Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

STBX wanting more contact with Daughter

362 replies

btsmummy · 12/09/2011 10:52

Hi,

Thought I'd post here as well s the Divorce section, hopefully it's OK.

I have been separated from my H for just over 4 years and have just started divorce proceedings.

He moved out when we split and paid the mortgage and all the bills, along with the running costs for my car as I was at home with our then 18 month old daughter.

She is now nearly 6 and he has seen her on a weekday and on a Saturday every week since, they have been on holiday together, so there have been times when she has spent a week with him. They have a great relationship and to be fair he is a very good dad and she loves her time with him.

We have always got on very well, and many times we did family things at the weekend when he came to see our daughter (i am still in the FMH), we also continued to sleep together up until the beginning of last year when it became obvious we weren't going to reconcile, thing have been a bit frosty since but got slowly better and we started having family days out again (tho not sleeping together), that was up until this May.

He is now asking for more contact with our daughter and is asking for overnight stays, one during the week so he can pick her up from school and drop her off the next morning, and overnights at the weekends, he has said he would like 3 overnight stays a week so he can spend more time with her, possibly 4 the next, amount to equal care. I have said he can't have this but I have offered him 1 overnight every other weekend, with the usual midweek after school and weekend daytime in between. I also told him I won't discuss it any further and that he needs to speak to my solicitor.

Do you think he has any realistic chance of this, as I've told him we'll have to go to court as I won't agree it?

Thanks

B

OP posts:
4madboys · 12/09/2011 19:31

i think actually that the courts may say that she CAN STAY in the family home until the child finishes her education? or at least i have heard that mentioned elsewhere.

she is obviously being unreasonable op, and you would get the overnights etc if you applied for them i would think.

CardyMow · 12/09/2011 19:31

I agree with you Fabby. That must be a first!

CardyMow · 12/09/2011 19:32
glitterkitten · 12/09/2011 19:33

fabby I hate to come across as "post police" but it's not that simple! I'm a family law solicitor. OP should take proper legal advice on such issues, even if it's a half hour free consultation.

For eg a "Mesher" type order whereby x gets to live in house till child is 18 whereupon it be sold and proceeds divided ( to explain it in it's simplest form) might be deemed appropriate.

cornflowers · 12/09/2011 19:45

The problem with posting as someone else (especially as the opposing party in a disagreement) is that it is invariably skewed. Op (in his arrogance) imagines that he is presenting a perfectly objective and fair account of his wife's position. He is not. He is presenting his own, biased version of what he believes her position to be. As someone else has said, the wife would undoubtedly have a very different story to tell.

glitterkitten · 12/09/2011 19:46

corn no doubt the wife's version will e similarly biased though too....

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/09/2011 19:48

"... when OP was pretending to be a woman people said that the man was in the right. When he revealed that he was a man, more people started to say that the woman was in the right.

I don't see how this reveals a bias against men on AIBU. What it does reveal is what I have long suspected: a bias against OPs, regardless of what gender they are."

I think this is the way it has to be, InTheNightKitchen. Because every OP is giving us their side of the story, and the presumption has to be that they will paint themselves in the best light (as I would do myself, it's not right or wrong, merely human). So it's only natural for you to read an OP and imagine what the other side of the story would be - so yes, there is a 'bias' against OPs, as we generally attempt to suss out that middle ground that might be closest to the truth.

solidgoldbrass · 12/09/2011 19:53

Cornflowers: Exactly - if the OP had posted as himself he might have got sympathy and advice, or he might not; he would certainly have been asked a few relevant questions, but by posting as his XW and saying 'Hi, my XH is wonderful but I want things all my own way because I'm a complete cunt' (which is basically what the 'female' OP posts said) he skewed the story completely.

ConstanceNoring · 12/09/2011 19:58

Quite true, I have had a thread before which went (Obv not verbatim) OP: 'well it was night.....'.

