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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say no to sleepover?

115 replies

HerbWoman · 13/09/2011 11:10

DD (11) has just started secondary school and has made a new best friend who has invited her for a birthday sleepover this weekend. I haven't met the girl or her parents and won't have the chance to do so before the weekend. I am not happy to say yes to the sleepover (usually say no to sleepovers in term time anyway) but have said DD can go to the birthday party and I will pick up in the evening. AIBU and over-protective or should I let my 11 yr old sleepover when I haven't met the parents or even the girl (who DD has known for all of 2 weeks) myself?

OP posts:

turningvioletviolet · 13/09/2011 13:53

Have to agree with Seeker - as the mother of a 14 year old ds and an 11 year old dd1 (who has also just started secondary) - there is no comparison between the friendships of boys and girls, and unless you have had to deal with the fallout of girls' friendship groups it's very hard to truly understand the differences.

I would let your dd go - however i would definitely speak to the parents on the phone first, and go in to meet them on the day of the party. Fwiw - dd1 has a new friend coming for tea tonight, and i passed on our phone number to the friend via dd1 and asked her mum to ring me, which she did. Quick chat to establish timings, food allergies etc - and all sorted. Appreciate it's not quite the same as a sleepover but i feel satisfied that the right connections have been established. DD1 would be gutted if i said she couldn't go to something similar especially when all these new friendships are being established.

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 13:56

Of course you could interview the mother, demand to see her CRB, make sure that you meet all the family, inspect the kitchen, ask her views on nutrition, bedtimes etc.etc--or you could just use your common sense-is your DD really likely to befriend a DD that she has nothing in common with and comes from an alien background?

bonkers20 · 13/09/2011 13:58

It's a party. There are going to be other girls sleeping over. You will meet the parents when you drop her off. Are you sure the parents of friends she already has (and I presume you do know) are not predatory?

You need to make sure your DD knows how to protect herself. What better way then sending her to a sleepover where you know exactly where she'll be and have access to a phone.

I think YABU.

Proudnscary · 13/09/2011 14:03

We all have to take numerous leaps of faith as parents.

The most important thing is to make sure you teach your child to keep safe, trust their instincts and spell out exactly what inappropriate behaviour to look out for.

And as others have said, it's could be the nice middle class parents of a friend or lovely uncle Blah Blah who could be the predator so how the hell can you tell?

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 14:11

I agree with Proudnscary. You get the parents at 5 yrs who don't want their DC to go to tea with a 'strange' family, they don't want sleepovers at 11yrs-just wait until the next stage!! Better to discuss with your DC than try and control their entire environment.
If the others at the party are sleeping over it is going to be sad for DD to be the only one collected.

vintagewarrior · 13/09/2011 15:20

Can't believe your getting a flaming for caring what happens to your DD! She's 11, not 21!! Some of this lot would let their kids go anywhere, gives them more time to argue on here, hack into DH Facebook account and drink wine!!
I wouldn't let her until I'd engineered a chat with the parents.

StrandedBear · 13/09/2011 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whackamole · 13/09/2011 15:25

I would let her go, provided when I dropped her off the parents weren't swigging vodka from the bottle and smoking joints while a small fire burned in the background.

She is 11 after all.

HSMM · 13/09/2011 15:26

I posted this exact same (almost) question when my DD started Secondary School.

I ended up taking her. Strode into the house when we arrived, so I could get a gut feeling for the adults and the environment and then left her there with her mobile phone, so she could call me if she needed to escape.

She had a fantastic time.

It's a horrible feeling, but she has been to several Secondary School sleepovers since and I hardly know any of the parents, because we don't meet at the school gates in the same way that we would have at Primary School.

I found I had to trust my DD to use her own good judgement and call for help if she needed it.

ExitPursuedByaBear · 13/09/2011 15:32

You are so right vintage. I much prefer my DD to sleepover at friends than bloody well want collecting when I am well into my second bottle of wine. Hic.

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 15:34

Of course I don't care what happens to my DSs-I abdicate all responsibility-I let them sleep over at a friends (for a special occasion) at 11yrs old-the parents will be paedophiles, they will ply him with drink or they will let them roam over the town until the early hours, or if he stays in, their house will burn down! DS is so docile and stupid that he won't get on the phone and say 'can I collect him he has changed his mind'.

In reality this happened with mine when they started secondary. DS1 didn't want to do it-he didn't have that sort of confidence-fair enough. DS2 was a much more confident DC- naturally I felt a bit nervous- but he went, ate pizza, watched a DVD (a suitable one)and didn't get much sleep. It would have been a shame to have taken him and then collected him, leaving the others to stay the night.
I'm not a fan of 'wake overs' as I call them, but sometimes it helps to let your DC be sociable.

