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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...not to drop-off and collect a neighbour's child from school everyday?

131 replies

Greythorne · 12/09/2011 16:07

I have no idea if I am being unreasonable.

My neighbour (same street, a few doors along) has four children. Two of school age. The oldest is in Yr 1 at the local primary. The second is in Reception at the less local private school, the same school as my Dd.

This is obviously not easy....different drop offs and collections in different locations. One school is 8.25 - 4.15. The other is 9 - 4.30. There is just enough time to get from one school to the other in time, but she has two pre-schoolers, too, so it is not easy.

She was complaining about the logistics and asked me if I could help. I offered to collect her DD from thensame school as my Dd every evening and in Thursdays to take her to her ballet class even though my DD has ballet on a different night.

She accepted this offer but said she really needed help in the mornings.

Given how early school starts and that we have to leave at 8.10 and it is always a tearing hurry of book bags and coats and all the rest of it, I just don't want to have the extra pressure of an extra child to drop off in the morning. She is in a different class but needs to be delivered to the classroom door.

I have said no, but my neighbour is just not letting go. Every night when I drop off her DD, she keeps asking, saying she can lend me a car seat, telling me how complex it is for her, how her husband is away for a few days so he can't help,

I feel really pressured and really pissed off that effectively I will be collecting her Dd from her house (she can't bring her here because of the other smaller DC) and taking her to school every day AND collecting her every day AND taking her and collecting her from ballet.

AIBU?

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/09/2011 20:53

I really think you should tell her you can't do pickups any more. If she asks why, tell her it's because she uses them as an opportunity to press you to do mornings. And then never pickup again.

unfitmother · 12/09/2011 20:53

Run for the hills!

CurrySpice · 12/09/2011 20:57

I think she is absolutley taking the utter piss

Does she not realise that for reliable pick ups and drop offs like that people in the real world have to pay good money

And if it's difficult, she should have thought about it before she put two of her kids in different scoold.

So it's tough for her? I expect it is. But it is not your responsibility it is hers

OK, as an occasional favour (if one of her kids is ill for insance) but every day? Drop off and pick up?!?! She's having a laugh - at your expense!!

Icelollycraving · 12/09/2011 21:10

She sounds at her wits end. Tough. Not your problem. Hers. She made her family choices.
The text is too apologetic,why are you being apologetic?
How about this...
Hi (pisstaker), I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable with your repeated request about taking your child to school as well as pick ups & ballet on a different day to my daughter. I appreciate you have 4 to get ready & your husband is away frequently but I have my own family. I think you need to look into getting a childminder to assist you as I am not prepared to have the discussion again when I have offered far more than most would for family & we are simply neighbours. I will continue the pm collection until October which should give you ample time to find alternative arrangements. I will not be available from then on.

I would tell her to her face but your sweet nature has made that tricky so if you are going to text,don't apologise!!

SansaLannister · 12/09/2011 21:13

No 'I appreciate you're busy' twaddle. Not her problem.

Text: 'I will not and will never be available to take your children to school in the mornings. In fact, the afternoon arrangement no longer works for me so it will be discontinued immediately. Regards, SickOfBeingUsed.'

SansaLannister · 12/09/2011 21:15

She knows damn well she needs a nounou but she doesn't want to pay for it. I would tell her to her face as well, but then, I would not have progressed to this point because she is a pisstaker.

IloveJudgeJudy · 12/09/2011 21:34

Like many of the other posters have said, I too would be withdrawing from the big favours you are doing already. I would put a time limit on it. I completely understand what you mean about not wanting to do mornings as that is the worst time imo.

Good luck with confronting her. I know that it's difficult, but you really do have to steel yourself to do it, especially as you are getting absolutely nothing in return.

dobbybono · 12/09/2011 21:43

I completelty agree with giving her a list of local childminders,looks like you're being very helpful.they are not your responsibility.

biscuitmad · 12/09/2011 22:22

Okay my advice is when she starts again, which she will. Stare at her look really pissed off and just say Stop harrasing me its really starting to piss me off. If you keep going on and on I wont do any pick ups and walk off.

