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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say no to sleepover?

115 replies

HerbWoman · 13/09/2011 11:10

DD (11) has just started secondary school and has made a new best friend who has invited her for a birthday sleepover this weekend. I haven't met the girl or her parents and won't have the chance to do so before the weekend. I am not happy to say yes to the sleepover (usually say no to sleepovers in term time anyway) but have said DD can go to the birthday party and I will pick up in the evening. AIBU and over-protective or should I let my 11 yr old sleepover when I haven't met the parents or even the girl (who DD has known for all of 2 weeks) myself?

OP posts:

Original poster

HerbWoman · 13/09/2011 11:58

Crumbletopping that is the main reason for the no term-time sleepovers. I know from experience that we will all suffer for it over the next few days.

Elsie How awful for your daughter .

seeker I'm not too worried about alien abduction - she's a Dr Who fan so I'm sure she'd cope fine with that .

OP posts:

borderslass · 13/09/2011 11:58

Not the only time accidents can happen though to be fair DD2[15] is hardly out the house but we've just had a scare with her.

WilsonFrickett · 13/09/2011 11:59

I would phone the parents - just to say 'hello, I am Herb jr's mother, how nice of you to invite her to a sleepover, are you sure she won't be too much trouble?' and arrange to drop into the party with her just to say hello. You prob do need to check that she has been invited and that the birthday girl isn't randomly inviting the whole class for a sleepover. Then decide.

StrandedBear · 13/09/2011 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hardgoing · 13/09/2011 12:06

I feel like I've missed this change, I would have thought 11 was not the right age to be sleeping alone over at other families' houses. I would be happier with a guide/brownie camp, but if I didn't know the family, I might not be too keen. Is this quite out of date? When I was younger I wasn't allowed at a sleepover party at 15 as boys would have been there. Is it ok at 11 but not at 15?

(It sounds like I am being quite naive, but I remember the poster who let the two 11 year olds sleep in the same room and they ended up cuddling in bed and everyone said it was shocking they were sleeping over with boys and that you ought to have seen it coming)

2blessed2bstressed · 13/09/2011 12:10

I think I'd be letting her go tbh. 11 is old enough to be starting to branch out and do stuff like this, in my opinion.

OriginalPoster · 13/09/2011 12:11

My daughter struggled socially in y7/8. The friendship groups change a lot at that age. I would have a chat with her, tell her your worries, and make sure she phones you if she is not happy. in fact, get her to text you how she is getting on to put your mind at rest.

Be glad she is making friends. You'd be a lot more worried if she wasn't...

lesley33 · 13/09/2011 12:12

OP - Of course you want to check out the home. But you can do that by dropping in to meet them when you drop your DD off. Sleepovers are important at this age. It does help to cement friendships.

But make sure she has a mobile and tell her she can contact you at any time, including the middle of the night, if she was worried about something.

If you are really concerned, you could always deliberately leave something vital out of the packing and drop in later to give it to your DD.

Technoprisoners · 13/09/2011 12:21

I don't think it's that she's 11 that is the worry. It's that the OP doesn't know the parents yet, or anything about them. WilsonFrickett's advice is good if you are inclined to try to find a way to let her go. Otherwise, suggest she invited this girl back to yours for a sleepover at half term, which gives you a chance to find out a bit more about the girl.

If she knew the girl well, then yes, no problem. It's not knowing anything about her & family that is a bit of a worry at this age. They have only known each other for less than 2 weeks!

aldiwhore · 13/09/2011 12:25

Good chance to get to know her friend's parents... after a phone call or coffee, I would let her go.

mumsamilitant · 13/09/2011 12:41

I wouldn't either to be honest. Like you said, she's only just started secondary so you haven't had time to guage anything about the girl or the parents. Take her to the party and collect this time. Tell her you will make arrangements in the near future regarding sleepovers.

Crumbletopping · 13/09/2011 12:59

Agree with mumsamilitant (love that name!).

Your dd's friend doesn't have to know it's because you won't let her go. You could easily invent have somewhere you need to be early Sunday morning.

seeker · 13/09/2011 13:18

Honestly, you have no idea , unless you have a pre teen or teen how important this sort of thing is! There has to be an INCREDIBLY good reason for not letting her go if you want to- they are just all sorting out their positions the social structure of the year and missing a sleepover could have repercussions down the line. Honestly!

Oh, and I do think it's ironic that people suggested that the op's dd has a a sleepover at hers. Presumably the op and her dp are identifiable at a glance as non alcoholic pedophile axe murderers?

mumsamilitant · 13/09/2011 13:28

Thanks crumbletopping for the compliment .

Seeker, I have a nearly 14 year old DS and I have said this because, I used to be of the opinion to let them go etc. like yourself but due to a couple of incidents, vere on the side of caution now.

seeker · 13/09/2011 13:29

You're going to hate me for saying this, but girls are different socially.

lesley33 · 13/09/2011 13:30

I agree seeker that these things are incredibly important - especially as they don't know each other well. Friendships will be being forged and sleepovers can be a crucial way of doing this. Not going to sleepovers, especially early on like this, will put her at a disadvantage in making friends.

I think as adults it is easy to forget how important things like this are at this age. My school did an overnight trip for children in 1st year, 2 weeks after they started the secondary school. I remember 1 girl wasn't allowed to go and I am sure it did make it harder for her to make friends.

I may be wrong, but the impression I get is that missing out on something like this doesn't have such an impact on boys friendships.

mumsamilitant · 13/09/2011 13:36

Have to admit that I don't have a girl and no knowlege of this. But really, she is going to the party and it is only two weeks into term

RumourOfAHurricane · 13/09/2011 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mumsamilitant · 13/09/2011 13:39

And lesley that was a school trip situation not someone's house which I feel is a bit different.

RedHelenB · 13/09/2011 13:40

Ring the parents first? And let her know that if she wants to be picked up after all that's ok. My dd started school knowing no one & I let her go on a sleepover because I trusted HER to be sensible. She asked me to go camping with this friend & I wasn't too keen but said let me think about it & then she decided herself that she didn't really want to go because she didn't know the brother & step dad that well & they'd all be in a tent together.

amicissima · 13/09/2011 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker · 13/09/2011 13:42

I am a bit puzzled about what you think might go wrong after 11.00 which wouldn't go wrong before. Surely if you don't think these people are capable of looking after your child you shouldn't let her go at all?

mumsamilitant · 13/09/2011 13:51

Not sure if you can guage exactly what the parents are/aren't like by having a chat on the phone. We would all like to think that every parent is a caring responsible one but alas that is not the case , the mother could be sitting there chatting away with after a snort of white stuff holding a spliff!

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 13:53

I would let her go-I think that it is really important socially at that age. I would leave it to her, if she is confident and happy about it why stop her? My DCs always made friends with DCs from similar families-it was what they were comfortable with. I trusted their judgement at 11yrs.I am still very friendly with my 2 best friends from secondary school- met on day 1.
In these days of mobile phones I can't see the problem-she can contact you if she isn't happy.

Crumbletopping · 13/09/2011 13:53

I have now and then said no to sleepovers if there is too much going on in dd's/our life at the time, but often she's allowed to go . If OP doesn't allow dd to go, she is still going to the party and I think it's a bit OTT to say her chances of making friends will be doomed if she doesn't go. She's either going to make friends or not, missing one sleepover shouldn't change that. They've got at least 5 years of socialising ahead of them ...

My dd seems pretty popular despite having grumpy parents who hate term-time sleepovers.

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