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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...not to drop-off and collect a neighbour's child from school everyday?

131 replies

Greythorne · 12/09/2011 16:07

I have no idea if I am being unreasonable.

My neighbour (same street, a few doors along) has four children. Two of school age. The oldest is in Yr 1 at the local primary. The second is in Reception at the less local private school, the same school as my Dd.

This is obviously not easy....different drop offs and collections in different locations. One school is 8.25 - 4.15. The other is 9 - 4.30. There is just enough time to get from one school to the other in time, but she has two pre-schoolers, too, so it is not easy.

She was complaining about the logistics and asked me if I could help. I offered to collect her DD from thensame school as my Dd every evening and in Thursdays to take her to her ballet class even though my DD has ballet on a different night.

She accepted this offer but said she really needed help in the mornings.

Given how early school starts and that we have to leave at 8.10 and it is always a tearing hurry of book bags and coats and all the rest of it, I just don't want to have the extra pressure of an extra child to drop off in the morning. She is in a different class but needs to be delivered to the classroom door.

I have said no, but my neighbour is just not letting go. Every night when I drop off her DD, she keeps asking, saying she can lend me a car seat, telling me how complex it is for her, how her husband is away for a few days so he can't help,

I feel really pressured and really pissed off that effectively I will be collecting her Dd from her house (she can't bring her here because of the other smaller DC) and taking her to school every day AND collecting her every day AND taking her and collecting her from ballet.

AIBU?

OP posts:

LydiaWickham · 12/09/2011 16:22

She has made the decision, for whatever reason, to send her DCs to different schools, this was obviously going to be an issue at the start.

I'd also stop doing evening pick ups. Tell her it's impacting on you being able to do other after school activities, you can be nice and give her to until half term.

She will then either have to look at putting her DCs in the same school or paying for a child minder to do the school run.

Some people, you give an inch, they take a country mile.

Original poster

Greythorne · 12/09/2011 16:22

Phew. I do feel really pissed off about it, especially as she keeps going on and on and on about it, every evening and once by phone over the weekend. So I am glad to read IANBU.

Her DC go to different schools because the private school is massively oversubscribed. She put her DC1 into the local primary which is in the equivalent of special measures (we are in France). She subsequently decided to try to apply to the private school. The DC going into Reception DID get a place, but unsurprisingly, the child going into Yr 1 did not as very few places become free midway through the school. So she kept her DC1 in local state school ans started DC 2 in Reception in the other school. There are no SN or other circumstances affecting why the DC are at different schools.

I feel like she made the choice to separate them, knowing the logistics would be difficult and now she really wants me to do all the running!

OP posts:

mumnotmachine · 12/09/2011 16:24

For a start I would stop taking her dd to ballet if its not the same day as your dd.
What was she expecting when she signed her dd up- she must have had some idea of how she was going to get her there? (Unless she has already decided you would be available!)

And what will she do if your dd is ill and doesnt go to school for a few days?

And as for hinting about the mornings as well, tell her no.

No
No
No
No
No

Doing someone a favour occassionally is good, but the sense of entitlement is a piss take

PattySimcox · 12/09/2011 16:29

Greythorne you have been far more generous than I would have.

YANBU but your neighbour is being so unreasonable. Their children, their choice of school, their problem to resolve

Harecare · 12/09/2011 16:31

If she was able to drop the DD at my house it wouldn't be a problem to me, but I wouldn't pick up if it would make me late. Does she do favours for you? She ought to. Ask if she'll babysit for you every Friday night and Saturday morning. See how that goes down. It shouldn't be a problem, she's only a few doors down after all.
Favours for favours. If it's all one sided you should be charging for what you're already doing.

LemonDifficult · 12/09/2011 16:32

YASoooooooNBU.

The problem here is, you've let her in with collecting her DD in the evenings so now you'll need to undo that too and just take yourself off her call list.

I can't bear being as blunt as lots of the posters have suggested but Kurri's 'I understand that but unfortunately it's not convenient for me anymore' over and over and over does seem the best route to take.

Be prepared, though. She sounds like one of those people who never takes responsibility for her situation, so this will now be your 'fault'. You'll have to live with that. Or square up to her and say you're no longer taking her child because she's put you under so much pressure.

P.S I've heard it's becoming more and more fashionable in France to have large families - it that true?

aldiwhore · 12/09/2011 16:32

YANBU, but honestly, I'd do it, as I'd be going that way anyway, but I would be asking for a contribution towards petrol, then its a win win as you're getting a good deal to.

LydiaWickham · 12/09/2011 16:33

Now look, she made choices, there is no reason why you should be put out to avoid her having to deal with the negative consquences of her family choices. If it's going to not work for her long term, she needs to find another solution, and it might have to be paid help (let's face it, if private school fees in France are anything like English school fees, the saving she's making from having DC1 in a state school means that she can afford a child minder or an au pair to help out).

Stop the evening pick ups too. You shouldn't be committed to this.

LaLaLaLayla · 12/09/2011 16:33

I am all for female solidarity and mums helping each other out, etc. but you are being a total mug. Seriously. And she has no right to be so pushy. She needs to employ some suitable childcare. Do you have childminders and stuff in France?

