...not to drop-off and collect a neighbour's child from school everyday?

[Greythorne]

I have no idea if I am being unreasonable.

My neighbour (same street, a few doors along) has four children. Two of school age. The oldest is in Yr 1 at the local primary. The second is in Reception at the less local private school, the same school as my Dd.

This is obviously not easy....different drop offs and collections in different locations. One school is 8.25 - 4.15. The other is 9 - 4.30. There is just enough time to get from one school to the other in time, but she has two pre-schoolers, too, so it is not easy.

She was complaining about the logistics and asked me if I could help. I offered to collect her DD from thensame school as my Dd every evening and in Thursdays to take her to her ballet class even though my DD has ballet on a different night.

She accepted this offer but said she really needed help in the mornings.

Given how early school starts and that we have to leave at 8.10 and it is always a tearing hurry of book bags and coats and all the rest of it, I just don't want to have the extra pressure of an extra child to drop off in the morning. She is in a different class but needs to be delivered to the classroom door.

I have said no, but my neighbour is just not letting go. Every night when I drop off her DD, she keeps asking, saying she can lend me a car seat, telling me how complex it is for her, how her husband is away for a few days so he can't help,

I feel really pressured and really pissed off that effectively I will be collecting her Dd from her house (she can't bring her here because of the other smaller DC) and taking her to school every day AND collecting her every day AND taking her and collecting her from ballet.

AIBU?

Say no.

People should think about thse things (school runs, business trips, etc) before they embark upon having four children and sending them randomly to different schools.

It sounds as though you're doing a fair amount for her already.

YANBU to say no but if I was going anyway I would take her. I don't think it's that big an imposition. Obviously if the child is not ready or late then you are quite within your rights to leave her behind.

I would not do the ballet drop though unless it is on your route and not a huge inconvenience.

So, although NU I think it's a bit mean as she's obviously desperate. I am in the minority though!

I was going to say exactly what PattySimcox said. You have been more than generous already. I would not do as much as you are doing. It is appalling that she has the nerve to ask for more, and to keep asking.

Non est une phrase complete (or something like that, my French is sooo rusty)

I have four dcs in three different schools and would never dream of imposing on anyone else to get them to and from. My dcs, my responsibility.

As has been pointed out further up the thread, her choice, she has to deal with it.

I used to take a neighbour's child to school regularly as it was on our way and it didn't seem any trouble for us, whereas she had two preschoolers to get out of the house and was struggling. On the other hand I wouldn't do pickups as that's when I wanted the freedom to go shopping on the way home, take the kids to activities, etc.

Actually, even though I offered to do the drop-offs (she didn't ask), I did end up resenting it a bit as the child was very whiney and there was always something for her to moan about - needing to stop for a drink on a 15 min walk (everyone wait while she finds her water bottle), ears really cold (everyone wait while she finds a scarf in her bag), bag uncomfortable (everyone wait while she faffs). She was also a very slow walker, so with that plus the faffing it did take us longer, plus the mum would take us for granted and not bother to tell us if she was taking her daughter herself for some reason, so I'd be hanging round ringing the doorbell and wasting my time when they'd already gone.

Would have been OK if I'd like the child I think!

Actually I struggle to see how she can be having such a hard time in the mornings. The start times are 35 minutes apart. How far away are the schools from each other? You could drive 30km in that time. Is it the fact that she has to unload the other kids from the car she doesn't like? Because even at that it should only add 5 mins.
I mean if she leaves in enough time to get to the first school for 8.20. Get kids out, drop DC, and all back in car for 8.35. Still 25 mins to get to second school.
Sounds like she just can't be arsed with the faff tbh and wants to palm it off on you. Tough shit for her I say. School drop offs are a pain in the arse, but we all have to live with them.

She's taking the piss massively.

To be honest-as long as you are doing the pick-ups in the evening, she's going to be having a go at you about the mornings. I think you need to say that the evenings aren't convenient any more as you need to do xyz now after schools, so she'll have to find someone else. If she doesn't like it, what's the worst that can happen? She'll tell everyone that you didn't like being her unpaid staff!?

For the love of God, OP. You must put your foot down. I helped my neighbour (similarly harried) with her child once and the following week she took it upon herself to leave her child on my doorstep. Without asking or telling me because (as I later found out) she was having a "rough morning". Inch = mile.

Hope you took the child straight back home Popbiscuitand told the mother you expect to be asked!

YANBU - not at all.
She has some nerve - not that it will bother her. Im annoyed for you.
Taking her dd to a ballet class which your dd does not go to?
She wants you to collect her dd in the morning from her house in order for you to ferry her to school?
On top of bringing her back?
With nothing in return?
What would happen if your own dc wanted to do after school activities? Would you be expected to decline due to your committment to your neighbour and her dd?
You are already being taken for granted.
I have 3dc attending 2 different schools and a husband who works away and yet still a neighbour thinks its reasonable to ask me to take her kids to school so she can nip to work and thus dispense with the hell that is the morning school run.
If its convenient for you, you could take the dc to school provided she is brought to you, but I would then draw the line at all else.
Shake your head and say that it wont be possible.

I can't believe the nerve of your neighbour. I had 4 children at 4 different schools but DH and I sorted them out ourselves. It's one thing asking for help in an emergency but her sense of entitlement is incredible.

I find it difficult to say no, but really in your position you need to say to her that after half term (or whenever) you won't be able to pick up her DD/ take her to ballet because it's no longer convenient. It doesn't sound like she's doing anything to reciprocate either.

TBH there is enough time difference between the 2 schools that she could get to both. It isn't your problem that she's got 2 extra children. She needs to do what the rest of us have always done- load toddlers still in PJs into the car or pushchair and sort them out when she gets back from the school run.