She sounds like a right nightmare. Next she will be asking you to do her cleaning and cooking.

PattySimcox · 12/09/2011 22:23

Surely if this situation is causing her so much stress and they have the funds set aside to pay for the other DCs private schooling, then you could suggest to her that she uses this money to pay for additional help - either a childminder to do the school run for her or someone to mind the younger ones at home?

I would be tempted to give her the ultimatum that has been suggested that if she keeps raising it then you will stop helping altogether - in fact IIWY I would stop anyway

LoveBeingAMummyAgain · 12/09/2011 22:36

She is not going to stop till you are forced to be blunt. She will then take offence and try and turn it round on you. There is no way to get out of this nicely.

wildhairrunning · 13/09/2011 00:24

Copy and paste icelolly's suggestions into a text

Perfect!

PreviouslyonLost · 13/09/2011 00:25

Gah, sorry Greythorne...I've been busy trying to tie down anything lighter than the car - it's a bit like the tornado scene from The Wizard of Oz here with gale force winds and rain.

I have every sympathy for you...you have been kind and accommodating to the 'nth degree and your neighbour thinks that pushing for more is acceptable. IT'S NOT. Well done for having the nascent Balls to say no initially, the drip, drip of 'woe is me' sounds infuriating and as you say it's the pressure of the expectation that is driving you potty.

You've had some great advice already. In the face of this woman's brass neck I would start by withdrawing from the Ballet class arrangement - I'm aghast that you have to take someone else's child on an evening that otherwise you would be happily at home with your own family. I happy to bet that there's no offer of payment for fuel, no playdates etc. Taking your (2 year old!) DC overnight is such a non-offer it's laughable.

I imagine that there are other local parents she could also ask for help? Or have they already gotten wise to her ways and you're the last on the list to realise? Some people have NO shame and you're going to have to take control...easier said than done I know!

DON'T engage with her when she starts to moan at you about how difficult she finds organising her own life other than to 'Hmmm' and agree 'Yes, it is damn difficult'! Learn to laugh at the situation, and imagine the advice you would give to someone who had your problem...then take your own advice!

I wish you bonne chance with extricating this leech from your life...it CAN be done. I'll be watching you closely for growth in the Ball area

(Karmabeliever Hello, lovely to see you again...not ONE visit from Mr and Mrs Ming the Merciless since I posted - success, HURRAH! but Mrs MTM now trying to get us to sign up to her (new) plan to use another local person, cash in hand, for childcare - because of my job, and new rules (PVG guidelines) I cannot do this. Not that Mrs MTM gives a flying feck, if she's sorted that's ALL she cares about.)

Iamseeingstars · 13/09/2011 00:41

It was her choice to have four kids. Whilst it is nice to be helpful, it can get stressful when you have your own lives to sort out. What if your own child is ill, and you dont go to school? You will still have to sort her child out.

Being mean but selfish. I would help out once in a while but not every day

suburbophobe · 13/09/2011 01:07

Why do you feel responsible for her? What is in it for you? Why are you letting her dictate your life for you by taking care of HER kids, that SHE chose to have.

You need to answer these questions for yourself. Why do you let people walk all over you and you twist yourself over backwards trying to accommodate them.

You sound like you are a people pleaser. Please stop it, it will run you ragged and at the end of the day you won't know who you are anymore. You need to learn to set boundaries. If you set yourself up to be a doormat, people will walk all over you.....

You need to get in touch with your inner bitch!!!

iscream · 13/09/2011 03:27

I will be collecting her Dd from her house (she can't bring her here because of the other smaller DC) and taking her to school every day AND collecting her every day AND taking her and collecting her from ballet.