Response: 'it sounds to me that it was day, not night, OP YABU'

ConstanceNoring · 12/09/2011 20:03

Sorry that was more for WhereYou, also agree with CornFlower... Human nature. [shrug]

Truckrelented · 12/09/2011 20:07

I would have thought most ex's of posters would give a different view to the poster.

I can't imagine many ex's saying:

'what a completely unbiased account of our relationship, that's so true I'm all those things, my partner was perfect in every way, it was all me'

cornflowers · 12/09/2011 20:18

Yes, but my point is that OP began by pretending to actually be the ex, which suggests he actually believes himself capable of presenting her position in a completely fair and unjaundiced way. He is not.

glitterkitten · 12/09/2011 20:24

I agree corn but the same applies in any post re such matters. The poster believes their version of their X is correct. But it will always be biased. Best to take with a pinch of salt !

InTheNightKitchen · 12/09/2011 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glitterkitten · 12/09/2011 20:35

True true.

MrGin · 12/09/2011 21:19

Op. Firstly you can change your name on mumsnet. I really suggest for the sake of clarity you change 'mummy' for 'daddy'

Secondly I'd say my experience of MN is that the majority on here are sane intelligent women, but there is at times, in my mind a bias however small towards the female position. I'm sure you can sort the wheat from the chaff.

My situation was not disimillar to yours minus being married and any financial ties.

My ex actually told me that my dd going to a class in nursery rhymes was more important that being with daddy. When I suggested ( in my xp eyes 'demanded' ) alternate weekends and a visit in the week, my xp's mother thought she should go to the newspapers to reveal this injustice ! It goes on but I think you get the picture.

I too give a generous contribution in excess by far of what the CSA would suggest.

I also have / had to listen to how unsetteling it would be to my dd to stay with me or indeed have increaced contact.

I think the answer to your question is clear. In terms of access you have the courts on your side ( as I knew I did ).

In my situation I tried to reason with my XP but it came to nothing, just arguments that upset me profoundly. I went back to a solicitor instructed him to move towards 'the stick' ( his original advice was it was a clear cut case, and it was up to me to decide between stick and carrot ).

I contacted mediation solicitors and informed my XP that we should move in that direction.

Within a week she changed her tack. I knew for a fact she'd seen at least 4 solicitors, one of them clearly rubbing his hands at the prospect of fleecing her. The rest I assume informed her that I was being perfectly reasonable.

If your STBX is like mine I'd say 'control freak' . Does that ring true ?

There are two important issues.

One. You want to be an important part in your dd's life. I applaud you, I am slapping you on the back and telling you this is a good thing. Do it, you'll get more access. Be on your guard and put the wheels in motion if you have to fight for your dear daughters best interest .

The second thing is you relationship with your STBX. If there was a chance to remain in good terms explore it, even if it requires biting your own tongue off. Which it does I can assure you.

But if it's a choice between dd and XW the choice is obvious .

Best if luck mate, stick around there are some great people here.

Tyr · 12/09/2011 21:35

There may well be a bias from some posters, particularly if a female OP alleges DV but the responses to the OP here (when everyone thought it was the mother) were pretty robust and child focused in my view.
I take everyone's story with a pinch of salt now where Contact/Residence proceedings are involved.

pombear · 12/09/2011 21:50

Now, this is so sad, if it truly is in some extent what you say. And some of the other stuff that's been posted. As others have said, a child is both of yours, not a 'posession'. My DC was only 4 when we finally split:- as I have said on posts over the years, occasionally, as I am usually a lurker, as much as I wanted to pick up DC and run far, far away, if the ex is normal, not mentally ill/abusive/ etc there is no reason why you could 'withhold' as a mother.

My child has, for the last seven years, had equal residence at both homes - we are lucky that we are able to remain within the same town for school drop-offs and pickups (though I would dearly love to move somewhere I could afford to live more - but that's what you do when you want to make it work for your child!). I am sure she will reveal when she is 30 and in therapy that it's awful, but at the moment, she seems settled, happy, and can deal with 50/50 residency absolutely fine. We have every other weekend, and equal nights during the week - sometimes they are shifted if either of us have work commitments. There is no home that is 'the home' and that would have made me sad if it had been, as it would have reduced the importance of her dad's home.