BellaneyMimphus · 12/09/2011 16:34

Suggest that she finds a childminder who will do this happily, regularly, and won't be massively pissed off at being asked because it is her JOB.

Original poster

Greythorne · 12/09/2011 16:34

She is not offering to do any school drop-offs or collections or ballet.

But tonight, when I looked pissed off when she raised it again in the context of her husband being away on a business trip and not able to help, she then said that seeing as we are having building work done on our house, my DD2 who still has a sleep in the afternoon could go and sleep at her house to avoid the noise. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Not really sure what good that does!

I just said, well, I'm not sure she'd sleep easily elsewhere and she said, ah, a real homebody is she?

Dd2 is 2!

OP posts:

toutlemonde · 12/09/2011 16:35

If she can afford to send them both to private school but isn't doing so because of over subscription, sounds like she can afford a childminder / au pair to help with the tricky logistics instead of pushing unwilling neighbours...

NoMoreWasabi · 12/09/2011 16:40

Next time she raises I would be clear with her that her bringing this up all the time is really ruining your relationship and making you feel uncomfortable being around her. I'd then ask her outright to stop mentioning it as you're not going to be in a position to help and are not willing to discuss it further.

Iactuallylikeabigmac · 12/09/2011 16:40

Blimey she's a bit cheeky isn't she. Yes it's going to be difficult with 4 Dcs 2 at different schools but it's not your problem.

Don't give in. You are already helping her out.

andthisisme · 12/09/2011 16:42

Did you ever read this thread OP? I fully intend to draw strength from it should I ever be confronted by this kind of situation. Find your balls and tell this person NO!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1282640--to-think-this-couple-are-extracting-the-urine

OriginalPoster · 12/09/2011 16:50

I have refused to help anyone out regularly, on the basis that if you do it for one person, you do it for the next, and so on until you are the town's free child minder. I am asked regularly, but I always say no, but I am prepared to do it in emergencies, if a parent or child is ill. My friends help me out in emergencies, I have 4 dcs, but only call on them for help in dire straights.

She sounds pushy, and you will have to be firm.

slightlyoversharing · 12/09/2011 16:50

Greythorne - I have 2 DD's at 2 different schools. And a dog. And stuff to do. It's a wile hassle for me getting out in the morning and getting them to the different schools and picking them up from two different schools in the evenings and getting them to different activities almost every night of the week is a pita as well.

can I send DD1 round to yours after school? I know I'm not in France but shure it would be no hassle for you since you already have another extra child.

she's taking the piss. Her problem. Mornings are hell for everyone - why should you make it easy for her. And she's the one who had 4 kids.

PreviouslyonLost · 12/09/2011 16:57

ExitPursuedByaBear & andthisisme are telling you the TRUTH, take it from ME, I am PoL...my new Balls are beautiful, and working like a dream

Greythorne insidious pressure and guilt tripping is NOT nice, you are already helping out - to do more would be unreasonable for you and your family. I hope that you receive the help and support I did - made all the difference in the World. Still so grateful.

Making dinner, but I'll be back to support you later.

Proudnscary · 12/09/2011 16:58

God how awful. You've said no, keep saying no.

Are you prepared to lose her as a friend/acquaintence? Because you might have to get to the point of saying 'I've said no, I mean no - I'm very sorry and I appreciate your difficulties, but this is your problem not mine and I have a very busy schedule myself'.

halcyondays · 12/09/2011 16:59

Yanbu, she should have thought about the logistics before sending her children to two different school. Asking somebody to help out on the odd occasion is one thing, but she is being very cheeky. I don't know how people have the nerve.

eicosapentaenoic · 12/09/2011 17:04

Remind me what's in this for you OP? Also, when I had similar, I said 'I'd be happy to look after your DC anytime, I'm registering as a childminder'. Never saw her for dust after that.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 12/09/2011 17:08

She's made the choice to seperate her children and should have considered this.

She should also have considered into her sums the cost of paying a childminder or whoever to pick up her kids if she couldn't/didn't want to.

I honestly don't know why you would have said yes to this, especially the ballet thing. This is taking time out of YOUR life, from YOUR kids. It's causing YOU stress, time, energy.

I think you should back out completely as she's never going to give up. This probably won't end well.

(Hope she's been paying towards your petrol)

fedupofnamechanging · 12/09/2011 17:10

Nice to see you POL. Glad to hear your balls are still beautiful . Have you seen much of your neighbours recently?

OP - it's time to scale back on the afternoon help. Start by telling her that you will no longer be able to take her dd to ballet as you own child has it on a different day and it's getting a bit much for you. The more she pushes you to take on more, the more you should be pulling back.

There really are some people who think the world owes them everything (including free child care) and the more you give, the more they will expect you to give.

Call a halt to it now, before you find yourself being treated even more like the (unpaid) nanny!

carriedababi · 12/09/2011 17:10

i'd tell her to piss off, and i wouldn't do ANY pick ups for her.

the cheeky cow,

maras2 · 12/09/2011 17:12

Cheeky wagon. Tell her to do one.

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