Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...not to drop-off and collect a neighbour's child from school everyday?

131 replies

Greythorne · 12/09/2011 16:07

I have no idea if I am being unreasonable.

My neighbour (same street, a few doors along) has four children. Two of school age. The oldest is in Yr 1 at the local primary. The second is in Reception at the less local private school, the same school as my Dd.

This is obviously not easy....different drop offs and collections in different locations. One school is 8.25 - 4.15. The other is 9 - 4.30. There is just enough time to get from one school to the other in time, but she has two pre-schoolers, too, so it is not easy.

She was complaining about the logistics and asked me if I could help. I offered to collect her DD from thensame school as my Dd every evening and in Thursdays to take her to her ballet class even though my DD has ballet on a different night.

She accepted this offer but said she really needed help in the mornings.

Given how early school starts and that we have to leave at 8.10 and it is always a tearing hurry of book bags and coats and all the rest of it, I just don't want to have the extra pressure of an extra child to drop off in the morning. She is in a different class but needs to be delivered to the classroom door.

I have said no, but my neighbour is just not letting go. Every night when I drop off her DD, she keeps asking, saying she can lend me a car seat, telling me how complex it is for her, how her husband is away for a few days so he can't help,

I feel really pressured and really pissed off that effectively I will be collecting her Dd from her house (she can't bring her here because of the other smaller DC) and taking her to school every day AND collecting her every day AND taking her and collecting her from ballet.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LemonDifficult · 12/09/2011 18:15

OP, you haven't answered any questions about whether you want to do things after picking up your DD but have to go home with the neighbour's child instead. How long have you been doing the afternoon collection now?

I'd say you need to take yourself out of this woman's plans completely. And if you are feeling brave you can tell her she pushed you too far.

mumnotmachine · 12/09/2011 18:16

And how does she manage with the other children? Surely she needs to get them up anyway? The school start times are only half an hour apart, so the kids would need to be up anyway, whether it be 6.30 or 7?

Gluttondressedaslamb · 12/09/2011 18:23

Does she think she is the only person to have to get up at 6.30 to get their children dropped off at school/nursery on time? Wed all like to get up later, but morning stress is part of the parenthood deal. If you cant cope, dont have so many children. And most of all, send them all to the same school FFS. She should already be on her knees thanking you for doing the afternoon runs, not to mention ballet - IMO she shouldnt enrol her children in any post-school activities if she is unwilling to take them and fetch them herself.
And as for continuing to pester you about mornings after youve said no, what a bloody cheek! People like her make my blood boil. Shell be giving you shopping lists next

ragged · 12/09/2011 18:27

Oh ffs, I have 4 children close together, and I would not be asking this of you (okay, maybe once, but not daily).

Are you English & she is French? I wonder if there is a cultural difference here, she expects you to be more emphatic about saying NO and meaning it, or else she thinks there's still room to keep asking.

English people have NO idea how ambiguous and tentative they can sound when they think they have been quite clear.

Abra1d · 12/09/2011 18:29

You know, I think I agree about the point re. people not having more children than they can manage logistically. It's not your problem, really, if she has more on her plate than she can manage. You are being more than generous.

verylittlecarrot · 12/09/2011 18:31

Greythorne, it is awful that she has placed you in such a difficult situation. I can't see that you will ever extract yourself partially from someone who is such a selfish user. My advice is to extract yourself entirely but with grace.

Tell her you are irrevocably unhappy with the arrangements. That you are no longer willing to do ANY drop-offs or pickups and you would prefer to return to a cordial friendship as you feel the constant favours are not working for you AT ALL. There is nothing you want from her other than a neighbourly friendship. You hope she will revert to whatever her original plan was for transportation. You know, the one that was not dependent on favours.

Of course you will never hear from her again, and you will have lost nothing other than an enormous inconvenience.

Steel yourself. You can do it.

Claw3 · 12/09/2011 18:32

I had a similar situation when my older son was younger. A school friend of ds's when they were about 5, his mum used to drop him off in the school playground in the 'blue box' which was supervised by a teacher, early so she could get to work.

When he saw us in the playground he always used to run out of the 'blue box' and come and stand with us and get into trouble. I felt sorry for him, so suggested to his mum, that rather than dropping in the blue box, i could get there a bit earlier and let him come and stand with us.

This then progressed to her dropping him at my house at 8.30 in the morning and me taking him to school.

It then progressed to her dropping him at my house at 8 in the morning, her ds was dressed and had breakfast, my ds's werent and i would end shouting at them to stop playing and get ready. She would go to the cafe and have breakfast before going to work!

She then tried to progress this me picking up from school every day. We ended up having a massive arguement, as she couldnt take no for an answer. Give some people and inch and they want a mile. YANBU stick to your guns.