Ok.
I am soooo glad you all feel the same. I was worried I was BU and that people would say, come on, help out a neighbour, solidarity between mums type of thing.

I just feel like she is not listening to me. I have offered to do the evenings and ballet, but I really, really do not want to do the mornings.

And the way she keeps raising it, every time I drop off her DD in the evening, saying things like:

-- last night, i nearly cried when I thought about this morning's drop off

-- my dh is often away, sometimes for a fortnight in the US so it's just a nightmare when I have to get all four out of the door for the 8.25 drop off

-- i had to wake up all four DC this am at 6.30 to get them all ready, it is really not easy

Originally, I did not mind doing the pick ups and even ballet, but now I feel cross and resentful not just about the mornings but about the evenings and especially about how she is not listening to me.

I am thinking of sending a text (slightly passive aggressive, I know, but I cannot face her again) as follows:

Good evening
I cannot do the mornings. I am sorry.
I feel uncomfortable because you have asked me several times now and I have said no several times.
I am happy to continue with the evening arrangements.
Greythorne.

Stupid thing is, I am not close to her but happy to help as and when I can. But this push, push, push from her makes me want to call it all off and it would really be no loss as I only see her to speak in the street, never had a friendship beyond that.

PS: Ask me one more time and you can forget about the evenings as well...

What everyone else has said. Your neighbour chose to have four children in quick succession and to put her two elder children in different schools - this is her problem, not yours!

I can understand why you accepted to do afternoon pick-up (very kind of you, of course, to do so) but I quite understand that you don't want to add another child/pick-up into your morning rush.

Frankly, I would tell her to her face that it is her life that she chose and that she therefore needs to manage its complexity!

I think she has odd, high standards.

For example, in her position, I would wake the two pre-schoolers right at the last minute, 8.05, say, for an 8.15 departure), keep them in pjs with just a fleece (or whatever) over the pjs, let them have a piece of banana or bread on the way to school to simplify things that way.

But she said she had to wake all the kids at 6.30 to get them all ready. Which means, all up at 6.30, all dressed, all breakfasted at the table before school.

Probably, like a lot of people in these parts, she doesn't have enough income to meet her domestic standards . She ought to have a FT nounou if she has four children and a frequently absent DH...

I don't speak French but a Nounou has conjured some rather 'helpful with benefits' images in my mind? Am I even close???!!

A nounou is a nanny/housekeeper (actually a sort of slave).

YADNBU and stop dropping this kid home too or you will end up having a row with this woman before you get to half term. Surely you would rather collect your daughter by herself and let her have time alone with you? Don't you wnat to go placews other than straight home sometimes? What if your dd has a playdate some day after school and you're not collecting her? You are tying yourself into an arrangement that will be hard to get out of if you don't do something about it now. This is NOT your problem. And as for bringing her to her ballet, what are you thinking??? You sound like you're a really nice person who is trying to help out a neighbour in need but this is a situation that will go on for at least this year and maybe longer. Tell her it doesn't suit to collect her from school any more, you have things to do after school and it's more of a commitment than you realised.

I got myself into a situation like this with a neighbour and ended up bringing her child to school (had casually mentioned "if you're ever stuck...Cue doorbell at 8.20 every morning!!!). I was very resentful in the end and had to say very directly to my neighbour that I didn't want to bring her daughter any more. I felt like my neighbour was taking advantage but I didn't know how to get myself out of what had turned into an arrangement. One evening I told the child I couldn't bring her in the morning cos was bringing ds to school first (and he is painfully shy and didn't want her in the car, a situation that had happened a few times before then). The following morning, doorbell went and I said "I can't bring you today, remember?" to which she replied, "my mum just told me to chance it anyway just in case." Grrrr! Her mother has a car too, by the way, she's just not a morning person, and also her school is a 15 minute walk from where we live.

Get out of this now before it becomes assumed that you will do this indefinitely. Some people will just suck you dry of anything you are prepared to give. The fact that this woman has repeatedly come back to you looking for help in the mornings means she's one of life's vampires. RUN!

I'd back out of all of it.

You've made a really generous offer and she isn't the slightest bit grateful... just pissed off that you won't do EXACTLY what she wants, even if it completely inconveniences you.

You can see where this one is going, surely? I'd run fifty miles from getting into a favour situation with someone like this, because the red flags are a-waving: she will take as much advantage as she possibly can. She is a total user, it's as clear as a bell. You've said that she's not a friend - keep it that way!

Even if you don't back down on the mornings, have no doubt that she will endlessly pester you about it, once you are in an arrangement and see her regularly. There will be endless emergencies, doctors' appointments: your kindness will be taken advantage of RUTHLESSLY. You can see a mile off that that's the person she is.

For goodness' sake, see her behaviour here as a WARNING not to get any closer to her and her domestic arrangements. Step away!

You should change your name to 'Mug' because until you tell her, directly, 'I am NOT collecting your children in the morning. Ever. Stop asking,' she will continue to take the piss because you are already letting her.

You sound like a people pleaser OP, but you're not pleasing yourself

YANBU

YANBU.

Throughout you have referred to this pisstaker person as a neighbour rather than a friend so tbh I dont get why you dont either tell her straight it wont be happening no matter how many times she wrings her hands.

Also I agree I would be stopping helping someone who clearly doesnt appreciate the efforts you are already making , enjoy the time with your child it doesnt last long

You are generous with your time OP
I wouldnt do either morning or afternoon on a regular basis- and tbh if I was going to help her out in any way I would take the child in the mornings and drop the evenings.
On the basis that she brought said child to you in morning while you were putting yours in the car.

I would drop the ballet help (do you have to stay with her as well?)
And the after school pickups- what if you want to do something with your dd straight after school?