Knee jerk reactions as a mother (and I can attest to this) is that we are the primary carers and we should come first. But actually, it is the child that comes first, and I can see now after all these years that she feels comfortable, relaxed and completely at ease with the two home scenario.

Sorry for long post, but it always makes me sad at the 'your child needs stability and one home only' posts. It's about making your child feel comfortable and at home with the notion that they have two equally loving, warm and welcoming homes with parents who communicate and parent together, even though separate. One home and 'visiting rights' for the nrp makes the nrp parent secondary. Does anyone really want to tell their adult child they did this years later (again, dv/emotional issues/etc don't count).

It's sad that you have resorted to fake posts/recording etc, but I remember the emotional bonkers bit that both parents can go through at that stage, and it is understandable.

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 21:59

MrGin Many thanks, I know exactly what you mean and a lot of what you say rings true.

pombear Again thanks for your input, I'd just like to add that there were no 'fake' posts as such, all what I have written is true and reflects the current and past situation.

I've been called a cunt, prick, arrogant etc, but I don't pay any attention to it, it's funny that since I declared myself the ExH I have been slated for 'not respecting privacy, bullshitting etc.

The funny thing is, a lot of the personal abuse is because they have trouble, or seemingly don't believe my version of what I wrote in the OP, but strangely had no problem believing some of the other stuff I wrote that could be construed as me being unreasonable, arrogant, a cunt etc..

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/09/2011 22:18

OP, I think the reaction once you revealed it was a reverse-AIBU was actually quite the usual for all reverse-AIBU. People do not like to be misled, and feel insulted that the OP of such a thread did so, because it implies that the OP didn't trust them to offer a fair opinion.

pombear · 12/09/2011 22:23

They were 'fake' as it wasn't your perspective - but hey, this is the internet - who knows what anyone is really posting. You've just fessed up to not telling it from your own perspective originally!

Good luck. As I said, it is a bonkers time when you're going through this stage - I only hope that you and your 'pretty much' ex sort things out to the best result for your daughter. Remember, when you're feeling angry, you are doing this to be the best dad to your daughter....get through the angry bit to the future 'best dad' bit, and I only hope that you both work it out to get there. It is not easy, and it goes through ups and downs even years afterwards, but the fact that you want to be there for her, hopefully not for control issues, but just that you want to be there for her as a dad, I hope you get there.

Maybe when things get gruesome sometimes, remember that you both once upon a time cared for each other, and the daughter is the result of that - the child you want to be happy. (I know that sounds naff, but belive me, I have been there so talking from experience!)

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 22:27

Thanks Where, I see your point, although in a few of them I'm not sure that'd be the case.

On the trust issue, again I see where you're coming from but can I ask, let's assume I'd started the original post by saying;

"If I were a woman and I posted the following"

And ended it by saying "Honest feedback please"

Do you think the responses would have been any different? Surely the crux of it is that the content is not misleading, not who wrote it?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/09/2011 22:34

OP, you'd probably got responses along the line of "But you're not a woman!" including from me. I think you'd have got a better response by playing it straight, writing from your own perspective and setting out the situation as you see it. Even if it's a huge first post, all the details in there (in your case, I think her brother staying there is more relevant than you seem to see it) to avoid being accused of drip-feeding (a hanging offence).

pombear · 12/09/2011 22:39

..and hope advice isn't falling on deaf ears as OP searches for the answer he requires "your ex is awful" - no point in posting on AIBU if you don't want to hear answers.

Tyr · 12/09/2011 22:42

pombear Mon 12-Sep-11 21:50:58

Pombear,

I think that post is the most intelligent, humane and child centred attitude I've heard in a long time from a separated parent.
I'll be shocked if your child does not grow up to be a credit to both of you.