Does she realize people do this for money? Tell her to place an ad and hire someone.
This is good advise PS: Ask me one more time and you can forget about the evenings as well...
YANBU. I would be on the verge of not picking up the child after school. She is being a pain. They are her children, she had them, she put them in different schools.

I, like many other parents/child care providers used to take that many back and forth, to school and after school, then take them to the park to play for an hour.

My cousin couldn't do it while pregnant, so she paid a local teenager to do the after school pick-up. Something for her to consider.

iscream · 13/09/2011 03:28

PS. And we walked, I do not drive.

Iamseeingstars · 13/09/2011 06:40

I would gradually be not available to collect her child in the evening - have somewhere you need to go, visit family, visit someone, anyone, but not be available to collect her child. I hate being abused and taken for granted and it is her responsibility to sort her family out, not yours.

Original poster

Greythorne · 13/09/2011 07:28

Ok, I think this is unanimous AIBU.
I really was expecting a few people saying, you're not really going out of your way, you have to do that school run anyway, it's no skin off your nose type replies.

So, thanks everyone for letting me know that I am being a total mug I am not unreasonable in saying no to the mornings.

One of the other whinges she uses is that if she does the am run herself, she has to go to school A for 8.25, then go straight to school B for 9.00, she says she has to wait outside for 20 minutes with the school age child plus her two pre-schoolers. This is not even true!!!! There's a before school club which she could put her DD in....oh! But I suppose she would have to pay.

Ok, I have got it, I am going to say a definitive No to mornings.

I am galvanising myself!

Thank you all.

OP posts:

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 13/09/2011 07:34

Yay for saying NO!!

Let us know how you get on because we are all extremely nosey. While I do not know anyone on this board in RL, I can only assume they are as nosey as me.

And at PP who says s/he will be looking for growth in the Ball department!!! (dare I say ROFL!)

HattiFattner · 13/09/2011 08:03

I think you need to establish a few ground rules as she is taking the PISS!

Firstly, stop the ballet run. Your reason - you want to spend the afternoon with your own child of course, not with hers.

Secondly, if you are still happy to do the occasional afternoon runs, you need to establish the rules/precedent. Let her know that if your child is going on a playdate, is sick, or if you have errands to do, you will let her know the day before - or that morning - and she will need to arrange for her child to be collected. Otherwise, I have visions of you dragging your ill child down the school gates and then off to ballet, even though realistically you would want to be keeping DC at home in the warm.

Maybe start as you mean to continue - "I have erands to run on Thursday after school so I wont be collecting your child." - dont give an "in", dont say what you are doing, how long you will be, or any additional information. Just state the facts and then don't collect. Mum will have to wait. Shock horror!

In fact, I would go out of my way to find activities to do in the afternoons for a while...maybe 3 or 4 a week, so that mum HAS to take responsibility. SHe will soon dig into her pocket for some childcare when your freebie service is disrupted..

Do NOT be guilted into picking her DC up every day because mum finds it inconvenient. (For the last 2 years, Ive have 3 kids at 3 different schools...I still have two different schools, and have arranged a nice reciprocal arrangement with another family where I take and pick up their child and they take and pick up one of mine. It works because we both do the same amount of driving.)

CoffeeIsMyFriend · 13/09/2011 08:17

just say NO!

this Mum is being so pushy, you have to be very very clear when you say NO.

DartsRus · 13/09/2011 08:52

As I will soon be unemployed (serving out notice of redundancy) some parents at DS's school have made the connection to the idea that I will be free in the daytime, so I'm following this thread with interest.

Luckily I already have decent balls ( ) but I like some of the phrases being offered and may use those if approached. Actually there have been one or two comments made already, from people I suspected might be the type to look for freebies.

wildhairrunning · 13/09/2011 08:52

pol - glad to see u are using your dot, dot, dots correctly!

Grey - I think your lady and pol's lady are related!

I think u should say NO to everything to this cheeky cow!

LemonDifficult · 13/09/2011 08:57

Greythorne, let us know how it goes.

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