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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say no to sleepover?

115 replies

HerbWoman · 13/09/2011 11:10

DD (11) has just started secondary school and has made a new best friend who has invited her for a birthday sleepover this weekend. I haven't met the girl or her parents and won't have the chance to do so before the weekend. I am not happy to say yes to the sleepover (usually say no to sleepovers in term time anyway) but have said DD can go to the birthday party and I will pick up in the evening. AIBU and over-protective or should I let my 11 yr old sleepover when I haven't met the parents or even the girl (who DD has known for all of 2 weeks) myself?

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 22:22

I do however think that if I did have something to hide, and I knew I was being assessed, I would be very careful to put on a respectable front.

bonkers20 · 13/09/2011 22:25

I have just watched Body Farm and have decided it is MUCH safer NEVER to let your children out of your site. EVER!

mathanxiety · 13/09/2011 22:26

Anyone who meets other parents who are new to secondary school on the occasion of a party when the DDs are being dropped off for the night and thinks they are not being assessed is kidding themselves.

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 22:33

Of course you are being assessed-everyone makes judgements about people they meet in the first few seconds. If people have something to hide they are going to do their best to cover it up! I would make my judgement in seconds-but I would expect my DCs to have similar friends.
I have been the anxious mother of an 11yr old-dropping off and assessing. It isn't easy but you can't just opt out and keep safe at home. What happens when they all do a French exchange-say too dangerous?

Original poster

HerbWoman · 13/09/2011 23:42

You see, this is why I like AIBU - people point out all the issues I had no idea about. I have absolutely no experience of girls older than DD - all her friends from primary school are either only children or oldest children, and none of my own friends have older children either (most don't have children at all). I was completely the opposite to DD - very shy, not particularly sociable, and didn't have sleepovers - so this stuff is all new to me.

We don't have a free evening before the weekend so I won't get the chance to invite the friend over for tea this week, but as it appears several friends are invited I will probably change my mind and let her go.

exoticfruits like the idea about the code on the phone - must remember to sort that out with her first.

vintage was I being flamed? I hadn't noticed.

Thank you all for helping, and I'm sure Herbgirl will be very appreciative too.

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 14/09/2011 00:19

OP, that's just what I'd popped back to say - if your DS doesn't really know this girl, she must have got to know her through mutual friends, maybe she knows someone from primary school that your DS knows, etc - and it seems that is the case. This early in the first year of secondary, friendships really don't grow on trees, IYSWIM - and it seems this is the case Let us know how she gets on!

exoticfruits · 14/09/2011 08:50

I love a good argument on AIBU-but then you get accused of 'getting hot around the collar'. (I can assure you that I am not!)
Come back and let us know how it went-I think that I could safely bet £100 that it is fine-the worst that will happen is a lack of sleep and a grumpy DD the next day.

mich54321 · 14/09/2011 11:24

Exactly what reddaisy said. Ring up in the week on basis of confirming details, and introduce yourself when dropping off. You can leave your tel number with the parent as well/get their phone number, and make sure your DD has a mobile. Ask her to text about 10.30 pm and next morning when she gets up. I do this with my DD and it works really well (if I'm trusting her, she has to act responsibly). DD knows if she doesn't text she can't go on the next sleepover. I also think no sleepovers in term time is a bit excessive - we usually go for a Friday night on the basis they can have 2 good nights sleep and homework on Sunday before going back to school.

mathanxiety · 14/09/2011 16:27

Amen to 'no sleepovers in term time is a bit excessive'. All work and no play makes the invitations dry up and you end up with a miserable DD who feels left out. Children need to work out how much of the candle they can burn at both ends, learn to manage their time and prioritise for themselves.

exoticfruits · 14/09/2011 17:29

I was assuming it was a Saturday-that gives all day Sunday and Sunday night-why wouldn't she be back to normal by Monday?

Original poster

HerbWoman · 15/09/2011 10:41

Because for some reason she is usually fine the next day and foul 2 days later! And then I spend the whole time trying to get her to stop winding up her younger brother, after which she turns to me and gives me a mouthful. So I do try to avoid getting in that situation in the first place. Or if we have sleepovers here, I end up with 2 overtired children as the younger one gets repeatedly woken up by the noise of the girls. Not fun. If she is tired, she doesn't go and chill out, she gets hyper.

OP posts:

lesley33 · 15/09/2011 11:09

But saying no sleep overs during term time is cutting her out of a whole load of socialising. I really think you are being too harsh with this.

Original poster

HerbWoman · 15/09/2011 11:30

I don't think there are that many sleepovers happening here anyway - she doesn't complain that everyone else has them when she doesn't, so I don't think she misses much socialising tbh.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 15/09/2011 15:27

The thing about unacceptable (sorry very supernanny) behaviour when tired is that there is little difference between it and run of the mill preteen and teenage girl type arsey behaviour when not tired. Winding up a younger brother is not done because of being truly tired. It would take too much effort. And giving you a mouthful is very typical preteen/young teen mouthiness and to be expected, tired or not, unless you are prepared to tackle it. You are not going to manage it by making sure she gets her full night's sleep every night. Teen irritating behaviour happens, sleep or no sleep.

I would definitely start putting on my stern mum hat and insisting on no midnight waking of others during sleepovers though. Yes they are inclined to be very giddy at 11 but if sleep is important you need to play the wet blanket and boss them into quietness. I never hosted more than two girls for any sleepover apart from birthday celebrations, and at around age 11-13 it was down to one at a time maximum.

DD3 has one particular friend to sleep over frequently and she in turn sleeps over a lot at the friend's. The friend is almost part of the family at this point and the giddiness is non-existent. They have even done weeknight sleepovers during term time. DD2's friends (DD2 is my social butterfly) have slept over frequently (average once a week by my reckoning) since she was about 5 and at this point (age 16) they chat, listen to music or watch some film, do homework (they are a bunch of swots), and turn in at a reasonable time as they have figured out for themselves that they tend to drag the next day if they stay up too late -- they have also settled peacefully into the family routine. It's kids who don't get out much and who are not let deal with the consequences of their own choices who generally don't behave well when they go to someone else's house imo.

spiderpig8 · 15/09/2011 17:19

if you have a bad night, it's not really the next day you suffer, but the day after that

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