make me worry about the social development of HE kids, although admittedly I have no positive examples to compare with!

None of the HE'd children I know are little shits. They are lovely people who, for various reasons, thrive better in this environment.

What's confusing me is that in your other post you say you have an 'authoritatian' parenting approach, which presumably mean forcing your DD to do things sometimes. Yet you object to forcing her to go to school.

IF you're generally ok with forcing her todo things, why make an exception for school? Is this your own ishoos about your own schooling? Is it just that you don't like sharing your authority with her school? Either way, I think your motives are a bit iffy here.

I'm with dearth on this one - visit your local HE groups with or without your daughter, talk to HE parents and ask lots and lots of questions.

I'm sure here are some 'little shits' (lovely way to describe children btw featherbag) that are HE, there are also plenty in school too! At least in the HE environment you don't have to spend time with them everyday.

I am currently HEing DS1 and it's going well. He is very self motivated and enjoys learning which is what I wanted for him. We do not spend all day,everyday in the house crouched over schoolwork. He has lots of activities on during the week - more than most school children, but he has the time and isn't too tired out from being in school all day to do them all. This means he has plenty of time interacting with other children in different environments with exposure to different 'authority' figures and different approaches to teaching. No one would know he was HE unless they asked. He is in no way an 'oddball', socially inept or any of the other misinformed stereotypes on this thread.

School is always there if HE doesn't work out for you and your DD.

I work at a university. I know that there are quite a few students who have been educated at home for some or all of their post 11 education (it's on file from their applications) but I have no idea which ones they are. Actually I've never thought about it before, but there really are quite a lot. Does anyone know how many dc are being home educated? I wonder if they are over represented in universities. By this stage you can't tell in terms of education or "socialisation" which have been to school and which haven't.

In fact, I think the whole idea of socialisation is a bit of a misnomer. School does not socialise pupils into one homogeneous group which o one else could join. Everyone fits in better in certain groups of people who they share interests and experiences with. If home schooling is good for you and dc in the short term, and the only long term harm you can see is that your dc won't be part of the kool / mainstream crowd, then I think you're worrying unreasonably. My closest friends are mostly ageing hippies with degrees and an unhealthy interest in feminism, this doesn't make me any less happy or my friendships any less meaningful than if they were with more mainstream people. As long as you teach your dc how to be polite and to make conversation with everyone and keep and open mind, then I don't think it matters that they wont be friends with everyone, because they wouldn't have been anyway. Had they gone to school then they would probably have been even more funnelled into one group of potential friends, according to their taste in music and clothes.

It is possible that when the dc are 13-15 there is a more obvious difference, but I'm not sure that is necessarily a bad thing. Teenagers who have never been pressured into being sexy, smoking, dieting and generally fitting in are probably the lucky ones. I think in almost all schools every teenager is affected by those peer pressures to some extent, whether to fit in or to identify against them. If that means home schooled dc seem less worldly, because they don't use this as part of their identity, what is the problem? I think it's still important to teach your dc about sex ed and drugs etc but there is a difference between being aware of the dangers and seeming worldly. I think school can really sap your self confidence and self esteem so I would question the assumption that it is always beneficial.

I was a bit unsure about how I felt about home schooling until now, but I think I have just persuaded myself that I like it. The one thing I would be worried about though is teaching your dc to question things. I know I would like my dc to broadly share my opinions, and if they were with me all the time they would be more likely to. But I want them to learn to question what I believe and what ever anyone else tells them and make up their own minds. I would be more focussed on teaching them how to make opinions rather than teaching them what my opinions are. I could imagine that might be harder to facilitate if they don't hear people in authority positions with different, but equally legitimate, opinions. I suppose this means I'd be scared of brainwashing them, which actually sounds quite silly when you think of how much contrary information is around.

I am not pro-HE or anything, but I am disturbed by the amount of people who think severe bullying is just part of the school experience, or great preparation for the workplace. One person said that if they didn't get bullied at school, it would just happen at college or university. This is rubbish. School is the only place where you can get bullied and have almost no power as a child. If someone did chinese burns on my arms or consistently called me racist names at work, they would lose their job and even be prosecuted by the law. Personally, if my child was being severely bullied and nothing changed over time (e.g. for more than a 'bad term'), that is the one motivation I would have to HE (I have no others as I think the teachers do it better especially at secondary level).

I have friends who are still upset about the bullying they experienced at school. Severe bullying and the failure to tackle a very aggressive culture in some schools is not 'natural' and should not be accepted as a normal part of growing up.

But your child is not being bullied at all, and in fact enjoys going to school to socialize, so personally I would stick with the schooling, especially as you seem to have a rather confrontational interaction and I don't think that you teaching her is a great dynamic.

OP I know lots of home educated DC and they are happy and thriving.
And yes, they get lots of social interaction with other kids and the wider world. And yes they gte qualifications and yes they go to university.

That said, the families who seem to make it work well for them are the ones who take a very relaxed approach to it. And tbh you don't seem relaxed.
Is this going to be somehting that stresses you out and consequently stresses your DD out?

hardgoing I couldn't agree more.

There is nothing enriching about being called names, being excluded, feeling frightenend. It won't serve you well in the future.

And I don't know any adult who would put up with it.