FabbyChic · 12/09/2011 18:34

Are you even getting paid ffs? Thats horrendous stop it and don't be taken for a mug.

CustardCake · 12/09/2011 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 12/09/2011 18:49

Don't be ambigious just say no its not convenient.

lettinggo · 12/09/2011 18:51

That sounds perfect, custard cake. OP, you need to practise those lines.

Teachermumof3 · 12/09/2011 18:54

My God-that's not the sort of text I would be sending. I'd do the 'I'm sorry-this arrangement isn't really working for me any more, so I won't be able to collect your child any more in the evenings-am v sorry if this inconveniences you, but it's proving very difficult for me when DC and I have plans after school.'

She's massively taking the piss and you are letting her. I wouldn't do this every single evening for a friend, let alone someone you don't even socialise with!

How long are you going to be doing this for-until Xmas, end of term, Easter, forever?? If you're pissed off now-you will want to stab her before too long! Only you can stop this. Yes, she's being totally unreasonable, but she'll continue doing it if you let her.

Do it!

YellowDinosaur · 12/09/2011 18:57

YANBU.

DOn't send a text. next time she asks I would say. 'look. Do you not appreciate I am already doing you a massive favour by helping out in the evening? I ahve said on countless occasions that I cannot help in the morning too but you won't let it drop which I find incredibly rude. If you ask me again then I'm afraid I will not help anymore int he evening either.'

Teachermumof3 · 12/09/2011 18:57

Does she help you out at all in any way? What are you getting out of this relationship?

bringbacksideburns · 12/09/2011 19:03

No - don't text. When she mentions mornings and starts moaning again you are going to have to be assertive and say Sorry, you can't help, willing to help her with pick ups later etc but you are very busy too. And try to be firm, smile and leave quickly!

And try to get out of the dance class - do you really take her child to this on a day when your children don't go?

Gluttondressedaslamb · 12/09/2011 19:10

Would this woman be as helpful to you as you are being with her? I doubt it somehow! This arrangement is all very one-sided and can only end in tears IMO

SansaLannister · 12/09/2011 19:19

Don't apologise. You have nothing to apologise for. No 'sorry, this isn't working for me' or 'sorry, you're inconvenienced.' Tough shit for her. It's not your problem.

And no 'trying to get out of the dance class'. It's not your problem, there's nothing to get out of.

You don't need this person, but until you grow a pair and tell her, to her face, that the arrangement is off, forever, effective now. as you are being taken advantage of, that's what she will do. You do not work for her, you have no contract, she's nothing to you because she treats you like shite.

CheerfulYank · 12/09/2011 19:35

I would just say "That's not going to work" over and over again.

LemonDifficult · 12/09/2011 19:37

Ragged - I also wondered about that 'British tact' thing. OP, do you think you have made your 'no' a universal one?!

eicosapentaenoic · 12/09/2011 19:40

Ce ne vas pas pour moi Hmm

CardyMow · 12/09/2011 19:53

I have 4 dc, ok there is a 7yr gap between the first 3 and the 4th, but I get up at half past 6 to get everyone ready. And I have two drop-offs, I have to kick my 13yo DD out of the door at 8am to get to Secondary, then catch a bus to get my two older ds's to school for 8.45am (get the 8.10am bus), then I have to catch another bus to get to DS3's nursery. THEN I catch another bus. It's a PITA, but I'm an LP, I can't drive, and I have to get my own dc where they need to be.

Your neighbour is BVVVVVU, and a user IMO. OK in an emergency, it would be kind of you to help, but she's taking the piss. No is a complete sentence. Use it when talking to your neighbour!

littlemissrandom · 12/09/2011 19:59

I think the mother is being unreasonable! It's her child and if you offer to help her out by collecting her child from school then that's very kind and considerate of you. but to expect you to take her child to ballet and take her to school is just taking the pi$$. yes it's hard, i spend 2 & a half hours a day doing school & nursery runs. got to be done, its her child so it's her responsability. if you offer to help her out by collecting her child and you don't mind doing this then fair enough but to expect anything else is just a total cheek.

SansaLannister · 12/09/2011 20:01

What CheerfulYank said. 'That doesn't work for me.' Over and over again.

wildhairrunning · 12/09/2011 20:30

I love sansa's approach and she has said everything I would. Get some balls like POL did and get that ungrateful cow out of your way!

Pol - any updates? I'm glad your balls are still big, they are nearly as big as mine! Grin

jamaisjedors · 12/09/2011 20:32

God she is really taking the piss (whether she is French or English).

Childcare is ridiculously cheap in France and heavily subsidised, plus with four kids she will be getting hefty child benefit which would more than cover someone coming in to sit in the house with her 2 youngest in the morning for example.