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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to sleepover?

115 replies

HerbWoman · 13/09/2011 11:10

DD (11) has just started secondary school and has made a new best friend who has invited her for a birthday sleepover this weekend. I haven't met the girl or her parents and won't have the chance to do so before the weekend. I am not happy to say yes to the sleepover (usually say no to sleepovers in term time anyway) but have said DD can go to the birthday party and I will pick up in the evening. AIBU and over-protective or should I let my 11 yr old sleepover when I haven't met the parents or even the girl (who DD has known for all of 2 weeks) myself?

OP posts:
pramsgalore · 13/09/2011 11:13

UANBU, i would not allow my dd1 who is also 11 to go on a sleepover to someones house i did not know, you have to be careful these days.

StrandedBear · 13/09/2011 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StrandedBear · 13/09/2011 11:17

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freesiaLiliy · 13/09/2011 11:17

think I would drop her and meet the parents first check if I felt it was all ok and if others were staying I'd let DD too. put an overnight bag in the boot when she's not looking and spring it on her as you say bye that way she is not getting her hopes dashed if you instinctively feel uncomfortable for some reason. if she has a mobile ask her to text you later and in the morning to reassure you. 11 is old enough to cope IMO and she will probably have fun.

ExitPursuedByaBear · 13/09/2011 11:19

Difficult one. I am with strandedbear, and it is also great that she has made such a good friend in her first couple of weeks. But if you feel uncomfortable with not knowing the parents then I can understand your reservations. I would be tempted to let her go though.

Tee2072 · 13/09/2011 11:20

And behind every tree StrandedBear. Don't forget the hiding behind trees.

She's 11. Let her go. YABU

BarryShitpeas · 13/09/2011 11:20

I would let her go.

HairyGrotter · 13/09/2011 11:21

YABU, let her go

messymammy · 13/09/2011 11:22

Let her go. Meet the parents when you drop her off, if that's your only reason. When do you think she won't be too young?

pramsgalore · 13/09/2011 11:23

a friend of mine allowed her daughter to go on sleepovers to a friends house she did not know that well a year later the father was being charged with child abuse, so yes you do have to be careful.

StrandedBear · 13/09/2011 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissMap · 13/09/2011 11:26

YANBU. I would not let her go, if I had not met the girl or her parents.

StrandedBear · 13/09/2011 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pramsgalore · 13/09/2011 11:31

no i am just saying you need to be careful, she does not know the family or even met the friend,

Tee2072 · 13/09/2011 11:32

Oh right, how could I forget the bins?

prams anyone can be an abuser. Even nice old Uncle Harry that you've known for 10000 years. In fact, he's more likely to be an abuser of your child than your daughter's friend's father.

worraliberty · 13/09/2011 11:35

Give her a mobile phone and let her stay over.

It's just one night..not like she's going to stay for a week.

Original poster
HerbWoman · 13/09/2011 11:37

Hmmm. I'm not usually over-protective but I get the feeling most of you think I am in this instance. I wasn't really thinking about paedophiles, tbh, (although when she was 7 she was playing at another friend's home and when I went to pick her up, she was on her own outside the block of flats they lived in which was just around the corner from a known and convicted paedophile, but that is beside the by), more I have no idea if the parents (or an older sibling) are likely to spend the evening taking drugs (for example). Or one of them might get drunk and violent. I'm just throwing in random stuff here - I really have no idea and that's what I don't like.

OP posts:
ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 13/09/2011 11:38

YABU IMO. My DD has asked if she can have a friend sleepover at our house on Friday. The mum was hesitant but agreed when she learned that DH won't be here.
I was a bit put out by that TBH, there was a definite implication that he could be a kiddy fiddler, she didn't take into account that I could too.

pramsgalore · 13/09/2011 11:39

ooo you don't say, again i would not be happy letting my dd go, but then thats just me,

seeker · 13/09/2011 11:39

It's paseo holes that worry me- they are easy to spot what with thEm always wearing either Scout uniform or dirty mackintoshes. It's the alien abduction risk that concerns me. I just can't be sure that a mother I haven't met would cover the roof with tinfoil properly.

Sorry - back to the OP. Honestly, I would let her go if she wants to. My dd just couldn't do sleepovers at this age and she missed out on soooooooo much in year 7. Give her a mobile phonenif she hasn't got one and say she can go if she sends you a text every hour or so saying she's OK.

And thank your lucky stars she's not going on the train to Birmingham to see thie Arctic Monkeys on November4th, then making her way with a friend to her cousin's house in Coventry after the gig......."

bigTillyMint · 13/09/2011 11:39

I would let her go. Presumably she has a phone - she could call you if she feels worried and you can pick her up.

You have to step back and let them find their way a bit when they start secondary schoolSmile

reddaisy · 13/09/2011 11:42

YABU. Let her go and make sure she has her mobile with her.

I would be more worried about the girls having a falling out than anything else, that is much more likely especially if there is a group of them!

Send her with a bag of sweeties, some magazines plenty of nail polish and makeup for makeovers and she will be the most popular girl there.

It is hard enough to make friends at that age, facilitate the friendships she does forge where you can.

Of course you should go in and meet the parents first. I would personally probably ring them in the week to discuss the arrangements so you know what's what.

The worst thing teenage DSD did was say she was having a sleepover at friend X's house and it turned out that they stayed with the friends older teenage sister instead. No-one was very happy when that was discovered so I would probably check the arrangements with the parents each time a sleepover is organised.

Plus I think your no term-time sleepover rule is mean too, obviously it is reasonable to have no sleepovers during the week but at weekends I don't see the problem.

My mum hardly let me go to sleepovers when I was at secondary school and it was really alienating and my friends stopped inviting me to lots of things and I am still pissed off about it today!

ElsieMc · 13/09/2011 11:45

Go with your instincts everytime. If you feel any sense of unease, don't agree.

I let my fourteen year old DD1 emotionally blackmail me into going to an all night party at a friend's home I was unsure about. She had the baby by an eighteen year old whose car she got in that evening whilst he was high on drink and drugs, whose violent, horrendous family we will never be free from.

Yes, absolutely in the minority but a salutary lesson in trusting your instincts believe me.

Crumbletopping · 13/09/2011 11:50

My main concern at this stage in the term would be getting a tired grumpy daughter to deal with the following week so I would say no on those grounds.

Crumbletopping · 13/09/2011 11:54

Just read Elsie's post :( .Poor you Elsie and your poor dd.
(Makes mental note to lock DD in for next 15 years)