I think influencing them too much is a concern I would have too TeddyBare; not because I think it is a problem for every HE'ding parent, but it might just be one for me. Remembering how difficult it has been for me to question the values of my own parents- not because they were authoritarian and tyrannical, but because they were lovely people and sooo sensible. Makes it much harder So I needed school, just to show em that it was possible to have different ideas and priorities, and I reckon my dcs have too. I just sound too convincing to be allowed as the only example to my dcs

But I am sure there are ways round this.

Hardgoing if you read the thread you will see that no one said anyone should put up with "severe bullying" - in fact I said that school is good preparation for life except in the case where bullying is happening. I deliberately said this as I knew someone would come along and use bullying as an example, and yet you still misread what I wrote.

I haven't read the whole thread, but wanted to take issue with the fact that you have called school an "artifical construct". Whether it is or not is actually irrelevant because the vast majority of children in this country go to school.

We did it for a while, after a particularly disastrous school. It was great. We got in touch with the local H.E. group which gave us social contact and discounts for some stuff. Also got a discount at the local pool when I told them it was for the equivalent of p.e. Ds chose when he went back to school.
Lessons do not have to be formal, although they do have to be prepared. We did cookery as part of our science, looking at how things change when heated/cooled. We did gardening, we played cards for basic maths. It can be good fun, but it is hard work. Ds needed the healing time, when he went back, he went to a different school who understood and accepted his needs. He went back a week before sats and excelled in all.
By the way, I'm an irritable cow and control freak too, but it worked. It taught me to be calmer, to find different ways of teaching that suited us both and to be less of a control freak and let him lead. He's sixteen now and we have a great relationship.

Cailin your teaching experiences and opinions are thought-provoking and valuable ? thank you!

Titty you have put into words exactly what I?m feeling about mainstream education, teenagers, peer pressure and HE at the moment.

Celadon flexi schooling for at least a trial period would be absolutely ideal. I think I?m going to gather as much information as possible, and then approach the head to see whether this would be possible. It would also mean that she doesn?t lose her school place, which is a gamble I?m very scared of taking.

donthat if I HE DD, it would be with a view to doing that to the age of 16. I have many many reservations about secondary schools, and our local one has issues.

Tethers said ?Assuming that she knows how you feel about school (which is highly likely), do you think she would feel comfortable enthusing about it to you?? Yes she is perfectly comfortable enthusing about it to me! She tells me the good and she tells me the bad. I don?t feel that I project my negative feelings about school onto her ? I don?t have overwhelmingly negative feelings about schools, I just don't think they're right for everyone. Personally I found secondary school boring, pointless and cliquey, and I didn't want to be there. I was happy enough at primary though, and I don?t think her school is a bad one, at all. I just think she might be happier and have greater room to flourish in HE.

maypole1 said ?My. Vote is know to the he and for mum to go and see someone she seems very anxious about education and needs to calm down?
?Kaaaaay. That?s helpful. And ?So part of you child's education would be spent watching you make tea for mrs smith down the road ?

God how patronising. I think that spending time with an elderly person is a valuable learning experience, actually. It?s a shame more kids don?t do it.

Royaljelly I am absolutely at your post. Personally there is no way on this earth that I would have left my child in that situation. I?m glad he?s happier now.

cory I am not a hovering parent, generally, so I think that will be ok. I agree with the letting go; she has always been independent and always will be, and I facilitate that however I can. DD is adamant that HE is what she wants, and my feeling is that it would suit her. But I guess we wouldn?t know until we try it.

ll31 Well yes the other thread is mainly about me because, as I said, I?m trying to explore my feelings about this, and whether I?ve got the qualities it takes to HE successfully. I wouldn?t take this step without looking at myself pretty thoroughly. It?s also a lot about DD, her personality and needs, and our relationship. And DD?s relationship with other family members.

dearth said ?Figs, I recommend you pursue this conversation in a safer place. And read, read, read. There are many good books about HE. They can help you think through your initial worries and things you might not yet have considered. Apologies if you've already done this.
IMO, here you will probably get a few helpful thoughts served up alongside more unhelpful, ignorant, potentially unnerving opinions based on myth and/or prejudice. Some of the latter will be well-meaning but ill-considered or misinformed, some will be patronising and some will be downright bigoted.?

Thank you. I have been reading, and will do a lot more before I decide. I posted in aibu as well because I wanted the mix of opinion and points of view, so I can feel my reactions to them. Even the bigoted and ill-considered ones. The HE board is great, and I?ll keep reading and posting there. There are local groups in my area and I?m going to go along to a few meet ups and events and see how I feel about it and how DD likes it. DD hasn?t wanted to go to school at all this week, and today, instead of forcing her to get up, I thought ?fuck it?. She?s been upstairs playing for the last hour and a half (I can hear her chattering away to herself), and I?ve contacted a meet up group who do alternate Wednesdays to see whether it?s today, and if so can we attend.

Mumbling you have also summed up exactly what I?m feeling. You?ve also answered cumbria for me. DD doesn?t want to go and do activities after school, she has to be pushed to do karate, which is the only extra-curricular thing we insist on. She wants to come home and flop, or have a friend round. School takes a toll on her.

Many thanks for all your replies, they are giving me valuable points to consider.