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 15:37

You have to accept that once they get to 11 you will never know the parents the way that you did at secondary school-you may never meet them. The grow away form your own friend's DCs and they make their own-it is a natural part of growing up. You play the 'what if ..........game' not say 'No, the world is a scary place without mother'.

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 15:37

sorry-the way you did at primary school

MissMississippi · 13/09/2011 16:01

I have a two-year old DS. So have no idea. So I asked my Mum!

She said YADNBU. As you stated yourself, it's not all to do with paedophiles. It's to do with the unknown. Will the parents take drugs in front of them. Do they drink excessively, or even simply watch horror movies, or allow 11-year old boys to stay over? You don't know them, so why leave your child in their care (even if she is 11 years old).

MissMississippi · 13/09/2011 16:03

ps:

There has just been a lot of research published saying that "gut-feelings" are usually the correct one. And I personally think, when it comes to kids, we should trust our instincts!

mumsamilitant · 13/09/2011 16:12

Yes, it is a different ball game once they go to secondary but 11 in my opinion is still very young.

higgle · 13/09/2011 16:13

I wouldn't worry too much about the parents being strange paedo wierdos.
Children ofthis age have an un-erring propensity to gravitate towards other children from backgrounds very similar to their own. DS2 it part of a group of bright boys who all, by strange co - incidence have parents from virtually idential socio-economic and educational backgrounds. Not like nursery where he was the best friend of a rock star's 4 year old.

mumsamilitant · 13/09/2011 16:16

Well how comes my DS has just been banned from hanging around with a delinqent then? In my book kids gravitate to where it seems more fun

Proudnscary · 13/09/2011 16:22

Vintagewarrior - who's getting flamed? Are you reading the same thread?

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 16:25

So don't DCs have gut feelings MissMississippi? Don't they get to trust their instincts? I would say that the chances of mine having a friend whose parents took drugs in front of them or showed them horror movies would be practically nil. They have always made friends with DCs with similar backgrounds-it is what they are comfortable with. I would expect them to phone to come home if they weren't happy.
As I have had to take them to the house and have talked to the parent-I don't dump and run-I can make up my mind pretty quickly.
If you are really not sure you can even have a code with the DC so they don't have to ask. They can phone and say something like 'could you record ....TV programme for me. And then you could phone with a 'family emergency' where you had to collect them.
The one think that I don't want mine to think is 'the world is a scary place-only mother can keep me safe' (people do seem to think that 11yr olds are utter idiots-which they will be if they are never expected to risk assess for themselves).
It is a pretty safe way to start loosening the apron strings-just wait a couple of years for the things they want to do next! Parenting isn't easy and it is very lazy just to keep them at home, wrapped in cotton wool.

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 16:31

Maybe your DS hasn't been allowed to risk assess for himself in the past mumsamilitant-and it seems exciting. Those kept close to mum are quitelikely to see excitement in escape.
The chance of me hanging around with a delinquent when a child were absolutely nil-similar for my DCs who are now past the age where it is going to happen. I don't think that OP has expressed any opinion that her DDs best friend is unsuitable-only that she hasn't checked the parents herself.

BarmyBiscuit · 13/09/2011 16:38

11 is fine for a sleepover. Secondary school is a lot different to primary and if you DD turn around and said she couldn't go to the sleepover as mummy wouldn't let her then she would most probably get laughed at and teased.

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 16:44

I agree BarmyBiscuit-over protective mothers can be hell for an 11yr old!

mathanxiety · 13/09/2011 16:44

How about asking the other girl over during the afternoon after school this week so you can assess her? You should definitely call the parents and ask for details of the party at the very least drop off/pick up times/whether your DD should bring a sleeping bag there are all sorts of good reasons you would phone and keep your ears pricked.

The parents of the other girl must be pretty desperate for her to make friends in secondary if they have agreed to host a sleepover for a bunch of 11 year old girls who are virtual strangers to them. IIRC, 11 was the age of maximum giddiness and insomnia at sleepovers. They are either very brave or very foolish (or desperate as mentioned).

I would be inclined to let her go, with a phone, and when you call, ask her questions where she will be able to give Yes or No answers. Do not expect an 11 year old (or older teen either) to be able to say 'Take me home, I hate it here and I am out of my depth' straight out over the phone to you. They are far more likely to gut it out than ask for rescue. Tell her in advance that if she decides to come home you are not going to interrogate her, that you will trust her judgement.

madamarcati · 13/09/2011 17:00

I'd second the idea of having the girl round in the week and dropping her back home again.Otherwise I would find a reason to call round in the week.
Send her with a mobile phone and make sure you call her so you know everythings OK
99.99% they will be fine, but she is still very young and very vulnerable!

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